Jack Monroe #195 She basically writes fan-fiction about herself

[MancBee]

I am just throwing a 'chin up and don't be too hard on yourself' in. And make sure you treat yourself a bit this weekend. Cupcakes anyone?

Should I buy a bath bomb, a scented candle and listen to some up-tempo 80's shitty music whilst turning to a prune in the bath?

memememememe Had some really shitty health news yesterday. Trying to take it all in and make sense of it all. I have just got over one type of cancer, all clear in a letter a few weeks ago. End of the lockdown in sight, things are finally looking more positive.

Then the doctor rang out of the blue mid afternoon, only to tell me I most likely have another type of cancer. Emergency admission to a London hospital one day next week for biopsies, but my scans/blood tests/physical examination last week are pretty conclusive.

I am always positive about prospects, but even I am finding it hard this time. The thought of going through treatment and operations again just fills me with despair. Fingers crossed they have got it wrong this time.


Thanks to you lot of ninnies for providing me with a distraction, humour and support. It really does help.

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

Happy Anniversary

 

[TheDragonWithAFlagon]

There once was a Jack that put to sea
The name of the ship was the Bucket of Tea
The winds blew up, her bow dipped down
O blow, my bully boys, blow (Huh!)

Soon may the Cabal come
To bring us sugar and tea - no rum
One day, when the griftin' is done
We'll take our leave and go

She'd not been three weeks offline
When down came a collab, just in time
The fraus called all hands and they swore
They'd take that grift in tow (Huh!)

Soon may the Cabal come
To bring us sugar and tea - no rum
One day, when the griftin' is done
We'll take our leave and go


Da-da, da-da-da-da
Da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da
Da-da, da-da-da-da
Da-da-da-da-da-da

Before the slumlord's sad granddaughter
The rat's tail came up alongside and caught her
Arthritic hands to the side, boarded and fought her
Then she decided to go (Huh!)

Soon may the Cabal come
To bring us sugar and tea - no rum
One day, when the griftin' is done
We'll take our leave and go


No recipes cut, no land chicken freed
The Cabal's mind was on her greed
But we belonged to the whaleman's creed
We took that ship in tow (Huh!)

Soon may the Cabal come
To bring us sugar and tea - no rum
One day, when the griftin' is done
We'll take our leave and go


Da-da, da-da-da-da
Da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da
Da-da, da-da-da-da
Da-da-da-da-da-da

For forty days, or even more
The tweets went slack, then tight once more
All Patreons lost, there were only four
But still that grifter did go (Huh!)

Soon may the Cabal come
To bring us sugar and tea - no rum
One day, when the griftin' is done
We'll take our leave and go


As far as I've heard, the grift's still on
Poverty no' cut and the sideboards' no' gone
Then Manc Bee makes his regular call
To encourage our Poca, Cabal, and all (Huh!)

Soon may the Cabal come
To bring us sugar and tea - no rum
One day, when the griftin' is done
We'll take our leave and go

To bring us sugar and tea - no rum
One day, when the griftin' is done
We'll take our leave and go

 

[schmetterling]

Good morning Cabal! I hope you all have a wonderful day free of chaoses unless they are amusing Jack ones.

I hate to merail (and I apologise in advance if this is the wrong thread) but I assume many cabal members are here because they've had experiences with narcs and bullies or just genuine cunts. Will put this behind a spoiler as it's a little long winded and not very interesting, just wanted to blow off some steam to a group of people who I know are lovely, kind and very funny. Sorry for the lack of inline spoiler, it's not working on my computer for some reason.


I will try to keep this brief (oops!) as honestly I have given this woman enough of my attention. She's someone I've known a long time and then avoided for a long time because she was whiney, rude and annoying as fuck. I got back in touch with her recently because I felt sorry for her and I believe people can change. More fool me...

