Narcissistic and toxic parents #2

[PiesAndLattes]

New to this thread but I guess wanted to get opinions/ideas on parents keeping in contact with their children. I got to a point where I realised that it is very toxic for parents to say “phones are a two way street”. I have also realised that if I didn’t contact one of my parents I’d never hear from them. The other didn’t message me for Christmas until 8pm, same deal last year. I didn’t spend Christmas with this parent last year due to covid restrictions and this year because I was finally able to go interstate to where my other parent lives. I’ve kinda just given up / realised that I do not have to be the child maintaining contact and feeling guilty if I don’t call over the last 5 or so years.

For some context I live in the same state as the parent who didn’t contact me for Christmas and have for almost 3 years. They have never ever come to visit me at my house, only if they were in the area to visit their partners children. I also went through a break up in the depths of covid lockdowns and they did not visit (I thought understandably due to restrictions) but then they broke lockdown rules to help their partners family move house but didn’t come and visit to make sure I was ok.

I have alot of friends with very healthy family dynamics and beautiful relationships with their parents so these things are hard to discuss with them and get their thoughts on what could be considered “normal”.

 

[Bettyboo2475]

Thanks, my gran was in a nursing home and the fees took up a lot of the inheritance so there wasn't much left in the pot to inherit apparently. I'm beneficiary of 25% and my auntie has 75% now that everyone else has given up theirs (she would have had 50% anyway).

My other gripe is that they didn't even contact me to tell me she had died and id have been happy with some photos or brooches which were never offered.

I'm sorry, I agree, put the money to one side and let the emotions settle, ignore your family and remember you are entitled to what your gran left you.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Going through a really rough time at the moment - ex was abusive to my son so he stopped wanting to see him and now he might be taking me to court. My mum just phoned me and told me she doesn’t want to hear about it anymore. Said I’m making her feel poorly and asked me do I want to kill her. Never mind the fact that I feel poorly with the stress and live alone with nobody to talk to. I said I’m struggling and suffer with anxiety so she told me to go to the library and get a book then to distract myself. Also piled guilt on me saying I chose to bring my ex into their lives (I.e. my mum and dad). Yeah like I don’t know I made a mistake! Feeling really low right now.

I'm so sorry that you don't have a supportive parent who is there for you

 

[screamqueen]

I'm so angry for you!

Thankyou, Eugh I’m so frustrated they both did that!

I'm also so angry they've done this to you, I've had the guilt trips over the years, they don't work anymore. Why do they have to do this on times like xmas or birthdays etc, so calculating of them, hope you're ok x

Thankyou yes doing okay, cards went straight in the bin. It’s like they think the guilt trips will work when in fact they have the complete opposite effect. So very very calculating though when they choose to behave like this.

Thankyou both for your support hope you’re all doing okay and can enjoy yourselves over the holidays xx

 

[catchinguphere21]

Growing up , were you beaten as a child ?

 

[An anonymous]

I’m paranoid I think my mom is always upto something just to turn people against me so I’m left with no one.

 

[Maid22]

Did really well, went from July to January not speaking to him. He caught me on a good day just after new years, and I'd had a couple of drinks so answered the phone. I shouldn't have, the abuse was off the charts. Not spoke to him since and I really don't want to either, but unfortunately that comes at the cost of never seeing the rest of my family again. Every day is even more miserable than the one before. If i speak to him, I'm miserable, if I don't get to see anyone from my family, I'm miserable. I just can't win.

My friends dad died recently, at 95 years old. Amazing, lovely, proper family man. But all it did was make me think my dad is 70, if I have to go through another 25 years of abuse, I'll kill myself.

My husband's family and friends still after almost 15 years don't understand why i don't have a family and I'm so tired of the judgement that I'm considering divorce and just going away to live by myself. I can't do it anymore. Sick of my job too so I just spend every day dreaming of starting a new life abroad.

