Ruby Granger #5 Counting Her Ad Money With Closed, Grateful Eyes

[Satisfying Click]

Spoiler: Erimentha Parker's to do list, Chapter 20

Erimentha arrives for PE before her peers as she now wishes to demonstrate her physical superiority. She hears her classmates talk about 'meaningless' things such as TV shows and weekend plans.

They start playing tennis and her serve is perfect, because of course it is.

There's a bit of back and forth between her and the others.

Suddenly, everything goes white

-------

No, she's not dead, it would be God meeting her at the gate anyway, not some amateur like St. Peter.

She's concussed and the school nurse is there.

Kimberly hit her with the tennis ball. Her mum is on her way to take her to hospital.

--------

She's in A&E and having a wonderful time observing the sick people around her. She guesses a man has a broken arm by looking at his ulna bone and notes how much pain he is in. You stay away from him, Erimentha Shipman!

Her mum bought some things to the hospital - not packed by her, because in this novel, she is mentally regressing at an alarming rate, she wouldn't be able to pick the right stuff - Erimentha had already procured an Emergency Hospital Supplies Kit. This is not a joke.

The doctor marvels at Erminetha, telling her she's the most medically-informed child she has ever met, because that's what most NHS doctors have time to do. Ruby needs to read House of God and understand the meaning of the word GOMER

Erimentha passes the broken-arm man on the way out, offering her condolences and hoping he recovers quickly and painlessly. Never, ever, let this girl near you with a syringe.

 

[Satisfying Click]

Spoiler: Erimentha Parker's to do list, Chapter 13

Erimentha is off to the retirement village to see Grandmama. (You didn't think she was going to refer to her as something as perverse as Nan, did you?) - she says the family rarely accompanies her.

Grandmama is a bookworm and a polyglot. It's the kind of wholesome and warm retirement home you'd find in American Christmas movies. Erimentha hopes her children will send her to a similar one (by the time our generation is infirm, Erimentha, we'll be given vouchers for the 'Twilight Village' and it's a brief one-way journey)

They go for a walk, they talk Shakespeare. Erimentha asks Grandmama if she has any friends. Nope, acquaintances, "True friends are a stack of books and a loving family." I'd want to be a fly on the wall during family therapy.

Grandmama mentions she hasn't always lived a morally perfect life - I wanted tea spilled on Grandmama's corrupt youth, but it goes as far as pinching her sister. They pick pinecones.

 

[Satisfying Click]

It's BBQ time!

Spoiler: Erimentha Parker's to do list, Chapter 15

Erimentha immediately shades Mrs Barton (Kimberly and Ella's mum) for appearing to be falsely friendly with her mum on arrival. She also judges her for wearing silk, but spares the grown ups with, "Did you know [silkworm cruelty]?"

Nathan is discarded downstairs and the girls go towards Kimberly's room. Erimentha does everything possible to be awkward - wondering how they keep the cream carpets so clean because Kimberly's pumps are leaving a damp trail, and Erimentha outright asks if her mum allows her to wear shoes upstairs. "Who are you, her mum?" says Beth, which to be fair, is appropriate to ask - it's not her house.

Erimentha talks about Kimberly's cold, pale irises again, probably because she plans to store them in a jar in future. I'm unsure which aesthetic this fits into.

Erimentha continues to be judgy, internally criticising Kimberly's dirty shoes, messy room, that she has far more makeup than is age appropriate. Kimberly starts putting lipstick on and our fair lady just cannot contain herself. "You know, most lipsticks are made from whale blubber?" and is 'ready to recount the unethical history of the cosmetics industry' when Kimberly puts her in her place, "No facts at my house, Erimentha"

That was fair game considering Erimentha has been snobby, insulting and rude since arrival.

