If you're here and you are new to Jack, please go to Wiki 1, where we have lots of info at the top for new frauen / herren.
Page 8 includes further backstory/background information about Jack:
Cast of characters (i.e. people often mentioned on her threads)
Thread in-jokes
Coming soons (things Jack has promised and not delivered on)
Jack's many possessions
Dangerous advice/behaviour
Past jobs
Suspicious selfies
Dramatis Personae of the Monroeverse
Jack and family Big Dave - Jack’s father; a former serviceman with the Royal Artillery and high-ranking member of Essex Fire Service. Landlord, but also a Marxist-Leninist. Dyed-in-the-wool socialist, but also has an MBE. Once supposedly fired a piece of small artillery on a residential street in honour of the Queen’s Jubilee, as is the communist tradition. Also referred to as Chocolate, Big Choccy, etc. because one of his former co-workers alleged to a Tattler that that was what others in the Fire Service called him behind his back ("if he were chocolate he would eat himself")
Big E/Eve - Jack's mother, who was a nurse until her health became too poor; subsequently becoming a foster carer. She is "Norn Irish" (as Jack spells it) and disabled, both of which Jack uses as a shield/weapon. Sometimes comments on social media with the truth behind some of Jack's tall tales. Has demonstrated similarities to Jack, including sharing detailed information about her children's health problems with the world.
Content - Jack acquired a Goldendoodle puppy in June 2022 who she named Laurie but is generally referred to as Content, because she provides content for Jack’s twitter.
Dusty Aunt Helen/Theia Eleni - Jack referred to her aunt being “dusty” as she has been deceased for some time. When Cypriot Jack appears, she’s referred to in Greek parlance. May be the elderly auntie whom Jack claimed kept old copies of More magazine (known for its raunchy sex tips) behind the toilet.
Guest - the Canal's new name for Jack herself! On 18 April 2023, Jack went 'out out' in London to Dame Kelly Holmes' birthday party. In the subsequent photos from Getty and in the DM, she was not name-checked and appeared everywhere as 'guest'. See Wiki 3 for more info in the 2023 highlights.
Little Bro and Little Sis - Jack's two much younger siblings. Typically mentioned only when Jack wants sympathy (sister taking A-levels during the COVID-19 pandemic and was being failed by the government) or to deflect from her own actions (she can't possibly have a white saviour complex because her brother is Black.)
Little Dave - Jack's older brother, originally named David after their father but now goes by his middle name. Is or was an officer in the RAF; he and Jack applied at the same time, but she didn't get in. Jack claimed at one point that they had been estranged for several years after he said she Should Have Kept Her Legs Shut™ and she "decked" (punched) him.
SB - "Small Boy", what Jack calls her son. First referred to as SB in her viral "Hunger Hurts" blog post, when he was a toddler; she wrote about being so poor that she could not afford food for him and had to sell his favourite toy. He is now 13 years of age but still referred to as SB for maximum sympathy points. His father, whom she has acknowledged as very supportive, is an old friend of Jack with whom she had a brief fling.
Partners Allegra McEvedy "Leggy" - former partner of Jack’s, who she moved in with extremely quickly. Old money, legitimate chef who founded the successful food chain Leon. Uttered the famous canal words 'Darling, a bit gauche' in this Diva video from 2015.
Burger La Bill/ Burger Boy/BB - in August 2022, Jack made graphic tweets in the middle of the night about how a new love interest had taken her out for a burger then they spent six hours romping in bed. He left at 3am, as he works shifts - or at least Jack believes he does. He reappeared a week later after a shift to do a “welfare check” on her but was never heard from again.
Harold/Old Harold - Jack’s partner for around six months in 2022. Jack constantly used OH/other half and they/them pronouns, but a real-life friend outed him as a man on Twitter. The canal took to calling him Harold, after the meme Hide the Pain Harold.
LJC - Louisa Jane Compton Head of news at Channel 4. Jack’s former fiancée who lost the Burberry scarf Jack gave her with LJC embroidered on it. Used as emphasis like saying “Lord Jesus Christ!”
"Lynn" - Alleged violent partner that Jack mentioned in her pseudonymous article about being abused while pregnant.
Policewoman - former fiancée of Jack’s, who may be of “I like girls, babe” fame.
Friends/neighbours/associates Adrian - Jack's agent at Kruger Cowne. We speculate that he's behind her recent social media cleanup.
Caroline WhoHasHands - Caroline was employed by Jack as administration for On A Bootstrap Ltd last known to be “on furlough” despite her job being computer based and a photo showing she does in fact have hands. Also known as having a pair of Russell’s. In Jan 22 Jack revealed Caroline had moved on to better things. Her name is not actually Caroline.
UPDATE: Tattle has now been graced by the alleged presence of Caroline CarolineWhoHasHands as of thread #419 in October 2022! Jack stated that Caroline apparently locked her out of Patreon by holding onto the admin login info and not sharing it, after SHE LEFT employment (unclear exactly when - likely 2021 as furlough was claimed until then). Within two days in October 2022 of 'Caroline' appearing on Tattle - Jack's Patreon had been entered and all legacy posts deleted, along with all negative comments in the members' feed. What on earth could be going on?
Estate Agent with Sign - an estate agent once accidentally put a For Sale sign up outside Jack’s house, and chaos ensued.
Eucalyptus-Hating Letting Agent - Jack had a minor breakdown over her letting agent supposedly engaging tree surgeons to cut down a eucalyptus tree in the garden of her bungalow (did she mention she RENTS?). Later suggested that the tree felling had been stopped after she agreed to uphold the stipulations of her tenancy agreement and actually maintain her garden.
Evil Landlady - lives on the same street as/opposite Jack’s house, which apparently once belonged to Evil Landlady's mother. Must have some sort of shifting personality, as Jack simultaneously describes her as lovely, and the devil incarnate.
Geoff - in charge of a community soup kitchen where Jack claims to prepare food - despite being filth incarnate and definitely not capable of passing any hygiene standards. Geoff reportedly loves Jack’s boeuf (not a euphemism).
Iqbal Rafiq - a landlord who lost his rental house because the tenant left without paying rent for months, but deposited many bags of poo. He was mentioned in comments on the Southend Echo website by a person vaguely accusing Jack of being the culprit, however the poster was inconsistent and it probably isn’t true. Iqbal apparently works night shifts at Sainsbury’s to repay the debt, so he’s definitely safe from Jack now as she only shops in Asda.
Linda Riley/Big Lin - Journalist and publisher of Diva magazine. Old friend of Jack who got her a free Burberry scarf and an invitation to Dame Kelly Holmes' birthday party. May be Jack's current or former sugar mama.
Matt Gloss - an alleged friend who works at / owns a local paint shop in Southend. First mentioned in late 2022, ahead of Jack's move to her downsized, one-bed flat. Jack apparently hangs out with him in his shop, on the reg.
Mom - Nigella Lawson. Jack once asked if she could draw Nigella’s garden (again, not a euphemism). Responsible for promoting Jack’s Patreon, making her persona non gratis among the canal. Occasionally referred to as Big Suze after the Peep Show character who is both posh and naive.
Rosemary - Jack's former agent at United. Last heard of in late 2022 when she tweeted to remind Jack that they had a meeting scheduled, we suspect that Jack was dismissed at the meeting which is why she transferred to Kruger Cowne just a week or two later.
Spaniel Friend - a real life friend of Jack’s who manages to disprove many of Jack’s claims on Twitter, but entirely accidentally. A responsible dog owner, and someone Jack probably hates.
Public figures Biggest Dave - David Attenborough. A squig made some strong claims about Biggest Dave and walruses, and the canal ran with it.
Chrismate - Chris Giles, editor of the Financial Times, who Jack and her flying monkeys tried to argue with about inflation. Honourary frau.
David Walliams - Jack accused him of racism when she assumed a character in one of his children’s stories, Miss Tutelage the teacher, was being denigrated due to being a person of colour. She is not a person of colour, although you can see how someone with zero awareness of race issues would assume she was - because of her unusual name and large hair. Jack waged an ongoing twitter campaign accusing DW of being a drug user. Source: the entire thread #40
Eamonn Holmes (Lingreenie Edition) Easter Island Eamonn- Eamonn had the stone face of an Easter Island statue during this live cooking debacle. Jack accused him of stressing her out, forgot to add the chicken and claimed she lost a regular slot because she “slightly undercooked some pasta)
Edwina Currie - once rightly pointed out that Jack’s family has generational wealth in the form of properties inherited from Jack’s landlord grandfather. Jack told her that he’s DEAD.
Jude Law - Jack claims to have once yelled at Jude Law in the Groucho Club to sit down because she couldn’t see the results for Redcar from the Brexit referendum in 2016.
Kelvin Mackenzie - Jack claims to have thrown a pencil case at him on BBC R4’s Any Questions, following the common assault up with “That was for the 96”. As supposedly the world’s biggest Liverpool FC fan, it is unclear why Jack would agree to appearing on any panel with Kelvin in the first place.
Kevin, for whom it was not about the pasta - Tory MP Kevin Edger, who said you can live on a quid for a week by just eating two bags of pasta, causing Jack to write one of her famous blogs and take photos of all the pasta shapes she hoards collects
Lee Anderson MP - claimed (probably quite accurately) that Jack makes money off of poor people, because her entire body of work is targeted at people with little money. Jack apparently wanted to sue him for libel, but the deadline passed and she did not Sue Lee.
Michael Portillo - Jack claims that the former Secretary of Defence once told her that she should have kept her legs shut in regards to her unplanned Pregnancy.
Rishimate - Prime Minister Rishi Sunak, to whom Jack once tweeted an unhinged selfie of her crying, back when he was Chancellor of the Exchequer.
Sir Matt of the Forearms - Matt Tebbutt, with whom Jack presented Daily Kitchen Live during the first lockdown of 2020.
Susie Dent - Lexicographer who appears on the Dictionary Corner segment of Countdown. She posts a "word of the day" on Twitter, some of them suspiciously relevant to whatever is currently going on with Jack; thus we suspect Susie is a secret frau.
That Man - Jamie Oliver.
Social media accounts Andy Lynes (honorary frau) - a respected food writer / blogger who wrote a hilarious review of Jack's Book 7 'Grifty Thrifty Kitchen' (see wiki 3 for the link) and whilst doing so, tried out 3 recipes which have been added to the Slopalong ratings (see the Slopalong wiki)
Ariel Anderssen - adult model who challenged Jack on Twitter over her claims that she doesn't Facetune her photos. Gave us the memorable line "pipe down, socktopus!"
Dresserman - Steve Dresser of Grocery Insight, a retail consultancy, uses the twitter handle @dresserman and calmly, rationally explained why Jack was wrong when she started claiming rice had gone up by 344% in Jan/Feb 22. Said to the tune of “Mr Loverman” suspected by some of having nice forearms (unconfirmed as yet)
Peekymink - one of Jack's alleged socks on Twitter. It was unearthed by @Veronicaaa and disappeared shortly after its discovery and mention on here. Its byline was 'my other account's a Porsche'. Said account was frequently mentioning Ocado deliveries, whilst on Jack's main Twitter account, she was unable to buy butter.
