Narcissistic and toxic parents #2

[Good Egg]

Thank you so much for your kind words, Good Egg!
My husband is such a good person that he believes his father could change as deep down that's what he wished would happen.
He stopped working at the family business 9 months ago and has been unemployed ever since. Needless to say that it has been quite the ride. But thankfully he'll start a new job next month, doing something he's always wanted to do with people he already knew, same age and really nice. I'm really hoping it'll be the beginning of a new and happy chapter for both of us.
His dad has said some truly horrible things to him, like if it had been someone else that had a son like him, they would've killed themselves, that he was going to disinherit him and that he'd pay my husband to remove his surname from his name. He hasn't forgotten any of this, but at the same time he always picks up the phone when he calls him, so it's always a matter of time until when is our next stress, which I find so disheartening. When I'm picking up the pieces from the last stress, a new one happens. And it affects my husband in the sense it brings out in him some traits his dad has, like short temper, etc.
I try to hold on to the good things we have, but at the same time, I really struggle to stay optimistic.

I think it’s normal to pick up traits unfortunately as it’s all they’ve known growing up. Does he see his Dad’s behaviour as wrong and does HE recognise when he speaks out of turn?

 

[Maid22]

Ahhhh that’s so annoying when that happens.
I am here for you if you ever need to deal with anything.
I have found I can’t remember half of things that occurred to me if I had to tell you on the spot what occurred. Sometimes randomly I’ll have these flashbacks and I can’t believe what occurred and then I’ll block it from my memory. It’s how I survived my childhood I guess. No one at school knew how me and my siblings grew up. Everyone thought we had a great family.
Did you experience the same ? Have you blocked things from memory as a way to cope ?

I agree I wish we could PM. I wonder why that is?

I agree and totally understand your decision.
I am glad you are doing what’s right for you.
You have moved forward and there’s not point turning back. From experience no one changes and you owe no one nothing.
You may not have closure but you will have peace. ( I pray )
That’s the ultimate power.

Thank you lovely, I'm always here for you too x. Hows your baby?

I get you about the memories, Ive tried really hard to block stuff out, but certain things will happen, and it reminds of something, was the same, everyone thought our family was great, nice home etc, but no one knows what goes on behind closed doors, it's the secrets and lies which I obviously didn't realise or know until I got older, i didn't know what the word love was until my oh said it to me.
Reading these threads really break my heart, how our so called 'parents' have treated us all, emotionally or abusive, my heart goes out to each and everyone one of you.

 

[Becca0888]

Thank you guys, means a lot to hear that, even if it is from two strangers

 

[FlipFlop0706]

My mum does this.

She’ll reappear and message/speak as if NOTHING has happened.

It must be their way of avoiding an apology? Maybe to turn things on you so it looks like you’re the one being difficult/ holding a grudge?

It completely dismisses your feelings.

I need to have a read about this grey rocking method as its been mentioned a few times.

Sorry I have no advice to offer but wanted to let you know you’re not alone.

It just blows my mind how one little word can be so difficult? Just apologise. I apologise for everything it’s ridiculous. Even if I haven’t done anything I end up apologising!!

I’ve really struggled with grey rocking as my default is literally just to accept when people treat me poorly and carry on to keep the peace. So then they do it again and again and the result? well here I am with depression and anxiety I joke but seriously.

Before I read about grey rocking, I was going to just give her the silent treatment but I’m glad I didn’t as that would be turned into me holding a grudge. Am struggling with it though.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

I’m so sorry for your losses.

I agree with the previous poster re: probate there’s always more than one executor to a will and often, the second executor is the firm of solicitors who’s dealing with the estate. Often, there’s a named individual within the firm too.

I know how stressful this can be and I really hope that you’re okay and can get to the bottom of it all.

Thank you so much . It annoys me that she has a solicitor who must be on her side if they've advised her to ask me to waive my inheritance. Because I can't afford one and I wouldn't be able to afford to lose money if it went to court.

 

[MyLittlePony25]

My paternal grandmother is like this also. My dad is the black sheep and always wrong and his brother is the golden boy and then I’m the worst out of my siblings, probably because I look like my mum (my parents divorced 27years ago!).

 

[cee-bee]

@cee-bee that is the sweetest post I’ve read on this site. I hope all those things happen for you

thank you I really hope so too!

 

[BWGossip]

My dad is like a dark hole whenever he is unhappy with you, he stops talking and make sure nobody is enjoying themselves. The last 2 weeks was supposed to be a family holiday, well it is, but everybody is walking on eggshells because for whatever reason my dad is in a mood (but god forbid he tells you what the problem is). If you do excatly what he wants then everything is great, but the second you aren't like he wants you to be, it's 'dark hole mode'...

