Jack Monroe #75 Peekaboo

[Brian Butterfield]

Is there a way to know how many people/individual accounts view Jack’s threads?

I’m so curious to know if we have more lurkers on top of the regular posters and how many of us there are. Really wish I could do a head count.

Like if you lurk!

 

[Pocahontas]

Congratulations to @Silver Linings for the thread title! A hearty 67 reactions! I couldn’t be more proud of my pirate wife. Expect a moonlight sonata on the lake tonight, dearest heart.
Ahem! Here is the recap. It’s hhhhnnnnggggg long. Today has been off the charts.


Recap of thread #74

1. Praise beans, Jack Monroe is alive and well! It’s possible that she’s been living quite happily in the fire swamp / Upside Down for some time now, indulging her propensity for tweeting with her sausage hands.
2. Or, are they ... mink paws? Who can say, but this Peeky Mink certainly likes Ocado, M&S, has a writing deadline to meet, but still time to dig out their trusty copy of one of the bootstrap recipe books and procrastinate while baking a POTATO.
3. Or, perhaps we’re being too suspicious and Mink is not who we think she is? As was quickly stated in her new bio. Oh, ok then, whatever you say, Mink. What’s your hometown of Edinburgh like? I hear there’s a phenomenal Five Guys (not a chain).
4. Minky then seemingly suffered with tweet remorse as she went on a deleting spree, locked their account (sound familiar?) and unliked complimentary posts about Jack Monroe. Poor Jack. When’s she ever gonna catch a break?
5. Peeky Mink follows Sali Hughes, That Man and Thrifty Lesley. And is followed by Louisa and a family member. All together now: lol.
6. Massive deposit of Vlad-funded bitcoin to today’s detective @Veronicaaa. See her initial discovery here.
7. And tech extraordinaire @heretoreaditall2019 who caught Peeky Mink’s Twitter feed run (?) here. All-expenses paid trip to the palace for you.
8. I wonder if Peeky Mink is good at writing books and keeping to imminent deadlines? Someone sure needs to be.
9. Cartoon capture of Peeky Mink (for safety attached. Screenshot credit @Chip1984).
10. But then Jack (the real Jack) came back to warn of a user on Twitter who is ‘obsessively hounding and bullying’ her under a fake profile (which mocks her name and phraseology). The white sauce thickens.
11. Real Jack decided to put their feet under the table and broadcast a panic tweet about empty toilet roll and pasta shelves in Asda (not M&S). Talk about putting out fires with gasoline (she was accused of making things worse). It’s not HER mess, talking-sense person, now get to absolute fuck.
12. She then claimed she was back on a very strict grocery budget ‘for various reasons’, complete with pics of her Asda haul. She’s going to be recipe blogging again. Oh, great (or, should I say ‘grate’).
13. Apparently this gives her purpose, and she does it well, and it helps others. Okay? Now fuck off.
14. She ‘solemnly swears’ to be on call for a daily lockdown larder. She’ll have her ‘fastest fingers and finking cap’. ‘Jack, Jack - I have a raw egg, a tin of marrow fat peas and a chicken’s foot (singular). HALP.’
15. Is today Sunday? Not sure, but at least I finally got dressed.

As always, please add any recap points that I have missed!

Spoiler: Jack for Dummies

For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):

Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/

Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.

For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.

*** JACKISMS ***

Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:

Yes, absolutely x

Some other favourite Jack quotes:

‘Babe, same’

‘I did a chaos’

‘My maverick brain’

‘My sad little face’

‘I’m BUSY’

‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’

‘I laughed up a lung’

One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **

To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).

Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *

Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)

We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.

During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.

Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.

Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.

*Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*

Also:

• She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
• She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
• Her dad's a fucking LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
• Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
• Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
• She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
• During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
• The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.

Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.

We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.

 

[TurnedUpInTipp]

Good Morning.. Un-lurking and outing myself.
I found you all after googling, 'Jack Monroe fake black eye' because the moment I saw that my, 'get ta fuck!' gene kicked in.
It had been flickering for a while. Little inconsistencies I'd been ignoring but not forgetting.
But the black eye lit it up.
It bothered me so much that I screenshot the photo and sent it to my sister, the absolute Queen of make-up and my niece who works in A&E.
The sister responded with, "That's the Bobby Brown palette by Estée Lauder.." and the niece replied, "Classic ACOPIA.."
We discussed her other medical issues and came up with the highly scientific diagnosis of, "More ailments than a hospital piss pot and Fybro-LIE-algia.."
Anyway, I'll slink back off into Lurk-dom, but thanks for being here Fraus. Now, get absolutely fucked. xx

 

[Ellabella]

 

[MarmiteExtract]

I was interested to see she even has another book lined up after this one - that she is definitely writing and will surely materialise on time - which got me thinking about other books she is qualified to write. Anyone else got any suggestions?

For her upcoming autobiography:

Memoirs of a Geisha mink with an ouchy mouth

(ETA this is all fiction, m'lud — the cover, the Matt Haig quote and, presumably, the contents within)

 

[Alansbigplate]

 

[Bumbear]

Evening frauen - longtime lurker de-lurking here...