Potato Tom/Roastie Detractor - attacked by Jack and her followers on Twitter for saying that her mother's roast potatoes looked "dire."
Trifle Defender/TD - Nicola Miller - a cookery writer who called Jack out in 2020 over Jack's shaming of perfectly lovely looking trifles. Generally a voice of reason. As early as 2015 she was attempting to advise Jack as to how to handle herself online, advice which fell on very deaf ears!
Misc. Bruderharald - Harold’s brother, who Jack claims to have accidentally “nuzzled” at a family lunch, instead of her partner, Harold.
Eamonn Holmes’ cousin - the canal was once visited by someone claiming to be Eamonn Holmes’ cousin. They probably were.
Joe Le Taxi - nickname given to a poster who posted in March 2021 claiming to have known Jack as their taxi driver when writing for the local Southend paper. Claims Jack is “on the spectrum” and also they “were like a reindeer” to Jack, driving around town late one Xmas eve to silently deliver gifts to the doorsteps of friends. Upon hearing this, we all clapped.
Mark - Mark Lewis is a high-profile lawyer specialising in privacy and libel cases, who works with a number of rich and famous clients. He was Jack's lawyer in her libel suit against Katie Hopkins; she claims he took the case pro bono. Jack likes to complain that people always troll her on Friday night or Saturday, when Mark does not work as he is Jewish and observing the Sabbath. Jack attempted to hire him in her quest to sue Lee Anderson by tweeting "Got a job for you, pal!" at Mark.
Maureen - the canal’s imaginary wife for Harold, to whom he returned once he had seen sense about Jack.
Old Chief - Jack’s former chief in the fire service, who she claims wouldn’t allow women to wear trousers for their passing out parade. As Jack was a control room employee, she would not have had a passing out parade.
Terry the Sparrow - deceased.
In-jokes
The following are regularly used throughout the threads:
#1978Truther - Companies House incorrectly lists Jack's date of birth as 1978. It's a typo, but some of us suspect it may be closer to the truth as Jack sometimes seems to reference cultural norms from before she was born in ‘88. There are other years used at times, such as the tip to use old hair clippings for firelighters setting off #1878truther.
#thunderclapforcarers Jack invented this hashtag and immediately added “hashtag founder #thunderclapforcarers” to the twitter bio in early 2021, during lockdown. That was possibly the last time Jack ever typed the phrase. It got about 5 retweets and the only people who remembered it the following Thursday at 7pm were ... us.
20 hour working days / 90 hour working weeks - Jack regularly claims to work these hours (or similar numbers in this ridiculous ballpark). She somehow manages to achieve this while also sleeping 16 hours a day, parenting her child, spending several hours a day on Twitter and rearranging her furniture on a near weekly basis. The canal have therefore reached the conclusion that she classes everything in between waking up and going to sleep as work.
90% vegan - shortly after the release of her vegan cookbook, Jack (who had previously presented as a quite militant vegan) started to reintroduce animal products into her diet and got arsey with followers who politely asked if she was no longer vegan. She then started to make the ludicrous claim of being "90% vegan" despite her social media providing ample evidence of her eating frequent fish, drinking cow's milk, cooking things in lard, eating Five Guys burgers, buying "bollock and eyelid sausages", eating eggs with almost every meal, etc. Now she claims to not put a label on her diet, but still tries to appeal to her former vegan audience when there's a profit to be made (e.g. Veganuary, her partnership with Linda McCartney).
All up in her niche - Jack accused THAT MAN (Jamie Oliver) of invading "(her) own niche genre" when he agreed to present a show on budget cooking during the pandemic.
Another suitcase in another hall - The title of a song from the musical Evita, in which Perón's former mistress (or in the movie, Eva herself) laments that her various wealthy lovers always take advantage of her and then throw her out. Jack has frequently used this phrase in reference to her partners breaking up with her, and/or having to move house.
Aunty Pat - for those photos where Jack thinks she's being edgy or sexy but actually comes across like someone's dotty middle-aged aunt. Aunty Pat is married to Uncle Dennis, who is always appropriately embarrassed by her behaviour. Examples
Behind the scenes - Jack is always doing good works quietly, behind the scenes. It may look like she spends all day on Twitter ranting about nonsense, but she's there in the background, secretly working with everyone from politicians to small local charities to solve the world's problems. Now fuck off!
Bit gauche, darling - Taken from a video clip of an interview Jack and Allegra gave Diva magazine. Jack's attempt to imitate stirring carbonara looked like she was miming fisting, and Allegra hastily cut her off with "bit gauche, darling!"
Bodybuilding pescatarian - Jack fired back at squiggles on Twitter questioning the purchase of low-welfare meat and her lack of ethics around the time of her £20 weekly shop charade with a ridiculous claim of being a bodybuilding pescatarian. Evidence of any bodybuilding - pescatarian or otherwise - is yet to emerge.
Borbora, Jheni, and Piotr - Jack spite-acknowledged in a book some teachers who may or may not have once told her to pull her socks up and do some work. Claimed to have spelled one of their names wrong out of spite, but Barbara, Jenny and Peter are all very normal spellings. The canal can only assume their true identities are Borbora, Jheni, and Piotr.
BOULEVAAARD - from when Jack posted a video of her drunkenly singing "The Heart of a Saturday Night" by Tom Waits in a hotel bathroom.
Brambly mice - the mice that live in the blackberry bush in Jack's garden that allegedly scratched Cooper's nose but the charges against them may have been dropped as a magpie or a grass allergy could also be responsible. There is also a fox who ate the hose LJC forgot to put away.and a deceased sparrow called Terry.
Bungamansion - Jack's rented house, which she says is a bungalow but looks much larger and suspiciously like a two-storey house.
Bung it in a curry - a suitable answer to any and all culinary questions.
Can't afford butter - around Oct 2020 and the £20 per week shop phase Jack claimed she could no longer afford butter, and had to cook with lard instead. After photos indicated that she had quite a lot of butter in the house, she "clarified" that she could afford it but it did not fit into her £20 food budget.
Carole Malone is away - Jack wrote for the Daily Express in place of regular columnist Carole Malone, thus the piece came with a note that "Carole Malone is away." Jack helpfully forgot to mention this until after all the paper shops were shut, but the canal already had the receipts.
Cashos, Povvos, etc. - Anything relating to Jack is funnier if it has an "o" on the end.
Celery Town - Edinburgh. Refers to when Jack was staying in Edinburgh and, among a bunch of "thirst shots" of herself, inexplicably shared a photo of some celery.
Chapeau - French word for hat. Jack uses it to mean something like "well done" (picture Del Boy out of Only Fools and Horses.)
Chesterfield Sofa - "Aspirational" brand of sofa coveted by Jack. She says she owned one before SB was born and it had to be sold when poverty struck. However, she's since acquired another one, which the canal estimates cost around £2,000.
Chickens - Brought up as a joke due to Jack's infamously terrible "chicken porridge" and/or one of her white saviour blog posts about her trip to Tanzania, where she gave us the immortal line "stars, here, for me, are like the chickens."
Chiz on tiz - From these tweets. The second squig is referencing Jack's then-recent Twitter flounce after someone criticised her mother's roast potatoes.
Chocolate, Big Chocco, ChoccyD, Careless Wispa - Jack's father AKA Big Dave. A Tattler heard from one of his former colleagues that they called him Chocolate behind his back because he "would eat himself" i.e. has an inflated opinion of himself.
Common People - "Common People" is a hit song by Pulp about dating a wealthy girl who "thinks that poor is cool", but will never experience the crushing reality of actual poverty ("you'll never live like common people.") We use it in reference to Jack cosplaying poverty, and the way she unironically accuses others of doing the same.
Cotswold Sideboards - after years of poverty Jack has now purchased at least three of these pricey and bulky furniture items, one weighs 90kg and she carried it up the “spiral staircase” of the bungalow, alone. At this time she claimed she could “bench press the Queen” as a show of strength. It has been estimated from Jack's own photos of her home that she has around 13 items from the Cotswold Company altogether.
Crack team of tech experts - In December 2021 Jack claimed that "a dozen engineers and experts" were working round the clock to fix her broken website, despite this being a simple WordPress site that should have been fairly straightforward to fix. Despite their combined expertise, as of January 2022 her team have been unsuccessful, only being able to restore the site to a backup from 2018.
Dead people cant riot - Jack Monroe - A T-shirt collection designed by Jack, who refuses to use apostrophes but remembers to get her name printed on this “charity” Merch range. Yes, it does sound like a threat. Name apparently taken from a poem Jack wrote back in the day.
Dear heart, Tender one - Terms of endearment used by Nigella “Mom” Lawson to Jack on Twitter, which Jack has since picked up and used herself. The latter has since evolved into "tenderstem", "tenderloin", etc.
Deploy the floof/Cooper - when things are not going well pictures of Cooper the cat are deployed to drive up engagement, allowing for earlier tweets to be silently deleted. See also 80s sweets/wagon wheels used to be bigger/who remembers viennetta?
Diagnosed gifted - from the Del Monte-sponsored Saddest Christmas Dinner feature Jack did where she claimed to have been 'diagnosed gifted at school'.
Dino nap - refers to Jack's habit of sleeping very long hours despite professing to work 80+ hours a week.
Dire - From Jack's September 2022 Twitter flounce, ostensibly prompted by someone (known only as Tom) saying her mum's roast potatoes looked "dire." This was subsequently used in a number of jokes/memes by squigs making fun of Jack
Doing a chaos - taken from Jack's own account of calling her then-partner home from social events to help her because she "did a chaos." Now used by the canal to refer to the whole gamut of Jack behaviour, from slandering people on Twitter to producing a particularly appalling slop.
Dordrecht - Refers to when Jack and her then boyfriend, OH/Harold (see below) went on a short trip to Dordrecht in the Netherlands. Jack had hinted beforehand at a possible engagement (despite being together for only a few months) but, just days after returning, she announced HE LEFT. What happened in Dordrecht remains a mystery the canal is yet to solve.
Double-Ds/Es/Fs - Jack often claims to have enormous double D-cup, E-cup, or even F-cup breasts despite visual evidence to the contrary.
Do you want her to stop breathing?! - On Jack's ill-fated trip to Dordrecht she felt the need to clarify that she was still Sober, before the EVIL TROLLS started attacking her. A sycophantic squig said "I'm surprised they're not telling you how to breathe!" and Jack replied "They'd rather I just stopped altogether." We now use "do you want her to stop breathing?!" in reference to any minor criticism that might offend Jack's delicate sensibilities.
Dramatic pause - Jack appeared as a speaker at the 2017 Greenbelt festival. During her speech, she gave a description of living in poverty and having to trawl in the rain looking for work with her then toddler-aged son in tow. She said (at around 14 minutes in) "Then you walk home ... dramatic pause ... you stuff your wet, handwritten CV back in your pocket ..." Evidently reading the stage directions aloud. This raises the question of whether she really wrote the speech herself.
Drawer full of cocks - Jack has said she owns "a drawer full of cocks" and referenced this in the Evening Standard and Diva magazine.
Eating Pringles - from Jack's claim that eating Pringles had caused her to develop suspiciously plump lips.