How do you guys dealt with guilt when you first distanced yourself with your family? My dad is the 'toxic' one, but if I distance myself with him, it means distancing myself from my mum and brother too (we're all three very closed but I live away). Besides, they are in their 70s (I'm in my 20s) and not in the best of health, so part of me is like 'you should suck it up'. Also, my dad was the breadwinner of the family and I feel ungrateful (but I feel icky too because it feels like he buys me in a way, he usually gives money once he stops sulking).

Sorry for the rambling, I just thought maybe some of you would be able to give some advice because I'm lost

 

[knickerbocker glory]

I do at different times, the boy is quite steady so usually plain sailing. The girls, it chops and changes, the younger one though (almost 18) is the one which takes more effort generally.

Thanks! It's good to know I'm not alone. We seem to clash all the time. It just doesn't seem to get easier.

 

[MooBelle]

Sorry, but I just need to talk to people who understand.... It's been 2 years since I went no contact with my dad, which, once i'd come to terms with everything, has been peaceful! However today I received a letter from an aunt saying that she knows I no longer speak to my dad and when she asked him why he said "he doesn't know". She went on to say that if I dont tell her then she can't help me.

I have no idea why she thinks I need her help or why it's any of her business why I'm not speaking to him? I'm really upset to hear that my dad said he doesn't know why we don't speak. It almost feels like he's done nothing and I'm just a cruel person who is not speaking for no reason. Or that I went through all of that just for him to claim 'he doesnt know'. It absolutely broke my heart to go no contact but it was the right thing to do. This letter has taken me back to a bad place and my anxiety is off the scale

If I compare this situation with mine (been NC for 5 years with my family) Personally I would ignore the letter. If your aunt persists then just say that you don't wish to discuss it. It's hard but just don't get dragged in to a discussion because no matter what you will be the bad guy.
Your father saying he doesn't know why you went NC is probably to illicit sympathy from the family.
I hope you feel better soon x

 

[Drea1984]

No I don’t visit. I do all of the admin - we have deputyship. I’m selling the properties, there are 2. It’s a full time job. And I already have one of those!
if I have to go I can’t eat, get a bad stomach & it makes me feel so ill.
how often do you go? X

 

[AlwaysSummer]

Could you share if you have accessed therapy and found it useful for coming to terms with your narc upbringing?

 

[eppingforestbambi]

I have found a book, "Adult children of emotionally immature parents" by Dr Lindsey Gibson, very helpful in explaining a lot of these issues.

thanks for this! Ordering today

 

[Kittylover2019]

Hi! I'm really struggling at the moment. I have 2 children one who is in their mid 20's (who lives and works in London) and 18. The eldest I have never clashed with, the youngest I get nothing but arguments and grief. If I ask her to help at all, I get told no. What I think I'm asking is - do you get on more with one child and not the other?

I do at different times, the boy is quite steady so usually plain sailing. The girls, it chops and changes, the younger one though (almost 18) is the one which takes more effort generally.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

It’s probably just a power of attorney. It’s a good thing to have because if he is ill and unable to make decisions then you can do it on his behalf. But it has to be ratify the court, you can’t just take control when you feel like it.
If the worst happens it is a good thing to have and will make life easier

I've just looked it up. He's given power of attorney to my brother, but wants me to sign to be replacement power of attorney in case something happens to my brother.

 

[Readingismyhobby]

I had similiar earlier in the year got told I was being added to my parents, not asked, it had already been written up. I was shocked as I have had minimal contact for nearly twenty years and won't have a clue to anything financial or what they would want medically.

I’m in the process of getting a Power of Attorney. The people involved have to sign it. If you haven’t signed it then you have no legal (or other) obligation. If you’re signature has been forged that’s illegal.

 

[Bettyboo2475]

My father was a terrible husband to my mum- now passed- and worse dad to me. Adored my brother who is neither use nor ornament.
He is now in a care home after a stroke. Has been for 2 years.
He is self funding.
I have so much I could say about him.
He was an awful man.
Now we are losing our inheritance too. Which was mostly my mums money.
I feel consumed really with hate for him.
I can’t get peace in my head. I would really appreciate some of your advice

I'm so sorry. My dad is in a care home too. Do you visit? I struggle to be honest.

 

[Maid22]

I'm so sorry that you've had to put up with a phone call like that. You can see the bullshit xx

I'm still so angry, the lies that tripped out of his mouth. ,trouble is he's a nasty vindictive twat, I know this isn't over yet.

 

[Maid22]

@alwaysdreaming hope you have a lovely day tomorrow

 

[Slaybutter]

Does anyone here have a narcissist daughter in law? I would go no contact only I want a relationship with my grandchildren.

I could very well be alone in thinking this but that sounds like the subject for a different and maybe new thread.