A light backstory for fear of triangulation: it was mid-March 2020 and I had just had my winter sports holiday ruined by a lockdown in a certain european country, which resulted in me being on an emergency repatriation (stressful) train back to the UK. Upon my return, I discovered that due to covid, I had also lost all of my client work (stressful). End result - I spent quite a chunk of early lockdown in my pajamas eating cheese and drinking beer (only once the sun was past the yard-arm) feeling v miserable & anxious, whilst bingeing on Netflix and exploring Tattle.

I remember the day I found the JM thread vividly, it was Friday 20 March and whilst watching back-to-back episodes of Tiger King, I ventured out of the Instagramers section and into 'Influencers'. I had vaguely heard of JM from the interwebs, but I don't read the Guardian and I'm not a follower of Hopkins, so I kind of just knew her name.

I started reading Thread 1...at this point it was up to page 17...I'm a fast reader so I quickly got through that in between pondering the whereabouts of Carole Baskin's husband...and then the rest is history is it not?!

Every morning from then, I woke up and checked in on the JM thread - I was there in real-time for Jack's arrival on Thread 31. It was a v hot day and I sat with a beer under the umbrella in my back garden, pretty much incredulous (I loved it when she @Yel a photo).

Little did I know back in March that I'd never have to Grunka, because it took me until August to secure new client work (I'm a freelancer - I could tell you some things about how those accounts work, but I might be triangulated). So I guess I want to say THANK YOU FRAUEN for perking me up every day, especially when I was feeling shit and anxious and thought I'd never work again.

And here we are now on #75 and I've been with you for every single one! I don't have loads of things to say that haven't really been said - I wasn't a fan, I just was interested in the story...and still it continues. Ironically as I'm now back at work, I am having to grunka every evening and I'm missing reading the Food & Drink thread as I just can't keep up!

Love to you all...you've given me a lot of laughs when times have been low...

 

[traumatised sideboard]

Just caught up on the past twenty four hours, what a (chemical) rollercoaster. It must have been quite the scene in the shitty bungalow once she realised she'd been rumbled, furiously refreshing on here and her multiple twitter accounts with her Smart Price sausage fingers, going from phone to phone to phone trying to cover her tracks, wailing like a banshee and cursing @Veronicaaa in her adenoidal whine.

I was interested to see she even has another book lined up after this one - that she is definitely writing and will surely materialise on time - which got me thinking about other books she is qualified to write. Anyone else got any suggestions?

 

[UnderTheRadar]

My clipboard is ready!

The cabal is very welcoming. The more the merrier.

Reveal thy selves xxxxx

Dearest Frauen,

I am mainly a lurker, I initially discovered this wonderful site when I saw Aliceinwanderlust in the news and could not wait to find out all the goss with the SODs! It was eye opening to say the least! Then when those dorks decided to pipe down I saw that the Jack Monroe thread was LIT so I started to follow at thread 29. I have spent the latter part of my pregnancy with you legends laughing (and crying) along with the top notch banter.
It has been especially lovely to hear of other Fraus giving birth along the way. @heretoreaditall2019 special thanks to you for sharing your journey you have no idea how much you have put my mind at rest, and a big congrats on your lovely bundle!
I’ve been following the threads in real time whilst trying to Grunka through 1-28, I’m currently on #11 and it’s so exciting, Jack has made the shed but Hellman’s has not been announced yet and I can’t wait to read your reactions when it is .
As many others have noted, you guys are unreal! The level of knowledge, compassion, empathy and insane humour has distracted me so well from a stressful time and I thank you all so so much.
Yesterday was TOPS, @Veronicaaa your skill set is next level, Jessica Fletcher has nothing on you.
This Jack is the WORST C*NT as we say in Scotland (Shout out to the Scottish Frauen - love ya) she really grinds my gears with her lies and for taking advantage of her somewhat vulnerable followers. I’ve never come across a human as up her own ass as she is.
Thanks again for everything and keep up the amazing work. This should DEFO get published in a book!
Now fuck off x

Edited to fix @heartoreaditall2019’s handle x

 

[Alansbigplate]

Just caught up on the past twenty four hours, what a (chemical) rollercoaster. It must have been quite the scene in the shitty bungalow once she realised she'd been rumbled, furiously refreshing on here and her multiple twitter accounts with her Smart Price sausage fingers, going from phone to phone to phone trying to cover her tracks, wailing like a banshee and cursing @Veronicaaa in her adenoidal whine.

I was interested to see she even has another book lined up after this one - that she is definitely writing and will surely materialise on time - which got me thinking about other books she is qualified to write. Anyone else got any suggestions?

View attachment 248850

Matt in the background

how about ‘Any Sausage Is Better Than No Sausage; a Guide to Lowering Your Dating Standards’ by Jack Monroe

 

[Veronicaaa]

The cat jar might be full of tampons like the pineapple jar.

