Jack Monroe #75 Peekaboo

[Cookiecookie]

I'm awake, but I live upside down to most of you

Ugh, why brag about feeding your child that nasty crap? Why does she never buy mince, it's super cheap (even decent stuff) and you can do a bajillion and one things with it? You can stretch the life out of it with veggies and pulses to make it even cheaper and more nutritious, much healthier for a growing lad. Why buy packet mixes after bragging about owning every single spice in the entire world? So many questions, so much bollocks!

 

[Captainmouse]

Starting to get seriously worried by these hidden messages now. Will our coven need to lawyer up?

Also hello to any fraus who are also awake at this time

Vlad has a very warped sense of humour

 

[MooBelle]

Congratulations to @Silver Linings for the thread title! A hearty 67 reactions! I couldn’t be more proud of my pirate wife. Expect a moonlight sonata on the lake tonight, dearest heart.
Ahem! Here is the recap. It’s hhhhnnnnggggg long. Today has been off the charts.


Recap of thread #74

1. Praise beans, Jack Monroe is alive and well! It’s possible that she’s been living quite happily in the fire swamp / Upside Down for some time now, indulging her propensity for tweeting with her sausage hands.
2. Or, are they ... mink paws? Who can say, but this Peeky Mink certainly likes Ocado, M&S, has a writing deadline to meet, but still time to dig out their trusty copy of one of the bootstrap recipe books and procrastinate while baking a POTATO.
3. Or, perhaps we’re being too suspicious and Mink is not who we think she is? As was quickly stated in her new bio. Oh, ok then, whatever you say, Mink. What’s your hometown of Edinburgh like? I hear there’s a phenomenal Five Guys (not a chain).
4. Minky then seemingly suffered with tweet remorse as she went on a deleting spree, locked their account (sound familiar?) and unliked complimentary posts about Jack Monroe. Poor Jack. When’s she ever gonna catch a break?
5. Peeky Mink follows Sali Hughes, That Man and Thrifty Lesley. And is followed by Louisa and a family member. All together now: lol.
6. Massive deposit of Vlad-funded bitcoin to today’s detective @Veronicaaa. See her initial discovery here.
7. And tech extraordinaire @heretoreaditall2019 who caught Peeky Mink’s Twitter feed run (?) here. All-expenses paid trip to the palace for you.
8. I wonder if Peeky Mink is good at writing books and keeping to imminent deadlines? Someone sure needs to be.
9. Cartoon capture of Peeky Mink (for safety attached. Screenshot credit @Chip1984).
10. But then Jack (the real Jack) came back to warn of a user on Twitter who is ‘obsessively hounding and bullying’ her under a fake profile (which mocks her name and phraseology). The white sauce thickens.
11. Real Jack decided to put their feet under the table and broadcast a panic tweet about empty toilet roll and pasta shelves in Asda (not M&S). Talk about putting out fires with gasoline (she was accused of making things worse). It’s not HER mess, talking-sense person, now get to absolute duck.
12. She then claimed she was back on a very strict grocery budget ‘for various reasons’, complete with pics of her Asda haul. She’s going to be recipe blogging again. Oh, great (or, should I say ‘grate’).
13. Apparently this gives her purpose, and she does it well, and it helps others. Okay? Now duck off.
14. She ‘solemnly swears’ to be on call for a daily lockdown larder. She’ll have her ‘fastest fingers and finking cap’. ‘Jack, Jack - I have a raw egg, a tin of marrow fat peas and a chicken’s foot (singular). HALP.’
15. Is today Sunday? Not sure, but at least I finally got dressed.

As always, please add any recap points that I have missed!

Spoiler: Jack for Dummies

For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):

Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/

Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.

For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.

*** JACKISMS ***

Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:

Yes, absolutely x

Some other favourite Jack quotes:

‘Babe, same’

‘I did a chaos’

‘My maverick brain’

‘My sad little face’

‘I’m BUSY’

‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’

‘I laughed up a lung’

One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **

To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).

Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *

Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)

We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.

During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.

Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.

Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now duck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to duck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.

*Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*

Also:

• She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
• She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
• Her dad's a bleeping LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
• Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
• Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
• She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
• During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
• The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.

Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.

We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.

Especially loving the mink xx

Dear Frauen

This is not the first time that perhaps Jackie has been found out to be masquerading as someone else on Twitter, you may remember back on thread #51 there were discoveries, as recapped here by the wonderful @Pocahontas . Remember “Chas” was following quite a few suspected Tattlers and discovered by our old planetary friend 🪐

I have a feeling she's posted on here too. There have been a couple of new accounts posting lots then completely disappear shortly after

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

Is there a way to know how many people/individual accounts view Jack’s threads?

I’m so curious to know if we have more lurkers on top of the regular posters and how many of us there are. Really wish I could do a head count.

Like if you lurk!

Genius idea summoning our quiet fraus, SO many of those liked accounts have 0 messages! I’m pages behind so not sure if anyone has come out but pls do, we’ll need all the coven we can get the next full moon

 

[Brian Butterfield]

Genius idea summoning our quiet fraus, SO many of those liked accounts have 0 messages! I’m pages behind so not sure if anyone has come out but pls do, we’ll need all the coven we can get the next full moon

My clipboard is ready!

The cabal is very welcoming. The more the merrier.

Reveal thy selves xxxxx

 

[Raker]

“Eye-lids, bollocks and arseholes”: there’s a thread title in there somewhere.

Yup:
thread #76: Jack Monroe — (glittery) Eye-lids, (fake account) bollocks and (rude as) arseholes

 

[ThePowderMonkey]

Don't do it poor squiggle

View attachment 249091

Shall we crowdfund for some decent sausages for poor squiggle?

 

[Silver Linings]

We’re back to early morning pictures of Cooper waking her up because he wuvs her so much. One thing that always makes me is she always puts her big light on straight away, put one of your many lamps on.

 

[Brian Butterfield]

Shall we crowdfund for some decent sausages for poor squiggle?

I can highly recommend these. 100% eyelid and hole free. Delicious.

 

[Flivver]

Long time (well, since lockdown) lurker here. I was wfh and coping with a family member undergoing chemotherapy from March until June. This cabal of trolls has injected a bit of humour into some very dark times. Thank you frauen for the laughs!

I read the comments on JM‘s absolute batshittery and shake my head in absolute disbelief. Kittengate finally did it for me and yesterday’s shenanigans...well. Always had a modicum of sympathy for her, thought she did the right thing for the disadvantaged in society and her heart was in the right place. Reading The Mink alterego - Ocado when some are struggling to feed their families. Beggars belief.

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

Sharing this for the third time as it’s so utterly brilliant, a lot of brands & media cos use google trends to inform their brand partnerships / influencer strategies / who they feature in content. It’s trusted, quick, free, and easy to understand and communicate to disengaged or outright thick senior stakeholders.

I am utterly deceased that some poor analyst or strategist may stumble upon tattle as a result of our growing popularity as a google search term, only to become <one of us.gif>.

Jackie is going to be livid we’re now very likely to be spotted and looked into by brands I don’t give a duck because she’s a thief, an identity thief and an opportunity thief. And a scoundrel for that barely legal meat!

View attachment 248848

 

[Harrybosch]

I know it's the least of her crimes, but the comment about the sausages imparting flavour bothers me so much. Anyone with food knowledge knows that flavour comes from fat and seasonings. We know she has herbs and spices aplenty. Get yourself some olive oil or rapeseed oil and you can give any dish decent flavour. For a casserole, saute onions, celery and carrots slowly in a bit of oil, add spices and cook a little longer to draw out their flavour, then add liquid, veg and beans/lentils if you are so inclined. Cook. Job done. Why am I typing this? You all know and she knows jack tit.

 

[UnderTheRadar]

My clipboard is ready!

The cabal is very welcoming. The more the merrier.