Featu - The bio on Jack's Patreon states "creating recipes, essays, books, photography, art, poetry, featu" where she presumably ran out of allocated character space.
Fingering lasagne - Taken from a Guardian article where Jack said that she wanted to learn to make a lasagne, so she bought a ready meal and physically rummaged through it rather than simply looking up a recipe.
Forever home - Jack frequently expresses her desire to be able to buy a "forever home" for her son, yet the sums of money she grifts from others never seem to cover it.
Found it in a puddle - from Jack's claim that she has a Burberry scarf because she found it in a puddle, and is definitely poor, not a grifter. Along similar lines there is "Pitsea Market" where Jack claimed to have found another of her designer purchases.
Fuck off/ Now fuck off! - Elsewhere on the boards this would be considered highly offensive but it has been adopted as a term of endearment between Hausfrauen after Jack Monroe- the renowned wit and raconteur- memorably used this as a sign of/ rebuttal to a squig on Twitter.
George Michael - From Jack's claim that her dad (Big Dave) looks like/was often mistaken for George Michael.
Go well, pal - Passive-aggressive sign-off used by Jack on some of her tweets.
Going viral - Jack was convinced that her brief appearance in a GQ awards video with Marcus Rashford would be the big break she needed. It was not. This is also the source of any reference to dancing in six inch heels.
Guest/Guset/Goose - Relates to when Jack attended a charity gala performance of Tina - The Tina Turner Musical and was photographed in the press with Kelly Holmes and Emeli Sandé. The Daily Mail referred to Kelly, Emeli, "and guest" - using the same caption as the GettyImages photo included with the article. Seemingly, no one at the paper recognised Jack or they just didn't consider her noteworthy enough to mention. Has since evolved into "guset" (initially a typo) or goose/goosey (see Honk below)
Harold - Jack's partner from around March 2022 to July 2022, referred to as OH by Jack, nicknamed Old Harold by Tattlers and explained beautifully by Valiofthedolls.
Hating gays, autistics, differences and success - what we hate - from a squiggle who leapt to Jack's defence on Twitter. This is obviously not true and is used solely for comedic effect.
Haunted engagement rings - Jack has been engaged at least three times: to Allegra, Louisa, and a police officer she dated before Allegra. She has three engagement rings which she refers to as "haunted." In 2022 she said she had pawned her haunted engagement rings as they were "hissing at (her) from a drawer of failures."
Henry Hoover - During Jack's crusade against David Walliams, she tweeted a .gif of Henry Hoover (for non-UK Tattlers, this is a brand of vacuum cleaner) to imply Walliams was a cocaine user, then denied she was specifically referring to him, and argued with several people about it.
Herbs are herbs and variations thereof - all herbs are interchangeable, as are all types of salt. Whatever it is, it doesn't matter, it's all the same. In early 2021 Jack made spa style bath salts from dried rosemary, orange peel and table salt in a glass milk bottle.
Honk - What Jack's very nasal voice sounds like.
Hoop rinsing - From a recipe in Jack's book Tin Can Cook, later re-posted on her blog, which uses tinned spaghetti hoops with the sauce washed off. Jack defended this by saying that it is a privilege to be able to heat dried spaghetti.
Horse spunk - During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live in 2020, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.
Howling and clawing at the floor - upset. Jack frequently described anything from the post arriving, to the Grenfell tragedy as causing her to react in this way.
Humiliating trousers - Jack once told a story of her dad (Big Dave) being so poor he had to "hitchhike" to his job as a firefighter, wearing "humiliating trousers." Firefighters wear navy utility trousers when not actively dealing with a fire, so she evidently wanted to give the impression he was dressed like Fireman Sam at all times.
I fancy girls, babe - In a 2015 blog post (now deleted) Jack came out as non-binary. She wrote that a previous relationship ended because her then-fiancée did not like the idea of Jack transitioning, and said "I fancy girls, babe!" It seems the ex in question was the policewoman; Jack mentions her Sainsbury's advert, which is around the time they broke up.
I love facts - everyone loves facts. Jack in particular loves facts, as she told us during her upside-down chicken pineapple Instagram live for Del Monte.
In restaurant parlance - from Jack's trip to Edinburgh where she visited Dishoom and tried to imply it was an independent restaurant and definitely not a chain, bolstering her argument by saying 'in restaurant parlance a chain is somewhere with ten or more outlets'. Now used by the canal more generally to explain anything at all.
Iqbal Rafiq / Justice for Iqbal / SH1TTER - Someone has repeatedly alleged in comments on the website of Jack's local newspaper that her former landlord, Iqbal Rafiq, lost the property after she trashed it and left bags of poo everywhere (as she had broken the toilet.) They referred to her as "THE SH1TTER." The commenter sounds more than a little unhinged, so these claims are highly questionable. But it's a funny mental image and the canal still uses it in humorous parlance.
J.1g - Mysterious tweet from Jack that appeared one night and was swiftly deleted. Jack claimed that she'd been "butt dialling" and in no way had she been trying to message someone to order a gram of ... something.
Jacklemore - From when Jack said she'd bought a large collection of shirts from a "thrift store" (we call them charity shops in the UK, and the establishment in question is actually a vintage shop)
Jollof rice - Jamie Oliver was criticised for cultural appropriation after he produced a very poor recipe supposedly for jollof rice (it was nothing like jollof rice.) When Jack accused him of stealing “her” show during lockdown she ranted “it’s like jollof rice again!”, implying him being hired over her was akin to racism. Jack herself has happily bastardised many recipes from other cultures, including congee and bibimbap.
Krish mate/ Rishi mate - Jack has been overly familiar in me-rail tweets to C4 news anchor Krishnan Guru Murthy and current Prime Minister (then Chancellor of the Exchequer) Rishi Sunak.
Kumquat - originally from a squiggle asking what to do with kumquats #JackMonroesLockdownLarder and there being some confusion over what a kumquat is. It is now used to refer to this creature from The Dark Crystal due to its resemblance to Jack's questionable orange hair during the Katie Hopkins court case-era.
Lady Di poems - Jack once said in an interview that she admired Diana Princess of Wales. Jack has also written some poems. These two facts came together in this amazing post from @LavaFlake and we have continued to pay tribute in our own way ever since. Poems in the style of this one can often be seen on the threads e.g. if Jack's latest book underperformed: "why book flop? Too much slop."
Lights on/off - from Jack's pattern of documenting her mental health journey. Every so often she'll post a smiling selfie with a long post about how she's been a broken, hollow husk for the past year but is now the happiest she's ever been, is back in the kitchen for the first time in forever and has found the light in her eyes again. This happens approximately once every couple of weeks.
LJC - Louisa Jane Compton Head of news at Channel 4. Jack’s former fiancée who lost the Burberry scarf Jack gave her with LJC embroidered on it. Used as emphasis like saying “Lord Jesus Christ!”
Lyn said it's fine - During the Sue Lee debacle, someone called Lyn asked Jack for a refund. Jack responded with a manipulative DM. Lyn's friend agreed to pass a copy of the message to someone else to share publicly, saying "Lyn said it's fine" (to share this.)
Mamapapa - When Jack came out as non-binary, she told the Telegraph that SB now called her "mamapapa" (after Barbapapa, a French character for children.) We use it to make fun of the way Jack talks about him like he's a Dickensian orphan.
Marxist-Leninist Landlord - Jack says that despite being a landlord, her dad (Big Dave) is Marxist-Leninist and does not oppress the poors. He is also a royalist. So that's ok.
Masculine-leaning aesthetic - used by Jack to describe her fashion sense (specifically this ensemble) when she wants to dabble in being non-binary again, forgetting that birds have been wearing traazers, jumpers and trainers for many decades by this point.
Mediterranean arse - from one of many of Jack's train exploits. She claims to have fallen onto the train platform and under a train, spared by her chunky Mediterranean arse.
Mel Donte - Del Monte, with whom Jack had a brand partnership in 2022. Reference is often made to her infamous upside down pineapple chicken.
Mithering ninnies - "Mithering" is northern English slang for complaining or pestering. Jack once referred to the canal as "mithering ninnies" and we've picked it up and run with it.
Neckbeards and Rage Nans - the majority of Jack's audience: slightly creepy middle-aged men with crushes on her, or older ladies who think she's a hero and don't take kindly to criticism of her.
Nightmeat - Jack claimed that she likes to "rescue the meat at the end of the night" from the Reduced to Clear section at her local Tesco, so that it won't be thrown out. Thus was born Nightmeat: her superhero alter-ego who emerges to rescue discounted meat from certain doom.
Nose boner - Refers to when a squig brought up rumours of Jack using cocaine and she came out with the memorable line "noses are made of erectile tissue."
Novak Nail / She's lying - *Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*
Opal Fruits - On the day she was due to speak on a food poverty panel at the 2021 Labour Party Conference, rather than preparing Jack spent her morning excitedly tweeting about the overpriced Opal Fruits she'd bought at the train station. Her seemingly being late to said conference may or may not be related.
Ouchy mouth - Ailment frequently suffered by Jack, necessitating many visits to doctors and dentists. At one point a lady doctor allegedly recommended lipstick as treatment. Perhaps explaining why Jack posted on Facebook that she owns 77 of them.
Per Rialto - Jack wrote about eating ice cream at "Per Rialto" when she was in Venice. Rialto is a rather famous part of the city and "per Rialto" means "for Rialto"; evidently, she misunderstood a street sign saying which way to go to reach Rialto.
Pitsea Massive - From a famously amusing tweet where Jack threatened to come after anyone who criticised her family, an eclectic mix of Cypriot, Irish, Scots, and ... Pitsea (a small town in Essex.)
POBP - Plenty Of Black Pepper, Jack’s seasoning of choice at the end of most recipes.
Poppy seeds - From Jack's bizarre claim at the 2023 Greenbelt Festival that her son was conceived after she and his father shared a curry full of poppy seeds, implying it had a narcotic-like effect that caused her to somehow forget she was gay.
Pov Jumper - poorly-fitting and unflattering grey jumper (sweater, not dress) that Jack wheels out at any event/appearance where she wants to pretend she is still desperately poor.
Prison Tamales - from Jack's claim that she made tamales using crushed Doritos in place of dough; either from a recipe in a cookbook by prison inmates, or while working behind the scenes in a prison (as usual, her stories are ever-changing.) Tamales aren't commonly eaten in the UK, but might be served in an American prison. We suspect she googled for "prison recipes" and came up with this.
Pumble - the 'pumble' is a 2018 Jack Monroe recipe which can be found on her website here. It's a terrifying cross between a pie and a crumble and at some point was reposted into Jack's twitter timeline post-pandemic. This created a lot of chat in canal threads and it is believed that the pumble had such power and influence that it had become sentient. There continue to be frequent references to it in the chat!
Related to a mummy - In a blog post, Jack claimed that due to her heritage she has "Greek Cypriot Moumia feeder tendencies." The canal has discovered that in fact, "moumia" is the Greek word for a mummy as in a mummified corpse.
Ring binders / court outfits / 100% success rate/ "Lawyer up, ladies" - all relating to Jack's repeated threats to silence the canal by taking the matter to court. She will supply the evidence in ring binders of printed out pages from Tattle that her lawyer regularly reads through. Her 100% success rate is the single case she won against Katie Hopkins. The lawyer later relocated to Israel.
