Jack Monroe #96 Not that nice

[Upthisweek]

Saw this during the night. Apologies for odd screen print I was on a PC.

 

[Pocahontas]

Congratulations to the wonderfully named @Traazers on your first thread title! 40 reactions I hope you are suitably outraged at all forms of pantaloon on a bird.

Recap of thread #95

1. She let off some steam. Hope she felt better getting that off her chest.
2. She went to do her shopping, no NOT the £20 yellow-sticker shop, she’s done with that charade for now. She’s the ‘only asshole that gets to weaponise [her] work for political means thankYOU’. No, Jack. Thank YOU.
3. She had another article published in The Guardian. I haven’t read it ... read one, read them all, know what I mean?
4. She reminded people of the peach curry. Why must this live on in any kind of collective conscience?
5. She did some tidying despite ‘a friend’ picking her up off the floor ‘twice in 24 hours this weekend’.
6. She’s a battering ram.
7. She lives in and seems to be maintaining Ms Monroe’s Wonder Emporium.
8. She’s protecting people from her ReCiPeS fOr ThE gReATeR gOoD.
9. Someone thinks setting up a crowdfund for copies of Tin Can Cook is great idea. Let them eat books, said no-one.
10. She reminded everyone of her granola recipe. But, like DON’T use it because you’ll be feeding into the Tory manifesto of letting families go hungry or whatever, just be reminded of it.
11. Bringing it back to the important things, she posted a video of her in bed with her Essex lion.
12. All she wants for Christmas is some new baking trays to replace her ten-year-old Poundland ones. Her charity shop Le Creuset’s still going strong.
13. She found her Big Orange Book of Songs and letters to SB. Felt cute might delete later.
14. Erm excuse me but she made ... not sure. An oyster?
15. The neighbours saw her with her ‘ass’ in the air and she really does care.
16. Polite request: when submitting ideas for the next thread title, please use the words ‘thread title’ so it’s easy to search. ThankYOU.
17. Now fuck off.
18. Spoiler: Jack for Dummies

    [*]
    For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):
    
    Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
    Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/
    
    Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.
    
    For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.
    
    *** JACKISMS ***
    
    Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:
    
    Yes, absolutely x
    
    Some other favourite Jack quotes:
    
    ‘Babe, same’
    
    ‘I did a chaos’
    
    ‘My maverick brain’
    
    ‘My sad little face’
    
    ‘I’m BUSY’
    
    ‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
    
    ‘I laughed up a lung’
    
    One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **
    
    To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).
    
    Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *
    
    Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)
    
    We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.
    
    During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.
    
    Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.
    
    Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.
    
    *Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*
    
    Also:
    

    • She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
    • She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
    • Her dad's a fucking LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
    • Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
    • Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
    • She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
    • During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
    • The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.

    [*][*][*]
    Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.
    
    We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.
    [*]

 

[emmer_moans]

Just a little antidote to the Jack posts ....

 

[lilamay]

 

[MancBee]

Saw this during the night. Apologies for odd screen print I was on a PC.

Accepting money from someone on UC, whilst at the same time "raging" about UC not being enough to live on. Disgusting, absolutely disgusting. She should (but won't) be ashamed of herself.

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

 

[BeautifulTrauma]

Guys, if you ever get a chance or able to find the story please read this thread on Twitter. This is what Jack COULD be doing instead of tweeting rehashed stories and her hidden songs. This poor family moved into permanent accommodation recently and the Mum was worried about feeding her two boys and a trust has stepped in to help. Cue hundreds of people offering carpets with fitting, flooring, toys, clothes, household furniture (not sure if it’s Cotswold Co) but the way people have came together has brought a tear to my eye.

And Jack just tweets weird threats about using her body of work and pictures of shit food. Levels.

 

[hodge_heg]

View attachment 291090
It’s so ‘media training’ when she uses first names.

I work for an energy company. Not gonna say which.