Just read this, am so sorry you're going through this ( you were so kind and understanding to me the first time I posted on here x)
Just wanted to check in to see if you're ok x

 

[klarakluckbag]

Update on my will situation (sorry ). Received an angry letter from my auntie telling me to send bank details for the share of her mother's will. It was actually worded as 'my mother's will'. Apparently we are forgetting she was MY grandmother.

Anyway I lost it and phoned her straight away and asked her why she has such a problem with me. She said it was my behaviour towards my father (her brother in law). Anyway she is adamant that it doesn't matter what he does but I should forgive him. So we agreed to disagree on that.

Anyway she will be sending over my share within the next couple of weeks. Just need to regulate myself as I've been shaking ever since I spoke to her.

Oh, I'm so glad that you're going to get your money without too much of a fight. Please ignore her rants, your relationship with your father is nothing to do with her. Not sure why she is inserting herself into your dramas, but maybe she has nothing else that is interesting going on in her life? Take your inheritance, and block her number. Who needs the stress?

 

[screamqueen]

Thank you I really appreciate that. And yes even just sharing that does help in a way.
I will definitely be sticking around, in a weird way knowing others are going through similar makes me feel like I’m not so alone with this. My husband is incredible and so supportive, but he can be a little frustrating as he always thinks just appealing to my dads better side will make him see sense. But narcissists don’t have a better side do they!

Glad to hear you’ll be sticking around - honestly, this thread has so many brilliant people on it and it’s such a comfort to know so many of us share similar experiences

Also very pleased to hear you have a supportive husband, it really helps. Sounds like his hearts in the right place to try and appeal to your dads better side, but I think it’s often frustrating to have someone see things from our point of view, particularly if they don’t have experience with a narc parent.

Hope you’re doing okay xx

 

[Readingismyhobby]

I’m a week in to barely talking with my mother after she went off at me on Good Friday over me merely proving that she was wrong about something. It was an innocuous tiff where I was able to prove that she was wrong about something really ridiculous. Then it turned into me apparently disrespecting her because whilst she was ranting at me, I was driving and told her to shut up because I needed to concentrate. I accept that I shouldn’t have said that but I was that taken aback my legs were physically shaking, I felt shaky and I just wanted her to stop so we could get home.

She then said that I’d ruined what was a nice day, how manipulative I am, pointing out all the things she knows I am depressed about. (I have severe social anxiety and depression), gaslight and accused me of doing all things that I hadn’t even done.

Next day, she comes to me and says “come on” to try and resolve the issue and make peace with me. No apologies over what she said. No acceptance that she was wrong. No sorry for saying all the things she knows really really hurt me. I apologised for telling her to shut up. Then asked her simply- do you accept you were wrong? I could have let it go but one of my main issues every time we argue is that she has no accountability for her role. “No because I don’t care”. I don’t care about it either but it’s the narcissism for never saying sorry for the most stupidest of things that I can’t move on from. So I asked her to please leave me alone as I don’t want to argue with her. I’m just done. I don’t have the energy or the headspace for it. She refused and then went off at me again. This time saying “let’s pretend we like each other” which again has really really upset me. She’s my mum- I bloody love her but for her to say that to me has just killed me.

Not sure why I’m putting this here really. Part of me is questioning whether I’m overreacting and should have just made peace when she told me to “come on” but then I don’t think I am? I think the reason it’s upset me so much is that I accessed CBT therapy to help my anxiety and depression and one of the main things I learnt from it was “would a person who cared for you say all of the negative things you think about yourself? Well, my own mother directly said all the things I’m insecure about directly to my face and clearly believes them to be true of me so it’s just affirmed everything I think about myself. I don’t think I can come back from that.

You have every right to protect yourself against your mother and her manoeuvres. I have had years of this attitude from my mother. I love her because she is my mother, but I certainly don’t like her. You deserve to be treated with respect. Being you mother doesn’t allow her to treat you like this.

