It's a new week, which - shockingly - brings a new video from Ruby. We're apparently in for a real treat, if Ruby's Insta story is to be believed:
She's apparently been working on this video for a long while. The inference being that she doesn't put any effort into her videos usually, which, while obvious to anyone with eyes or ears, is nice to see her vaguely admit.
She throws up a 'see no evil' monkey emoji, which to Ruby could mean anything from 'I paid so little attention while editing that I haven't seen any of this video myself yet, I wonder how it turned out?' to 'I was pepper-sprayed moments ago'. The one thing it likely
doesn't mean is that she's embarrassed by whatever she's crapped out onto her channel today. Self-awareness and shame elude Ruby like a greased ferret; maybe one day she'll get a firm hold of them.
The first thing we notice is that this video is
sixteen fucking minutes long.
Ruby is constantly apologising for her vlogs being too long at circa 10 minutes in length and truncates them into pointless, half-assed montages and exposition as a result, but she's happy to make a video nearly double that if it's nothing but body-checking footage.
The insane battle cry of "HELLO IT'S ROOBEE!" comes in at twice the volume as usual, contrasted by the distracting static background noise. This might seem like inconsistent sound levels, but that can't be the case - Ruby said she'd put a lot of time into this video, unlike her others. With twice the effort comes
DOUBLE THE VOLUME.
While it might seem to the untrained ear to be terrible audio production, the manic screaming of Ruby announcing that she has arrived in a video posted on a channel devoted entirely to videos featuring only her, over the crackling noise of static, is an aural metaphor for how we should all rise above the mundanity of life and be the main character in not just our own story, but everyone else's, too.
"This follows a lot of questions that I
have?...GOT?...over the past year about the clothes that I wear," Ruby claims as she squints in pained confusion, seemingly suspicious of her own stilted words and alien cadence, as if her sentences were being spoken by at least four people inhabiting the same brain.
Who asked these questions? Other students? The fashion police? Concerned bystanders worried that there may be a roving, escaped mental patient roaming the streets when they see Ruby wandering Exeter dressed like a deranged, time-travelling Halloween skeleton? Ruby never reveals these secrets, and it's not just because nobody asked for this and it was borne of Ruby's narcissism and need to inflict her body-checking on people, not at all.
After a barrage of old, recycled footage of Ruby dressed like she's robbed the lost and found of several museums and put on stolen clothing items from multiple eras of history all at once, she shows herself knocking on the wall and listening for signs of life.
This is presumably Ruby checking that Blakeney is still alive after she was sealed in the crawlspace as punishment for defying Ruby's mandatory schedule for them both.
After a scattered glimpse into Ruby's insanity, it's time for her to reveal her outfit essentials.
But wait! "When I say essentials, it does
NOT mean that these items are essential," Ruby says passive-aggressively, with a forced, cheerful grimace. She's quit the stern Harrison Ford finger-pointing, but like a smoker chewing gum to help them kick the habit, Ruby has replaced one compulsive hand gesture with another.
She now punctuates each word by grasping at the air, like she's catching the precious dust permeating her room, or rehearsing to play a cartoon Italian chef.
"These-a outfits, they so-a
bella, no?
Ahh, they just-a like-a my mamma used-a to make, eh?
" Ruby probably said in her first, discarded take of this, as accordion music played in the background.
We never actually see the gun being pointed at Ruby's head by the person who forced Ruby to put the word "essentials" in her video title even though it is apparently so irrelevant to her video that she felt the need to snarkily pre-empt any negative comments, but this armed captor must be around there somewhere. Otherwise, why would she do it? Clickbait? The ego-centric need to assert the things she does, owns and wears as the ideal default that everyone should strive to imitate? Ruby would never... (
Psst, it's totally that.)
I guess if she removed the word "essentials" from the title, nobody would know what the video were about, huh? I mean, "Outfit Ideas & What I Wear in a Week *dark academia*"? What's that video about? Lawn care tips? The history of Soviet Russia? Who knows? And how is Ruby supposed to know that there are words like "staples", "mainstays" or "basics" that are closer to what she claims she wants the word "essentials" to mean? It's not like she's a third year English lit student and self-professed bookworm or something.
God, people, get off her back!
Ruby stresses that she was very hesitant to upload this video as she would never want to encourage anyone to buy clothes or things they couldn't afford or didn't need. This despite constantly advertising and lying about expensive products and clothes being her favourite things, even though she never uses them, in order to convince impressionable children and cash-strapped students to buy them.
Ruby even put up a disclaimer. See! So thoughtful and diligent. Ruby recognises that she's in a privileged position to be able to shop and pay for all the things she owns - the heavy implication being that she actually bought and paid for the things she owns, neglecting to mention that most of it was gifted to her by brands she advertises.
