Narcissistic and toxic parents #2

[HitnMiss]

Creating a new thread.

I've been lurking here for a while. I'm so sorry that we have ended up with parents like this.

I've been disowned by my nm as I called the Golden child out after he transferred all her money into his account. Every last cent. And I'm the one that gets the blame? I'm actually happier without contact but it still hurts.

Hugs to all that need one x

 

[rainbowlemon]

Following on from the last comment the grief and mourning for not having a normal family will always be there I think.

 

[cosytoes]

Still following on from the comments in the previous thread. The feeling of being lonely is different from being alone. I personally can feel lonely in a crowded room full of “family”
I am very insular and obviously not the golden child (my younger brother) so in the past family get togethers have been horrendous. But no more. I now surround myself with my family. My daughter and grandkids and my sons both big and little and Mr Toes. I will not attend any more family brag fests with the narc and her enablers x

Creating a new thread.

I've been lurking here for a while. I'm so sorry that we have ended up with parents like this.

I've been disowned by my nm as I called the Golden child out after he transferred all her money into his account. Every last cent. And I'm the one that gets the blame? I'm actually happier without contact but it still hurts.

Hugs to all that need one x

It’s always going to hurt. You are mourning for the relationship you were entitled to but never got.
Big virtual hugs x

 

[shadowcat5]

Once again I’m the horrible person for not doing what they want. I live hours away yet I still get made to feel like I’m the nasty one.

 

[no-no]

I had to block my mum on Monday when I got a tirade via text just as I was starting work.

I’ve been making an effort so much lately (leaving me feeling so drained and defeatist). I read the message and blocked, didn’t respond, but the guilt still weighs heavy. They always revert to form.

I read a quote once about them not wanting a lifebelt, they want someone to drown with them. It sends your head in to a spin when you think you’re helping.

 

[NorthernMouse]

I’ve been making an effort so much lately (leaving me feeling so drained and defeatist). I read the message and blocked, didn’t respond, but the guilt still weighs heavy. They always revert to form.

Blocking is the right thing, the difficult part is not getting sucked back into their dramas. I always wonder if the guilt we feel is their lasting legacy. It's so difficult to not feel guilty because that's how we've been taught to behave.

 

[Meg1912]

I had no idea this thread existed! I don't even know where to start tbh. I love my parents so much and they have always been so supportive of me and my sister. Even when we made decisions they didn't agree with, they always stood by us, so I'm so thankful for having them in my life.
3 years ago last month I met the man of my dreams and for a few months it was pure bliss. 4 months later we got engaged and we were so so happy. My family were a bit surprised, but were so happy for us and did a speech that brought tears to my eyes saying how happy they were to have F (my now husband) in the family. F's father on the other hand didn't even say congratulations. Only how his children (F and his sister) are what keep his mind occupied as he doesn't have a partner. I thought it was an odd speech, but brushed it off. We were supposed to get married a few months later, in August 2020.
F worked with his father, sister and brother in law and always had a difficult relationship with his father as everything always had to be his way. We were having a tough time planning the wedding because covid came along. He started battling depression due to all the family related issues and his father used that to his advantage as an excuse for us to not get married. He didn't want us to get married and convinced F he wasn't well enough to go ahead with a ceremony. He brought my dad into the picture telling him how unwell F was and to convince me to not go ahead. It was so so stressful.
We decided on a tiny civil ceremony at the castle where we got engaged. F told me on the day his father asked if he was sure.
We booked the religious ceremony for September 2021. F's sister filmed bits of our wedding and played it at their dad's birthday dinner. He was crying, naive me thought he was moved, but now I know they were tears of sadness.
Thankfully F improved and when his dad would start arguments, F started to answer back. His dad thought I was putting things in his head. He always hoped we'd split before our religious ceremony, so everything he needed from him wedding related, would be a huge issue. We found out my dad had cancer, he had emergency surgery and thankfully recovered. A few weeks before the wedding, my dad caught covid and didn't know if he could go to the wedding, it was so stressful. We did get married and my dad could go, but unfortunately it was a bit sad because all his family and guests barely spoke to us as F's dad and sister spread poison all accross.
As things were so bad, F was considering quitting.
We went on our honeymoon and 2 days after our return, F's dad said he'd take everything he bought for his son, should he decide to leave. He bought a house and car for F and his sister, so we thought we'd lose our home. Our worlds came crashing down. From then on, it was hell every single day. He told F how he's being manipulated by me, how he should get divorced, etc.
A few weeks later he fired F and we were so relieved to finally have some peace! But it's been 9 months and still no peace. Either he calls F using fake work related excuses and ends up saying awful things or has his friends call F saying how he misses his son. He told F he's welcome to come by as long as he goes alone. I just want peace! Needless to say this huge amount of stress causes me health related issues and so much tension in our marriage.
F's dad only purpose is to split us up. He's a dictator and such a horrible person. The husband of F's sister quit and left her because he couldn't take it anymore.
Just this week there was another attempt as it's our wedding annuversary next week and F is about to start his new job, so he's doing all he can to bring us stress!
He wants to have a relationship with F as if I don't exist, so he poisons him against me, but I refuse to let that happen. I exist and if there will be any type of relationship between F and his dad, I will be there, no matter how difficult it'll be for me. F is a family man and deep down has hope his dad would change. I know he won't, but I have to support him.
Why are people like this? It's so sad that people who are supposed to love their children hurt them so much.