I haven't had the greatest 2021 so far with issues like family illness, bereavement and personal matters. I've struggled with quite severe mental illness for a good decade now, and it was only 6 months ago that I finally got a diagnosis that made sense. It was difficult to come to terms with but my close friends have been nothing but supportive.

When I mentioned these things to Shitty Friend, she managed 'oh I didn't know that' at best and at her worst completely ignored me and just talked about herself when I mentioned something serious and would have liked some sympathy or a silly chat. Then she became downright nasty and said that my diagnosis of X wasn't a real illness and instead I was definitely suffering from either Y or Z, which I found incredibly offensive. This is when I started to notice her Jackisms - she builds up a wall of 'oppression points' so that if you casually said 'I would rather listen to a qualified psychiatrist than your armchair diagnosis' she throws her toys out of the pram screaming YOU CAN'T SAY THAT MY LIFE IS TERRIBLE!! I CAN'T BE A BULLY I HAVE SO MANY PROBLEMS!! Last night she threw my mother's mental health in my face as an example of why my diagnosis is 'made up' which is where I drew the line and decided to just cut her off completely as I really felt weaponising my mother against me was a big red flag for accelerating narc behaviour.

TLDR: 'Friend' is dismissive and rude about my health and family issues, insists that it's not a 'real illness' and I should listen to her instead of a qualified psychiatrist. I have cut her off because she is a whiny aggressive Jack style cunt.

If you've read any of this, thank you so much dear hearts for listening and I really feel that this is a safe space when I'm feeling upset or down. Thank(space)you all so much cabal very much for that.

 

[Captainmouse]

Some hotels are having none of it

 

[Peeky_Mink]

My favourite bit of thread 31 :

 

[traumatised sideboard]

Thank you to a triumvirate for the threat title: @bowiethesdmn for the words and @Raker and @bladiesla for nominating them. Your joint prize is a jar of pickled beans and mandarins. I started them a couple of months ago so they've had plenty of time to settle and there's enough for a generous handful each.

In the previous thread:

Jack returned to tell us about her latest favourite snack: a tub of taramasalata with boiled eggs, capers and a coating of black pepper. That'll do.

She also remembered her Del Monte partnership and treated us to her pickled bean salad again. Del Monte are currently trying to recover from an ill-advised poll that revealed almost nobody wants to make said salad.

Thanks to Sidey B we learnt that Pythagoras was the original bean rinser which finally solves the mystery of how Jack uses Pythagoras on the daily.

Spoiler: Housekeeping

Please use the words ‘thread title’ (two separate words) when making a bid for one as it makes it easier to search. Also, try to hold off to the latter part of the thread if possible (after post #500). And remember - no swears are allowed.

There is a thread in the off topic forum called Food and Drink where off topic chat is encouraged if / when Jack is quiet.

New to Jack? Have a look at the wiki.

 

[traumatised sideboard]

Happy Jackiversary all. I don't have a hat but I did make a cake for the occasion. Unfortunately nobody else can eat it due to the well-established Proximity Rule so I'll have to hoof the whole thing myself like a greedy goblin.

 

[bowiethesdmn]

So, sort of skimming off topic here but I'm reading about the lady football player Nadia Nadim at the moment. She's from Afghanistan, learned the game at the age of 9 in a refugee camp after the Taliban killed her father, fled to Denmark and started playing for their national team aged 18. She speaks eleven languages and is studying to become a surgeon, currently assisting in surgeries as of 2020. She's turned down multiple offers that would have made her the highest paid female footie player in the world because she states she isn't in it for the money and will make a living as a reconstructive surgeon when her playing career ends. She's 33.

I mean I'm not expecting Jack to do all that, I'm slightly jealous if I'm honest given I'm 34 in a few months and can do basic first aid and speak Spanish at the level of a slow toddler, but she should maybe keep stuff like this in mind the next time she's rehashing The Destitution. There are so many great female role models out there who have suffered adversity and aren't out there going 'YES BUT I HAD A MINOR SETBACK TEN YEARS AGO PITY ME'.