Yeah there's no way this happened if she was on a monthly billed meter. It's near impossible for a provider to isolate a house and cut it off. I've seen people thousands of pounds in debt with their energy company and still get supply. The only way to cut off a house's individual supply is go through the courts and that takes minimum six months and you'd better have bloody good reason. Debt isn't enough.

The only way she would be without gas or elec is if it was a prepay meter (top up with a key or a card) - and in that instance it would be really, *really* misleading to use a term like "cut-off". Because she'd just have run out of money on the meter and you'd just need to go to the corner shop with a one pound coin to get back on supply. And even then, energy companies have a duty to protect vulnerable members. Discretionary credit, emergency credit, a slow repayment rate of debt etc.

This really, really fucks me off. Energy companies won't just turn off a supply if a landlord asks, they can't even discuss a tenant's account with a landlord. Why on earth would a provider turn off a paying customer's supply just because a landlord asked anyway? It doesn't make sense. In fact, lol, most energy providers hate landlords and letting agencies because they make things so much more difficult to deal with.

Once again Jack has become so wrapped up in her Victorian workhouse past and said something that's so categorically, definitively bullshit that she's called out on it by an actual follower.

 

[ChickenPorridge]

Some of the contradictions are so intricate it's difficult to explain them. Anyone who has tried explaining JM to a partner or friend knows exactly what I mean!

Off the top of my head, the working 90 hour weeks/I've caught up on years worth of sleep lately
I'm a vegan/waxing lyrical about burgers, hotdogs, eggs, cheap wet ham
Rolling contract on her rental/fixed term contract
Hulk-esque upper body strength/very very weak and fragile
Hair is falling out and patchy/very visibly thick healthy hair
I can easily afford a disabled kitten or a dog/I'm very very poor and was not expecting these bills
I afforded trips on the Caledonian sleeper/a Smeg fridge after my partner left/ I have been very very poor since my partner left
I walk with a stick and am very weak/I hit 25k steps without leaving the house
I gave the KH money to charity/I bought a sofa and went on holiday with the KH money
I am a bestselling author and very successful in my career/ I make peanuts and am still very very poor despite my career
I go to bed at 8pm every night/tweets until 3am

I could go on all day, really

 

[HarderFaster]

Has anyone else had the ‘but why do you care? Just stop looking and ignore her’ conversation with their partner? I just had it and I’m exhausted trying to think of reasons not to.

I’ve converted my partner. He was very invested in kitten gate and now he hate-follows her and sometimes tells me about the shit she spouts.

This must be how Mormons feel when somebody actually does want to hear about the word of Jesus.

 

[crystaleyesd]

Yikes McYikes, Jack now being touted as exactly the sort of self-sufficient poor person we need by the fucking Telegraph arguing the case that Marcus Rashford should fuck off actually

 

[Silver Linings]

Fraus i’m busy and will forget, so i’m shamelessly abusing the new rules and parking my pirate ship to suggest for thread title JM #97 Get in the skip.

 

[Veronicaaa]

That's nice, thoughtful, and a lot more than poverty activist Jack would ever do.

 

[Silver Linings]

Fucks sake. So many annoying things. Snaffle. The light being on when she’s Frugal McFrugalton. The mop story again with SB’s Dad. And most annoyingly, embarrassing SB again!!

 

[Montrachet]

Weighing in at a notable 15kg per unit, with up to 4kg storage capacity per drawer... @Montrachet they might deserve an honourable mention next to the Cotswold Co tally

Great find, but I feel that the Cotswold Co. inventory should stand alone as a body of work as it is now so close to the metric tonne at 974.68kgs.

