Jack Monroe #104 Are you familiar with my tip jar?

[Ellabella]

What does "smol" even mean?

 

[Shesaidwhat?]

Blue Tickers don't like your Yellow Stickers.. Now duck off!

*Thread 105 title klaxon*

 

[Cuileann]

I ranked the most common Jack personalities from worst to best.

GRIFTER JACK: The worst Jack, bar none. TBH it's hard to say anything funny about a rich person conning the poor. Habitat: knee-deep in the Asda bargain bin.

VICTIM JACK: Life is hard when you're a non-binary autistic alcoholic ouchy-mouthed arthritic tattooed vegan lesbian single mother 2nd generation immigrant with ADHD currently lying halfway under a train. Habitat: on top of any passing bandwagon.

PILE-ON JACK: #BeKind, you cunts. Habitat: the reading room of the British Library, vandalising David Walliams books.

ACTIVIST JACK: Changing the world, one dinosaur nap at a time. Not as actively harmful as Pile-On Jack, but three times as smug. Habitat: an undisclosed location in Whitehall, surrounded by political prisoners.

MANIC JACK: She's a singer! She's a Scot! She's a Trekkie! She loves dogs, wacky sandwich shapes, advent calendars and James Bond. And somehow, despite having more intense passions than a Jilly Cooper hero, she is still boring as duck. Habitat: on the piano at the Groucho.

tit COOK JACK: The most harmlessly amusing Jack (unless you are her dinner guest, in which case call 111). Her experimental anchovy and pomegranate salad with American cheese slice sauce will leave you feeling like someone's been stroking your wrist. Habitat: inside a blender, on a sideboard.

FLOUNCING OFF TWITTER JACK: Silent Jack is the best Jack. Habitat: on a sofa, napping like a dinosaur. Or should that be a mink?

This has absolutely and without question made my evening. My favourite is Manic Jack.

 

[Scarletfever]

I ranked the most common Jack personalities from worst to best.

GRIFTER JACK: The worst Jack, bar none. TBH it's hard to say anything funny about a rich person conning the poor. Habitat: knee-deep in the Asda bargain bin.

VICTIM JACK: Life is hard when you're a non-binary autistic alcoholic ouchy-mouthed arthritic tattooed vegan lesbian single mother 2nd generation immigrant with ADHD currently lying halfway under a train. Habitat: on top of any passing bandwagon.

PILE-ON JACK: #BeKind, you cunts. Habitat: the reading room of the British Library, vandalising David Walliams books.

ACTIVIST JACK: Changing the world, one dinosaur nap at a time. Not as actively harmful as Pile-On Jack, but three times as smug. Habitat: an undisclosed location in Whitehall, surrounded by political prisoners.

MANIC JACK: She's a singer! She's a Scot! She's a Trekkie! She loves dogs, wacky sandwich shapes, advent calendars and James Bond. And somehow, despite having more intense passions than a Jilly Cooper hero, she is still boring as duck. Habitat: on the piano at the Groucho.

tit COOK JACK: The most harmlessly amusing Jack (unless you are her dinner guest, in which case call 111). Her experimental anchovy and pomegranate salad with American cheese slice sauce will leave you feeling like someone's been stroking your wrist. Habitat: inside a blender, on a sideboard.

FLOUNCING OFF TWITTER JACK: Silent Jack is the best Jack. Habitat: on a sofa, napping like a dinosaur. Or should that be a mink?

Posh Jack! Rigby and Peller bras, London dinner parties, eau de Nil, Groucho Club membership, six radios, flower deliveries, John Lewis hammock

Habitat: endlessly tagging blue tickers on Twitter.

 

[TurnedUpInTipp]

Have we had ON THE PULL JACK?
Make some sort of cheesy pasta dish and expect a bunk up.

 

[Shesaidwhat?]

We forgot shouting at Jude Law Jack

 

[kachoochoo]

this tops last night's julie andrews for sinister perfectionism! brava alan!

 

[TurnedUpInTipp]

We forgot shouting at Jude Law Jack

The JACK ATTACK!

