JoyceDivision
Chatty Member
Woohoo celebrating my first year cancer free and my first thread title, this week has been BUSY!
Such an honour, thanks very Matt much
Such an honour, thanks very Matt much
- Notice
edinburghcastle
Member
The film would have been great, I can see it now. Ruby Rose sliding down the pole in full firefighting gear. Miserably being measured by a tailor for her passing out parade, Michael Caine bent at her knee with a tape measure. 'Traazers? On a bird?' He spits out his cigar in disgust. 'Chief likes a broad in stilettoes.' Etc..
LavaFlake
VIP Member
Welcome to Slop, Southend. Food served when I'm not BUSY, okay?
Entree
Five fat cloves of garlic delicately roasted in a Russell Hobbs 700 Watt microwave
Starter
Grated baked bean ephemera served with a tomato sauce jus and plenty of cracked black pepper
Main
Dehydrated horse spunk lasagne, swimming in blended kidney beans. Served with a side of frozen spinach marinaded in bottled lemon juice
Dessert
10 malted milk biscuits, stacked with biscoff spread, mango chutney and a sliver of marmite
Now fuckoff x
Entree
Five fat cloves of garlic delicately roasted in a Russell Hobbs 700 Watt microwave
Starter
Grated baked bean ephemera served with a tomato sauce jus and plenty of cracked black pepper
Main
Dehydrated horse spunk lasagne, swimming in blended kidney beans. Served with a side of frozen spinach marinaded in bottled lemon juice
Dessert
10 malted milk biscuits, stacked with biscoff spread, mango chutney and a sliver of marmite
Now fuckoff x
HarderFaster
VIP Member
So you... called Silver Linings a horrible person for mentioning her nails on a gossip forum but then thought it was ok to break the rules of said forum by taking the commentary direct to her social media?
Ok, then...
colouredlines
VIP Member
"Hello, police? This is Jack Monroe here. Food writer, activist, poet, TV presenter, occasional singer, voice of the working classes, mothe - oh shit, they've got away."
BlendedSlop
VIP Member
Well, it is her magnum opus and a seminal work of our time. It's only proper for it to be treated with the reverence it deserves.
------
The year is 2120.
The Earth has been ravaged by nuclear war, meteor strikes and solar flares.
The internet is a thing of the past, with history once again passed down through the oral teachings of a handful of scattered tribes.
In the sun-bleached ruins of a place once known, according to the old tales, as Southend, a lone scavenger in search of food stumbles upon a miraculously unscathed storage unit. The words "Cotswold Co. Ltd" are faintly visible through the thick film of dust.
Wrenching the doors open, the scavenger can barely believe the sight before him: one shelf entirely filled with tins of beans. The other, crammed to bursting with folders full of printed pages chronicling the wisdom of the scholars from the fabled land known only as "Tattle."
And right at the top of the pile, in a gold folder all of its own, he finds the single most important literary discovery in a hundred years. The first page simply reads "Potatoes, by Jack Monroe - age 32 1/4."
By the time he's finished reading, the scavenger - one of the few survivors trying to find his way in this broken world - has tears streaming down his aged, weather-beaten face.
"It's true what they say," he whispers to nobody, moved by the struggles of those who came before him and full of renewed appreciation for what little he has. "There's always someone worse off than yourself."
Now fuck off.
So she fucked up her greengage jam,
What a non-surprise.
But what’s she going to spread on the cheap wet ham?
A spatula of lies.
Oh no, look what I’ve done.
What a non-surprise.
But what’s she going to spread on the cheap wet ham?
A spatula of lies.
Oh no, look what I’ve done.
People-huv-tae-know
VIP Member
A mum died in Glasgow this week. She was living in extreme poverty and her malnourished baby was found with her, thankfully still alive. The mum lost her job after her limited leave to remain expired (she was from Uganda) and she was no longer allowed to work. How utterly heartbreaking for her family and especially her baby 
What a waste. Although the the reason why she has died has not been discovered, it is not deemed suspicious and I have no doubt that poverty and isolation played a part. This was a woman of colour living alone, a true single mum not eligible for state support and completely reliant on charity and volunteer initiatives. Where is Jackie when things like this happen? This ought to be 'up in her niche'. She should be taking a leaf out of Marcus Rashford's book and using her brief possibly genuine poverty experience to speak up for those who truly slip through the net and campaign for a better approach and handling of such cases. She should also follow through on her pledge to hand her platform over to women of colour who will understand so much better why migrants and refugees are deliberately neglected and are at risk of real poverty in the UK. It should not happen in the UK this day and age and Jack ought to be shouting it from the rooftops.
