Jack Monroe #104 Are you familiar with my tip jar?

[colouredlines]

I ranked the most common Jack personalities from worst to best.

GRIFTER JACK: The worst Jack, bar none. TBH it's hard to say anything funny about a rich person conning the poor. Habitat: knee-deep in the Asda bargain bin.

VICTIM JACK: Life is hard when you're a non-binary autistic alcoholic ouchy-mouthed arthritic tattooed vegan lesbian single mother 2nd generation immigrant with ADHD currently lying halfway under a train. Habitat: on top of any passing bandwagon.

PILE-ON JACK: #BeKind, you cunts. Habitat: the reading room of the British Library, vandalising David Walliams books.

ACTIVIST JACK: Changing the world, one dinosaur nap at a time. Not as actively harmful as Pile-On Jack, but three times as smug. Habitat: an undisclosed location in Whitehall, surrounded by political prisoners.

MANIC JACK: She's a singer! She's a Scot! She's a Trekkie! She loves dogs, wacky sandwich shapes, advent calendars and James Bond. And somehow, despite having more intense passions than a Jilly Cooper hero, she is still boring as fuck. Habitat: on the piano at the Groucho.

SHIT COOK JACK: The most harmlessly amusing Jack (unless you are her dinner guest, in which case call 111). Her experimental anchovy and pomegranate salad with American cheese slice sauce will leave you feeling like someone's been stroking your wrist. Habitat: inside a blender, on a sideboard.

FLOUNCING OFF TWITTER JACK: Silent Jack is the best Jack. Habitat: on a sofa, napping like a dinosaur. Or should that be a mink?

 

[MancBee]

Go on then, clean cupboards

 

[ChickenPorridge]

 

[traumatised sideboard]

I'm sorry I'm like this. Truly. Deeply. Ephemerally.

 

[Cactusflower]

Well I’m back from an epic grunka a BUSY week & have caught up as far as Thread 31 - well that was an interesting one . I don’t feel I want to go any further as I’m now in a happy place having watched Cack being firmly handed her arse on a plate by you articulate funny bunch of hausfraus.
I think she pranced onto here thinking it was Mumsnet & everyone would be starstruck and blow smoke up her arse like she’s used to & if they didn’t she could whine at the mods until they pulled the thread.
I’m more cynical than a lot of you lovely people, I believe she knew exactly what she was doing coming onto that thread as she does in 99.9% of her tweets. She wanted to manipulate people into backing off, it’s the same narrative it has been for the past 10years - “leave me alone I’m poorly & vulnerable without a penny to my name “. At some point particularly once you become a parent you have to take responsibility for own well-being.
Its not for other people to prop up or validate you and her relationships will continue to fail until she sorts her shit out. It’s really not very sexy having to parent a grown adult & I don’t blame Louisa for binning her, I blame her for enabling it for so long.
If Jack had any sense she’d buckle down, work hard (which she doesn’t m’lud she’s bone idle) & bank some money while she decides what she wants to do with the rest of her life.
I know I sound like a heartless bitch but she really gets my goat . I see people in clinic who’re dealing with real emotional & economic hardship & proper conditions that Dr google didn’t diagnose, they are polite,genuine & willing to engage (obviously not all before she pops up to correct me at my own job).
She’s a lazy middle class white woman who believes the world owes her a very comfortable living. She hates the plebs it’s obvious from her snippy responses to them as compared to anyone remotely famous.
I seemed to have rambled and said nothing of note but. Maverick innit fam grifters kiss

 

[Pocahontas]

Little pic in honour of the thread title winner and runner up. Showing us how it’s done:

 

[Alansbigplate]

And NINJA JACK*, moving silently and stealthily behind the scenes, working without recognition or reward for the greater good.
*Please note this version of Jack exists solely in the imagination

 

[Pocahontas]

Congratulations to another cheeky lil duo: the mostly lovely, sometimes #salty @LennyBriscoe for the words and @Scarletfever for nominating them 66 reactions!
Special mention to my buddle @Silver Linings who was a close second with: ‘Cause I’m just a cheese slice dirtbag, baby.

