I'm so sorry that you've had to put up with a phone call like that. You can see the bullshit xx
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It annoys me so much when my mom sort of complains that I don’t call and when I say she can also just call me, she claims she doesn’t want to be a bother. This logic kills me, if I’m busy I just won’t pick up? 
I live abroad and it’s similar when discussing going to visit - I have 2 children, 2.5y and 5mo so obviously it’d be easier for me if my parents came to visit? He’s retired, she’s a teacher so plenty of time during school breaks but somehow there’s always something in the way or more important or preventing them from coming, or “it’d be better if you come to us instead”
(it’s a 3h flight and fortunately it’s not a money issue). It’s just so frustrating
I live abroad and it’s similar when discussing going to visit - I have 2 children, 2.5y and 5mo so obviously it’d be easier for me if my parents came to visit? He’s retired, she’s a teacher so plenty of time during school breaks but somehow there’s always something in the way or more important or preventing them from coming, or “it’d be better if you come to us instead”
(it’s a 3h flight and fortunately it’s not a money issue). It’s just so frustratingI'm still so angry, the lies that tripped out of his mouth. ,trouble is he's a nasty vindictive twit, I know this isn't over yet.
OMG my narc mother does the exact same thing! Before I stopped talking to her she used to do the same - always complain that my siblings and I never call and when we put it back on her and say “you can call us” she’d always back pedal and say “I don’t want to bother you/I know you’re all busy/etc” couldn’t understand the logic that if we’re too busy we just won’t answer. Eugh.It annoys me so much when my mom sort of complains that I don’t call and when I say she can also just call me, she claims she doesn’t want to be a bother. This logic kills me, if I’m busy I just won’t pick up?
I live abroad and it’s similar when discussing going to visit - I have 2 children, 2.5y and 5mo so obviously it’d be easier for me if my parents came to visit? He’s retired, she’s a teacher so plenty of time during school breaks but somehow there’s always something in the way or more important or preventing them from coming, or “it’d be better if you come to us instead”
I am going to assume it's an ego thing.
For us normal people, a phone call is just that, a phone call. For a narc, I'd imagine a lot of their ego is tied up in having to phone you and you not phoning them. Cause you not phoning them doesn't fit the narrative they are trying to spin, that they are so important. You are not folding to their narrative.
For us normal people, a phone call is just that, a phone call. For a narc, I'd imagine a lot of their ego is tied up in having to phone you and you not phoning them. Cause you not phoning them doesn't fit the narrative they are trying to spin, that they are so important. You are not folding to their narrative.
Because of work if we did travel up we would have to come back that same day which is exhausting. I have told her that travelling with a toddler isn’t easy but the response I get is ‘it’s easier if you come’.
I’m putting my foot down as in the past I put pressure on myself to visit frequently and it’s never enough. We went up over Christmas and stayed over for a few days. I have a pot that belongs to my mum, I told her over the phone a few days ago that i’ll return it when we next come up. She then says in an irritated tone ‘Yeah, whenever that’ll be’. We were only just up a week ago and visit frequently so there is no reason to say something like that.
I’m reducing my contact with her for my own peace. The negativity is exhausting. I’m constantly criticised and have had it with her behaviour.
I think distancing yourself is the right thing to do. You sound drained by it all. Best thing you can do is focus on yourself and your own family, for your own mental health if nothing else. Sending hugs
Highly recommend this.
For me, the narcissists in my life are my ex, and a former friend, not parents, but the patterns are the same. Some useful information and advice about how to deal with these people.
I need to vent about my stepmum in defence of my sister.
My sister who is very petite had a baby last year. Things didn’t go to plan and she ended up having a c section and she’s got a bit of mum tum which is probably more noticeable as she’s so small.
Anyway, my stepmum was slim for quite a long time until she got to her 50s and put on weight. I don’t see her very often, but when I do, she would go on about her weight all the time and how bloated she felt. She has now lost a lot of weight and over Xmas at my house, she said my sister talks about her weight a lot, doesn’t she? I was like, no? Looking back I wish I’d had said, “not as much as you do!” But I don’t want to cause issues as my dad was sat next to her. Obviously I’ve not told my sister or anyone she said this.
Then we all see my sister and there’s a cake and stepmum asks my sister if she’s dieting or if she’ll have some. My sister just looked at her like, eh? And said no she wasn’t dieting.
I don’t want to bring it up with my sis and be like, why did she think you were dieting? Because I don’t want her to feel more self conscious.
It’s just really wound me up. Stepmum is definitely projecting her insecurities about her weight.
My sister who is very petite had a baby last year. Things didn’t go to plan and she ended up having a c section and she’s got a bit of mum tum which is probably more noticeable as she’s so small.
Anyway, my stepmum was slim for quite a long time until she got to her 50s and put on weight. I don’t see her very often, but when I do, she would go on about her weight all the time and how bloated she felt. She has now lost a lot of weight and over Xmas at my house, she said my sister talks about her weight a lot, doesn’t she? I was like, no? Looking back I wish I’d had said, “not as much as you do!” But I don’t want to cause issues as my dad was sat next to her. Obviously I’ve not told my sister or anyone she said this.
Then we all see my sister and there’s a cake and stepmum asks my sister if she’s dieting or if she’ll have some. My sister just looked at her like, eh? And said no she wasn’t dieting.
I don’t want to bring it up with my sis and be like, why did she think you were dieting? Because I don’t want her to feel more self conscious.
It’s just really wound me up. Stepmum is definitely projecting her insecurities about her weight.