 

[Alansbigplate]

How about Cor Blimey Guv’nor working class urchin Jack?

 

[traumatised sideboard]

That is a tiny portion for her main meal of the day. I have no idea of the calorie content, but I doubt it would be enough for someone who is as active as our Jack (tongue firmly in cheek).

Dear heart, she's in the cutting phase of her pescetarian bodybuilding OBVIOUSLY. (For anybody not familiar with bodybuilding, bodybuilders are normally in either a bulk or a cut phase - during the bulk they are in a calorie surplus to build as much muscle as possible when they train, during the cut they are in a calorie deficit to shave off body fat while retaining as much lean mass as possible)

I don't know if she genuinely eats such small portions but that seems dangerously small to me. Or maybe she thinks tiny portions makes it fancy, like when you spend £15 on a thimbleful of nettle and goat's tears soup for a starter at a Michelin-starred restaurant.

 

[Blurp]

So did I! I admit to smol (cat related), danger noodle and longboi. But never holibobs. Never ever.

A friend has a murder muffin (mad kitten).

 

[ChickenPorridge]

Dear heart, she's in the cutting phase of her pescetarian bodybuilding OBVIOUSLY. (For anybody not familiar with bodybuilding, bodybuilders are normally in either a bulk or a cut phase - during the bulk they are in a calorie surplus to build as much muscle as possible when they train, during the cut they are in a calorie deficit to shave off body fat while retaining as much lean mass as possible)

I don't know if she genuinely eats such small portions but that seems dangerously small to me. Or maybe she thinks tiny portions makes it fancy, like when you spend £15 on a thimbleful of nettle and goat's tears soup for a starter at a Michelin-starred restaurant.

I don't believe she eats it at all, any of it. That duck egg would've been stone cold by the time she finished farting around taking pics of it. Cold runny duck egg and pomegranate, blergh

 

[Duckypoo]

Is she being very quiet tonight? Sulking over the universal dislike for doggo

 

[Alansbigplate]

Where is bubble buddy? She was manically tweeting about her and now crickets

 

[ScamSandwich]

So did I! I admit to smol (cat related), danger noodle and longboi. But never holibobs. Never ever.

I had too look up nearly every second word...When Jacko first used 'fam', I thought it meant 'famine'... but a FOREIGNER like me is excused.
'Holibobs' had me screaming. I am so glad nobody ever said that to me in real life, I could have not supressed my laughter. Sounds like a hybrid of children's sweets and boobs.

 

[ChickenPorridge]

What about Fangirl Jack. Last seen when Taylor Swift dropped her new album and was trending on Twitter. Jack having never previously mentioned her before - or since - was the world's number 1 Swifty for a day or two

 

[TurnedUpInTipp]

Where is bubble buddy? She was manically tweeting about her and now crickets

Bubble Buddy is now in a work bubble with Krish-Mate chatting about how she's made a terrible mistake, the food is horrific and she's like a Labrador with money. Whatever you give her just isn't enough.

I had too look up nearly every second word...When Jacko first used 'fam', I thought it meant 'famine'... but a FOREIGNER like me is excused.
'Holibobs' had me screaming. I am so glad nobody ever said that to me in real life, I could have not surpressed my laughter. Sounds like a hybrid of children's sweets and boobs.

"Holibobs, Oh, they're the Sugar-tits you take on holiday!"
I'm telling this to the next person who doesn't understand the term.

 

[Alansbigplate]

What about Fangirl Jack. Last seen when Taylor Swift dropped her new album and was trending on Twitter. Jack having never previously mentioned her before - or since - was the world's number 1 Swifty for a day or two

Remember when she was the biggest fan of Patsy Kline famous for singing Rose Garden

 

[BashmentLady]

Oh the temptation to reply

Is this a Jack Monroe Vegan[ish] packed lunch for SB?

 

[AmTellinYa]

View attachment 308533

Yes absolutely squiggle. Blend them to a soft soft soft pillowy slop with some ~fullfatmilk~ and then throw them in a curry x