Jack Monroe #87 Anchoïade, anchoïade, anchoïade

[Pocahontas]

Congratulations to @NoseyParkour for the words and @Peachy9 for nominating them for a thread title. Group frauen effort, that’s what we like to see.

Recap of thread #86

1. New information: she was a child prodigy and has 22 years’ worth of songs percolating inside her. She might share the onion song, once she’s over being ... shy and ... bruised.
2. She unlocked her Twitter and asked if anyone had good resources for dealing with winter loneliness.
3. She also tried to pick a fight with a journalist over migrants in boats. What an inspired way to gain company.
4. She went to bed with hot chocolate, lavender spray, book, Classic FM and sleeping tablets. She had a lovely night’s sleep after tweeting from her bed for several hours and then taking the sleeping tablets.
5. She is now Jack Monrooooooooooe. How tiresome.
6. She spent all Sunday tweeting about going to the Asda twice to spend her self-allotted £20. All the live long day tweeting about shopping.
7. No receipt from the second shop but the total sum of course and definitely all added up to exactly £20. Sure, Jack.
8. What about going on a bike, Jack? Can’t. What about a shopping trolley to maraud [with]? Oh, shan’t!
9. Don’t be saying she shouldn’t be buying yellow-stickered goods when she clearly doesn’t need to take them. She’s ‘mindful’ about it, to be fair. She puts the livers in the basket.
10. She’s going to bulk up her meagre supplies with stock she already has in her cupboard and freezers. Not really £20 week then is it, and it’s dangerous to perpetuate this unrealistic budget, isn’t it?
11. Guess what: Brexit’s coming and also a second austerity. Jack says so, therefore it must be true.
12. She did the eggs again, the devilled eggs. Better the anchoïade devil you know.
13. She made 90% vegan chicken thigh stock in a fancy chalkboard slow cooker that she can write on. It was from Asda. Ages ago.
14. She locked her Twitter again. I think? It changes from hour to hour, truly.
15. What blessed gifts she receives from nature. First a muddy puddle, now the wind in her landlady’s garden, which has delivered to her a neatly bunched bouquet of eucalyptus
16. @Switchstreetz also wrote a more detailed recap here. Bitcoin and a seat at Vlad’s table for you, frau.
17. Just in: she’s worked out that her rent and frugal bills take up 91.3% of her salary. She’s fine, please don’t offer her money! She’s just going to SCREAM INTO THE VOID FOR A MOMENT. The void of sycophants and psychopaths. Please see the patreon link on your way out.

Spoiler: Jack for Dummies

For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):

Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/

Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.

For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.

*** JACKISMS ***

Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:

Yes, absolutely x

Some other favourite Jack quotes:

‘Babe, same’

‘I did a chaos’

‘My maverick brain’

‘My sad little face’

‘I’m BUSY’

‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’

‘I laughed up a lung’

One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **

To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).

Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *

Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)

We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.

During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.

Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.

Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.

*Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*

Also:

• She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
• She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
• Her dad's a fucking LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
• Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
• Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
• She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
• During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
• The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.

Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.

We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.

 

[Harrybosch]

Oh fuck off, Jack. Ms safety conscious didn’t even blur out the location of the Asda in her latest receipts in case anyone still hasn’t got her address yet. I figured it out in 5 mins because you kept talking about the sports facility that your house backs onto. View attachment 273418

Hun, your roofline had nothing to do with me being able to triangulate you. You have stated the following publicly and often repeatedly.

Your garden backs onto tennis courts
You live in Thorpe Bay
You live in a bungalow
The bungalow has a second floor
You have three bedrooms
You have a shed in the garden
Your walking distance to a number of different supermarkets
Your walking distance to the beach

I have seen on TV, your Twitter and your Instagram, many, many, many photos of
Your hallway
Your kitchen
Your dining room
Your living room
Your bathroom
Your shower room
Your bedroom

Your house has many original/unique features (fireplaces, windows, eaves)

Finding an approximate location was incredibly easy based on the tennis court, distance to various locations information you have put out there. I mean, it took less than 5 minutes.