 

[Ablemabel]

Thanks again yes ive had CBT before for different reasons and loved it! I always felt utter panic when I felt he was cross with what I was watching and went into fight or flight very quickly and either threw the remote down and stormed off or started shaking and panicking and fawning. I'm using the past tense because for the past few years I haven't touched the remote. He either puts a program on for us to watch, or the rest are his choices. The reason I dont touch it is because I'm avoiding any tension if i watch something he doesn't like. If rather not bother than risk him being cross with me.

I think I fear the actual feeling of fear, or the feeling of him not being happy with me. I feel I always have to prove I'm 'good'.

Are you a CBT therapist? You seem to know your stuff xx

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know a few people who are in a similar situation with their partners. I hate the idea of someone trying to control someone in this way, presumably due to insecurities. @cee-bee's advice is excellent.

 

[gc105]

Another massive rant needed here about my MIL!!!!

Husband & I been together almost 15 years, and have 2 young children together. My MIL has caused problems for years now, but the most recent issue has been the final nail in the coffin for me.

Over the years, there have been various disrespectful comments made towards me - including telling me she had thought I wasn’t good enough for her son, telling my family she’d be closer to her daughters children than mine & husbands children (whilst pregnant with our first child and her first grandchild), causing an argument days after the birth of our second child because we “hadn’t let her see her grandchild” - despite visiting in hospital and her cancelling a visit because of the weather!

The most recent issue though is the last straw for me. Without going into too much detail - she recently divulged information/concerns regarding another family member to my husband, who acted on this information, creating fallouts within their family. She also disclosed this information to MY mum and told her about these concerns. She was very unhappy when my husband said she needs to be honest with the family member about disclosing personal/confidential information to him, as it then would look bad in her. She then proceeded to further discuss the situation with my mum, telling lies about my husband in the process (saying he had given my MIL an ‘ultimatum, which categorically did not happen). When my husband addressed the issues with her (via a telephone call), she flew off the handle. Threatened to kill herself several times, said me & my family had “had it in for her for years” (which my husband even said is absolute bullsh*t) and that she is worried we will stop her seeing the kids.

Now, I personally believe what she said is emotional abuse and blackmail, and it is unacceptable and unforgivable IMO to say those things to anyone, never mind your own child. However, my husband wants to address the problems with her and maintain a relationship with her despite the continuous aggro and problems she has caused us. I’ve said I want nothing more to do with her as I feel what she said is unforgivable. She is a toxic, nasty person and not the sort of person I want around me or our children. I have explained to him I have bit my tongue on so many occasions in the past, and on each occasion the issue has just been swept under the carpet with no repercussions, hence why she feels she can get away with such toxic behaviour.

Any advice, as I don’t know where we go from here.

 

[Nadia Vulvokov]

I am a size 14 but my BMI means I am obese because I’m like 5’0.

Recently I was misdiagnosed with cancer and then re diagnosed with 2 chronic health issues. More recently I’ve had an unexplained seizure.

My mother has repeatedly made comments about my weight. She then said my “bad” diet probably caused the seizure. Obviously this is not the case and the specialist said that’s got nothing to do with it.

A family wedding is coming up and she’s made multiple suggestions that I maybe should lose weight. I’ve been on steroids for the chronic health issues which led me to gain a stone.

Last night she sent me the link to the saxenda weight loss injections and said “don’t take this the wrong way but why don’t you do this?”.
I haven’t suggested to her that I want to lose weight.

I have commented that the steroids made me gain weight but I even joked that I’d rather be a bit rounder and alive than skinny and dead.

I’m 37 and it’s really getting to me. If I retaliate/make a comment back it causes a world war and I cannot be bothered with the drama.

My husband wanted to send her a message last night but I told him not to.

Sorry, I really just needed to rant. I’m so sick of it.

I'm so sorry. This is awful. If you feel happy in your skin then that's all that should matter to a loving mother. Sounds like you have a supportive partner which is great. Please do not bow down to pressure from her to lose weight. You're a fully grown woman and it's none of her business. If you tried to talk to her about how it makes you feel would she listen? Do you have much contact with her? Backing off and minimising contact can work wonders for you MH.

