Narcissistic and toxic parents #2

[griftalo]

One of the things that made me doubt my own judgement with my mum and where I actually gaslit myself, was when she would get extremely angry if she thought that someone else had insulted or disrespected me. Because of this, I would think “If she gets this annoyed over someone else disrespecting me, then there’s no way she’s doing it to me - I must be imagining it all.” What I didn’t realise until much later was that, in her mind, her children were her possessions and hers alone to abuse. It wasn’t that she was offended for me, it was more like “How dare they use my possession - only I am allowed to play those games with my possession!” - like a child throwing a tantrum when they’ve seen someone else play with their toys. Realising this was a fairly sad lightbulb moment, but an important one in realising that I’m not actually imagining her behaviour.

All of this

 

[Nadia Vulvokov]

I'm finding it extremely hard in the last year, I don't know why. For all these years I have blocked it out, but now it's really, really hurting. Has anyone experienced this? The abuse has really messed me up as a person, I have never been able to socialise, any loud bangs and my heart races. I cant wear or touch a belt , it brings back painful memories. I used to hide under trees in the rain so I wouldn't be beaten as a child. Doors used to be broken down in the house and we would be whipped with a belt. I haven't spoken to anyone about this. It wasn't until this year that I realised how wrong that treatment was growing up as a child. Its like a voice in my head telling me then that I'm over reacting .

I'm so sorry. Have you thought about speaking to your GP? Sending you hugs x
---

I definitely do this! I block my mother out a lot now

It's amazing what our brains can do to protect us isn't it?

 

[rainbowlemon]

Thank you for all of the replies and support. It really does mean a lot.

I took a screenshot of the above and wil try that with my brother if he brings it up but he's stopped.

He goes back every weekend that he can. I haven't gone back in 5 months.

 

[Mollywobbles]

My dad put a note through my door at lunchtime which is TELLING me to sign something meaning I have power over his will if he becomes mentally incapacitated. He wrote that I MUST sign it in black ink and that he will collect when ive signed it. My dad is mentally absolutely fine apart from being a completed control freak obvs. I'm literally trembling which is the effect he has on me.

It’s probably just a power of attorney. It’s a good thing to have because if he is ill and unable to make decisions then you can do it on his behalf. But it has to be ratify the court, you can’t just take control when you feel like it.
If the worst happens it is a good thing to have and will make life easier

 

[alwaysdreaming]

@alwaysdreaming hope you have a lovely day tomorrow

Thank you soo much ! That’s very sweet. I wish you a wonderful day everyday.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

I completely agree with this! Don’t let a bullying family take it from you.
Oh and change your number too

Thank you, I wasnt sure whether they need my number for me to receive my inheritance? I'm not sure how it arrives.

 

[Maid22]

@Chandler Bing how are you lovely?

 

[Bettyboo2475]

They said if she doesn't then I can apply to have her removed as executor which obviously would cost more. They were very nice and honest about everything and they knew their stuff. They said I could wait until I receive the money before I pay but obviously I don't know how much I am due.

The £1800 is to pay for a letter to be sent to her telling her that I am requesting my share, informing her of her obligations as executor and requesting the accounts.
Then they will work out how much I will receive.

They also said that I could write to her myself and tell her that I am requesting my share. They said if she ignores me or refuses then they'd pick it up from there. But in all honesty I wouldnt know what to write, especially as I'm now no contact,and I'd risk my dad getting in touch.

Eta they also said that she had not used a solicitor for this but is doing it all herself using an online system and there is a risk that she has spent/ will spend it (but that she would still owe me.

I'm so sorry. They can never take away what you had with your gran. It really is hard to stay no contact when put under pressure, I'm realising that I keep being hooked back by being told my parents are poorly

 

[KirstyC]

New to this thread but just wondering how you guys have coped with a narc parent when can’t just cut off contact with them? My mother is the narc but my dad is a wonderful person and my young daughter doesn’t see my mothers narc ways and adores her so I couldn’t just cut contact for that reason.. but she’s becoming more and more unbearable and it’s grinding me down now. One minute she’s nice as pie and the next she’s really nasty, making lies up and causing me and my sisters to argue and fall out.

 

[alwaysdreaming]

My old man has finally died, I feel nothing, why should I? My oh keeps on asking how I am, he really doesn't understand that I don't care, I've had no contact for over 10 years, so he's been dead to me well before that.

Oh gosh I’ve just seen this. I dip in and out of this thread as sometimes I relive my trauma
Sorry to rehash just wanting to know I’m here.
It’s awful when you’re gaslighted. Now your waste it makes you furious. Don’t waste that energy. That’s what the fuckers want.
Your nasty family member who rang you could you not block him ?
Hope your dog is well?