 

[traumatised sideboard]

'Just fancied it for a bit' lol is that like deliberately taking a break from TV? That haircut is business in the front, party in the back except the party is over and you've been dragged out of the house unconscious after drinking too many WKDs because your mate's parents will freak if they find you passed out in the bath again.

 

[traumatised sideboard]

Jack, where are you? I need help! I brushed Sideboard Cat for five minutes and now I have all this fur - what should I do with it? I was thinking of felting a nice cosy for my gas meter but I was wondering if maybe there was a worse use for it.

 

[Switchstreetz]

By the way today is the anniversary of the free school meals uproar in UK (though not sure if Jack had stuck her take in yet)

She was very BUSY posting pictures of herself as a man

Leading to this brutal takedown by a squig

 

[Sideboard Bob]

The caption on the Instagram version is even more nauseating than the picture (which I’ve cropped out, just try to imagine in your minds eye “rainbow falafels”)

 

[FlashBoof]

I hope Jack stays away. I don’t care why she is (although I am more inclined to support the view she is on a sock puppet and will hail her own glorious ‘return’ at some point). Her Patreon is still live and the Twitter tip jar etc - if she was turning over a new leaf, they would have to go.

Grifter Hattie should be ashamed of herself but of course these people don’t have any shame or they wouldn’t be so brazen to begin with. If you are still reading, Hattie - pay your fucking way, like the rest of us. Your review, in your shitty online magazine, which is barely more than advertorials of dubious products by your own “PR company” and has almost zero reach and no influence whatsoever, does not constitute fair payment to that company that has barely been able to trade for 18 months.

A bigger bunch of charlatans and frauds would be hard to find, the the social media scroungers. Fucking shameless wretched people.

 

[kachoochoo]

in jack's absence I would like to wish you all goodnight

 

[HotesTilaire]

i am guessing “style director” means this cut was at the upper end of the price range. Utterly shameless. Also - still in London?

Tiggyandbo commented

Toni and Guy is an independent little boutique salon, in the old market town of Stratford, East London. In ye olde Westfield shoppyng centre.

 

[Mr Krabs]

I tried Gousto boxes for the first time recently and one of their curry kits uses clotted cream (!!) When I opened the box, my first thought was that jack had been given a job on their production line and that she must have been responsible for this heinous culinary assault on my home soil.

Incase anyone is curious I made said curry with said clotted cream and it was edible but I would never choose to eat it again.
Back to my Grunk, Love you cabal

Perhaps Jack should get into the meal box game. Call it 'Jack in the Box'. Every week (whenever Jack can be bothered), you'll get a tin of chickpeas, a bag of mouldy salad to make pesto, and whatever yellow sticker stuff is in ASDA this week.

First boxes are definitely going out this week, soon, just as soon as she's over the long COVID. OK, sorry you're starving to death but she's BUSY. Stop e-mailling me about your boxes, I'm in treatment!

 

[LennyBriscoe]

Oh shit I know whose haircut she’s copied.

 

[traumatised sideboard]

@MooBelle that user isn't Jack it's Hattie, the grifty weasel currently asking for free staycations who showed up here a few weeks ago asking us not to drag her into the Jack Universe and accusing us of making fun of her health condition (which we established we both didn't and wouldn't). It was a rubbish guest appearance. She doesn't appear to drive a taxi or own ethnic furniture and she's not even related to Eamonn Holmes

 

[kachoochoo]

I can remember what I was wearing, what I was doing, exactly one year ago. A glorious day...

For me, I shall not find peace until every beige postcard has been sent, for every week that was promised.

The cards are my... granola recipe.....

babe, same x

I was all alone in my sweltering office, wearing my yellow dress, happily chuckling my lurky self through thread 31 and

BAM!

"hi (nonnymouse). jack here. this is libel"

i jumped out of my skin and before I knew it, I'd texted my dad her to-do list