Your oversharing of photos made it straightforward to locate your house using Google Earth and Rightmove.

Guess whose house I can't triangulate? Nigella's ,Nigel's, Jamie's, Nadia's and dear heart, Jay's. Wonder why that is.

 

[Fruitjack]

19:07 today. Everyone has been talking about this for a month now, with great intensity for the last week.
She’ll be offering up some insightful analysis on the Suez crisis soon.

 

[Flumps]

What food item is now five times more expensive than 7 years ago? Unless she is comparing tins of beans from when there was a price war going on and they were a loss leader for shops. Beans, bread, etc were being sold below cost by the likes of Lidl and Aldi to gain a customer base. It was unsustainable in the long run and the quality of those beans, bread, etc was diabolical.

She is a knob.

<pops out of lurkerdom>

This is a complex issue. I am not sure where our slop producing crusader thinks the money will be squeezed from if food is kept at an artificially low price. The large retailers will push those costs back to the producers or food manufacturers (who will in turn push back to the producers). This means those who actually produce the food will make far less money, and we're not necessarily talking about people who make wild profits in the first place. There's also the issue of corporate social responsibility - it costs money to be socially responsible - and most big food producers have made massive steps in this area over the last 10 years or so. Unfortunately food costs a certain amount to produce, and costs even more when the producers are paying suppliers fair prices (not perfect yet by any means), but it's pretty easy to argue that we got into a place 10-20 years ago where food was crazy cheap, because its production was based on global practices that were shoddy for people in developing countries, terrible for animal welfare and for dangerous methods of cultivation. Production of food has a real cost, it takes people and resources and land, and squeezing all that results in cheap food, but horrific practices.

And.. and.. and... inflation is a complex beast (I'm not claiming to understand it very much at all) and affects businesses too, particularly the cost of production in processed goods, like, you know, canning and preserving stuff, particularly when it's not base ingredients, but things that require a recipe and development. It's not all money in the companies pockets.

Using the Bank of England's calculator, a shopping basket of £20.27 would have cost £15 in 2009. That's general goods and services, mind, not food specifically. A rate of inflation of about 3.1% a year. However, inflation isn't necessarily bad, controlled inflation can be good in some circumstances, it keeps debts under control as it allows interest rates to be lower, and (in responsible companies) it means salary increases, rather than wage freezes (though I accept it often doesn't match rate of inflation, but that's a different conversation and in reality probably the more important one to have, because this is where the cost of living can really be impacted, when pay rises are not inline with inflation). Deflation or a static economy brings its own problems though, that's the point. It's a delicate balancing act. 3.1% is a little high compared to what's generally the ideal (from what I understand), but can be better for inflation to be a little higher during times of financial crisis, because it keeps a brake on interest rates and allows people to, um, buy houses and shit.

In conclusion, JM is, as ever, full of shit. Waving faded receipts around /= to economic analysis.

Thank you for coming to my inexpert and by no means Ted talk.

<relurks>

 

[xoxo]

I suspect this "bruising" is because she's had some Twitter replies today from people who didn't have their tongue lodged firmly up her ringpiece, like 99% of the replies she gets on Twitter.

 

[busylass]

My area is to be put into a level 3 lockdown on Wednesday. Pubs, gyms and lots of other hospitality places will be forced to close. No mixing with other households even outside. People who thought they might be able to salvage something from this year will be losing jobs and incomes again. And there's Jack, clutching her £20 to do her poverty shop. Complaining that she only has 10% of her disposable income left after rent and bills. Know what this tells me Jack? That you have a steady income with money to spare. Staying in your shitty bungalow is a choice because if you were really hard up, you'd move because you'd have to. People have been genuinely struggling for months and months and now today we've been told it's going to get even worse. This is unprecedented so don't bring your decade old poverty cos play anywhere near this. So just fuck right off.