Keep ranting as much as you like there are a lot of kind supportive people that use this thread. FWIW I resonate. I'm a size 12 / 14 a (but taller) and since my own narc mother had weight loss surgery she's making not so subtle hints about my weight. I just try and brush it off as I have ME which she pretends isn't a factor so somedays I can barely walk up the stairs let alone go to the gym! Anyway just wanted to say I hear you and understand. X

 

[Good Egg]

I had no idea this thread existed! I don't even know where to start tbh. I love my parents so much and they have always been so supportive of me and my sister. Even when we made decisions they didn't agree with, they always stood by us, so I'm so thankful for having them in my life.
3 years ago last month I met the man of my dreams and for a few months it was pure bliss. 4 months later we got engaged and we were so so happy. My family were a bit surprised, but were so happy for us and did a speech that brought tears to my eyes saying how happy they were to have F (my now husband) in the family. F's father on the other hand didn't even say congratulations. Only how his children (F and his sister) are what keep his mind occupied as he doesn't have a partner. I thought it was an odd speech, but brushed it off. We were supposed to get married a few months later, in August 2020.
F worked with his father, sister and brother in law and always had a difficult relationship with his father as everything always had to be his way. We were having a tough time planning the wedding because covid came along. He started battling depression due to all the family related issues and his father used that to his advantage as an excuse for us to not get married. He didn't want us to get married and convinced F he wasn't well enough to go ahead with a ceremony. He brought my dad into the picture telling him how unwell F was and to convince me to not go ahead. It was so so stressful.
We decided on a tiny civil ceremony at the castle where we got engaged. F told me on the day his father asked if he was sure.
We booked the religious ceremony for September 2021. F's sister filmed bits of our wedding and played it at their dad's birthday dinner. He was crying, naive me thought he was moved, but now I know they were tears of sadness.
Thankfully F improved and when his dad would start arguments, F started to answer back. His dad thought I was putting things in his head. He always hoped we'd split before our religious ceremony, so everything he needed from him wedding related, would be a huge issue. We found out my dad had cancer, he had emergency surgery and thankfully recovered. A few weeks before the wedding, my dad caught covid and didn't know if he could go to the wedding, it was so stressful. We did get married and my dad could go, but unfortunately it was a bit sad because all his family and guests barely spoke to us as F's dad and sister spread poison all accross.
As things were so bad, F was considering quitting.
We went on our honeymoon and 2 days after our return, F's dad said he'd take everything he bought for his son, should he decide to leave. He bought a house and car for F and his sister, so we thought we'd lose our home. Our worlds came crashing down. From then on, it was hell every single day. He told F how he's being manipulated by me, how he should get divorced, etc.
A few weeks later he fired F and we were so relieved to finally have some peace! But it's been 9 months and still no peace. Either he calls F using fake work related excuses and ends up saying awful things or has his friends call F saying how he misses his son. He told F he's welcome to come by as long as he goes alone. I just want peace! Needless to say this huge amount of stress causes me health related issues and so much tension in our marriage.
F's dad only purpose is to split us up. He's a dictator and such a horrible person. The husband of F's sister quit and left her because he couldn't take it anymore.
Just this week there was another attempt as it's our wedding annuversary next week and F is about to start his new job, so he's doing all he can to bring us stress!
He wants to have a relationship with F as if I don't exist, so he poisons him against me, but I refuse to let that happen. I exist and if there will be any type of relationship between F and his dad, I will be there, no matter how difficult it'll be for me. F is a family man and deep down has hope his dad would change. I know he won't, but I have to support him.
Why are people like this? It's so sad that people who are supposed to love their children hurt them so much.