RIP Viv - Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted, and then got snippy when corrected that Viv was not, in fact, dead at the time (this was before Vivienne Westwood's death in December 2022.) There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes.
Russell Brands - rhyming slang for praying hands*. Jack uses these on Twitter when tying to be a ~guru~ type.
*and sometimes just for hands.
Russell Hobbs - rhyming slang for “knob” from the time Jack claimed to have knocked her glass RH kettle over (because ADHD) and smashed it, then posted pictures of an antique copper kettle she was planning to use, until a squiggle @ Russell Hobbs to give Jack a new kettle. They offered, we may never know the outcome.
Saturday Night Dance - Jack gave a totally true anecdote of how she got everyone, young and old alike, onto the dance floor for "Saturday Night Dance" when she was at a holiday camp. There are no songs called Saturday Night Dance. We think she either meant "Saturday Night" by Whigfield, or the theme to Saturday Night Fever.
School run/Walking the dog - Jack has been known to disappear from Twitter for days on end, then return saying she was busy with "the school run", when her grift is questioned. In April 2024 she used "walking the dog" as her excuse, which we refer to in the same way.
Schrödinger's Jack - like the cat in the box in this famous philosophical discussion, someone can be in two opposite states at the same time because you can’t prove which state is true until you see for yourself. Jack has been both rich and poor, awake and asleep, worked 20 hours per day whilst being asleep, has not had a holiday in years plus had a number of holidays, previously owned two cats despite never having owned a cat before Cooper, a single parent raising SB alone with no support whilst co-parenting with SB's very much involved father, and and not had COVID whilst worrying she had long COVID after just catching it but then went out to lots of shops. Or something. And many other polar opposites at the same time.
Send doggos/cattos/animalos - a common request when you need a distraction technique to purge all the chaos from your Twitter timeline or require an immediate infusion of attention.
SEVERE - used for emphasis as everything Jack has experienced is always the most SEVERE form possible. See: adult ADHD, doctor-diagnosed 99% classic autism, breaking more bones in her foot than exist in a normal human skeleton, receiving abuse on Twitter etc.
Sex Jack - Jack's periodic phases of tweeting far too much information about her sex life, usually when she has a new partner. She does this on her public Twitter which she says her mother follows and SB reads.
Shan't - used by Jack when she refused to leave after turning up uninvited on Thread #31.
SHE LEFT! - How Jack announced that Louisa broke up with her.
Shitty bungalow - Jack called her rented bungalow shitty then backtracked as her posts showed it was actually rather nice. It has a lovely garden that she seems to have discovered once she moved in while also being the reason she chose to live there.
"Shut your legs"/"Should have kept your legs shut" - used by the canal for comic effect, arising from the frankly improbable number of times Jack claims to have had this or similar insults shouted at her, from passing males on the street, politicians when the cameras are turned off, her own brother, etc. Obviously we would never actually say this to Jack or any other woman. One amusing variation was "white trash shouldn't breed" which she claims was shouted at her by an elderly woman on a train.
Sic transit gloria = Latin for "glory fades." Used by George Monbiot in reference to Jack and represents her total loss of credibility even among her liberal middle-class target audience.
Slop - general term for any of Jack's cooking as the overwhelming majority of it is at least semi-liquid, completely lacks texture and is often an unpleasant shade of brown. Sometimes used in conjunction with low and slow - Jack's favourite way to obliterate any texture, flavour and colour an ingredient may once have had by putting it in a slow cooker for between six hours and three days. See also “base” a thing Jack is trying to make happen for all recipes, and sloup a sloppy soup.
Small Stetson - On a photo of Jack wearing a new hat, a squig commented to ask how she could afford it when she was pleading poverty. Jack gave a sanctimonious response about how she had lived on the very cheapest food for ten years and that if others would only do the same, they too might be able to afford "a small Stetson."
Smol pixie - Jack likes to be thought of as small and delicate, often stating her height to be exactly 5'1.7". Also known as Angry Pixie (due to her frequent rages) or Towering Pixie, because she's clearly a lot taller than she says she is.
Snow / - IYKYK
Squiggle / viggle - a squiggle ("squig") is anyone from social media anonymised by scribbling over their name and profile photo. A viggle is the vegan variant that emerged during Jack's disastrous Linda McCartney partnership in Veganuary.
Thankspaceyou - Jack is unable to spell 'thank you' correctly, and always conjoins the words when posting on Twitter. We tend to correct this when posting ourselves.
Thank you Matt - Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on Daily Kitchen Live was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.
That'll do. - used when you are feeling very self-satisfied after having posted some new form of slop on social media, usually one containing upwards of fifteen ingredients. See also “oooft” and “you’re welcome”
That's not my fanny - Jack attended a Google summit about poverty and subsequently tweeted a picture of herself at the event, sitting down in a very short dress. She was quick to clarify that what could be seen underneath the dress was her "chubby lil thighs", not her fanny. In no way was this a poor attempt at distraction from her Patreon woes.
TOOT TOOT! - from this somewhat unhinged tweet by Jack.
Trains - Jack is incapable of using a train without being locked in, assaulted, intimidated, misgendered, told she Should Have Kept Her Legs Shut, or other chaos.
TROLLCLAIMS - Jack made a Twitter post announcing she would address a number of "trollclaims" frequently levelled at her. The first TROLLCLAIM was that she had "£500 worth of Botox" in her forehead. The canal has never said this, and we can't find evidence that anyone on Twitter has either. We eagerly awaited more, but sadly it seems that was the only TROLLCLAIM she could think of.
TYFATGTYD - "Thank you for all the good that you do", a phrase Jack often claims to hear from others.
Vimes Boots Index/VBI - Jack's plan for an index showing how much she thinks the cost of the cheapest foods has risen (intended to challenge the ONS' index, which she says is a vast underestimate.) The name comes from Man at Arms by Terry Pratchett, in which Sam Vimes reflects that the cost of frequently replacing his cheap military boots adds up to much more than buying a sturdy pair that would last; effectively, he is being penalised for being poor. Jack decided to apply this to food (I know, it doesn’t work.) The canal have since replaced the V, B and sometimes I with ridiculous words, because it’s a ridiculous idea.
Vlad - We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.
WARNED - All-purpose threat. Taken from a squig who wrote a comment telling people to stop criticising Jack, and ended it with "WARNED."
WFK/ Who Fucking Knows? - @kachoochoo famously tried to work out how Jack’s £20 shop would feed three people for a week and concluded with a picture. As nothing Jack says ever adds up, the phrase has become used regularly ever since. View attachment 938530
Yomping - Jack's preferred method of travel.
You only get cake if you've been in her vagina - from an Instagram post by Jack about making a birthday cake for Mrs J, stipulating that she only bakes cakes for people who have 'come out of her fanny or been in it'.
Zoe Eccentricity - a byproduct of the Mediterranean arse, which independently posted a bunch of gibberish onto Jack's Twitter account, including the mysterious “J. 1g” then apparently randomly coming up with the name Zoe Eccentricity. Jack promptly made it her entire personality.
and / Owl and Champagne/ hooting and fizzing - laughing. Jack frequently described that some funny incident was causing her to be hooting and fizzing around the room.
THE END - from a tweet by Jack's friend/alleged sugar mama Linda Riley, complaining that an anonymous blogger criticising Jack was a coward because they did not write about her under their own identity.
Jack's Coming Soons
A frequently updated list of all the recipes, articles, blog posts, projects etc that Jack herself has said she will do. Includes green ticks and evidence for when she completes something:
£15 a week lunches
£20 shops as a whole
3 recipes per week in 2022
4 blogs a week in 2023
9 half-written manuscripts
15 minute meals
24 tweet thread of proving the trolls wrong
35 recipes from a £20 shop, pick your fave
2000 words for print glossy GQ awards
a few announcements
adding to twitter thread of plants as they bloom
advent calendar
aged chicken thigh bone stock
alcohol free versions of recipes
another walk in a restricted mod area
apple and pear crumble with brown sugar
austerity book
base system going in next book
BBC show guest on dr rupy's iplayer show
best value vegetables for squig
big press photo shoots
big work
black bean brownies recipe
black bean recipes from poll
black pudding pastitsio
BLM video monetization donation
blog a simple recipe
blog about energy companies' profits and nationalising stuff
blog of heatwave foods
blog post excited about for ages
bollocking rishi sunak
book on culinary history
book signing in Belfast
books for slow cooker appeal
books for the rural coffee caravan
confirmed never arrived 17.2.22 by rcc twitter
Brand New System for desk wallpaper
bright blue think tank updates
brioche balls brioche, mincemeat and camembert wreath
broccoli, creamy cannellini beans and fish
broccoli breakfast pasta
budget shopping article
Camp Kitchen from the shed
cannelini bacon and pork belly pie
carrot cake baked oats
chestnut fudge thing
chicken livers
chicken nuggets with black pudding crumb
chocolate and prune oats
Christmas condiment
Christmas leftovers caesar salad - nov 2022
Christmas pie and mash - due 3.1.23
cinnamon granola recipe
coconut oil etc mouthwash quantities
coffee scrub
column for the Breakdown
comic filter security
comparison of 2021 £20 shop to 2022 £20 shop
compiling list of independent food banks
Conditions of Bungalow Bubbling lessons
cooking for one book
cost of living crisis recipes in one category
crispy fish recipe
curating regular book recommendations
David Walliams book reviews
dauphinoise pie
dealing with paying taxes
deep pinky purple mascarpone ice cream
denim shirt embroidery commissions
depressipes
detailed blog on nutrition
devilled eggs recipe completed it, mate
diabetic recipes
dig out microwave and kettle recipes
DM to Yel
drawing nigella's garden
dyeing all clothes black
easy care for cutlery
email household management book to agent
ethical on a budget
explain daily usage of pythagoras theorem something to do with rishi sunak
extremely useful stuff
festive pop tarts
festive vegan loaf peeling pie
filing accounts
flannel blog
flapjack recipe
folding fitted sheets in seconds
food truck of joy
fulfilling all patreon commitments 2022 edition
gailymail
giant caramelised banana and chocolate pancake
goat kleftiko
gold rush xmas presents
great resources by trans + non binary writers
greek cook book
greens, eggs and ham
half-written budget xmas recipes
handing over her platform to poc
haybox and thermos cooking
healthy on a bootstrap
hecking big decluttering
helping disability and mental health writers
history of York road market
homemade hand sanitiser
homemade cleaning items
homemade dog biscuits
homemade houmous secret ingredients
huge depop or Ebay sale
mushroom butter
New Thing
newspaper campaign the fucking express
no- and low-fuel cooking (kinda) the bromelain in canned pineapple is denatured
no waste cook book (on twitter for world earth day)
nutrition degree
onion chopping song
open the space squig box
Other Plans for cabbage
ouchy mouth recipes
painstakingly costed menu for week under £20
pastry recipe
patreon update
peasants pudding recipe
photos of Rather Renegade xmas dinner 2022
picture of tree postcards
pistachio milk
pointing out real plants
pork and lentil bolognese
postcards, postcards, postcards
poverty memoir
puttanesca soup
quick pickling
radish recipes
recipe roundup on Instagram
recipes for small people
red ephemera soup recipe
redoing dinner to get better light
report for work and pensions committee
repotting spider plants from a friend
reshooting beach pottery in daylight
rooting out Amazon from website
running around in heels with a Tall Man
GQ awards 2020. no evidence of running or dancing, but Marcus is tall. she didn't even personally hand him the award.