I feel I need to make a confession. I awoke early this morning to the stark realisation that I have been hoodwinking members of this esteemed Frauternity for too long. It dawned on me that I have a Mango wood sideboard, alongside a Cotswold Co. Wine Rack, below a Smeg branded product. I am so sorry, I cannot apologise enough. With my maverick design ideas such as laying bottles of wine in the wine rack, and not leaving the drawers and doors of the sideboard ajar, I know that I have let myself down and must ask for forgiveness. In my defence, I have spent many hours curled up in a ball, howling, roaring, sobbing, clawing at the floor. I will complete my thesis on Cotswold Co. addiction, and take my leave from all future investigative matters.

 

[colouredlines]

I too was looking for the words "sorry" or "I apologise", Jack.

We've seen you gloating about this incident in later interviews because you think it makes you look like a badass.

It really, really doesn't.

 

[jenny2603]

View attachment 290827

These people are fucking insane.

In 2003, I went to a Singalong Sound of Music event for a friend's birthday (we were not the coolest teens around). A lot of people dressed up, a few in Nazi outfits. But it was 2003! Times have changed FFS.

I hate these online witch hunts that have suddenly become a normal part of our culture. You know, I Iive in a country where real live actual Nazis regularly have protests doing fascist salutes, burning effigies of democratically elected politicians, and waving flags which the news coyly describes as "preconstitutional" (IT HAS A FUCKING GREAT BLACK FASCIST EAGLE ON IT). Friends of mine have been verbally abused, and in some cases threatened, for speaking their own language in public. Jack Monroe and her ludicrous followers need to get off Twitter and into the real world.

Yesterday it was reported that four migrants,including two children drowned in the channel whilst trying to reach the UK. All over Twitter you'll find some of the vilest excuses for humans imaginable treating the death of four human beings as a cause for celebration. Thank God Jack has taken the time to call out a tasteless fancy dress costume from 2003.

 

[TurnedUpInTipp]

Not insensitive to me! I was just curious about a change in the lingo

I've spent nearly my entire life being called 'son' or 'Sir'.
I was a 'Tom Boy' growing up.
Then when I came out, a very, very long time ago I was called 'Butch'.
Then I was told I wasn't 'that' any more and was probably 'Non-Binary', which to be perfectly honest, I don't really know what it means.
I'm an older person. Mrs TUIT and I have been together for a long time. Long enough that we have Grand Nephews and Nieces.
And I really, really don't want to cause offence by saying the wrong thing when it comes to the big list of LGBT letters.
I just really enjoy the quick wits and banter you lot have.

 

[LavaFlake]

Saw this during the night. Apologies for odd screen print I was on a PC.

She is a fucking disgrace. This is newsworthy material. Antipoverty campaigner disengeniusly taking money from low income families. Surely?!

 

[jenny2603]

Several already have. They say you could hear the screeching and wailing from Thorpe Bay the next town over.

*Would like to point out that this is how I found this article - I do not read the Torygraph

Brace yourself. "What the Torygraph fails to mention is the carnage, bloodshed and howling involved in making one of these "cheap meals". My shitty RENTED kitchen resembles the aftermath of a terrible war, where I alone must bear the agony of the slain knowing that will only make my crown of thorns dig deeper into my ouchy flesh. I do this because I must take the arrows fired at the poor and downtrodden every damn day by this government of ham. They don't mention the hours I must spend howling in a skip to summon up the strength to rustle up a simple Fishpaste and Ginger Snap Curry which I tear from my anguished soul with the brute force of a lion tearing a leg from a wounded bison. Where were the Telegraph when I was forced to mourn and howl in the hall cupboard with nothing but freshly torn chunks of astroturf to sustain me whilst SB cried "Bread and jam, Mama" and my soul shattered into a million pieces because I'd sold all the cutlery in a yard sale because I RENT. These haunted wardrobes and sentient hams know nothing of my wound, a throbbing, poisonous wound slighter larger than Wales but smaller than France. invisible to these monsters for only the pure of heart can see my scars. I do all this for others whilst my neighbours exchange tales of my raised ass and hiss at me to shut my legs. Get back to me when you've factored in THOSE costs"