What a waste. Although the the reason why she has died has not been discovered, it is not deemed suspicious and I have no doubt that poverty and isolation played a part. This was a woman of colour living alone, a true single mum not eligible for state support and completely reliant on charity and volunteer initiatives. Where is Jackie when things like this happen? This ought to be 'up in her niche'. She should be taking a leaf out of Marcus Rashford's book and using her brief possibly genuine poverty experience to speak up for those who truly slip through the net and campaign for a better approach and handling of such cases. She should also follow through on her pledge to hand her platform over to women of colour who will understand so much better why migrants and refugees are deliberately neglected and are at risk of real poverty in the UK. It should not happen in the UK this day and age and Jack ought to be shouting it from the rooftops.
Silver Linings
VIP Member
We’re all in the bin, but some of us are looking at the stars.No one needs that many bins. I don’t even have a bin in the house and yet rubbish finds its way to the receptacle in an adjoining area...so the idea of a bin in each room which will no doubt be rammed and overflowing is just
Can’t believe I got sucked in on the bin chat. Fml.
Babysnark
Well-known member
Hello Fraus. I've been here since the early threads lurking under an alias and finally changing to my real self Babysnark after I worried about triangulation. I have at times posted utterly useless replies and added nothing to the thread.
I read you all every day but I'm always too far behind to properly get involved. Like some here I have bad mental health issues that affect my every day life. Every few pages of a thread I "hoot" at the comments here and other tattle threads which is something that is now rare for me.
The heady days of DKL are behind us. But I'm so glad we are all still here xxx
I read you all every day but I'm always too far behind to properly get involved. Like some here I have bad mental health issues that affect my every day life. Every few pages of a thread I "hoot" at the comments here and other tattle threads which is something that is now rare for me.
The heady days of DKL are behind us. But I'm so glad we are all still here xxx
colouredlines
VIP Member
Sorry, did you all miss that Jack posted the word LEGOS?? In plural??
This is the worst thing she has ever done, and I can only hope she will be banned from Denmark for life.
This is the worst thing she has ever done, and I can only hope she will be banned from Denmark for life.
Congratulations to @JoyceDivision for the thread title! Your first? 50 reactions 
Full title:
She’s got one hand refreshing Twitter, and the other one is playing the piano
Recap of thread #63
Jack’s going out. She wants the world to know, got to let the Cotswold show 
Oh Boy, she went out dressed to the nines to eat two meals, complete with a fetching cap and what looked to be a new teething necklace.
She’s been gifted some colourful Tiggy and Bo handbags that can achieve unheard of things for a handbag, such as carrying around multiple possessions. The bags also look bright enough to be used as some sort of beacon, or as an alert for help if lost while hiking.
She demonstrated her encyclopaedic knowledge of the Harvester salad bar menu, while at the same time warning of her potential judgment of choices - a thrilling ride if there ever was one. No update on whether or not she’s found her old name badge yet.
Full title:
She’s got one hand refreshing Twitter, and the other one is playing the piano
Recap of thread #63
Jack’s going out. She wants the world to know, got to let the Cotswold show Oh Boy, she went out dressed to the nines to eat two meals, complete with a fetching cap and what looked to be a new teething necklace.
She’s been gifted some colourful Tiggy and Bo handbags that can achieve unheard of things for a handbag, such as carrying around multiple possessions. The bags also look bright enough to be used as some sort of beacon, or as an alert for help if lost while hiking.
She demonstrated her encyclopaedic knowledge of the Harvester salad bar menu, while at the same time warning of her potential judgment of choices - a thrilling ride if there ever was one. No update on whether or not she’s found her old name badge yet.
For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):
Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack v Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/
Thread no 31 is the infamous thread on which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on page 17.
For anyone wanting to re-live the glory days of her 2 week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL): Threads 2-9
*** JACKISMS ***
Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:
Yes, absolutely x
Some other favourite Jack quotes:
‘Babe, same’
‘I did a chaos’
‘My maverick brain’
‘My sad little face’
‘I’m BUSY’
‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
‘I laughed up a lung’
One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. *She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts)*
To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time.
Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that.
Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)
We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.
During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.
Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.
Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.
Also:
Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.
We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.
Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack v Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/
Thread no 31 is the infamous thread on which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on page 17.
For anyone wanting to re-live the glory days of her 2 week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL): Threads 2-9
*** JACKISMS ***
Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:
Yes, absolutely x
Some other favourite Jack quotes:
‘Babe, same’
‘I did a chaos’
‘My maverick brain’
‘My sad little face’
‘I’m BUSY’
‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
‘I laughed up a lung’
One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. *She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts)*
To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time.
Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that.
Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)
We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.
During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.
Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.
Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.
Also:
- She grew up in a 5 bed (mortgaged/owned) house
- She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st
- Her dad's a fucking LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
- Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
- Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
- She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
- During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.
We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.
MancBee
VIP Member
I am pages behind after a day out. I've been BUSY OK.