running order for xmas dinner
salt and vinegar sardines and spaghetti
sardine tin print
sausage and kale slop
Secret Ingredient - possibly banana skin
secret stock ingredient
human dreamies
potato water
selling books on website again
send squig mandarin carrot recipe
sending maple syrup tin to fan
serious work
serving libel papers to fox/daubney/anderson
set up mastodon
setting her teenage musings to music
sexy kitchen makeover reason
shopping trolley viewed Sept 2021, unclear if gift
sideboard photos reason
sleep hygiene routine
slow cooker bubble bath
slow cooker recipes, maybe for depher
slow cooker xmas dinner - before xmas 2021
some kind of timetable for SB in lockdown
something about how money buys time
something else Jack'll remember sometime
soup for bed recipe
spite recipe
split peas and cooking bacon
squigs pick eyeshadow looks
super secret shopping trip hack
thrifty kitchen published january 2023 - quarterhack
supper nanny
support cabal for bullied media types
swamp thing
sweet and sour soup
sweet potato caramel
t shirts with offensive slogan actually done within 3 hours 1.2.22
t shirt profits to trussell trust updates
teemill profits
thread about moving house
thrifty shades of beige
Thursday thunder clap
tiktok
tin juice cordial recipe
tomato soup water content done
train video for squig
transcribing and blogging non binary talk
transcribing government bollocking
translation of a Greek Cypriot cookbook
unorthodox cheese sauce - done
unorthodox courgette squishing
Up To Something
uses for juice from del monte tins
various cornflakes chicken recipes
vegan char sui buns
vegan cheese list
vegan crackling deep-fried rice paper apparently, admitted April 2022. this was among the original items on this list, first posited in late 2019, preceding these threads
vegan diabetic creme egg (maybe)
vegan haggis
vegan pastitsio in collab with Linda
vegan paella with artichokes
vegan pie glaze
vegan version of upside down pineapple chicken
Vimes Boots Price Index - due mid February 2022
visit Poland
weekly routine
write about diva pdf experience
write about sobriety
writing a thing about tories and 30p meals
zero waste curry falafels
Jack's many possessions - as photographed / mentioned by her
We all know that Jack Monroe is extremely poor - after all she keeps telling us on the reg! And yet...here we have a list of triangulated possessions seen in her very own photographs published online (and / or mentioned by her online). Perhaps this is the reason she can't save up for a house deposit as yet? Jack is very fortunate and has stated frequently that many of her possessions have been gifted or found in a puddle - truth or lie? You decide!
Latest stocktake [03/06/2023]
Notes from @That Forensic Man:
Anything spenny is fair game, but I will add whatever fraus want.
My own benchmark is discretionary or 'non-essential' spend in the context of someone who claims to not be able to afford shower gel or 6p for butter instead of lard etc.
Jack moves things around constantly so try to avoid double counting.
Instagram is a literal and figurative gold mine.
If I like your stocktake post it means I've seen it and will include in the next update.
Please provide the price and description line for the item so I can add it straight to the stocktake e.g. "£158 orange nike trainers (asda trip)"
New items are in bold, the numbers before the items are £ value.
Have fun.
Now fuck off x
100x rolls of paper for photo backgrounds
10x huge bags of clothes (donated away)
2x round copper side/end/bedside table
3x christmas trees
3x engagement rings
3x identical jumpers green/grey/orange
Artificial snow
'basic' belt
baskets, baskets everywhere
blue sectional sofa
blue stripey viv trazzers
blue velvet curtains she lovingly fondles
calvin klein rug blue/white?
cassette table that Andy The Sound Guy from the Samsung shoot made
copper desk lamp
copper kettle
cream desk lamp
diesel lost in lust leather jacket black
double monk shoes black
drinking glasses (content approved)
dusty plastics string of pearls plant
fake tan
fancy crockery (shitloads)
fancy teabags (no naughty comments about elaborate teabagging. WARNED)
food storage (shitloads, kilner jars etc.)
furniture and set dressing for the shed outside that she was going to turn into a studio
gold and pink flowers teapot
gold padded armchair
headphones trashed by gluing flowers on
hundreds of pounds she spends on her private prescriptions
Jo Malone candles
laptops for 'team of staff'
lawnmower
Le Creuset
leapord print shoes oxfam
leather jackets
leather suitcase light brown
lightbulb desk lamp
matching ceiling light fittings throughout bungalow
monsoon silk floral dress blue
plastic flower headdress phase
red adjustable floor lamp (similar to anglepoise but no mechanism)
red teardrop drop hoop earrings
Rigby and Peller bras
'sexy 60th' red and black leopard print (?) Groucho Awards dress
'shoe obsession'
special spice-jar-grabbing tongs (assumed)
Australian herbal teas
squishy sofa
teeth whitening (maybe filter)
tents
THAT BLOODY LAMP
The hen with the rubber eggs for nesting hens?
The new pair of boots she bought after wearing the taped together pair for a while on TV (despite having other pairs ...?)
TV in her bathroom
velvet sofabed
vintage walking stick brass handle
watch with chunky silver strap
watch with flowery strap
watch worn at Groucho awards
Sticky brown poo copper saucepan
lovely bright red pestle and mortar that was a gift from a friend
Melodian
Denby - Halo and Halo Speckle
Made.com crockery (£130 for a 12-piece dinner set)
Pregnacare pregnancy vitamins
blue tits (birds) scarf
cerise corduroy jacket
Clothes
110 2x Oliver Bonas jumpers
35 boiler suit (which was dyed pink)
300 trouser suit she wore for the Diva photoshoot (and ofm awards)
75 Sweaty Betty leggings
300 2x Viv westwood dress (assume sale)
200 R&P bras (x 2 minimum)
350 Warm & wonderful diana sheep jumper
10 horrendous steam punk clock leggings (worn once)
116 Instagram look
49 Ted Baker pyjamas
45 jolly warehouse skirt (balls was it £5)
12 'limited edition' vest
3 Asda Cream Gratitude Slogan Sweatshirt (kids)
110 Two pairs of granny curtain boiler suits
12 2x dylon machine dye
450 Vivienne Westwood Red Label 2014 red tartan trazzers
450 Vivienne Westwood dark red tartan trazzers
550 Vivienne Westwood anglomania mid length dress
350 Vivienne Westwood anglomania vintage white shirt blouse
325 Vivienne Westwood worlds end snap button conquistador plaid waistcoat (beige)
600 Vivienne Westwood matching plaid trazzers (beige)
600 Vivienne Westwood womens grey pants (plaid)
3325
100 calvin klein sportswear
150 nike pro sportswear
865 joesph stretch leather leggings (ew)
20 genderation t-shirt
35 M&S COLLECTION Pure Cotton Flannel Check Shirt khaki
16 M&S COLLECTION Unisex Cotton Rich Zip Through Hooded (8-9 Yrs) navy
14 Punx 'workers of the world unite' t-shirt black with red star
70 Liverpool FC Nike Womens Away Stadium Jersey 21/22
56 Sugarhill Brighton Rita Rainbow Heart Jumper white
4 H&M playsuit blue
45 Superdry Classic Lumberjack Shirt pink
45 Dickies Lightweight Cotton Coverall Overall Reflective - Navy Blue
25 'not up for grabs' classic t-shirt
12 fire brigades union t-shirt (probably nicked)
3 childrens jumper with city names green
55 nike womens essential hoodie yellow
0 counting crows blue script star t-shirt (included in VIP package)
56 Trespass womens wicking active leggings vivien
50 Trespass duoskin womens top (estimate)
12 Sainsbury's t-shirt with dogs on (frau owned)
58 Gender Free World Penguin Short Sleeve Shirt
90 Monsoon tunic dress blue embellished (estimate)
15 Asda flamingo shirt
400 ten pairs of identical jeans (estimate £40 each)
300 ten identical denim shirts (estimate £30 each)
190 2x Heist bodysuits
35 Heist bralette
20 Tesco F&F Oh What Fun Jumper
15 Asda George rainbow stripes sleeve jumper (estimate) 20 Nirvana smiley T shirt
40 Joe Browns rock chick check trousers green
14 Tesco tweed blazer
Jackets
5000 Burberry brit jacket black ($5-6k)
1790 Burberry short islington trench coat
339 All Saints balfern suede biker jacket deep cherry
300 All Saints leather jacket black
36 Topshop denim jacket
144 4x other denim jackets (estimate £36 ea.)
109 Joules coast waterproof jacket antique gold
370 The North Face mens gotham jacket black
Accessories
780 2x Burberry scarves (one for her and one for LJC)
146 Ray Ban sunglasses (one pair, probably multiple)
60 mary poppins parrot umbrella
300 3x wigs (assumed, £100 ea.)
60 Boy london snap back black/gold hat ($60)
290 Burberry lightweight check wool silk scarf
375 Burberry scarf mustard
15 Liverpool FC scarf
635 Moschino Women's Leopard-print Calf Hair Pouch
12 Gucci monogram double ring belt black gold dupe
14 2x Scribbler 'fuck off' eye mask
0 personalised lanyard (gift from squig)
0 Tiggy & Bo green leapord shoulder bag (freebie, to put things in) 476 Stetson Hatteras pigskin leather cap dark brown (aka wax suede stetson hat) (£119 ea.)