She draws on Erimentha's cheek with the lipstick and takes a photo. Erimentha pipes up that she has not given consent for the photo to be shared, and that they're breaking the law by being on social media under the age of 13. Every party has it's pooper (although Erimentha has probably evolved beyond ordinary human capabilities and no longer passes stool)

What happens next is one of them cuts a chunk of her hair to make a Voodoo doll. Erimentha, who could not be more insufferable at this point, states that Voodoo does not work and the dolls are only sold as part of tourism. [Ed: Actually, Rube, it's a common misconception that Voodoo dolls are related to Haitan or Louisiana voodoo]

She remembers she has a brother and goes downstairs to find him, presumably to use him as a human shield. She joins Ella (Kimberly's sister) on the sofa with a book

 

[tsuyu]

I made a thread too woops! I'll copy the summary I made here

Noteable Events
Ruby accepted a paid #AD for Holocaust Memorial Day, received a lot of backlash and rushed to find an excuse. Initially decided the money was going to be 'reinvested' into a Holocaust charity and an anti bullying charity. A day later, put on her instagram story the money would actually go towards creating a few memorials in underfunded state schools. Had a day off social media and is now continuing to post as normal, feels she has addressed the issue enough


Erimentha Parker's To Do List
User @Satisfying Click has been reading Ruby's debut story, summaries of each chapter are linked below
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 8b
Chapter 9
Chapter 11 (no chapter 10)


Other mentions
Is still frolicking around her garden
Did a Victorian morning routine as a Victorian Lady. Her mother pretended to be her servant
Her Dad tracks her on her walks

 

[Satisfying Click]

I think Ruby's parents did a spiffing job in providing the type of nurturing and environment where Ruby is the golden child who can do no wrong and they treated Martha like the waffle in the pan that didn't come out right, and she is now is desperately overcompensating to show she's edgy and hip.

Anyway, totally unrelated...

Spoiler: Erimentha Parker's to do list, Chapter 19

They're in pairs for science. She notes that Beth has poor posture - pointing out physical flaws in others is part of the #bekind manifesto.

She wants to copy Erimentha's notes, not that Erimentha would allow it, unless it were in exchange for her mortal soul. Her paper gets dropped into the water, Erimentha through her devastation must emphasise to the reader that it's 100% recycled.

She sees Ella in the library and notices her eyes are glowing - perhaps she's a carrier of the evil gene. Ella says to Erimentha that her bullies call her quiet, like a small dead mouse. Erimentha internally agrees with the bullies that Ella does look like a mouse, but not a dead one. See #bekind above.

Erimentha doesn't want to share her own bullying experience but Ella won't have it. Quid pro quo, Dr Lecter.

Erimentha pushes back and says she's going to speak with Ella's form tutor right now, to the point that Ella starts crying. "I know I'm being harsh Ella, but I care about you too much to let this [bullying] happen."

I'm beginning to wonder whether I have misread the entire book and had Ruby actually intended Erimentha to be a Machiavellian cold sociopath?

 

[café au lait]

Recap:

- is still oblivious to her privilege
- misinterpreted a quote from George Orwell’s 1984
- and then tried to fix it after people pointed out her mistake
- her book reviews don’t really say much about the books, very surface level
- said that Miss Patina is not fast fashion
- did a Victorian morning routine video as an upper class lady
- the most hilarious reviews of Erimentha Parker’s To Do List (fanfiction about herself?) by @Satisfying Click
- has not done her research on facts she has in her book (hasn’t proofread it either)
- uses words strangely or incorrectly (or both) to come off as more intelligent
- her book has shed insight on what she might have been like in (primary?) school (probably like Erimentha)
- strange/questionable? poses on her Insta for her Outfit of the Day stories
- doesn’t seem to have much awareness of anything outside of her little bubble
- continues to model herself on Hermione from the first two? Harry Potter books
- book club is still as disorganized as ever
- video editing skills could use some improvement
- often posts monologues of her reciting something
- runs around in the snow (or the fields, or wherever she can, honestly)
- wears short sleeves, linen pajamas, etc. in winter
- reads out in the cold because it’s aesthetic
- is obsessed with darkcottageautumnacademiawintercore or whatever aesthetic we’re on at this point
- has an absolute mess of a LinkedIn profile that includes stuff from wayyyyy back (and don’t forget the ever iconic Harry Potter Society)
- possibly still does paid ads for Exeter?
- speaking of ads, she did an ad about Holocaust Remembrance Day for profit
- and then proceeded to backtrack and try to “fix” everything (more like try to defend herself and her actions) after being called out on it
- returned a day later like nothing had happened, and rather than take accountability for it, just had to mention how she had to take a day off of Instagram because obviously this situation impacted her the most

(I might not have gotten everything, so please add anything I've missed!)
Edit: hopefully I tagged correctly this time

 

[Satisfying Click]

Spoiler: Erimentha Parker's to do list, Chapter 14

It's just before bedtime and Erimentha is performing a one-woman Shakespere show for her mother. No mention of Nathan - the Spartans would leave the weakest children out in the wild to fend for themselves. Mum doesn't understand the appeal of Shakespeare, "But don't tell Grandma!"

