The Sloppies Nominations

[Switchstreetz]

The Sloppies are an online "awards ceremony" held on the Jack Monroe threads, a look back at the last 12 months of the threads and recognise the chaos, lies and slop we have endured together. Without further delay, let's get nominations underway, don't forget your tinned fish party bags!

This year's ten categories are:

1. The Eye of Sauron award for “best public appearance”

2. The Golden Grifty award for “most egregious waste of money from someone claiming to be poor”

3. The Full Moon award for “best chaos”

4.The Yes Absolutely award for “most useless/actively harmful advice”
-im being naughty and breaking impartiality to nominate the dryer fluff and tin can candle lighters in this category, because to this day I still get the shudders when it pops into my head

5. The Facetune Award for “selfie of the year”

6. The Mission Inn Star Award for “best slop”

7. The Novak Nail award for “most entertaining/outrageous lie”

8. Missed Deadline Award for “most urgent item on Kacha's list” see posts by @kachoochoo for the full list in all it's fear and awe inspiring length

9. (As yet untitled - open to suggestions) award for 'favourite' cabal recreation of a Jack Monroe Recipe

10. The Silver Poca Plate for “honorary frau of the year”

Nominations will run till 20th November just stick the category number and your nomination in this thread - the only rule is that it must have happened from Dec 1st 2020 onwards.

 

[FlowerOfTheEast]

May I softly, gently, humbly suggest "Bad Food for Good Days" as a potential title for category 9? Because it's always a great day on here when we have a cookalong to entertain us!

 

[Vanelope]

These are my first Sloppies and I’m so excited

 

[Pocahontas]

How can soup look dry?

Why you cry
Soup dry

 

[kachoochoo]

i don't really want to suggest it, because the winner is already clearly trifle defender, but may I please nominate mr kcc for 'honorary frau' on account of the literal minutes of fun we all had with the mask he got me for my birthday. please and thankspaceyou

 

[Sideboard Bob]

9. (As yet untitled - open to suggestions) award for 'favourite' cabal recreation of a Jack Monroe Recipe

How about calling it “The Golden Pineapple of Bravery Award”?

Also, YAAAYY! I’m so glad you’re doing this again @Switchstreetz I’ll get my other nominations in soon!

 

[Lumpyspaceprincess]

7. I don’t own a toaster. Except this toaster in my kitchen.

 

[Switchstreetz]

Think I've compiled all the nominations below but let me know if I've missed any. Mancbee's infamous stuffing soup is older than the deadline so have had to leave it off but bloody hell he deserves a medal and lots of pictures of nice clean cutlery drawers for suffering through that! I bet it still repeats on him in the night


1. The Eye of Sauron award for “best public appearance”
- labour conference (in which she turns up 45 minutes late because she's been performing a starbust Vs opal fruits ingredients dissection)
- conservative conference (in which she finally did a tiny bit of good with her Instagram platform, posting some graphics to support trussell trust...only to delete the posts a few weeks later once she'd had her paid gig "at conference")
- BBC news free school meals interview

2. The Golden Grifty award for “most egregious waste of money from someone claiming to be poor”
- Aparthotel with fully stocked fridge
- Lip fillers
- Halloween (Wilko's almost-cerberus, and the squid game cosplay with premium brand boiler suit purchased solely to dye pink and wear once)
- army of houseplants "Feed me tinned fish Seymour"
- the 2 packets of opal fruits/starburst apparently worth missing her conference for
- 16 weeks aparthotel in London
- purchasing the designer suit from her diva photoshoot

3. The Full Moon award for “best chaos” (I laughed out loud at Hotes just putting 'all of january' LJC that was a hell of a month, )
- Go Henry debacle
- The Linda McCartney collab & resulting Viggles uprising
- tweeting out a "crying selfie" and tagging Rishi Sunak, chancellor of the Exchequer, in it to beg for money
- Titmas

4.The Yes Absolutely award for “most useless/actively harmful advice”
- dryer fluff candle lighters in a tin can-dle holder
- putting glass in the freezer
- ignoring the sugar content of her prune cake and recommending it to diabetics
- put a baking sheet over your sink to keep the washing up water warm

5. The Facetune Award for “selfie of the year”
- Trifle selfie with anime hair
- Dib Dab 12 year old boy selfie
- crying rish mate selfie
- cringey meme selfie in poor SB's sweater with lasers firing out her fingers, just like she imagines the sun shining out of her orifices
- Cherie Blair/disapproving Tory mum selfie
- Pleather blazer selfie with her pocket of pens sat at a tiny desk
- soft pink curtains & 'good lighting' selfie