35 Specialized 5-panel cap pink
Bags
795 Mulberry elkington oak bag
14 Mulberry bag replacement Oliver Bonas strap
20 Kangol shoulder bag
60 Cath Kidston rucksack
2450 7x Kate Spade bags (1 for each book deal, average £350 each)
Shoes
180 Dr Martens 2976 alyson wintergrip chelsea boots brown
120 Dr Martens willow edition boots
7 Dr. Martens willow boots replacement Dr. Martens Round Shoe Laces Yellow
120 Dr Martens red boots
158 Nike Epic React Flyknit orange trainers (asda trip)
245 Russell & Bromley chester tassel loafer (dubious provenance, worn to Edinburgh book festival 2022)
245 Downing Street' leopard monstrosities with block heels
245 Third pair of 'spenny loafers' (assumed)
100 Magnum boots
895 Jimmy Choo ren sandals blue 2016
750 Christian Louboutin Audrey Strappy Glitter Sandal
85 Converse leather black
350 Church's brogues
215 Russell and Bromley charlize theresa may jobbies
190 Nike Air Max Vapormax 360 (grey gold white)
190 Nike Air Max Vapormax 360 Fossil Metallic (silver black white)
35 Firefighter 4000 boots with pull ups
158 Nike flyknit red trainers (priced per orange ones)
190 Nike Air Max Vapormax 360 (black)
189 Dr Martens sinclair boots black
100 Magnum boots red laces
150 Nike Air Max 98 leopard print 2019
120 Joules womens westbourne luxe chelsea boots brown ocelot
20 Dorothy Perkins leopard print jobbies
20 Primark black chunky chain detail lace up boots
100 Irregular Choice Elevenses teapot heels (estimate) 100 Nike Free Run 5.0 black 2014 (estimate)
60 Vans high top brown pattern
Jewellery
1550 2x Tiffany pearl hoop earrings sterling silver (two pairs)
485 Tiffany 1837 Makers I.D. Tag Pendant in Sterling Silver, 24" (worn at arcade fire gig)
66 Tatty Devine Fishbone necklace
265 Pandora bracelet with at least 7 charms (£55 bracelet + 7x £30) that was lost
265 Pandora bracelet with at least 7 charms (£55 bracelet + 7x £30)
140 Sarah Akwisombe evil eye necklace 550 Tiffany Paloma Picasso Olive Leaf Pearl Earrings
715 Pandora necklace with 20+ charms (£115 necklace + 20x £30 charms)
255 The Great Frog Strange Fruit Anatomical Heart Ring
Watches
7450 Breitling Navitimer
600 Omega seamaster (replica?)
130 Finn watch
150 Garmin watch
199 Apple watch (assume series 3)
150 Rotary Swiss Commando limited edition caged watch 1990s (gift from big Dave)
200 Fitbit versa 1st gen
0 Adventure Time finn watch (gift from grandma)
150 Fitbit charge 2
20 Apple watch pride rainbow strap
20 Apple watch yellow strap
45 Casio CA-506-1 Calculator Stainless Steel Band Watch
Cosmetics
800 77x Lipsticks
200 14x Foundations
250 40x Eyeliners
500 misc makeup
900 Vie Aesthetics botox (estimate, £300/3 areas x 3 treatments)
3960 Vie Aesthetics fillers (estimate, £330/ml x 3ml per year x 4 years)
1056 Haircuts at Toni & Guy, Woo Hair etc. (estimate, £66 x 4 per year x 4 years)
3000 2x tattoo sleeves (estimate, £1,500 per sleeve)
150 Penhaligons fragrance
134 stinkbug eyeshadow look (no freebies hint hint)
70 Jean Paul Gaultier classique 2 piece music gift box ('her partners')
13 Superdrug Me+ Vitamin C with Squalane Booster 30ml
22 CK one fragrance
54 3x Lush sleepy body lotion (£10, £18 or £30 ea.)
13 Sanctuary Spa Radiance Illuminating Whipped Moisture Cream
20 load of baby teething necklaces for ouchy mouth
8 Turkish barber 18/11/22
14
Furniture
400 Cotswold Company small sideboard (living room, blue)
229 Cotswold Company tallboy (bedroom, ivory)
799 Cotswold Company chester dove grey writing bureau (similar)
849 Cotswold Company oakland rustic oak dining table
399 Cotswold Company oakland rustic oak storage bench
2396 2x Cotswold Company chester dresser
1529 Cotswold Company chester grand dresser
299 Cotswold Company bookcase (porch, used for manky wooden photography boards)
800 2x Cotswold Company small sideboards
499 Cotswold Company chester dove grey wine console
599 Cotswold Company chester large sideboard
699 Cotswold Company chester large sideboard (wine rack version)
800 2x Cotswold Company oakland rustic oak hidden shoe storage bench
730 Cotswold Company chester dove grey extra large dresser top
369 Cotswold Company chester dove grey shoe storage bench (bathroom)
999 Cotswold Company chester dove grey grand sideboard (for extra large dresser top)
249 Cotswold Company Westcote Blue Coffee Table with Drawers
849 Cotswold Company Westcote Inky Blue Extra Large Sideboard
1299 Cotswold Company Westcote Cream Large Double Larder
319 11x Cotswold Company standard delivery (22 investment pieces, say 2 pieces per delivery)
2232 8x Made Kendal dining chairs teal
384 8x Argos maine narrow bookcase white
144 3x Argos maine narrow bookcase oak effect
60 3x Argos maine tall CD DVD tower oak effect
80 2x Ikea helmer white 6 drawer unit
1350 Hopkins SPITE SOFA (designers guild florence 2 seater)
785 Chesterfield the captain's swivel chair (mid-price range)
400 John Lewis hammock
400 John Lewis egg chair
575 Next westcott no footend double bed
150 6x metal folding chairs (for her Mormon tabernacle Amish prayer circle fellowship things)
200 4x metal patio chairs (for her Mormon tabernacle Amish prayer circle fellowship things)
150 2x IKEA TOBIAS Chair, transparent/chrome-plated
840 2x The Orchard Button Back Upholstered Chair Oatmeal Fabric with Wooden Legs
600 Aldi hammock chairs at £300 a piece
2375 CHESTERFIELD SOFA
50 2x B&M Lokken 4 Cube Basket Storage Unit White
30 12x storage cubes (at least) (£5 for 2)
4400 Antique fluted barrel back wingback leather library chair (median price)
140 shipping for wingback (average)
299 2x Made Marvel bar stools brass
1196 4x Made Kendal dining chairs tan
29 IKEA bekvam step stool white
29 IKEA bekvam step stool brown
45 IKEA bekvam stepladder 3 steps
Kitchen
250 magnetic Allegra spice jars
104 rusty eBay spoons
80 Emma Bridgewater toaster with TOASTER on it
140 4x Ikea hejne 'cheapo shoe racks' for seasonal crockery
72 9x Ikea knagglig wooden box
420 3x Sophie Conran for Portmeirion Coupe Dinnerware Set, White, 12 Pieces (4x dinner plates, 4x small Plates, 4x bowls)
184 8x Sophie Conran for Portmeirion Mugs, White (£46/2, assume she has 8)
100 8x Sophie Conran squiggly shell plates (£50/4, 5x shown)
100 8x Sophie Conran squiggly noodle bowls (£50/4, 2x shown)
124 8x Sophie Conran squiggly pasta bowls (£62/4, 2x shown)
84 8x Sophie Conran squiggly cereal bowls (£42/4, 6x shown)
21 Sophie Conran squiggly pitcher
300 kitchen aid
400 20x John Lewis clear plastic storage bins
290 Baywood 33 drawer tea chest
30 John Lewis Perspex cube pasta storage with pink lids
35 7x full set of oversized unicorns/animal mugs from Asda (£5 ea.)
425 Graham and Green birdcage lampshade
65 SimpleHuman hand soap dispenser (kitchen)
2500 Smeg fridge (double American style)
400 ooni pizza oven (freebie)
56 7x Wilko snake charmer kitchen baskets
479 Nespresso creatista plus coffee machine (doesn't drink coffee)
899 Rangemaster cooker
45 Bialetti moka color blue 6 cup
45 Bialetti moka express silver 6 cup
70 Nutribullet 600 (replacement)
0 chest freezer (second hand free allegedly)
700 2x chest freezers
60 Rock tumbler
5 Tesco zencker enamel medium pie dish
40 campingaz stove (blue)
10 blue travel kettle
4 Asda rainbow butter dish
70 Dunelm Retro 20L 800W Pink Digital Microwave
70 nutribullet (dead)
70 blue microwave
70 copper microwave
25 cream toaster
25 glass kettle (broken because adhd)
25 pink kettle
10 wilko slow cooker white (for shower gel)
0 replacement wilko slow cooker white (freebie)
40 slow cooker black (for coffee)
3 asda glass salt/pepper grinder
3 Joie Spud Dude peeler
5 flower saucepan (oxfam)
9 H&M plate green fancy
30 vintage weighing scales small (msg use only)
10 2x lidl moscow mule copper mugs
28 BRITA water filter jug
305 61x (at least) high quality crystal clear food storage containers (shitloads) £5 ea. but go up to £20 ea.
18 metal bin cream
18 metal bin silver
10 25x Wilko hexagonal glass jars (£5 12pk)
4 tesco espresso cup with saucer black gold
6 Wilko copper effect bread bin
42 12x Wilko Copper Effect Tea and Coffee Canisters (£10.50 for 3)
28 BIA gold camel teapot
850 Samsung fridge freezer Series 5 RB38T665DSA 70/30 (very similar)
168 Denby Halo Coupe Dinnerware Set, 12 Piece, Blue
60 2x charity shop crockery hauls (£40 + £20)
30 victorinox swiss army knife
45 IKEA raksog utility cart blue
46 IKEA raksog utility cart green
136 Mauviel M'150B copper saucepan bronze handle 20 cm
200 Mauviel copper stew pan
200 Mauviel copper sauce pan
501 Viadurini Hand Tinned Copper Casserole, Lid and Arched Handle 28 cm - MariaG (middle size)
135 3x bento boxes insulated 3 tier grey bag (£45 ea.)
160 Gourmet GTSC002 Triple 3.9L Slow Cooker - Grey
38 Biscuiteers first aid kit
65 wilko cream/green flying ants kettle (estimate)
9 H&M Home 3-pack spoons gold-coloured (placenta porridge)
23 Royal multi tea spoons
50 food dehydrator (minimum)
11 Polish Pottery 165ml Creamer Milk Jug - Heart to Heart
22 Tesco go cook butchers block chopping board
135 Global Classic knife
300 Blok knife (Observer Food Award)
300 Mcusta Zanmai supreme ripple knife
265 blenheim forge nakiri knife
70 Joseph Joseph knives
35 ICEL meat cleaver
135 second Global knife
1000 knife roll she left on the train (at least) 140 Laguiole cutlery set, 18 piece/6 place settings, iridescence
25 Riess Enamel Pastel Milk Jug pink
200 iLife mopping robot (gift for parents Christmas 2020)
322 Arthur Price Old English Cutlery Set, 44 Piece/6 Place Settings
Bathroom
58 Squatty Potty Slim with Teak Finish Toilet Stool
20 etekcity bathroom scales (read: fuck off)
35 SimpleHuman Wall Mounted Shower Soap Pump Dispenser, Single
90 SimpleHuman Wall Mounted Shower Soap Pump Dispenser, Triple
88 8x John Lewis ultra soft cotton bath towel white (£11 ea.)
128 8x John Lewis ultra soft cotton bath sheet white (£16 ea.)
28 13x John Lewis ultra soft cotton face cloth white (£4/2)
Electronics
60 3x “tiles” for locating lost keys/phones by internet magic
80 Nokia 3310
40 Vintage ferguson radio casette recorder
549 55" TV
120 24" TV for SB's PlayStation
199 Airpods (dropped in cooking)
249 Airpods pro
300 Dyson hairdryer
110 Crosley cruiser suitcase turntable ('SB's' bedroom)
320 2x Roberts Revival Mini radio
900 6x DAB radios (£150 ea.)