 

[HitnMiss]

I had no idea this thread existed! I don't even know where to start tbh. I love my parents so much and they have always been so supportive of me and my sister. Even when we made decisions they didn't agree with, they always stood by us, so I'm so thankful for having them in my life.
3 years ago last month I met the man of my dreams and for a few months it was pure bliss. 4 months later we got engaged and we were so so happy. My family were a bit surprised, but were so happy for us and did a speech that brought tears to my eyes saying how happy they were to have F (my now husband) in the family. F's father on the other hand didn't even say congratulations. Only how his children (F and his sister) are what keep his mind occupied as he doesn't have a partner. I thought it was an odd speech, but brushed it off. We were supposed to get married a few months later, in August 2020.
F worked with his father, sister and brother in law and always had a difficult relationship with his father as everything always had to be his way. We were having a tough time planning the wedding because covid came along. He started battling depression due to all the family related issues and his father used that to his advantage as an excuse for us to not get married. He didn't want us to get married and convinced F he wasn't well enough to go ahead with a ceremony. He brought my dad into the picture telling him how unwell F was and to convince me to not go ahead. It was so so stressful.
We decided on a tiny civil ceremony at the castle where we got engaged. F told me on the day his father asked if he was sure.
We booked the religious ceremony for September 2021. F's sister filmed bits of our wedding and played it at their dad's birthday dinner. He was crying, naive me thought he was moved, but now I know they were tears of sadness.
Thankfully F improved and when his dad would start arguments, F started to answer back. His dad thought I was putting things in his head. He always hoped we'd split before our religious ceremony, so everything he needed from him wedding related, would be a huge issue. We found out my dad had cancer, he had emergency surgery and thankfully recovered. A few weeks before the wedding, my dad caught covid and didn't know if he could go to the wedding, it was so stressful. We did get married and my dad could go, but unfortunately it was a bit sad because all his family and guests barely spoke to us as F's dad and sister spread poison all accross.
As things were so bad, F was considering quitting.
We went on our honeymoon and 2 days after our return, F's dad said he'd take everything he bought for his son, should he decide to leave. He bought a house and car for F and his sister, so we thought we'd lose our home. Our worlds came crashing down. From then on, it was hell every single day. He told F how he's being manipulated by me, how he should get divorced, etc.
A few weeks later he fired F and we were so relieved to finally have some peace! But it's been 9 months and still no peace. Either he calls F using fake work related excuses and ends up saying awful things or has his friends call F saying how he misses his son. He told F he's welcome to come by as long as he goes alone. I just want peace! Needless to say this huge amount of stress causes me health related issues and so much tension in our marriage.
F's dad only purpose is to split us up. He's a dictator and such a horrible person. The husband of F's sister quit and left her because he couldn't take it anymore.
Just this week there was another attempt as it's our wedding annuversary next week and F is about to start his new job, so he's doing all he can to bring us stress!
He wants to have a relationship with F as if I don't exist, so he poisons him against me, but I refuse to let that happen. I exist and if there will be any type of relationship between F and his dad, I will be there, no matter how difficult it'll be for me. F is a family man and deep down has hope his dad would change. I know he won't, but I have to support him.
Why are people like this? It's so sad that people who are supposed to love their children hurt them so much.

I'm so sorry you're going through this Meg. Your FIL sounds like a definite narc. I don't have any advice but wanted to let you know I've read your post and empathise with you.