 

[Bettyboo2475]

No I don’t visit. I do all of the admin - we have deputyship. I’m selling the properties, there are 2. It’s a full time job. And I already have one of those!
if I have to go I can’t eat, get a bad stomach & it makes me feel so ill.
how often do you go? X

I went once on my own, and was told not to come without kids next time as he wanted to see them more than me , been a couple of times and could quite happily not go again.

My mum is in a different home as she has Alzheimer's. I'd rather not see her either if I'm honest. My brother does all the admin for them. It must be very time consuming for you.

 

[rainbowlemon]

It's hard as well trying to make friends, I have a really hard time trusting people and I don't easily open up or instantly have fun with new people.

It's been 9 months of working with my new therapist. I know I don't fully trust him yet.

It might take time but you will trust when you do and trust has to be earned.

 

[Bettyboo2475]

How do you deal with other family members who criticise me for walking away from my neglectful parents? It's particularly loud around things like Easter and Christmas. I'm struggling a bit at the moment x

 

[Slaybutter]

@Jj2431 It sounds like by saying no to the party you’d be sticking up for your kids rather than putting them in the middle of a war zone. I think that taking them to the get together when he’s not treated you well, or them, sends an unhealthy message. Instead of attending, you could find other activities that will engage your kids in the community and will enrich their lives for years.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

I've just had the nastiest phone call ever, why are your so called family so nasty? I've been made out to be a liar, that really pisses me off, I don't lie and I remember stuff, but they've all changed what really happened, so it makes me look in the wrong, I wish they'd all disappear and never bother me ever again.

I'm so sorry that you've had to put up with a phone call like that. You can see the bullshit xx

 

[alwaysdreaming]

Thank you lovely, really hope your baby is ok xx
I wrote out a massive reply, just deleted it, too much stuff to share on here, such a shame we cant pm each other
I shan't be getting in touch with them, there's been too much damage and upset over the years

Ahhhh that’s so annoying when that happens.
I am here for you if you ever need to deal with anything.
I have found I can’t remember half of things that occurred to me if I had to tell you on the spot what occurred. Sometimes randomly I’ll have these flashbacks and I can’t believe what occurred and then I’ll block it from my memory. It’s how I survived my childhood I guess. No one at school knew how me and my siblings grew up. Everyone thought we had a great family.
Did you experience the same ? Have you blocked things from memory as a way to cope ?

I agree I wish we could PM. I wonder why that is?

I agree and totally understand your decision.
I am glad you are doing what’s right for you.
You have moved forward and there’s not point turning back. From experience no one changes and you owe no one nothing.
You may not have closure but you will have peace. ( I pray )
That’s the ultimate power.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

He's in a care home, and the last time we went was awful. He just has let himself go completely, I don't want to go or take my kids to see him like that. It's traumatic but my brother has left Easter eggs and a birthday card for my youngest there, don't know why he couldn't post them. So am being forced to go. My husband is coming too, I no longer want to visit either parent without him. After tomorrow I won't visit again. Have to do the same with my mum, same story completely. They want to see the kids, not me, never me xx

I'm glad you have your husband to support you I don't suppose husband could go in his own to collect them? Once you've seen them for the last time you can start to heal. I had therapy once I went NC and it helped a lot.

I don't understand the reasons for it, but I completely relate to them only wanting to see the kids! It's the same for me.

 

[Darvos]

I don’t know if this is of any use to anyone but this is on 99p Kindle Daily Deal today. Seems highly rated:

Amazon product

 

[TheGlossy]

I hope you don’t pay the fees again if they already owe you from last time! As you said yourself they are treating you like a bank.

By not consulting you about the date to sign the closure document, they have given you a get out here. Simply text a reply and say that the date and time isn’t convenient for you but that you are glad your brother is taking charge now. Therefore he can pay and you can extricate yourself from an ordeal that sounds like it’s caused you nothing but a great deal of time, stress and inconvenience!x

The thing is … there is nothing to be paid out of pocket for any of them. My mother has 5K stuck in probate for which release is pending signature of the closure document.

The notary fees were meant to be deducted from those 5K but my mother made a whole fuss over this. She essentially didn’t want the notary to be paid at all (which nuts) and the reason why she caused drama by wanting to switch notaries etc.

I made the offer to pay the fees so she could get the full 5K released to her account and close this chapter, but technically, she has zero to pay out of pocket (same for my brother). The notary fee is 1K which is rather standard for this type of process. It’s hardly life changing amounts.

In brief, I essentially made an offer to pay 1K when there was no real need for it. Huge mistake.

 

[Slaybutter]

@HitnMiss Thanks for understanding fingers crossed your community comes out!