Recap of thread #103

1. She exceeded her rate limit on Twitter. Quelle surprise.
2. She has form in not posting things out. Plus ca change.
3. She makes her own sandwich spread for SB’s packed lunches. She uses smart price mayo for this, rather than the tray of Hellmann’s she has in her stockpile.
4. All hail her beetroot-dyed cooking water pasta and one of @Alansbigplate best gifs.
5. She’s such a workaholic.
6. She’s had enough of Amazon, so will be removing all of her aff links to that particular hellsite and is now a member of bookshop.org.
7. Kirsty Strickland tweeted about an article on ‘compassionate people being exploited and rinsed for cash’. Did a certain Southend resident twitch her tip jar out of sight?
8. She pulled an ‘all nighter’ ‘staring into the dark’ and at the same time also working.
9. She got ‘yelled at’ in the post office trying to ‘mail’ parcels. Sure, Jack.
10. She reached a new low in cheese sauce ‘game changers’. The feedback was not positive.
11. Jack’s secret is to ‘fiddle with it until til something good happens’. Meanwhile, people are eating raw blended flour at her suggestion and feeling sick.
12. Citizens of the world, please breathe out a collective sigh of relief. She birthed the splinter (no thirty hours of silence this time).
13. Ever ‘on duty’, in the early hours of the morning, she waded in to ‘not nitpick’ an article about ‘Why the poor eat poorly’ (Lots of her recipes do serve four).
14. Lockdown Larder seems to have ended with a whimper.
15. She has a dehydrator. Makes sense.
16. @blurstoftimes found a previously un-listened to podcast, recorded in March at a time when Lockdown Larder was going ‘nuts’, literally sweeping the nation, it was.
17. Hmmm.
18. Eggs, glorious duck eggs. The price has dropped from £2.40 to 40p. Talk about reverse inflation! #jackception
19. Spoiler: Jack for Dummies

    [*]
    For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):
    
    Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
    Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/
    
    Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.
    
    For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.
    
    *** JACKISMS ***
    
    Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:
    
    Yes, absolutely x
    
    Some other favourite Jack quotes:
    
    ‘Babe, same’
    
    ‘I did a chaos’
    
    ‘My maverick brain’
    
    ‘My sad little face’
    
    ‘I’m BUSY’
    
    ‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
    
    ‘I laughed up a lung’
    
    One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **
    
    To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).
    
    Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *
    
    Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)
    
    We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.
    
    During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.
    
    Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.
    
    Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.
    
    *Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*
    
    Also:
    

    • She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
    • She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
    • Her dad's a fucking LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
    • Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
    • Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
    • She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
    • During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
    • The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.

    [*][*][*]
    Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.
    
    We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.
    
    

    • Lastly, but importantly, when submitting ideas for the next thread title, please use the words ‘thread title’, as it makes it easier to search. Just using the number won’t be enough. We also can’t have swears in the title, and try to hold off until around p. 40 for your suggestions, if possible. ThankYOU.

    [*][*][*][*]

 

[Alansbigplate]

How about Cor Blimey Guv’nor working class urchin Jack?

 

[hydeist]

While investigating what "tragedy mash" might be, I discovered the following, which requires no further comment.

 

[Alansbigplate]

TALKING HEAD

 

[spirals]

From my screenshot library for those who missed these works of art the first time

 

[Alansbigplate]

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

On Kirsty’s point - obvs agree with her completely. It’s really reminiscent of the whole influencer problem, a lot of women (and women because it’s always targeted at us!) don’t really realise how much of what they’re seeing is ad content, the mechanism isn’t v clear especially when compared to traditional marketing (tv ads, billboards, etc). The ASA’s regulations have gone some way to fixing that, but there’s still SO much work to be done in that sphere.

This is sort of a new wave? This new thing that has come to be about paying creatives for their time, it’s a lovely idea and wholly valid in the realm of working for exposure & endless unpaid internships in creative fields, does it make sense for the established media personality however...? Kirsty said how it’s not really fair when the person already has a huge profile and I do agree, also v interesting point on it being through PayPal so the back channels.