6. The Mission Inn Star Award for “best slop”
- burned anchovy-cado breakfast (I'm trying to find this one to make sure it's in date, if anyone fancies linking it to me to ruin my day I'd be very grateful. I've seen some awful meals just searching for "jack Monroe anchovies" let me tell you. )
- prune cake
- Linda's sausage curry
- ephemeral cassoulet which keeps changing its ingredients
- 2020 Xmas dinner from hell (express article spread - veg peel stuffing loaf, lardY gravy & furry brain pudding)
-The ominous Xmas pudding, looking like a polished gold turd and sparkling away with Southend Chainsaw Massacre audio in the background

7. The Novak Nail award for “most entertaining/outrageous lie”
- go henry. Where she was either lying about using her son's card for no reason, and consequently got his account locked...or she was fraudulently using an under 18 bank account in her son's name and then lying to the bank when they found out.
- meekly calling Boris Johnson 'disingenuous' on air then swaggering onto Twitter to claim she'd been cut off early in the interview for calling him a liar
- the diva essay
- I don't own a toaster. Here is my toaster
- Easter Island Holmes advising her to go into politics
- excuses for how she time travels in her selfies e.g "stepped into a sunbeam" "it's just good lighting" "soft pink curtains"
- expelled from school for stealing a scalpel (without her parents ever finding out, and somehow still managing to sit her 4.5 GCSEs)


8. Missed Deadline Award for “most urgent item on Kacha's list”
- household management book (help I have 200 litres of used bubble bath stored in a garage and I need to Jack to release this book so I know how to make them into a bechamel sauce.)
- vegan pineapple upside down cake
-The granola recipe
- column for breakdown magazine


9. The Bad Food for Good Days award for 'favourite' cabal recreation of a Jack Monroe Recipe (thanks @FlowerOfTheEast for the name!) Borrowing from Sidey B's suggestion though, I rather like the idea of the award being a golden pineapple filled with tampons
- Turned up in Tipp's lard gravy
- Beautiful Trauma's bake along of prune poo
- Hotes oats (@ the oats no you can't make a tattle account and vote for yourselves )
- Poor Patrol's sloppy scuffins
- hollaaa's swampy soup
- Traumatised sideboard's -brainrot- headrush spaghetti

10. The Silver Poca Plate for “honorary frau of the year”
- Trifle Defender
- ICO squiggle
- Sardine Calender bloke (real or ersatz tattle edition)
- a badger? (you've lost me with this one Frauen, I'm very behind on the threads )

 

[traumatised sideboard]

Thought of some more

1. Does the disastrous Del Monte live with her disgusting chicken juice hands, filthy baking dish and pineapple full of tampons/sweets count as a public appearance?
5. The 'happy place' selfie with her arse front and centre, the double pupil nightmare, the 'hoofing it straight from the pan' photo
6. Polish sausage and yoghurt, the chocolate salame she allegedly made with her son
7. PYTHAGORAS
9. Fruitjack's pineapple and jackfruit patties, Orphy B's slow cooker bread

I'm hooting at the memory of a squig mistaking the Linda's sausages in the curry for dumplings

 

[Captainmouse]

I think we need a category for cabal photo shopping

 

[HotesTilaire]

6. best slop and/or 3. best chaos
The time Jack drank all the prune juice, ate prunes and some kind of festering fermented chili sauce her maverick brain had invented, resulting in the live-tweet of her frequenting the toilet

 

[kachoochoo]

I still can’t believe that was a real thing that actually happened!

View attachment 864459

let me take you back to early summer

it happened!

 

[FunnyFuneral]

5. The wearing her small boys sweatshirt and shades with lit up finger tips that we all & at . Brilliant x

3 . - Go Henry fraud ! How could I forget. Honestly, the fact that she can cover up the fraudulent use of her son's debit card by whittering on about being pissed or impoverished all the time on twitter. You or i would have been nicked for fraud and it should be the same for anyone regardless of their celebrity

 

[kachoochoo]

to assist with no 8, List as of right now. just updated to include the instantly legendary entry "something else I'll remember sometime" from the clown

nb - given Jack's body of work and my jack-like lack of keeping track of dates, it obviously includes everything outstanding from last year. should I root out just the entries from December 2020 onwards for consideration (possible, may take a day or so), or do you all want to nominate from everything outstanding? lmk

