Jack Monroe #104 Are you familiar with my tip jar?

[Minky McMoneypenny]

I just can't get over the fact that SB's favourite sandwich is a £1.30 (and that's full price) ham sarnie from Tesco. She bought him a yellow stickered one 'as a treat', but is sending strangers stuff through the post. This really is bizarre behaviour and it's as if the squiggles' memories are erased each night whilst they sleep.
No one dares say "Jack, why don't you just donate them (without fanfare) to the foodbank?" because she'd snipe back that she's entitled to do what she wants and "thank-you-very-much-for-ruining-my-lovely-day".
It's the love-bombing of the total narc, isn't it! Those already hooked in are being left to dangle, too afraid to ask where their cards are, when they'll get some crumbs of attention from the 'star'.

 

[MancBee]

But wouldn't this be work?

I am sure it is, but that makes a complete mockery of her being in Jack's bubble.

A bubble is supposed to enable vulnerable single people, living alone, to get support. Someone to call in and make sure you are ok.

A bubble is not so that you can have your mate around for a weekend in the hope that you can rekindle your relationship.

 

[Alansbigplate]

How on earth has BB managed to have a successful career whilst being so stupid....

Ah that's right, IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

Where's Jimmy nail when you need him

 

[HarderFaster]

CHRISTMAS LIST by Jack Monroe, aged 32 and three quarters

SB, beloved flesh blood and ruiner of abdominal muscles - a biscuit (remember to take a bite of it), some cooking bacon and a yellow stickered ham sandwich. NB ask his dad to pick up some stale Greggs items for his stocking.

BB, ex-fiancée and hapless paypig - further ritual humiliation and the privilege of sharing a sense of humour with me, the funniest person in the world

ME - books, designer clothes, Cotswold furniture, a padded seat for the water rower all paid for my beloved fans who probably OWN THEIR OWN HOMES and everything!

Twitter randoms fortunate enough to be online at same time as me - whatever they want from me, the bountiful and beatific Jack Monroe, giver of FREE, PERFECTLY TESTED recipes, branded chocolate bars and jars of yeast spread.

Santa, Mom, I’ve been ever ever so good this year. Please get me a TV show where I can tell my unheard story of woe again and again. Maybe a Hairy Bikers kind of show but I’m cooking from Auschwitz because after all, at least those slain by the Nazis still had lightbulbs but I had to unscrew mine all those years ago.

Thankyou fam,
From the shitty, freezing bungalow with the tropical kitchen,
Jack xxx

 

[PoorPatrol]

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This has really triggered me!! She’s such a textbook fucking narcissist, it’s unreal! Mentioning the brother (in the context of her good deeds), who she is NC with, really bothers me. My Narc does this. Despite me going no contact years ago, they like to mention me to mutual, without any background info, but to make themselves look good. I might bump into someone I haven’t seen in years, and they’ll say something like ‘oh, yeah! Your cuntbag person told me you were doing really well with that career move/academic/whatever’. I’ll be like ermmm I’m NC with them because they’re a narcissistic soul sucking demon, so it’s nice to know they’re keeping up with me and using my achievements to show off. She’s using the brother for multiple narc reasons here: showing her good side (the sending), military (round the edges), talking about herself (always always alwaysssss). I think I need a bloody lie down.
Sorry dear heart Silver. As our intrepid Twitter messenger, you get the brunt of the rage, you must shudder when you get a notification that you’ve been quoted

 

[ChickenPorridge]

Why's she always saying her and SB cook on the weekends or they have X on the weekends when she's admitted recently he's with his dad at the weekends. Swear to almighty gawd I'm sick of this woman's shit. It's constant and exhausting. The small lies are worse than the big ones

 

[Silver Linings]

Thread title suggestion for #104.

 

[Scarletfever]

Fuck the food banks.

Fuck people going hungry on her doorstep.

The cost of sending that one jar of marmite abroad could feed someone for a few days.

But I forgot Lady Bountiful pays her rent with twitter likes.

Those royalty cheques are coming more and more often, eh?

