I’m planning my wedding and my Marc mother is, in typical fashion, making it all about her.
She’s been demanding about the guest list, disappearing about my choice of dress, domineering over how I want to do speeches, she’s been disparaging and inappropriate towards my father (who she’s divorced from). She’s even started to piss off my fiancée because she’s been domineering about his choice of tux/suit.
She sent me a long, long text message full of demands a couple of weeks ago. I honestly saw red initially.
I waited until I was calmer and less triggered, and then sent a reply that was very matter of fact “no I’m not inviting X, the guest list is final”, “I’m making a decision on y, I don’t need any input”, “I’m happy with my dress” etc etc etc. I asked that she didn’t make any more suggestions/demands etc.
Grey rocking, basically.
i received a text that was very apologetic. I think it might be the very ever apology I’ve ever received from her.
she said she was sorry she didn’t want to overstep, she will do whatever I want etc etc.
it’s completely shook me up. Partly because it’s not what I’m used to from her.
but mostly it’s because it’s the type of reasonable, empathetic, kind behaviour I’ve always *desperately* wanted from her. And I so badly want to believe it’s genuine. But deep down, I know she’s doing this to get on my good side, to get her way and to make sure she’s the star of the show on my wedding.
I’m used to her unreasonable,
crappy behaviour. It makes me sad but I have the tools and experience to deal with that. To cope with it and grey rock through it.
this nice side to her, I know it’s all a facade. But it’s harder to deal with her (weirdly!) when she’s being this way because 1. I’m not used to it and 2. She’s dangling the thing I really have always wanted most in the world, in front of me. A supportive mother.
just sharing I guess, in case anyone else experiences similar turmoil over this.
I continued to grey rock (“ok thank you”). Grey rock is the only thing that ever works with these types of people, meanwhile I got upset and sad and had a cuddle with my fiancé to help me deal with the emotions.
---
I can empathise
I always tell myself, I can be my own safe person. I can lean on myself. And a mother/parental figure isn’t the only person to love you. Focus on the love and supportive people who are in your life.
but yea, it hurts. When I’m really desperate for a parental figure, I’m just extra kind to myself. Heat myself up some tinned soup (because it was a childhood favourite and is just really comforting), have a cup of tea, put on an electric blanket and watch friends on the sofa with my dog.