Reveal thy selves xxxxx

Dearest Frauen,

I am mainly a lurker, I initially discovered this wonderful site when I saw Aliceinwanderlust in the news and could not wait to find out all the goss with the SODs! It was eye opening to say the least! Then when those dorks decided to pipe down I saw that the Jack Monroe thread was LIT so I started to follow at thread 29. I have spent the latter part of my pregnancy with you legends laughing (and crying) along with the top notch banter.
It has been especially lovely to hear of other Fraus giving birth along the way. @heretoreaditall2019 special thanks to you for sharing your journey you have no idea how much you have put my mind at rest, and a big congrats on your lovely bundle!
I’ve been following the threads in real time whilst trying to Grunka through 1-28, I’m currently on #11 and it’s so exciting, Jack has made the shed but Hellman’s has not been announced yet and I can’t wait to read your reactions when it is .
As many others have noted, you guys are unreal! The level of knowledge, compassion, empathy and insane humour has distracted me so well from a stressful time and I thank you all so so much.
Yesterday was TOPS, @Veronicaaa your skill set is next level, Jessica Fletcher has nothing on you.
This Jack is the WORST C*NT as we say in Scotland (Shout out to the Scottish Frauen - love ya) she really grinds my gears with her lies and for taking advantage of her somewhat vulnerable followers. I’ve never come across a human as up her own ass as she is.
Thanks again for everything and keep up the amazing work. This should DEFO get published in a book!
Now duck off x

Edited to fix @heartoreaditall2019’s handle x

 

[Lumpyspaceprincess]

I’m looking forward to the subliminal adverts to do with lips and arseholes popping up.

 

[colouredlines]

Re: Jack being desperate for another lockdown. In her secret squirrel mink account, she had that post predicting Brexit food shortage riots. Wishful thinking on her part? That might make her relevant again!

 

[GoLando]

I know people are doing early thread suggestions (and that annoys me unreasonably anyway) but can we please, please, please for the love of God and my usually cast-iron stomach not do ones including eyelids and arseholes. I’m actually gagging here!!

Her poor son. What kind of mother brags about that junk she bought to feed them both. I’d be mortified. I buy a recipe box each week so I do new fresh meals for my family most nights even if they turn their nose up and go off in search of snacks. It makes me feel proud to put something homemade in front of them. I can cook pretty well anyway but between working and school runs I don’t have the time or brainspace for a big supermarket shop and all the slots are taken up by the grabby twats like Jack who have more than enough time to amble round Asda.

 

[virtualorigami]

lurker here i have been reading these threads daily since sometime in the 40s (not 1940s, feels like it sometimes though!)

i already lurked tattle and clicked on a JM thread out of interest and was immediately hooked haha. i tried to grunka all the way but I’M BUSY so even though it was a valiant attempt i only managed #1,2, all the DKL ones, and #31 before i had to admit defeat and follow along in real time.

just popping my head up since lurkers were summoned it’s very funny in here, i have a lot of laughs even though i’m just lurking

 

[emmer_moans]

Peeky is definitely rubbing hands together for Brexit, but using possible second lockdown as the bridge to Brexit. Fine if she actually helps people but we all know it is going to be slop. Didn't JM get bored of the commitment of Lockdown Larder and have to be reminded by fans to do it?! I'm sure that LL kept tailing off last time.

 

[colouredlines]

I know people are doing early thread suggestions (and that annoys me unreasonably anyway) but can we please, please, please for the love of God and my usually cast-iron stomach not do ones including eyelids and arseholes. I’m actually gagging here!!

Her poor son. What kind of mother brags about that junk she bought to feed them both. I’d be mortified. I buy a recipe box each week so I do new fresh meals for my family most nights even if they turn their nose up and go off in search of snacks. It makes me feel proud to put something homemade in front of them. I can cook pretty well anyway but between working and school runs I don’t have the time or brainspace for a big supermarket shop and all the slots are taken up by the grabby twats like Jack who have more than enough time to amble round Asda.

She's become one of those mums shoving chips through the school fence and whining about THAT MAN taking away turkey twizzlers. Because authentically working class = proud to eat tit, in her eyes.

Peeky is definitely rubbing hands together for Brexit, but using possible second lockdown as the bridge to Brexit. Fine if she actually helps people but we all know it is going to be slop. Didn't JM get bored of the commitment of Lockdown Larder and have to be reminded by fans to do it?! I'm sure that it kept tailing off last time.

We may finally get an answer to the chip shop chip dilemma!

 

[Captainmouse]

Mackie jonroe grabby twit