 

[Boyo]

Morning all. With all the refs to #31 here recently, I went back for a recap, just for old times sake. Omfg, still just sooo funny. The simmering rage, the contradictions, the ‘piss and a sandwich‘.
There was also the post below by a member and ain‘t it funny that even now, all this time later, it’s still so, so applicable:
“Jack, i've got a pizza baze.. some pizza sauce.. some mozzarella and some pepperoni, could you recommend me a curry recipe?”

 

[LennyBriscoe]

My first ever thread title! I feel so proud....and so glad nobody had the AUDACITY to suggest a better one

 

[CausticYoda]

Christ, just buy a fucking loaf and a packet of decent ham and give him a fresh sandwich for his lunchbox each day.

 

[FrumpyCat]

I ranked the most common Jack personalities from worst to best.

GRIFTER JACK: The worst Jack, bar none. TBH it's hard to say anything funny about a rich person conning the poor. Habitat: knee-deep in the Asda bargain bin.

VICTIM JACK: Life is hard when you're a non-binary autistic alcoholic ouchy-mouthed arthritic tattooed vegan lesbian single mother 2nd generation immigrant with ADHD currently lying halfway under a train. Habitat: on top of any passing bandwagon.

PILE-ON JACK: #BeKind, you cunts. Habitat: the reading room of the British Library, vandalising David Walliams books.

ACTIVIST JACK: Changing the world, one dinosaur nap at a time. Not as actively harmful as Pile-On Jack, but three times as smug. Habitat: an undisclosed location in Whitehall, surrounded by political prisoners.

MANIC JACK: She's a singer! She's a Scot! She's a Trekkie! She loves dogs, wacky sandwich shapes, advent calendars and James Bond. And somehow, despite having more intense passions than a Jilly Cooper hero, she is still boring as fuck. Habitat: on the piano at the Groucho.

SHIT COOK JACK: The most harmlessly amusing Jack (unless you are her dinner guest, in which case call 111). Her experimental anchovy and pomegranate salad with American cheese slice sauce will leave you feeling like someone's been stroking your wrist. Habitat: inside a blender, on a sideboard.

FLOUNCING OFF TWITTER JACK: Silent Jack is the best Jack. Habitat: on a sofa, napping like a dinosaur. Or should that be a mink?

may I add SAD JACK hasn't left her bed for 72 hours, whilst simultaneously working a 21 hour day, doing the school run, and valiantly working behind the scenes for political prisioners. But what reward does she get for it?

And she RENTS.

Habitat, on the floor, gnashing, clawing and wailing Ilke a banshee.

 

[Fitnessqueen]

Jack this morning vs Jack this evening

 

[Alansbigplate]

the episode of friends where Chandler helps Joey with his eyebrow situation was on earlier and I couldn't help but think that thin-eyebrowed Joey looks like a ready-made reface of Jack on Joey.

this pic does not do it justice and I've probably gone mad.

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[Alansbigplate]

Vlad knows what she's been up to...
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[Lyraboop]

Kirsty Strickland has retweeted Marina O'Loughlin expressing her disgust for the use of "doggos"etc. Looks like another blue ticker sticking the boot in!

 

[BashmentLady]

Oh the temptation to reply

Is this a Jack Monroe Vegan[ish] packed lunch for SB?

 

[Thank(space)you]

the slop thickens.

Reposting this as a thread title suggestion now it's a more appropriate time in the thread

 

[BashmentLady]

Alan, every reface you do looks like Blanche from Corrie. Please do Blanche if you can, I’m not sure there will be much difference! X

I beg to differ.

 

[Jelly Bean]

That poetry (and Jack's) are pure Adrian Mole. 'Pandora, I adore ya'.
(As an aside I was reading 'Adrian Mole and the Weapons of Mass Destruction' written in 2004 and I'm convinced Sue Townsend foresaw Covid:
Tuesday January 21st
'I have been very ill for the past five days. At one point it was touch and go whether I would be admitted to hospital with a severe upper respiratory infection.... Nigel and Brain-box Henderson have been laid low by the virus, which is suspected to have originated in Indonesia from intensive prawn breeding. Globalisation is a double-edged sword'.)