 

[Meg1912]

I'm so sorry you're going through this Meg. Your FIL sounds like a definite narc. I don't have any advice but wanted to let you know I've read your post and empathise with you.

Thank you so much HitnMiss!
It's really sad that some people are so evil, want to see their children unhappy and go out of their way to make that happen. A friend once told me that unhappy people don't want to see others happy and it's so true.
It's quite sad as I feel we've been robbed of what was supposed to be such a happy period of our lives and this whole experience has completely changed me into a different person. I'm constantly stressed, have health anxiety and a couple years ago I wanted to try to get pregnant and now I feel completely differently about it.
I forgot to say I'm in my late 30's and my husband is in his early 40's.

 

[Good Egg]

I had no idea this thread existed! I don't even know where to start tbh. I love my parents so much and they have always been so supportive of me and my sister. Even when we made decisions they didn't agree with, they always stood by us, so I'm so thankful for having them in my life.
3 years ago last month I met the man of my dreams and for a few months it was pure bliss. 4 months later we got engaged and we were so so happy. My family were a bit surprised, but were so happy for us and did a speech that brought tears to my eyes saying how happy they were to have F (my now husband) in the family. F's father on the other hand didn't even say congratulations. Only how his children (F and his sister) are what keep his mind occupied as he doesn't have a partner. I thought it was an odd speech, but brushed it off. We were supposed to get married a few months later, in August 2020.
F worked with his father, sister and brother in law and always had a difficult relationship with his father as everything always had to be his way. We were having a tough time planning the wedding because covid came along. He started battling depression due to all the family related issues and his father used that to his advantage as an excuse for us to not get married. He didn't want us to get married and convinced F he wasn't well enough to go ahead with a ceremony. He brought my dad into the picture telling him how unwell F was and to convince me to not go ahead. It was so so stressful.
We decided on a tiny civil ceremony at the castle where we got engaged. F told me on the day his father asked if he was sure.
We booked the religious ceremony for September 2021. F's sister filmed bits of our wedding and played it at their dad's birthday dinner. He was crying, naive me thought he was moved, but now I know they were tears of sadness.
Thankfully F improved and when his dad would start arguments, F started to answer back. His dad thought I was putting things in his head. He always hoped we'd split before our religious ceremony, so everything he needed from him wedding related, would be a huge issue. We found out my dad had cancer, he had emergency surgery and thankfully recovered. A few weeks before the wedding, my dad caught covid and didn't know if he could go to the wedding, it was so stressful. We did get married and my dad could go, but unfortunately it was a bit sad because all his family and guests barely spoke to us as F's dad and sister spread poison all accross.
As things were so bad, F was considering quitting.
We went on our honeymoon and 2 days after our return, F's dad said he'd take everything he bought for his son, should he decide to leave. He bought a house and car for F and his sister, so we thought we'd lose our home. Our worlds came crashing down. From then on, it was hell every single day. He told F how he's being manipulated by me, how he should get divorced, etc.
A few weeks later he fired F and we were so relieved to finally have some peace! But it's been 9 months and still no peace. Either he calls F using fake work related excuses and ends up saying awful things or has his friends call F saying how he misses his son. He told F he's welcome to come by as long as he goes alone. I just want peace! Needless to say this huge amount of stress causes me health related issues and so much tension in our marriage.
F's dad only purpose is to split us up. He's a dictator and such a horrible person. The husband of F's sister quit and left her because he couldn't take it anymore.
Just this week there was another attempt as it's our wedding annuversary next week and F is about to start his new job, so he's doing all he can to bring us stress!
He wants to have a relationship with F as if I don't exist, so he poisons him against me, but I refuse to let that happen. I exist and if there will be any type of relationship between F and his dad, I will be there, no matter how difficult it'll be for me. F is a family man and deep down has hope his dad would change. I know he won't, but I have to support him.
Why are people like this? It's so sad that people who are supposed to love their children hurt them so much.