The problem is people don’t know just how much info is out there that they can equip themselves with. People act like we’re creepy for going on companies house beta, but this is a publicly available source of info? And it shows you she’s very fucking well off? Likewise her Patreon sub count, even taking the lower estimate of this she’s on a fair whack? But then I think of most the people I know & wonder if they’d ever have the time or inclination to do this research and the answer is... no, sadly not, even though we’re “digital natives” what hope would an older member of my family have at disentangling all of this?! There should be safeguards put in place, it feels like PayPal need to clamp down on tipping culture tbh. (ETA only saying older not in a patronising way but someone who is less au fait with tech which tbh is wrong to correlate with age, my youngest brother would fall into this category too he struggles to use websites much less smart phones for various reasons)

Sorry for essay x

 

[Alansbigplate]

 

[Alansbigplate]

David Brent

 

[Scarletfever]

I ranked the most common Jack personalities from worst to best.

GRIFTER JACK: The worst Jack, bar none. TBH it's hard to say anything funny about a rich person conning the poor. Habitat: knee-deep in the Asda bargain bin.

VICTIM JACK: Life is hard when you're a non-binary autistic alcoholic ouchy-mouthed arthritic tattooed vegan lesbian single mother 2nd generation immigrant with ADHD currently lying halfway under a train. Habitat: on top of any passing bandwagon.

PILE-ON JACK: #BeKind, you cunts. Habitat: the reading room of the British Library, vandalising David Walliams books.

ACTIVIST JACK: Changing the world, one dinosaur nap at a time. Not as actively harmful as Pile-On Jack, but three times as smug. Habitat: an undisclosed location in Whitehall, surrounded by political prisoners.

MANIC JACK: She's a singer! She's a Scot! She's a Trekkie! She loves dogs, wacky sandwich shapes, advent calendars and James Bond. And somehow, despite having more intense passions than a Jilly Cooper hero, she is still boring as fuck. Habitat: on the piano at the Groucho.

SHIT COOK JACK: The most harmlessly amusing Jack (unless you are her dinner guest, in which case call 111). Her experimental anchovy and pomegranate salad with American cheese slice sauce will leave you feeling like someone's been stroking your wrist. Habitat: inside a blender, on a sideboard.

FLOUNCING OFF TWITTER JACK: Silent Jack is the best Jack. Habitat: on a sofa, napping like a dinosaur. Or should that be a mink?

Posh Jack! Rigby and Peller bras, London dinner parties, eau de Nil, Groucho Club membership, six radios, flower deliveries, John Lewis hammock

Habitat: endlessly tagging blue tickers on Twitter.

 

[Nottonightbabe]

Imagine being so poor you can't afford butter but can buy sweets and chocolate for lots of internet strangers and the price of postage to send it to them. Imagine being so busy but still having the time to do this shit. Imagine being so environmentally friendly that you think this is a good idea at all. But hey, as long as at least one squiggle publically tells her she's the kindest person on twitter, it's all been worth it! Cringe Jack, you need a weekend hobby like now

Imagine claiming that money is so tight you regularly feed your child one of the cheapest, lowest quality meat products sold in a supermarket. Yet spend ££ sending branded goodies to Twitter strangers to get praise and attention. Imagine putting the needs of your ego before the needs of your child. For a raging narc, it's no bother at all...

 

[ChickenPorridge]

I never donated to her tip jar, but I did buy a book in support for what seemed like a small time gal just working for a brilliant cause. I'm not even ashamed to admit that I once responded to one of her 'I'm really down. If I've ever done something good please tell me or I don't know what I'll do' posts, because I consider myself a nice person who would hate for anybody to be in that state. It was very shortly after this incident I started putting two and two together. I consider myself fairly sharp and critical, and she had me going for quite a while. Just imagine somebody less so!

 

[Fitnessqueen]

This may have been posted before but Kirsty is on fiyaaah with her retweets...