View attachment 249379

Is there anything she hasn't shared?!

I'm now saying 'TAMPONS? In a PINEAPPLE?' in my 'TRAAZERS? On a BIRD?' voice.

 

[MarmiteExtract]

This line is haunting, it’s something the young child of a family being terrorised by a Victorian poltergeist would say.

Tell that Victorian ghost to get to absolute fuck

 

[Harrybosch]

Guten Morgen lurkers and new Frauen! Glad to have you aboard this sleeper train to nowhere.

I've spent too much time this morning thinking about the mink account. It seems she alerted real-life friends/family to this account. Then she posted about symptoms, then she deleted the account because she was rumbled and on her blue tick account talked about going shopping and no mention of symptoms.

I thought at first that she posted about symptoms so she could join in with how there are no tests available, though in actual fact she has no symptoms.

But why post about non-existent symptoms to people you actually know? And then those same people will see you've been shopping. It makes my head hurt, trying to figure it out. Sadly, as we all know, there wont' be a reason, much like there isn't a reason why her bowl of pasta was cartoonified.

Wow, that is one FANCY 'modern essential'!

View attachment 249299

This may come as a shock, but my mirror lasts for much more than three weeks without being charged. Because you can't fucking charge it. As it's a mirror.

 

[Pocahontas]

Whos Rita?

 

[LifeClamp]

Hallo Fraus, I'm joining the merry little bunch of lurkers who have un-lurked here .

I've been following Jack for a couple years now, and even though she reminded me a bit of one of THOSE friends you have who always seem to find a way to one-up whatever interesting story you have, I still found some of her recipes nice and her cheap work arounds interesting.

Then Eye Gate happened I took one look at that photo posted and it just looked so painful(ly obvious in how fake/makeup enhanced) that I googled "Jack Monroe Black Eye Fake???" and stumbled across this. I was aware of Tattle through the MOD drama but never engaged properly with reading this site until Eye Gate, and now the more and more things that are uncovered the more I realised how absurd some of her stories are - and even the bits that are real she seems to act very unprofessionally for someone who probably relies a lot on getting tv/books deals on how the public perceive her??

So I have been keeping up since the Black Eye incident and grunka'd a bit prior, and mainly I just have quite a laugh seeing this all unfold You're all wonderful, and now I've un-lurked maybe I'll be more active! I was initially hesitant because I know a lot of people see this site as a toxic echo chamber for trolls, but actually as I've lurked and read you're all very nice to each other and aren't what people think at all! Trolls are people who directly harass someone unfairly, and while there's inevitably bad eggs who break tattle rules and directly harass, you all seem like you're just exasperated like many of us are with her lies, and just need a place to vent and laugh about all this

Now, I'll take my long post and FUCK OFF back to working and hopefully not lurking any more

 

[Alansbigplate]

So busy and dedicated guys

 

[Silver Linings]

Let’s just go ahead and add this to things she’ll abandon, shall we?

 

[Alansbigplate]

@Alansbigplate we need your photoshop skills for these screenshots - she's currently tweeting about her favourite maize snacks

I don’t actually photoshop my cartoons

 

[traumatised sideboard]

Today’s recipe has been published! Also what are autumnal herbs? If you are teaching people to cook tell them what to use and cost them. And I get annoyed by the pennies spent on ingredients when you can’t buy that amount of ingredient!

I think she means 'woody herbs' which are actually perennials.

I took one for the team cabal and listened to that Improving Lives podcast. I'd forgotten how awful it is to have her voice pumped directly into my ear drums through headphones. She sounds particularly adenoidal and, incidentally, bored as fuck though mercifully we are spared from her heavy breathing. The first part of the interview is basically her declaring that her favourite food is a cheese and mayonnaise sandwich with prawn cocktail crisps in. This must be the powerful story the podcast hosts spoke of in their introductory segment. They also mentioned that she'd lived in 'something crazy like 31 addresses in 21 years'. Don't worry lads, nobody knows the true number. She pretty much plays Numberwang every time she comes up with a new statement.

In the second part, she claims that when she was growing up, they lived in a tiny flat and a pokey house; her parents sometimes went without meals because they didn't have enough money to feed everyone. She also makes an absurd claim that her father 'hitch-hiked 27 miles to work in fire gear on the A127'. She talks about how she mainly lived on her own apart from when she would have brief romances and people 'moved in who would discover I was a pain and swiftly move out again' and laughs awkwardly. Nobody else laughs, myself excepted. There is nothing else of worth here. I give it 67 addresses out of 10.

 

[BettyBetty]

Morning Frauen, delurking to say hello! Found Tattle late in lockdown through Mrs Hinch (like many before, couldn’t see that she was being trolled so Googled it and here I am). Was a fan of Jack, even saw her speak at an event in February but it was the kitten that started me doubting what was going on. So glad I have had my eyes opened. You’re all lovely people, I don’t post because you are all waaaay more entertaining that me, so thank you all for the laughs and gasps, and for making this crap year a little bit brighter!