What’s does your husband make of all this? What are his thoughts and feelings? TBH I’d be tempted to be as financially independent (however difficult THis May be) from him as possible and relocate and not tell him where you are going.
I certainly wouldn’t work for him.
He sounds very manipulative. Your wedding clearly wasn’t about him so he wanted to sabotage.
I really feel for you and your husband but hold on to the fact you have each other and why you got married. He is lucky to have you. It’s good you can see him for what it is.
Sending hugs in what must be a difficult situation

 

[Meg1912]

What’s does your husband make of all this? What are his thoughts and feelings? TBH I’d be tempted to be as financially independent (however difficult THis May be) from him as possible and relocate and not tell him where you are going.
I certainly wouldn’t work for him.
He sounds very manipulative. Your wedding clearly wasn’t about him so he wanted to sabotage.
I really feel for you and your husband but hold on to the fact you have each other and why you got married. He is lucky to have you. It’s good you can see him for what it is.
Sending hugs in what must be a difficult situation

Thank you so much for your kind words, Good Egg!
My husband is such a good person that he believes his father could change as deep down that's what he wished would happen.
He stopped working at the family business 9 months ago and has been unemployed ever since. Needless to say that it has been quite the ride. But thankfully he'll start a new job next month, doing something he's always wanted to do with people he already knew, same age and really nice. I'm really hoping it'll be the beginning of a new and happy chapter for both of us.
His dad has said some truly horrible things to him, like if it had been someone else that had a son like him, they would've killed themselves, that he was going to disinherit him and that he'd pay my husband to remove his surname from his name. He hasn't forgotten any of this, but at the same time he always picks up the phone when he calls him, so it's always a matter of time until when is our next stress, which I find so disheartening. When I'm picking up the pieces from the last stress, a new one happens. And it affects my husband in the sense it brings out in him some traits his dad has, like short temper, etc.
I try to hold on to the good things we have, but at the same time, I really struggle to stay optimistic.

 

[Good Egg]

Thank you so much for your kind words, Good Egg!
My husband is such a good person that he believes his father could change as deep down that's what he wished would happen.
He stopped working at the family business 9 months ago and has been unemployed ever since. Needless to say that it has been quite the ride. But thankfully he'll start a new job next month, doing something he's always wanted to do with people he already knew, same age and really nice. I'm really hoping it'll be the beginning of a new and happy chapter for both of us.
His dad has said some truly horrible things to him, like if it had been someone else that had a son like him, they would've killed themselves, that he was going to disinherit him and that he'd pay my husband to remove his surname from his name. He hasn't forgotten any of this, but at the same time he always picks up the phone when he calls him, so it's always a matter of time until when is our next stress, which I find so disheartening. When I'm picking up the pieces from the last stress, a new one happens. And it affects my husband in the sense it brings out in him some traits his dad has, like short temper, etc.
I try to hold on to the good things we have, but at the same time, I really struggle to stay optimistic.

I think it’s normal to pick up traits unfortunately as it’s all they’ve known growing up. Does he see his Dad’s behaviour as wrong and does HE recognise when he speaks out of turn?

 

[Slaybutter]

I watched Mommie Dearest this weekend was insanely triggering. I feel all sorts of crap right now. I was going to visit with family for the first time in forever and I had to cancel because all the memories were at the front of my mind.

I’m doubly upset because it was billed as a camp film and a cult classic in the gay community. I can’t believe some men can stomach watching it over and over again. How charmed a life do these people freaking lead.

I just googled the film and found this article. At least the author knows how bad the film is for anyone who grew up with a narc

Mommie Dearest: Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

The 1981 movie, Mommie Dearest, which is based on the autobiography of Joan Crawford, was written by her daugh

psychcentral.com

I pictured little checks next to each and every one of these traits as I read through them. Memories are all softly swirling around in my head right now. They need to go away… I like to go online shopping to make myself feel better and it works. I buy things that make my house a home because my mom wasn’t very good at that. Does anyone else do this?

 

[Rodneytrotter]

I just remembered today how when I was about 10 my mum used to take me to Boots and weigh me on one of those weighing machines. My dad would be there too. When the ticket came out of the machine stating that I was overweight my mum would rant to my dad about how she was never as fat as me at 10. She would then have a go at me saying I need to stop eating so much etc etc. I also remember her leaving me in the car whilst she did a shift at work.

 

[Slaybutter]

I took a step back from my relationship with my mom recently and she isn’t taking it well. For financial reasons I can’t cut off the relationship wholly. It’s not a healthy relationship for me though. After having a bad conversation last night & politely making excuses to get off the phone, she sent so many text messages trying to force me back on a call with her. Today she drove out of her way and showed up at my flat unannounced. I was sleeping so I didn’t get her messages that she was here, but she left food. I can’t eat any of it. I’m allergic. She knows how bad my health was this year before I figured out my intolerances. Just another day in the life with a narc mum.