199 Bodyclock luxe 700FM alarm clock
1200 iMac desktop
1000 Macbook pro
1000 other laptop
79 Apple mouse
249 1x tablet
100 2x microphones
100 3x sets of headphones
60 3x backup batteries
140 4x studio lights (ESDDI)
45 3x extension leads
30 1x pivot stand
539 1x Canon 700D as backup
700 Sony vaio laptop
1000 iPhone 13/14 Pro
300 30x records
20 2x short tripods
40 Sony walkman casette player green (WM-EX)
180 House of Marley Get Together Bluetooth Speaker
60 House of Marley Jammin' Positive Vibrations (EM-JH010-SU) On-Ear Headphones - Sun
750 hp all in one pc (estimate £500-£2k)
22 2x light/fountain speakers
180 Dyson V6 Car + Boat vacuum
619 v. old iphone for bike (at least 6S to update google maps, mid model)
250 brand new chromebook thing for Caroline (estimate)
829 Google Pixel 4 (mid model)
399 Yamaha P-45 digital piano
999 Macbook air M1 pink 2020
319 ipad 2021 (fell in a sink of hot water and bleach) (£319-459)
999 Google pixelbook 2017 (water damaged courtesy of visiting child during veganish published Dec 2019) (£629+)
999 Google pixelbook (assumed replacement seen in Jan 2021) (£629+)
467 samsung galaxy S7 phone silver
219 samsung galaxy J3 phone dark blue removable battery
0 samsung tablet (freebie from ad work)
476 samsung galaxy S7 phone dark blue
179 Humax FVP-5000T freeview play recorder
40 printer (estimate)
40 broken printer (estimate)
30 shredder (minimum)
998 2x Dyson purifier/fan
500 hp laptop red (estimate)
189 ipod classic 160gb (lost)
790 20,000 itunes songs at 79p each (assume bought 1000)
Home adornments
428 fancy knobs
72 antique bird of paradise porcelain door knobs and finger plates (bedroom door)
432 if she's done the other say 6 internal doors as well
35 two-headed Skellington dog plastic Halloween decoration
155 Morris & Co. Strawberry Thief curtains (median price £65-45)
37 Culinary Concepts gold s-shaped test tube vase (unboxed second, allegedly half price)
300 sentient mirror
2000 438x baubles
28 John Lewis llama doorstop
18 H&M peacock gold candlestick
100 10x H&M gold candlesticks
294 'I can't forget' screenprint navy/raspberry
10 squid game guard mask from the market
95 Abigail Aherne grey hare table lamp
12 Hare lamp replacement shade wilko wire cage hessian
12 Hare lamp replacement shade blue
30 flamingo neon light
20 furry piglet (?) duvet set
8 Edmond the solar pug
12 la savioe book box
30 3x wire cage lamp shade copper
20 'on air' small light
20 vintage metal tool box blue
140 2x Wilko Blair Floor Lamp Cream And Copper
270 French mid century brass piano lamp (closest match)
25 vintage kodak camera (bookend, brought back from Dordrecht)
370 2x big spotlight lamps on tripods
300 Harrods mirror (bedroom)
172 John Lewis Velvet Pair Lined Pencil Pleat Curtains Pink (median price £111-234)
100 vintage Laura Ashley curtains from eBay
12 Himalayan salt lamp
800 Louis De Poortere Bronx Azurite Rug, Blue L330 x W230cm
12 ASDA Extra Special Rose & Lily
5 ASDA Carefully Selected Isabella Bouquet
499 Tanglewood guitar
345 3x Habitat Tall 1 Door 4 Shelf Locker - Mustard
19 Craft/knitting storage bag cats
25 Catherine Lansfield Oh Deer! duvet quilt cover set double
25 John Lewis umbra sticks multi hook white 350 "We should hang something cool here" neon sign 1000mm
20 Abigail Aherne octopus wall hook
24 Argos Home Rayner Table Lamp - Black
349 Balsam Hill Christmas tree (estimate 6')
Books
63 Cabin Porn
31 Vivienne Westwood (RIP) 322 2022s 161 books (£2 ea.)
600 ~300 police procedurals, crime fiction and thrillers in 2 years (£2 ea.)
Work
1000 unread books (estimate)
543 32x copies of cooking on a bootstrap (kickstarter version) just sat there
15 6x ring binders (for coroner's reports)
525 35x moleskin notebooks
44 per roll wallpaper used as ADHD friendly “to-do” list
70 folding table
150 5x hastily installed curtains
4 1x actual tin can (eBay)
25 wooden calculator (unused)
60 12x Derwent colorsoft pencils
200 Sarah Akwisombe’s Money & Manifesting course
22 2x giveaway copies at big green books
34 CGD London 'Master Plan' notebook
Garden
420 3x VegTrugs (unknown quantity, £140 ea.)
150 wire racking (kept outside)
75 magnolia tree
80 2x Summit camping stove (shed)
37 large metal bin black (kept outside)
740 2x Astoria Grand Metts Round 2 Person Bistro Set
25 folding chair (glasto in the garden)
440 2 weeks skip hire
Exercise
1199 water rower
400 bike (estimate)
400 Carrera bike given to someone whose own bike was stolen
249 Peak Design rucksack (asda romp)
140 Kathmandu transfer rucksack 38L
40 small longboard white
200 Osprey rucksack grey
400 stolen bike 1
400 stolen bike 2
400 Carrera hybrid bike (not stolen… yet)
45 kettlebells (assume set of 3 £15 ea.)
5 saw (for cutting down for sale signs) 400 2x Arbor prop longboards (£200 ea.)
Toys
100 CUDDLY TOY (Hamleys)
60 Lego flower bouquet
10 Jenga
350 Playstation (assumed 4)
0 small Star Wars figurines (safekeeping)
22 Scrabble
7 how to speak cat game
22 Jellycat amuseable toast soft toy
5 glowstick wristbands
0 wooden sleigh (taken from 'someone's driveway')
16 Tiveez 1000 Piece jigsaw puzzle - Amsterdam Sunset Bicycle
10 vintage Fisher Price chatter phone (current value)
20 62x Shopkins (put on birthday cake)
203 7x drawer full of Prowler 'old harolds' 100 Super Nintendo (estimate)
350 Xbox (estimate)
45 Lego bonsai tree
Pets
2200 content
150 puppy grooming package (£25 x 1pm x 6mo)
771 x-rays for Sophie (disabled kitten)
10 flappy fishy (for Cooper)
9 pet pooch boutique dog collar
20 hi viz dog harness
9 burger (lol) dog toy
10 ball thrower
Travel
250 Sleeper to Edinburgh last min on a Friday
309 3 nights at Eden Locke, Edinburgh
170 Last minute train home on a Monday morning
360 cafe 3x weekly for 6 months (£5 x 3pw x 6mo)
20 Sad Asda shop
28 hoppa shopping trolley
250 Groucho joining fee
1900 Groucho membership (£950 per year x 2 years)
250 Glastonbury 2014 ticket (approx)
200 Latitiude festival 2016 ticket
280 Cambridge folk fest x4 (approx £70 ea.)
240 Counting crows butter miracle tour at hammersmith eventim apollo 2022 spare VIP ticket (front row package estimate)
8000 16 weeks in a posh aparthotel, with a fully stocked minifridge (estimate £500pw)
522 100x cardboard moving boxes
5000 lost flat deposit
Food
65 13x Quality Street tubs (£5 ea.)
1 2x Swizzels Double Dips
10 KFC bucket with 'cola' and mint viennetta
3 2x Viennettas (mint and birthday cake)
5 Marmite truffle
5 Marmite dynamite chilli
150 Master of Malts advent calendar
8 Wilko Tenon Saw with Soft Grip Handle 250mm
Total £164,043
Canal Society for the Prevention of Jaccidents
Jack's behaviour, and the "advice" she gives others, demonstrate a total lack of concern for safety.
Fire safety
For someone who worked for the Fire Service and likes to pretend she was a firefighter, Jack displays a remarkably casual attitude to fire safety.
Bragged about turning her garden shed into a kitchen using a gas camping stove. Camping stoves should only be used outside, as carbon monoxide builds up quickly in an enclosed space. Also the shed was made of wood, and highly flammable.
Jack stated, and photos of her house showed, that there were locks at the tops of internal doors out of children's reach "to thwart burglars." This is dangerous as it hinders escape if there is a fire.
Advised burning hair clippings or lint inside a tin can instead of using candles.
Advocates that carrying a flaming pan of hot oil outside while holding it with a wet dishcloth is a good/fire service approved idea. NEVER do this. Place a damp NOT sopping wet tea towel over the top to smother the flames (or use a fire blanket, or the lid of the pan.) Risk of SEVERE burns and immolating your shitty bungalow using her method.
Microwaving stone fruits to ripen - explodey, doesn't work, could fuck up your microwave (microwave ripening fruits)
Her recipe for sprout scones would leave you with raw sprouts if cooked (painstakingly) by the instructions.
She demonstrates a reluctance to throw food away even if it is dried out or past its use by date. While it's good to be thrifty (not grifty), at some point you do have to throw it out for your own safety.
Has told squigs it's safe to eat mouldy food if they cut off the mouldy bits, or to eat mouldy yoghurt because "yoghurt is basically mould anyway." Any visible mould means there's lots more you can't see, and could make you seriously ill.
When Jack had a partnership with Currys to promote their air fryers, she shared recipes which included pouring liquid into the machine. The food writer we call Trifle Defender (TD) contacted Currys to ask them if this is safe and they confirmed it's a fire hazard.
She published a recipe for chicken liver spaghetti Bolognese with instructions to flash-fry the livers for 40 seconds each. This isn't enough and could result in food poisoning from undercooked liver.
Hanging kitchen knives pointing up. This is dangerous and professional chefs are told not to do it - if you drop the knife, your instinct is to try and catch it and you will cut your fingers quite badly.
From Grifty Kitchen:
Says to cut the top and bottom off a tuna tin and use them as egg rings. You would be left with razor sharp edges, metal filings, and debris. The plastic coated lining releases toxins and isn't suitable for cooking. Egg rings are unnecessary anyway, you don't need a perfectly round fried egg. Link
Says to reuse oil spray bottles and just fill them with oil and water. These bottles are single-use plastics; there is no effective way to sterilise them or remove all traces of rancid oil (botulism risk.) Spraying un-mixed oil and water (with no emulsifier) into a pan is a serious fire hazard.
Says to use a knife and hammer to open cans instead of using a can opener (extremely dangerous). Not even thrifty, as you'd be ruining a knife that probably costs more than a cheap can opener.
Says to freeze water inside a wine bottle if you don't have a rolling pin. The glass will expand when filled with ice, and likely break. An actual rolling pin can be bought very cheaply.
Says to fill a hot water bottle with cold water and freeze it to make an ice pack. This weakens the rubber and you risk burns if you try to put boiling water in it after that.
Suggests filling an old squash bottle with water from the tumble dryer, and storing it under the sink to clean floors with. You're advised not to do this if you have young children at home - they will try to eat / drink anything in food or drink containers, even if told not to. This "hack" also assumes you have a tumble dryer and can afford to run it regularly.
Child safety
Examples of dangerous behaviour around/involving children:
Giving her son marbles and small magnets for Christmas, when he was five and still young enough for it to be a choking hazard.
By the time he was eight, her list of house chores for him included using cleaning sprays and wipes. These can be quite potent and ideally, children should be supervised when using them - especially as Jack says that he has respiratory problems.
Jack posted pictures of herself at a family party and indicated that she had repeatedly jumped into a paddling pool when there were children using it. Unless the paddling pool was huge this is obviously dangerous.