"Grandmama," Erimentha corrects her. Mum, can you stop being such a fucking idiot and realise we're to speak Victoriana!

She has picked out a lilac dress and hopes her mum will wear a purple one to church so they match. Daughter Dearest vibes and I'm getting the willies.

Erimentha wakes up and decides to learn Morse code before breakfast. She tries to collude with her father to drop out of this BBQ but he mentions mum will be really upset if they miss it. For the first time in this book, she considers the feelings of another person.

 

[Scapier88]

Can someone let me know when this goes back to the Ruby thread or do I need to go to the jkr thread and start talking about Ruby

 

[3calico3]

Although I wish she'd addressed the backlash, I do think she came across much better in this video than she has in a while. It was nice to see her taking the initiative of applying for an internship and going to a proper university reading group (rather than doing one of her typical pointless extension projects on Plath instead). I hope she makes more videos like this.

The one thing that annoyed me about the internship (apart from the fact that her history with paid content for the uni may have helped her get it) is the way she phrased how she found out about it. "My seminar leaders sent it to me because they thought I'd be interested" - her seminar leaders probably sent a mass email about it to everyone in her department, why she have to make everything so ego-centric? I bet that she wasn't emailed specifically.

 

[HanHanHan]

The one thing that annoyed me about the internship (apart from the fact that her history with paid content for the uni may have helped her get it) is the way she phrased how she found out about it. "My seminar leaders sent it to me because they thought I'd be interested" - her seminar leaders probably sent a mass email about it to everyone in her department, why she have to make everything so ego-centric? I bet that she wasn't emailed specifically.

Lol this really annoyed me too! Eng Lit Exeter student here, and can confirm that there was a mass email about the internship. They literally send these kinds of opportunities en masse to all students who study a relevant subject! Props on her for going for it of course, and I'm sure she did a lot of research beforehand and deserved to get it. However, I agree that it feels a bit sus that they pretty much gave her the option of picking which internship she'd prefer. Feels like she may have got special treatment in that sense because she's their ~poster child~

 

[BedtimeBrew]

I feel a little bit sad for her after her latest video. She was doing so well at uni, she was independent, making much more relatable and mature content and genuinely seemed like a young woman in her early twenties. I cannot believe she's gone back to making videos playing pretend at home, literally putting on costumes and walking about pretending to be a victorian scullery maid, it feels like she's fifteen again making Hermione Granger videos. Also there's the obvious issue of this literally being an upper-middle class woman walking around her million pound country house just outside London and pretending to be working class, a lot of the video seemed like 'look at my original cast iron fireplace and my aga and these wooden shutters we have'.

 

[CatCafe234]

I’m calling it now - Ruby’s ‘working class’ morning routine will involve Ruby pretending to be in service in her own house. So, she’ll be pretending to wake up in the smaller spare bedroom, dabbing her face with water from a jug, wearing a mob cap, crouching over the fireplace in her massive house pretending to light a fire, possibly posing with a broom for some reason, and her mum will be playing lady of the manor whilst Ruby serves her breakfast.

 

[Satisfying Click]

Being oblivious to one's own cushy circumstances isn't just exclusive to Ruby as it turns out. Here you go!

Spoiler: Erimentha Parker's to do list, Chapter 18

Erimentha is with her mum, and asks her if she knows what the coldest temperature ever recorded was. Her mum hazards a guess and it's incorrect. Erimentha is disappointed that her mum's guess was lower than the actual temperature and God, couldn't she have been given more of an intellectual giant in a mother than this simpering fool?

Erimentha tells her mum that she doesn't feel tourists should visit the Antarctic because of petrol and the sea, but she'd go if it was to help penguins, because that's totally a non-tourist move.

Mum hates the cold weather as it's depressing. Erimentha goes about how amazing autumn and warm blankets are until Mum browbeaten into agreement.