 

[hello479]

How did you all process things when you first cut contact? I stopped speaking to my narc mum nearly 2 months ago when she made it very clear that I was a failure (due to being single/divorced at 30, in spite of owning my own house, having a good job and being financially independent - and most importantly, I’m happy with a great life!). All of her other narc behaviour over the years has just built up and I just don’t want to spend energy/emotion on her! But my issue is that other relations have stopped speaking to me, no reason just stopped replying to messages etc but I imagine it’s because my mum turns on the waterworks and plays the victim at the earliest opportunity. It’s hard because my friends too see my mum as “soooo lovely” and think I’m just being stubborn and mean. I guess I’m just looking for reassurance that it’s okay to cut out a narc parent that constantly makes me feel crap!

 

[bozlem3080]

How did you all process things when you first cut contact? I stopped speaking to my narc mum nearly 2 months ago when she made it very clear that I was a failure (due to being single/divorced at 30, in spite of owning my own house, having a good job and being financially independent - and most importantly, I’m happy with a great life!). All of her other narc behaviour over the years has just built up and I just don’t want to spend energy/emotion on her! But my issue is that other relations have stopped speaking to me, no reason just stopped replying to messages etc but I imagine it’s because my mum turns on the waterworks and plays the victim at the earliest opportunity. It’s hard because my friends too see my mum as “soooo lovely” and think I’m just being stubborn and mean. I guess I’m just looking for reassurance that it’s okay to cut out a narc parent that constantly makes me feel crap!

Honestly in my case I wasn’t bothered at all, if anything it was a relief, my mum has never been maternal, always bothered what others think, still don’t speak now 7 mths on & I don’t miss her, my siblings don’t speak to me anymore either but again no loss really she has probably fed them a load of crap, she fell out with my grandfather (her dad) they never made up before he died & being her I doubt she gave a tit or shed a tear. My mum isn’t a cryer she is just a nasty piece of work, my dad is under the thumb if she says jump he says how high so he hasn’t reached out to me either, she accused me of being money hungry yet if I was I would be at her door begging for money, that’s the thing she would shower us with money & things but never love, duck knows why she had kids?! Yet my nana was completely different so loving & caring & I used to love being with her.

 

[katyazamo]

What is it with parents bringing up trauma like its absolutely nothing?

So for context I was kinda groomed as a teenager through the internet, thankfully nothing moved to the real world. I'm fine and I'm over it but I do still feel quite ashamed in a way. My mum has a habit of bringing it up and I just don't want to discuss it. She was speaking about that poor girl Molly Russell (she has been in the news this week) who took her life and had been viewing self harm content etc - anyway completely out of the blue she was like "that's like what happened to you, that's why I didn't want you on the internet because you ended up speaking to people you shouldn't".

I just shut her down when she mentions it but Jesus. Take the hint and stop bringing it up again.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

What is it with parents bringing up trauma like its absolutely nothing?

So for context I was kinda groomed as a teenager through the internet, thankfully nothing moved to the real world. I'm fine and I'm over it but I do still feel quite ashamed in a way. My mum has a habit of bringing it up and I just don't want to discuss it. She was speaking about that poor girl Molly Russell (she has been in the news this week) who took her life and had been viewing self harm content etc - anyway completely out of the blue she was like "that's like what happened to you, that's why I didn't want you on the internet because you ended up speaking to people you shouldn't".

I just shut her down when she mentions it but Jesus. Take the hint and stop bringing it up again.

Serious lack of emotional intelligence and/ or no respect of boundaries there. I hope you are ok. And if we are say anything they can get all petulant with things like 'ok I just won't speak ever again then'

 

[mcfeez]

I feel like I've just emotionally checked out so much recently in terms of a relationship with my mother.

She calls me roughly once a week for say 20 mins. I speak about my own life I'd say for less than a minute of that then it's just whatever nonsense drama she's created in her life. Even when I've just come back from like an amazing 2 week trip she literally asks how it was (purely out of politeness) and once i say 'oh it was amazing' then moves straight onto something about her life. It's exhausting. She literally doesn't care about anything in my life when it was has no relation to her which now that I live farther way, is very little. We gave a family wedding coming up in the next few months and Drshe obsessively talks about that, repeatedly asking what I'm wearing, how I'm doing my hair, asking if Ive put on weight as she doesn't want to be 'shown up' by me