Her recipe for "Sticky Brown Poo" was promoted with Aardman as part of a competition for children to make a Christmas pudding. The recipe included nuts, and she did not specify that the child would need adult help to steam the pudding in boiling water. If a child were watching by themselves they may think it would be safe to do without help.
She published a recipe for gnocchi on a parenting website, stating that they were suitable for babies. Gnocchi are a potential choking hazard, and not safe to give until the child is old enough to be able to chew thoroughly.
Oversharing online
Jack has frequently compromised her, and her son's, safety online:
Sharing SB's real name and photos of him on the internet. She stopped sharing photos when he became a pre-teen, but his name and baby pictures are still out there, along with enough personal information that strangers could track down her address.
Sharing a photo of an award SB received, including his full name, school, and class. We think Jack asked them to put a different surname on the certificate so she could post it - but that's still far too much information to be sharing online about him.
Tagging SB's father on his social media account which included his full name. This would make it easy for anyone to find him and his ex-wife and children, including SB.
She posted her home address on a public Facebook account to promote her famous garage sale back when The Poverty started. On another occasion she used Facebook to invite local parents for tea and cake at her house, and mentioned that she had a baby and what age he was. She shared her phone number for people to call her and ask for the address - anyone could have pretended to be a parent and found out where she lived.
Sharing a photo of her dog where her phone number could clearly be seen on the collar. Jack defended this by saying it was her work number; but it could still be used to track her down.
Giving out so much detailed information about her house that squigs easily found her address from a search of Rightmove.
While dating her now ex-boyfriend ("OH") she shared photos of her house and the surroundings, and a holiday rental where they stayed with his elderly parents. Again this left OH and his parents at risk of someone being able to find them.
Jack's Jobs
A list of jobs that Jack has allegedly had, over the years (in her own words / tweets):
Jack’s Jobs
Activist (non-specific)
Accountant
Ambassador for Oxfam (note: separate from ‘Involved with Oxfam’, and ‘Guest Blogger for Oxfam’ which predated Ambassadorship).
Author (non-specific)
Author: bestselling
Baker
Bar tender
Bar worker
Barista
Blogger (non-specific)
Blogger (breadline-specific)
Blogger (Guest: for Oxfam)
Blogger (humble food blogger-specific)
Blogger (political: in public gallery of local council meetings before ever scrawled a recipe)
Body Shop rep
Book reviewer
Brothel worker (may or may not be separate from sex worker (x2))
Burger flipper
Business woman
Call handler- Essex Fire and Rescue Service
Campaigner (food and nutrition-specific)
Campaigner (fronting a petition with Unite, The Trussell Trust and The Mirror-specific).
Campaigner (non-specific)
Campaigner (outspoken brand of visceral-specific)
Campaigner (poverty-specific)
Campaigner (transparency-specific)
Checkout operator
Chef
Chip shop worker (weekday-specific, first job)
Cleaner
Clothing warehouse worker
Cocktail waitress
Coffee, local art, folk music and cake shop worker (part time).
Columnist (non-specific)
Columnist (newspaper: non specific)
Commentator on food, politics and current affairs (TV and BBC radio: regular).
Control operator- Essex Fire and Rescue Service
Control room worker- Essex Fire and Rescue Service
Cook in a department store (Debenhams hotplate)
Craft business owner (Bread and Jam)
Creative director
Creator/Author of Twelve-week course for single mums at children’s centres.
Diarist
Educator
Errand Girl
Featurer in Sainsbury’s television campaign
Firefighter
Food blogger
Food consultant
Food stylist
Food writer
Full-time minimum wage worker (April 4, 2013)
Girls Brigade leader (Christian organisation similar to Girl Guides)
Guest house chambermaid
Guest house sheet-folder and tea-maker (job before first job)
Harvester worker (Griddle-specific: part of job, chicken)
Involved with Oxfam (non-specific)
Journalist (non-specific)
Journalist: local newspaper
Journalist: Political (contributor to Mirror, Independent and Guardian: regular).
Machinist
Marketing woman
Media manager
Nutritionist
“Odd job” worker
Patron of 9 charities
Pharmacy assistant
Photographer
Poet
Political activist
Political commentator
Political writer (non-specific, after The Poverty)
Political writer (in public gallery of local council meetings, before ever scrawled a recipe)
Potwasher
Publicist
PR (own)
PR (volunteer)
Public speaker
Radio show personality
Recipe developer
Reporter
Retail worker (Multiple entry level customer facing retail jobs).
Sales manager
Self-employed
Server on a supermarket cheese and ham counter (NOT a deli counter!)
Sex worker: pre-poverty
Sex worker: 2013
Shot girl at nightclub
Singer
Stand-in for Ruby Rose in the music video for "Lock Down" by Stooshe
Sunday school teacher
TV presenter (non-specific)
TV presenter (occasional hustles on the side-specific)
Waitress
Waitress (fast food industry-specific)
Waitress (Guest house breakfasts-specific)
Waitress (local restaurant owned by family friend-specific, first job-specific)
Wimpy table cleaner (Saturday-specific, also first job-specific)
Wimpy KP(?)
Writer (non-specific)
Writer (budget recipes-specific)
Writer (freelance-specific)
Writer (silly little blog that nobody read-specific)
Writer (some soup recipes-specific)
.....and Mom
Jack’s Very First Job
Waitress (local restaurant owned by family friend-specific) (see jobs: above)
Wimpy table cleaner (Saturday-specific) and at same time Chip shop worker (weekday-specific) (dittoi, above)
Jack’s Jobs Before First Jobs
Guest house sheet-folder and tea-maker (pay: £10) (dittoi dittoi above)
Jack’s Honorary Self-Appointments
Accidental economist
Accidental inflation analyst
Angry Bird
Evidence Giver: Invited. (Parliamentary inquiries, APGs, consultations, reports, investigatons, select committees and debates).
Face of Sainsbury’s (Paid)
In a Publicly Elected Post: Often Describes Self As. (because only here (wherever ‘here’ is) because of readers, commenters, retweeters, sharers).
Kitchen Goddess
Knower of the prices of everyday groceries (“Literally my job”).
Lender of name to causes and campaigns that chime with beliefs.
Lone person it’s down to “to go on national tv and tell a desperate nation I’m sorry, there’s not much else you can do”.
Offerer of band-aid temporary solutions to help people claw through a week here and there with no strings or conditions attached.
Person at the frontline of trying to help tackle food poverty in practical ways for the last ten years.
Sharer of Other People’s Stories (with permission). THE (capitalized: WARNED) literal expert on budget cooking
The Nation’s Home Economics Teacher (Sort of)
The Nation’s Home Economics Teacher (Actual)
Worker of 80 hours a week
Worker of 100 hours a week
Worker of 100+ hours a week
Worker of 120 hours a week
Jack’s Accidental Jobs
Accidental activist
Accidental economist (see ‘Honorary Self-Appointments’ above)
Accidental: Entire career trajectory (see all jobs since The Poverty)
Accidental inflation analyst (dittoi ‘Honorary Self-Appointments’ above)
Accidental food writer (dredged from desperation, paucity and despair)
Not Jack’s Jobs
Not actually a member of Parliament (although workload similar in places).
Not running for Parliament: though often asked (happy thrusting out petitions, rabble rousing, going on marches etc).
Not a television presenter (too coarse and unusual)
Not a charity, not an organization, no team, no staff (just one person on a freelance writer’s income)
Not a real Guardian columnist (Too Pretty to be one: told this because am woman in the public eye)
Jack Unfiltered?
Jack likes to post selfies that have been very heavily edited with filters/Facetune. She claims she doesn't do this and the resulting picture is just a result of good lighting or makeup. There are also some photos where she has seemingly used wigs or makeup to give a false impression. Judge for yourselves.
Looks good due to "telly makeup" ... and nothing else ... sure.
Boiler suit and shrunken head combo reminiscent of Beetlejuice. This was on Jack's Insta for years before she thought to remove it.
With bonus claw hand! Watch is a (likely expensive) mechanical one that Big Dave apparently gave her.
Abnormally long and narrow eye that doesn't match the other one.
Jack in a visit to OH's parents at Easter, again with a shrunken head effect.
Jack accidentally tweeted a screenshot showing that she was editing another selfie and had gone so far as to Facetune the sky. She subsequently posted the resulting image, only to delete it and replace it with a more obvious filter.
Jack's nose blending into her cheek.
Santa Jack!
Is it Facetune or just over-aggressive teeth bleaching?
Jack posted these photos on Twitter, saying that both were unedited and the only difference was that she had learned to do her makeup nicely. She was subsequently called out by adult model Ariel Anderssen, who pointed out that it was an obvious lie and Jack is encouraging poor body image among her followers. There was some confusion over whether Jack understands that portrait mode on an iPhone is a filter, however, it's apparent that she does use Facetune a lot.
No filters, just standing in the sunshine!
Filters less apparent but why is she using a "titty shot" to promote a blog post about poverty and injustice?
This was from Jack's ill-fated visit to Dordrecht with OH. From the angle of this picture, it was clearly taken with a phone on the table. If he was there, why couldn't he take a photo of her - unless, as we suspect, it was a business trip?
Jack tweeted this selfie of her crying to Rishi Sunak when he was Chancellor of the Exchequer saying she was part of the "Five Million Excluded" freelancers not covered by the "furlough" scheme in 2020. Five million is about the net worth of her then-fiancee Louisa.
Black eyes might be colloquially called "shiners" but they're not actually shiny. Did Jack use makeup on this?
Jack's haircut from her Turkish barber pal. Does she deliberately blur out her Tiffany earrings or is that just a side-effect of Facetune?
A week or so after the previous picture, Jack debuted this Wednesday Addams-inspired look, also heavily blurred by Facetune. She said she'd done the hairstyle herself with scissors and cheap box dye - clearly not true as her hair was considerably longer than it had been only a week ago.
Nose blurred out and the back of her head is a completely straight line
Jack posted this photo as "proof" that she doesn't get Botox. Not only does it not prove that (she's visibly had Botox before), but the lines were evidently drawn on with a cheap eye/lip pencil!
Ear mangled and blurry due to use of Facetune
The economist Tim Harford has published a book called The Truth Detective, explaining media literacy for children. It includes a chapter on Jack and how she supposedly proved the government was lying about the true rate of inflation. The accompanying illustration of Jack looks nothing like her but does look a little like some of her portrait mode selfies. Is that what the artist was copying from?
Although not selfies, these photos of Jack were used to promote her 2023 brand partnership with Currys. From the placement of shadows it's apparent the air fryer and food were poorly Photoshopped in!
Jack shared this post about "body positivity" but you can see where she's photoshopped her hip/thigh area and waist to look slimmer! (Not even done well - resulting in a strangely lumpy-looking arm)
Thumbs and right eye warped beyond all description. We really have no idea what she was trying to do here.
these on Twitter when tying to be a ~guru~ type.
- IYKYK 
and 
/ Owl and Champagne/ hooting and fizzing - laughing. Jack frequently described that some funny incident was causing her to be hooting and fizzing around the room.
THE END - from a tweet by Jack's friend/alleged sugar mama Linda Riley, complaining that an anonymous blogger criticising Jack was a coward because they did not write about her under their own identity.
GQ awards