An elderly woman commends Erimentha's mum on how well-behaved and charming Erimentha is, because her own grandchildren love technology and thus, deserve to be put on a one-way rocket into the sun. Erimentha's mum ponders the social acceptability of proposing a swap.

They go to a coffee shop. Erimentha tops up her hot chocolate with cold water to not burn her tongue. Mum orders black coffee and being a total simpleton, burns her tongue. "Why didn't I follow your example?" We've already established this, you amoeba!

Erimentha sees miniature jam pots served with the cream teas and wants to take some as candle holders. The shop owners have no qualms in giving away their stock.

Back home, Erimentha is thrilled at how cold the weather is, oblivious of the privilege of being protected in a large house, warm blankets and heating. She surrounds herself by a ring of candlelight, possibly in a ritual to summon the dark spirits.

 

[themachine]

For some reason I always read forum threads starting from the most recent message and go backwards, so imagine my shock seeing several messages talking about ketamine usage before seeing messages saying it's Martha. I thought we had accessed some Ruby Granger After Dark material.

 

[pumpkinssspice]

Spoiler: Erimentha Parker's to do list, Chapter 13

Grandmama mentions she hasn't always lived a morally perfect life - I wanted tea spilled on Grandmama's corrupt youth, but it goes as far as pinching her sister. They pick pinecones.

I wonder if grandmama has ever run through fields of wheat

 

[Ilaariaa]

Maybe the security officers caught a glimpse of Ruby's behaviour and thought it best to confiscate the skipping rope, lest Martha tried to strangle her on the plane

 

[GoinDowntown]

My headcanon: Ruby's mum has a bunch of throwaway accounts on youtube and she is the one requesting the scullery maid video to get Ruby to clean ahaha

 

[Satisfying Click]

Usual disclaimer applies, I would warn readers however that this chapter contains some Golden Child/Black Sheep dynamic at play, it might be triggering to those who have grown up with it.

Spoiler: Erimentha Parker's to do list, Chapter 21

Erimentha decides to stay home for the day after the PE incident, and they walk Nathan to school. He's not shoved into oncoming traffic but they race to the end of the road, he wins. She patronisingly pats him on the back, allowing this little victory, but soon asserts her authority as the dominant child.

"Did you know..."
He cuts her off. "No more facts!"
Mum, with a few working synapses left, tells him off for 'being mean'. "We love Erimentha's little factoids."

This is all very uncomfortable. It's the reason Nathan will one day change his name to Lewis and lie to his girlfriend that his parents are dead.

Erimentha talks about how her parents met at university during exam season, which is completely irrelevant and Erimentha is very critical of the idea of love (her emphasis). Nathan also finds it cringe, because he's a stereotypical eight year old (yes reader, sadly he is also regressing, by age - although this might be better for him, one day he'll be a random sperm living in blissful ignorance)

Erimentha notes that given her height, she could pass for Year 5 in her old school.

She sees her former teacher - who forgets her duty of care to a classroom of children and chats with Erimentha, and she's convinced something is wrong. She notes that her teacher seems like a maternal figure due to her oversized glasses and wrinkles. Ouch #bekind, Erimentha Wintour! The teacher encourages her to tell her parents or the teachers at the school, but Erimentha seems to think being bullied = weakness.

 

[Ilaariaa]

I think a move towards more booktube content could actually be interesting, I tend to watch those kinds of channels and if Ruby engages more critically with books it could really work well for her.

I'm very dubious about her working class Victorian morning routine - my research specialism is gender and class in the 19th century and I think I'll find it very difficult to hold my tongue. If Ruby does her normal romanticised take on the topic it will most likely come across as massively insensitive and problematic, especially coming from Ruby's extremely privileged position.

If she spreads black powder on her cheeks and pretends to grimly walk towards the coal mine for her first 8-hour shift of the day I'm going to lose my mind

 

[n8459]

I'm reading Ruby's mum's blog and she's written this on the post "Fifty Ways"

"My younger daughter bought me a contraption for my bath, which holds my candles and book, letting me lay back to relax and read. When I get bored of that, I can put on the velvet eye mask she got me and plug it into my favourite music."​

It really sounds like Martha is really thoughtful with gifts, and I feel really sorry for her when I think of the lamp Ruby got rid of, it was perfect for somebody who studies as much as Ruby does. Clearly it wasn't as aesthetic as studying by candlelight