 

[Alansbigplate]

A'la the postman when he sees Hyacinth in Keeping Up Appearances (there has to be a face swap meme of that somewhere!)

 

[BlendedSlop]

Wait, so how many radios does she have?

It's like another fucking sphinx's riddle crossed with one of those awful GCSE Maths scenarios.

"Jack has fewer radios than sideboards, but more radios than Emins. The shitty bungalow has 14 rooms, but not all have their own radio. If Jack is working in the kitchen but only has half her radios on, how many times will she need to rinse her beans?"

 

[Stickybeaker33]

I wanted to let you guys know I’m something of a songwriter myself. I just wrote one and I’m super shy but thought I’d share.... actually this is a bit more of a spoken word type thing but here goes

Jack

Are you rich?
Are you poor?
Are you howling on the floor?
Do your followers give you money
For awful recipes?
Is it not really quite enough
to buy your livers and your peas?
It seems that what you really want
is a place to call your own
A little place for you and SB
Your “forever home”
Well Jack I have some news for you
You need to get a job
Stop scamming and tweeting bullshit
You annoying lying snob

 

[TurnedUpInTipp]

We had to get our puppy PTS due to fits that vet attributes to probable brain tumour .It broke our hearts in space of few days we lost our girl .My heart breaks that we were not with her at end because vet thought it would be too traumatic for us.She left being gently cuddled and held by vet while she put her to sleep.I still feel guilty she was not in my arms and if she wondered where we were vet reasurred us that she was "too far gone" by then but I miss her so much and feel I've betrayad her by getting another dog

Had to let go of my best boy 2 years ago. We laid together on his bed in the vets and I cuddled him into the great beyond.
I couldn't look at his photos, couldn't stroke another dog, wouldn't even talk about getting another because of the 'betrayal'..
Then one day someone on FB posted a pic of the saddest dog I had ever seen. Looking at him shocked me.
I looked at my best boy's empty spot and a week later I had a dog with the most awful backstory.
Now, I have the funniest idiot ever.
He's not my best boy. But he will be.
He's WAY too different but he's a delight and every time he overcomes one of his awful fears, it's just, well, I can't explain.
(He was starving, he has cigarette burn scars and old gunshot wounds)
Sorry.. Totally OT but I wanted to say something.

 

[Veronicaaa]

Aren't we all.

 

[Froggies]

I haven’t even got past page 1 so forgive me if this has been said but....

the furlough scheme/help for the self-employed was to help those who couldn’t work during lockdown...Jack had a slot on DKL, this morning, her Hellman’s bollocks and released a book. Why the hell does she think she deserved help from the tax payer as well?

 

[Emmapism]

'I can't afford butter!' sobbed Jack, wiping her eye with her Burberry scarf.

'If only there was a way for me to get myself out of this wretched poverty!' she cried, as the weirdo tweeted into her second phone.

 

[Alansbigplate]

Jack is Jay from the inbetweeners
Outrageous lies
Back peddles but never admits the truth
Has done everything
All together now “completed it”

 

[Veronicaaa]

The tide will turn, there's only a certain amount of time a narcissist can fool people. She's digging a huge hollow hole for herself.

Case in point -

 

[Veronicaaa]

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE FFS

 

[Veronicaaa]

Lovely in-depth recipe here ....

 

[Stinkyminky]

So, for the last few weeks and months, Marcus has been busy fighting for meals for children. Jamie Oliver has been passionate about trying to keep UK food standards. And Jack’s been begging for Patreons by promising postcards of slop at a tenner a pop.

 

[Geetbo]

"I don't need money. Please don't offer." What an absolute beg. I am not in the mood for her shit this day.

 

[Pocahontas]

*famously frugal* - firstly, famous to whom exactly? Secondly, I wouldn't call putting the heating on in August when it's 15 degrees frugal.

Jack, SELL THE EMIN!

That would be a great thread title (I never suggest thread titles but this would be so perfect). Disingenuous creature.