Jack Monroe #64 One hand refreshing Twitter, and the other one playing the piano

[blurstoftimes]

We need a list of all of jack’s partridge moments. My personal highlight is when she dismantled the coffee press in Edinburgh.

 

[GrunkaLunka]

I would love to visit her restaurant, it would be hilarious. However, I think a mass Tattle meal would be easy to spot as none of us would eat anything and we would just be pissing ourselves laughing the whole time.

With regards to her dirty nails, yes when you've been gardening they do get grotty. But you're not gardening NOW Jack, in fact you're handling food. It's gross.

And just to refer back to that (what seemed to be a nice supportive comment) tweet where she replied mentioning the coven. Why on earth did she think it was us?! But carry on Jack, every time you mention us a few more people will Google out of curiosity. If you Google "Jack Monroe coven" our lovely faces all pop up to welcome new members and serve them tea.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

Sorry,didn’t know that rule.

Its there as you sign up. You cant give out grief to members, not directly apologise for it, and then gloat about trolling over the very same thing. Thats not how it works.

 

[Mel Donte]

Jack Monroe #65 - Whimsical tales of childhood jam, the 90% vegan with her cheap wet ham.

 

[BeautifulTrauma]

That business card has me HOOTING

It’s a misaligned picture of a heavily tattooed hand holding a posy of flowers. She’s sending things like she’s a little Etsy shop yet didn’t even send a packet of Haribo with the order. And the AUTOGRAPH. Who does she actually think she is?

Saying that I’d pay good money for Celery, Edinburgh.

 

[crystaleyesd]

View attachment 223853

She's...going to shove old cereal boxes down the side of her bed and use them as bins? Doubtless for all the cheese, butter and mackerel noodle discards that she SNARFS in bed

 

[Silver Linings]

 

[Oofadoofa]

MONROE’S SOUTHEND SUPPERS, OPENING HOURS

Mon to Thu - 19-22*
Fri to Sun - CLOSED**

*Subject to change if otherwise BUSY
**Am BUSY (no day off in 8 years)

 

[ChickenPorridge]

What's she on about "cooking again is a good sign'. Of what? Cooking in Edinburgh, cooking at home (polenta, the mess tin cake), she's always going on about cooking for the boy, she had a soup reducing on the hob for herself last week. So now we're simultaneously cooking and not cooking, as well as working and sleeping 22 hours a day, and not forgetting being a best selling successful author but also a poor, struggling freelancer. Got it.

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

Like this:

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

From Instagram Stories.

TL;DR She's making jam.

 

[Billybellend]

Good morning, Cabal! It’s been a long, heartbreaking and knackering week at Bellend Towers. If only there was someone who could make me a bowl of roadkill innards, with a vague promise of opening a restaurant

Well, pickle my plums, dip them in coffee grounds and kiss them with an orange....there IS!! My life is complete.

 

[BlendedSlop]

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View attachment 224918View attachment 224919

Happy to help Jack:

1. Rinse them (the most important step)
2. Rinse them again
3. Boil to death
4. Add Marmite/Biscoff spread/polenta/custard creams/cheap, wet ham/lemon curd (any combination of the above will work, just use your maverick instincts!)
5. Season with plenty of (bottled) lemon and pepper
6. Pulverise them in your high-end blender of choice until the finished result looks like it's already been digested at least twice
7. Take photo while cradling bowl lovingly (using tongue, obvs)
8. Sell said photo for £14.99 to mugs with more money than sense

 

[Silver Linings]

I wonder when she’ll tie instagram in with a moody b&w shot of a bin. I also wonder how many followers this riveting escapade will lose her.

Jack - I need a new bin.

Twitter - [Tommy Lee Jones in The Fugitive screaming ‘I. Don’t. Care.’ gif.]

Jack - Whatever bin you choose, make sure it's big enough for you to get in.

The end.

Jack Monroe #65 Get in the bin.

 

[LavaFlake]

I'm sorry but that risotto looks like something I spewed up in uni after drinking too much boxed red wine. Also wow 75g of risotto for one? Gee thanks Jack, I would never have thought to Google what the portion size for a single serving was.

Massive love as ever to our chief librarians @Silver Linings & @Marmalade Atkins for archiving Jackie's ridiculous social media content.

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

I noticed this yesterday but just rolled my eyes at it:

 

[colouredlines]

I just went down the Mumsnet AMA rabbit hole out of abject boredom, and came across this...

Perhaps I'm losing it, but didn't her mum claim at some point that JM had begged to get the birth marks removed? She's making it sound here like it was done against her will.

There are so, so, so very many versions of the same stories with Jack, no wonder it's impossible to believe anything she says.

She can't swim because of birthmarks? But...last week she couldn't swim because she's a physiological marvel who LITERALLY sinks, no?

 

[BeautifulTrauma]

Piping up to say.... she’s lying
I don’t believe for one minute that happened. Apart from anything else, her calling and reporting wouldn’t have been the end of her evening. She would have had to physically see a police officer to submit her evidence (phone recording), you don’t just get that done in ten minutes. She would have had to make a written statement, too. If it was a minor being attacked, what with all the county lines shit etc there’s no way she’d have just, what? Popped them an email with the video attached? No. Doesn’t work like that.
What a bullshitter she is. She makes me sick.

Im with you here @PoorPatrol. About two and a half weeks ago I was in a car accident. A car came out of a side road into my path and they legged it, I was trapped under the airbag with two broken ribs. They were unlicensed, uninsured, stolen car, no tax blah blah.

The little bastards legged it, three of them while I was trapped. Anyway, when it happened the police came immediately and I couldn’t leave in the ambulance until I’d given a statement and the police had recorded the scene. If what Jack says happened had happened she would’ve had the police at the next station and the whole journey would have stopped while the police sorted everything out.

As usual...

 

[MancBee]

I've never used a slow cooker so I don't actually know - but I can't see how a jam is going to thicken in one? Isn't it just going to come out as overly sweetened slop?

Jam making is one of my things. There is no way that you could get the temperature high enough to get the rolling boil you need to get a good set.

(Homemade jams, chutneys and curds are what I give for Christmas gifts. It is what I can afford and it always seems to be gratefully received. )

ETA why would you bother with a slow cooker anyway? It takes no time on the stove top. My picked from the riverside apple and blackberry jam is bloody lovely. Bramble jelly made too, but not yet sampled. I am waiting for some greengages. My partner lives in a part of the country where there are loads of abandond greengage orchards. They were abandoned when they went out of fashion. No Waitrose for me, whispered or not. Hope that isn't too much of a help with the triangulation.

 

[Veronicaaa]

She's going to blog about using old boxes as bins? Am I missing something here?