Spoiler: Jack's Coming Soons

£15 a week lunches
£20 shops as a whole
9 half-written manuscripts
35 recipes from a £20 shop, pick your fave
2000 words for print glossy GQ awards
a few announcements
adding to twitter thread of plants as they bloom
advent calendar
aged chicken thigh bone stock
alcohol free versions of recipes
austerity book
base system going in next book
BBC show guest on dr rupy's iplayer show
big press photo shoots
black bean brownies recipe
BLM video monetization donation
blog post excited about for ages
bollocking rishi sunak
book on culinary history
book signing in Belfast
books for slow cooker appeal
books for the rural coffee caravan
Brand New System for desk - wallpaper
bright blue think tank updates
brioche balls
Camp Kitchen from the shed
chestnut fudge thing
chicken livers
Christmas condiment
cinnamon granola recipe
coffee scrub
column for the Breakdown
comic filter security
Conditions of Bungalow Bubbling lessons
curating regular book recommendations
David Walliams book reviews
dauphinoise pie
deep pinky purple mascarpone ice cream
denim shirt embroidery commissions
depressipes
detailed blog on nutrition
devilled eggs recipe - completed it, mate
DM to Yel
drawing nigella's garden
ethical on a budget
explain daily usage of pythagoras theorem
festive pop tarts
festive vegan loaf
filing accounts
flannel blog
flapjack recipe
food truck of joy
gailymail
gold rush xmas presents
great resources by trans + non binary writers
greek cook book
half-written budget xmas recipes
handing over her platform to poc
healthy on a bootstrap
helping disability and mental health writers
history of York road market
homemade hand sanitiser
homemade cleaning items
huge depop or Ebay sale
hybrid cassoulet
ideas for pumpkin flesh
jackfruit version of something
James Bond conspiracy theory
Klingon gagh recipe
knit blanket
kolokythokeftedes recipe
kombucha whisky
lever arch files of fan mail
life hacks book
links to small businesses
list of slow cooker recipes
lockdown larder 2.0 resumption threatened
lockdown list of services
maple syrup story
mashed potato secret
militant boiled eggs
mince pie doughnuts
mole
more cabbage
mushroom drying completed 2018
mushroom sauce
New Thing
newspaper campaign the fucking express
onion chopping song
ouchy mouth recipes
patreon update
pistachio milk
pointing out real plants
pork and lentil bolognese
postcards, postcards, postcards
poverty memoir
puttanesca soup
quick pickling
radish recipes
recipe roundup on Instagram
recipes for small people
red ephemera soup recipe
repotting spider plants from a friend
rooting out Amazon from website

running around in heels with a Tall Man GQ awards 2020. no evidence of running or dancing, but Marcus is tall. she didn't even personally hand him the award.

running order for xmas dinner
salt and vinegar sardines and spaghetti
sausage and kale slop
Secret Ingredient - possibly banana skin
secret stock ingredient potato water
sending maple syrup tin to fan
setting her teenage musings to music
sexy kitchen makeover reason
shopping trolley viewed Sept 2021, unclear if gift
sideboard photos reason
sleep hygiene routine
slow cooker bubble bath
slow cooker xmas dinner - before xmas 2021
some kind of timetable for SB in lockdown
something else Jack'll remember sometime
super secret shopping trip hack
supper nanny
support cabal for bullied media types
swamp thing
sweet and sour soup
sweet potato caramel
thrifty shades of beige
Thursday thunder clap
tin juice cordial recipe
tomato soup water content - done
transcribing and blogging non binary talk
transcribing government bollocking
translation of a Greek Cypriot cookbook
unorthodox cheese sauce - done
unorthodox courgette squishing
Up To Something
uses for juice from del monte tins
various cornflakes chicken recipes
vegan char sui buns
vegan cheese list
vegan crackling
vegan diabetic creme egg (maybe)
vegan haggis
vegan pastitsio in collab with veganuary Linda
vegan paella with artichokes
vegan pie glaze
vegan version of upside down pineapple chicken
visit Poland
weekly routine
zero waste curry falafels

/SPOILER]

 

[HotesTilaire]

9. Slow cooker slime bread! Orphy B for the win, I feel nauseous remembering it

 

[traumatised sideboard]

Late nomination for the based moon app as honorary frau of the year.

 

[Pocahontas]

9. Slow cooker slime bread! Orphy B for the win, I feel nauseous remembering it

Your oats were like something out of The Fly

 

[Orphan_Black]

9 Hotes Oats - it was the prolonged time frame and overnight tension - and that it seemed to gain sentience

I would not be surprised to see it in the new Ghostbusters film!

 

[Pocahontas]

Hey Switch:

2 - All the chairs known to man
- Jack's jungle

3 - The Tile train chaos

4 - Hold a griddle pan out of the window to cool it down
- table salt for bath salts
- Slow cooker bubblebath in a recycled squash bottle
- Painting tin cans to knock them down

5 - Pixie cut and a bra
- Smartly Dressed Monroe in a Nicole Farhi jacket
- The 'meme' t-shirt selfie
- 90s Indie chanteuse
- 'If you know you know'

6 - This thing
- This 'ramen'

7 - Not opening post for a decade
- Sizzling Pringles lip fillers
- Watching a former manager place her book in the No. 1 position
- Having teeth kicked in at karate

8 - Drawing Nigella's garden - why has Nigella not had this framed for posterity?

10 - Terry the sparrow, in all his lives

 

[HotesTilaire]

I can assure you that a lady scientist advised me that anything boiled for that long can’t live....