I just had to add my comment to this one. My current partner has lost the sight in one eye after touching his eyes while gardening. He caught a microscopic parasite that is present in soil where feral cats live. He suddenly went blind without any warning a few days later. He was lucky that some sight has returned to one eye the other he is permanently blind in, nothing they can do. It is a version of the parasite tha we have all heard children going blind from, which is in dog poo. Cleanliness is so important.
She has pets that encourage other feral animals to visit her garden. To have dirty nails like that is, quite frankly disgusting. And her response that veg grow in the soil is stupid, they are prepared, cooked or, thoroughly washed before being eaten. She is just dirty.
panda_eyes
VIP Member
Looking at the "dressed up" photos again, she does look a little like she's off to do her early morning paper-round.
Begborrowsteal
VIP Member
Yeah, youre breaking tattle rules right there. Dont be a troll.
JoyceDivision
Chatty Member
#65: Dr Monroe - Green Gages and Ham.
IndigoStar
Chatty Member
Apologies to Pet Shop Boys fans, this has been fizzing around my head all day...
Some foods are better off squashed
There's a blender in my hand, food's about to get noshed
You think I'm mad too unstable
Washing all the beans and buying hammocks not tables
In a train station near Southend town
Called the police there's a fight going down
Tweet it all, delete it later
To a bin shop in a Westwood gown
In Southend town a Patreon world
The Jackolytes and Tattle fraus
In a Southend town a Smeg chilled world
The Jackolytes and Tattle fraus
Tattle fraus
Too many followers, not enough blue ticks
Faces on cook books, too many receipts
If when why what how much can you donate
Need a new house can I get a Denby plate
If so, give some more
Which do you choose
A hard or soft boiled egg
(Used to lay them myself)
In a Southend town a Patreon world
The Jackolytes and Tattle fraus
In a Southend town a Smeg chilled world
The Jackolytes and Tattle fraus
Tattle fraus...
Some foods are better off squashed
There's a blender in my hand, food's about to get noshed
You think I'm mad too unstable
Washing all the beans and buying hammocks not tables
In a train station near Southend town
Called the police there's a fight going down
Tweet it all, delete it later
To a bin shop in a Westwood gown
In Southend town a Patreon world
The Jackolytes and Tattle fraus
In a Southend town a Smeg chilled world
The Jackolytes and Tattle fraus
Tattle fraus
Too many followers, not enough blue ticks
Faces on cook books, too many receipts
If when why what how much can you donate
Need a new house can I get a Denby plate
If so, give some more
Which do you choose
A hard or soft boiled egg
(Used to lay them myself)
In a Southend town a Patreon world
The Jackolytes and Tattle fraus
In a Southend town a Smeg chilled world
The Jackolytes and Tattle fraus
Tattle fraus...
Are you Eamonn Holmes?Yes, I am not Louisa BTW, or Allegra, or indeed any past fiancees of Jak
TheDragonWithAFlagon
VIP Member
Will you lot all get out of my song lyrics and Moon Phase niches?
When I look back upon my wives (well, they would have been)
It's always with no sense of shame
I've never been the one to blame
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too
It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a bin
It's a bin
Everything I've ever done
Everything I ever do
Every shop I've ever been
Everything I've ever blended, too
In the bin
At school they taught me how to be
Truthful in thought and word and deed
I didn't quite succeed
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too
It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a bin
It's a bin
Everything I've ever done
Everything I ever do
Every train I've ever been
Everywhere I'm going to
It's a bin
Patreon, forgive me, I tried not to do it
Turned over a new leaf, then tore right through it
Whatever you paid me, I didn't admit it
Tattle, you fought me, 'cause I didn't care
And I still don't understand
So I look back upon my life
Never with a sense of shame
I've never been the one to blame
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too
It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a bin
It's a bin
Everything I've ever done
Everything I ever do
Every Cotswold I've ever had
Everywhere I'm going to - it's a bin
It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a bin
It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a bin
When I look back upon my wives (well, they would have been)
It's always with no sense of shame
I've never been the one to blame
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too
It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a bin
It's a bin
Everything I've ever done
Everything I ever do
Every shop I've ever been
Everything I've ever blended, too
In the bin
At school they taught me how to be
Truthful in thought and word and deed
I didn't quite succeed
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too
It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a bin
It's a bin
Everything I've ever done
Everything I ever do
Every train I've ever been
Everywhere I'm going to
It's a bin
Patreon, forgive me, I tried not to do it
Turned over a new leaf, then tore right through it
Whatever you paid me, I didn't admit it
Tattle, you fought me, 'cause I didn't care
And I still don't understand
So I look back upon my life
Never with a sense of shame
I've never been the one to blame
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too
It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a bin
It's a bin
Everything I've ever done
Everything I ever do
Every Cotswold I've ever had
Everywhere I'm going to - it's a bin
It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a bin
It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a bin
instacharlie
VIP Member
Jack - Whatever bin you choose, make sure it's big enough for you to get in.
The end.
The end.