"I wouldn't say there's a name for my style," say Ruby, because she's unique and special, before immediately claiming that her style is totally
DARK ACADEMIA Ruby stutters over the word - "acad--d--
EEmia" - as though having to remind herself not to keep pronouncing it wrong.
She then shows the wardrobe item that best showcases her "dark academia" style, and perfectly encapsulates the aesthetic: the long nights of obsessive studying; the murder, mystery and intrigue; the allure and danger of secret societies; the privileged decadence behind ivy-covered boarding school walls...
A tan-coloured kitty beret.
The epitome of
DARK ACADEMIAand not at all exactly the hat you'd expect the snooty rich girl bully in a middle school kid's movie to wear.
Ruby shows the full outfit, which is an ensemble worn only when you are scheduled to go fox hunting but desperately need to pay exorbitant amounts for your student food shopping first (Waitrose pictured in background).
Ruby claims she's been wearing the dark academia style since she was 12, which she proves by showing several outfits that are decidedly nothing like the aesthetic.
In Ruby's mind, a collared shirt, a cardigan, a blazer or some shorts makes any outfit fit the dark academia aesthetic.
Again, Ruby worked on this video for a long time. We're reminded of this by her inability to create any kind of suitable title inserts for the video, and learning video editing skills would take time and effort, so she just scribbles on a back issue of The New Yorker instead.
Oh, wait, she's not done...
Ruby got bored of ruining her prized back issues and decided to waste some blank paper, too, for a miss-matched style that looks both low effort
and low quality. Lots of time and effort spent on this video, and it's all there to be seen on-screen.
From here on, it's just a lifeless Ruby fashion show, and I'm not going to give her the benefit of reposting all her body-checking bullshit images here, so we'll just focus on the standout stupidity.
Of all her daft tops, Ruby's favourite item at the moment is her Aesthetic London blouse, which was gifted to her, though she makes zero mention of this because she paid for everything, remember?
It's hand-made and "
super sustainable", as opposed to
regular sustainable - Ruby never clarifies the difference, but considering her definition of "sustainability" is "be as wasteful as possible", it's anyone's guess.
She loves it so much that she couldn't be bothered to iron it, or more likely just doesn't know how.
Although her undeclared free advertising is in vain, as she gets the name wrong and calls the company "Aesthetic
a London". Whoops! No more free blouses for you, Rubes! You're on the naughty list!
Ruby should have gotten the name right, since she saw fit to include them in the products list of her description, where she says they're non-affiliate links, but again avoids mentioning that it was a gifted product.
Onto the bottoms, and Ruby loves her "beige checked-shecked shhkirt" - has Ruby been supping upon that demon ethanol, or could she just not be bothered to rerecord the line after fumbling over her words? It can't be the latter - don't forget, she spent
so much time on this masterwork!
She loves a tweed jacket as it's "so easy to throw on top of anything". That's generally how all jackets work, Rubes.
After filming most of her outfits in front of the same white wall in her house, Ruby's decided that this room isn't quite filthy enough, and her unwashed, unironed clothes weren't dirty enough, and decided to just throw her clothes on the dusty, unwashed rug in one of the many other grimy rooms of her house.
Ruby claims that all the items she shows are all of the same style, and all the same colour palette, which explains a lot about her always looking like she got dressed in the dark using clothes from the attic of disgraced Tory royal.
In Ruby's mind, a yellow rubber rain hat, a tweed jacket, a school blouse with half a cape hanging off it for some reason, a priest's stole with a cat on it, a pair of blue shorts and some Doc Martins would make a cohesive outfit.
Ruby spends what feels like five years rambling about how her choice to not wear jeans is fine and people should accept it, even though Ruby's the one who keeps going on about it. This insane diatribe is soundtracked by random, soothing piano music and is punctuated by some old, silent footage of Ruby yelling at the camera like a lunatic:
Thanks to the joys of lip reading, we can tell that Ruby says: "
YOU ARE NOT MY MOTHER!" Evidently her mother really wanted Ruby to start wearing jeans on the day in question, I guess.
Ruby constantly mentions that the clothes she insists on wearing "crease
very easily". Unfortunately there are no inventions yet created to remove creases from clothes, but modern science and technology may one day provide a breakthrough.
While Ruby's trying on everything she owns, all of it unwashed and unironed, we hear heavy coughing in the background. Ruby put a lot of time and effort into this video, don't forget, so there must be a reasonable explanation for her including the distracting, disconcerting sounds of her mother hacking up a lung in an adjoining room.
Ruby stares ahead with cold, dead eyes, showing no visible concern that her mother is seemingly dying from the 'rona nearby. Maybe if Mother Granger hadn't pressured Ruby to wear jeans, she might be a bit more worried.
"YOU--and you will have a lot of these items, I think, in your wardrobe already." Sure, hold on Rubes, let me grab my Paddington Bear hat and Sherlock Holmes coat to pair with my kitten collar and random ascot. They're around here somewhere.