What’s does your husband make of all this? What are his thoughts and feelings? TBH I’d be tempted to be as financially independent (however difficult THis May be) from him as possible and relocate and not tell him where you are going.
I certainly wouldn’t work for him.
He sounds very manipulative. Your wedding clearly wasn’t about him so he wanted to sabotage.
I really feel for you and your husband but hold on to the fact you have each other and why you got married. He is lucky to have you. It’s good you can see him for what it is.
Sending hugs in what must be a difficult situation

 

[Chandler Bing]

@Maid22 I have missed you too. I'm so sorry I disappeared, it just all got a bit too much.

How are you doing my lovely?

 

[Nonah]

My dad is a grade A cunt.

Just had an actual fight with him and the old bastards threatened to break my jaw, all because I told him to stop being a selfish drunken dick to my mum. If he died tomorrow I wouldn’t give a shit, waste of space.

Jesus. I hope you’re safe x

 

[griftalo]

So bit of a weird one but does anyone else’s mother triangulate (?) you with her dog??

To give some context, my mother has always used one of her children against the other. So for example, she would “boast” about my sister to me in a deliberately comparative and smug way, and then she would do the exact same thing (about me) to my sister. She would make us believe that the other child was the golden child and we’d actually end up resenting each other because each of us believed that the other was being treated better than us, except it was all false and orchestrated. My mother did this for years and seemed to enjoy - with a smirk - seeing us “jealous” of each other. When I started studying at uni, she said “I’m going to tell your sister that you’re actually lecturing there and have your own office!” (all lies). She also used to do this with my dad - she would put him down constantly and her goal seemed to be to make it obvious to him that she preferred her children. So my dad and I would be talking happily and she’d interrupt him and say, for instance: “ItsDatCuw doesn’t want to hear your crap. Apologise to her for talking such rubbish.”

Ever since my dad passed away three years ago, she’s been doing exactly this to me with that same intensity…except the other “golden” party is now her dog. So it’s the constant and very obvious/dramatic ways of letting me know that the dog is her favourite and her priority. Since I was offered a job at uni, she’s gotten worse. At first, she was all “proud” (for her own benefit obviously) and acting almost high, but a couple of days later she started being extremely cool with me and starting making a huge effort to praise the dog while I was there. So it’s (in a dull tone with a sigh): “Oh hi ItsDatCuw”, and immediately afterwards (in a happy tone to the dog): “Hello my boy! Hello baaaaaaaaby! (If he’s in the next room) I’ll be with you in a minute, love. Good boooooy! Who’s the best boy? Who’s mammy’s favourite? Lovely doggyyyyyyy.”

She will also say to me at random:

“I didn’t get you a birthday present because I had to get one for the dog. I LOVE that dog!”

“Sometimes I call him BABY!”

“If anything happened to him, I’d be LOST!”

“He (the dog) was your dad’s favourite child!”

The funny thing is that before my dad passed, she’d barely acknowledge the dog at all. It’s as though she needs two victims at all times: one to devalue and one to use to make the devaluation of the other seem worse? Wtf? It would be hilarious if it wasn’t so tragic and weird.

Not the bit with the dog but I suspect my mum did this with me and my sister. My brother was too much younger I think for it to be worth the effort but we both saw him as the golden child so maybe she didn’t need to.

 

[FlipFlop0706]

How did you get on today @TheGlossy x

 

[ItsDatCuw]

Well that's a very accurate description of my experience!

Uncanny isn’t it.

These ones especially relate to mine at the moment. Since I started a new job, she’s been extra bitchy and so “sick” that she’s on her last legs. As soon as she gets a bit of attention though, she’s suddenly better, skipping around and completely back to normal.

• When things are going well for you she seems to be going through a hard time.
• Mother gets reactive, snappy, cutting, or curt in her comments in an underhanded, undermining way. There’s a “flip” or “turn” when her behavior changes.
• Mother displays signs of jealousy, envy, or competition towards the daughter.

 

[nothanksbabes]

Highly recommend this.

For me, the narcissists in my life are my ex, and a former friend, not parents, but the patterns are the same. Some useful information and advice about how to deal with these people.