After Ruby's seemingly endless body-checking fashion show of creased, dusty shit she had in her wardrobe/attic, she runs out of footage and does her new favourite thing of grafting a completely different video onto it. It's time for a 'What I Wore in a Week' bonus video!
"It's important to normalise wearing outfits regularly," Ruby says, having clearly not interacted with a social group for any period of time to see that this is already completely normalised. Outside of celebrities, fashion shows and fictional TV shows, wearing the same outfits or items of clothing is completely normal, and almost everyone happily does it without judgment.
Most people can't afford to buy shit they never wear, or get endless clothes for free from brands. For all Ruby's lip-service disclaimers, she is clearly out of touch with reality and has no perspective outside her own bubble of privilege.
She punctuates her pointless, unwarranted ramble with her new favourite compulsive hand gesture:
"I cycle to campus," Ruby says smugly, despite this being something we've never seen her do, and her taking no bicycle to uni with her.
She must be telling the truth, though, as her Monday outfit to cycle to campus through the busy streets of Exeter includes what is most definitely a bike helmet:
Her Tuesday outfit includes her
"ASS-thetic
a London
" sailor neck top. Aesthetic London will most definitely stop sending Ruby things now for advertising this random brand instead of theirs.
It's important to wear something nice, Ruby says, because this means you're telling yourself that the day is worth something. Ruby rambles about normalising the things important to her own sheltered imagination, but if anyone else wear the things they like and are comfortable in, their day is meaningless.
If you're a labourer wearing jeans and a high-vis jacket or a nurse wearing hospital scrubs? Your day of stressful, hard work and back-breaking labour was a complete waste and served no purpose, because you weren't dressed like a quail-hunting French pirate. Learn from Ruby instead - we need to normalise wearing only the things that Ruby likes, so that everyone can feel as productive as her.
"I also
ALWAYS wear this scarf, like, every single outfit I will wear this week I'll wear it with," Ruby says, because wild, embellished lies are second nature to her. She couldn't just say "I like this scarf a lot and wear it fairly often recently", it has to be "I ALWAYS [Insert thing Ruby never does]".
Out of curiosity, I looked over her Instagram, and this scarf that she ALWAYS wears is worn in zero outfits for at least the past several months. And contrary to her claiming to wear it with every single outfit that week, it only appears that one time.
Speaking of lies, Ruby bemoans that - before buying some expensive ones - her tights used to get ladders in them and she had to throw them away immediately. This despite her going through an embarrassingly long period of wearing torn, laddered tights in most of her sponsored posts. But if you're going to buy sustainable tights, they have to be wool. Because Ruby's definitely vegan, honest.
And because lies are the order of the day on Ruby's menu of life, note how she only has one outfit for each day, despite all her dubious claims that she changes her outfits numerous times a day whenever she makes a 'daily routine' video that's blatantly filmed across multiple days. Where are all the random mid-day outfit changes here, Rubes?
"Where do I get my clothes from?" Ruby asks herself.
"I buy my stuff second-hand," she lies, with an 'Isn't it obvious? Don't you wish you could be as wonderful as me?' smug shrug.
No mention of all the Miss Patina fast fashion. No mention of the John Lewis tights. No mention of the sheer abundance of gifted clothing, including the Aethetic London top that she tries to name-drop twice in this video.
Ruby preaches about sustainability while only lying about practicing it herself, and has and will continue to advertise clothing brands as long as they're willing to give her free clothes and/or money.
Her false preachiness causes her to fall off the stern pointing wagon as she stressed that we
must take care of our clothes, just as Ruby does by soiling them, staining them, rubbing them all over the filth-covered floors of her home, then shoving them unwashed in a cupboard to be ravaged by dust and moths.
After an ad for gifted laundry soap, which Ruby clearly never uses, that's all for another video.
The effort on display here was definitely evident - no second takes, no consistent audio, all recorded in two locations across a couple of afternoons at most, all in a clothing video containing no cleaned, ironed clothes. Ruby's done it again! Another masterpiece.
The main takeaways:
- Buy "TARTLENECKS". These appear to be identical to turtlenecks, but Ruby never clarifies the difference.
- Buy wool! All vegans do it, honest!
- Rain hats are very useful. Umbrellas are for losers. Protecting only the top of your head is for the great and gifted, as that's where the knowledge is stored.
- Wear nice things or your life is a worthless waste of time.
- All items of clothing go well together, regardless of their individual size, colour and style.
- Berets are a suitable substitute for bike helmets and will definitely protect your forehead in the event of a deadly crash.
- Do not buy jeans. Jeans are for commoners.
- Do not buy an iron.
- Buy sustainable clothing. Sustainable clothing means "absolutely any item of clothing that you want to buy but also feel superior about wearing".
WHERE 