My mom e-mailed me this morning what she would normally text and she is pretending like I didn’t block her two weeks ago. Did anyone else who went no contact experience this or someone just have some words of advice ??
Update: I avoided checking my email all day. Had a look and she sent another message. My spam filter didn’t work 
She said she’s worried and asked that I respond. She knows she’s been blocked so this is absurd. My oldest brother has had her blocked for a year now. That is also the reason why I was talking to her to begin with/ I was trying to support her while she was depressed. So there’s absolutely no sense in her faking worrying about me, she knows what’s going on. I even spoke to my grandfather a few days ago and told him I’m doing great so this is really unnecessary.
She said she’s worried and asked that I respond. She knows she’s been blocked so this is absurd. My oldest brother has had her blocked for a year now. That is also the reason why I was talking to her to begin with/ I was trying to support her while she was depressed. So there’s absolutely no sense in her faking worrying about me, she knows what’s going on. I even spoke to my grandfather a few days ago and told him I’m doing great so this is really unnecessary.
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Oh gosh I’ve just seen this. I dip in and out of this thread as sometimes I relive my trauma
Sorry to rehash just wanting to know I’m here.
It’s awful when you’re gaslighted. Now your waste it makes you furious. Don’t waste that energy. That’s what the fuckers want.
Your nasty family member who rang you could you not block him ?
Hope your dog is well?
Hope everybody is doing OK
Thank you for asking lovely, hope you're ok toOh gosh I’ve just seen this. I dip in and out of this thread as sometimes I relive my trauma
Sorry to rehash just wanting to know I’m here.
It’s awful when you’re gaslighted. Now your waste it makes you furious. Don’t waste that energy. That’s what the fuckers want.
Your nasty family member who rang you could you not block him ?
Hope your dog is well?
and likewise, here for you too xI was so angry after the phone call ( I called him on someone else's phone, I don't want any of them to have my number) I am trying hard not to think about the conversation, but you know what it's like after, I wish I had said things differently?so that still bothers me, but at the end of the day, I never, ever want to have anything to do with again, but he's a vindictive fucker, and I don't trust him at all. It's affected my anxiety alot, but thank god for my dog (he's doing ok thanks) he makes me get on with my day as he needs exercise ( so do I !)
I’m ok thanks! My baby has just turned 1 and we both have a cold so I’m feeling miserable. Plus I am currently a SAHM and this was not the plan so I’m feeling isolated and feeling like I have lost my identity. I know it’s temporary situation but I’ve been feeling sorry for myself.Thank you for asking lovely, hope you're ok to
I was so angry after the phone call ( I called him on someone else's phone, I don't want any of them to have my number) I am trying hard not to think about the conversation, but you know what it's like after, I wish I had said things differently?so that still bothers me, but at the end of the day, I never, ever want to have anything to do with again, but he's a vindictive fucker, and I don't trust him at all. It's affected my anxiety alot, but thank god for my dog (he's doing ok thanks) he makes me get on with my day as he needs exercise ( so do I !)
I’m glad your doggie is doing well. Get that fresh air. Just be careful don’t walk in secluded areas
We can’t live without them can we. Mine looks like a lion and he’s just lying down next to me.
Did you want to say more ?
Do they live close to you ?
With Narcs everything is a game to them. If you ignore and get on with your life that’s what makes them mad. You have been through a lot in your life don’t let HIM affect your day. It’s not worth your energy. I know you know this. Just I don’t want you feeling down for silly bastards.
Sounds silly I used to suffer from anxiety and panic attacks and I used to do daily affirmations in the morning and in the evenings. It worked. Imagine I used to tell myself “ you are cool, calm collected. Today is a good day. “
Kinda insane but it brainwashed my mind. Plus watching RH.
Honestly RH saved me from a narcissistic abusive relationship.
Imagine I didn’t even know what a Narcissist was until I was 25 years of age.
@alwaysdreaming hope you and your little one are feeling better, I bet you're a good caring mum
I know the feeling of being isolated, I'm abit of a recluse, haven't left the house for over 2 months apart from dog walking, it's just the way I am now.
I didn't realise what a narc was until a few years ago, then it all made sense, I think back over the years and the behaviour of my old man, and my mother being the enabler, then the golden child who has cloned into my old man, how they twist things which have been said, that's why I get so angry and frustrated, cos I remember but they deny deny. My mother just shuts down, but then tbh, she really wasn't much of one.
I watch stuff on the TV and think wow, how awful some kids are, but their parents are always there for them, no matter what they've done, the way they've treated me and my oh, you'd think we were the worst people ever, which we definitely are not, but they end up making you feel like tit.
I shouldn't have rung him that day, but something happened the night before, and our first thought was him, but as per, deny, then spoke to me like I was a child, which made me madder, which he knew how I'd react, so he can say I was on one, and he's in the right, if that makes sense?
I get you about RH, I love that thread, such a lovely bunch and a laugh, probably most days I have contact, thank you lovely for asking x
I know the feeling of being isolated, I'm abit of a recluse, haven't left the house for over 2 months apart from dog walking, it's just the way I am now.
I didn't realise what a narc was until a few years ago, then it all made sense, I think back over the years and the behaviour of my old man, and my mother being the enabler, then the golden child who has cloned into my old man, how they twist things which have been said, that's why I get so angry and frustrated, cos I remember but they deny deny. My mother just shuts down, but then tbh, she really wasn't much of one.
I watch stuff on the TV and think wow, how awful some kids are, but their parents are always there for them, no matter what they've done, the way they've treated me and my oh, you'd think we were the worst people ever, which we definitely are not, but they end up making you feel like tit.
I shouldn't have rung him that day, but something happened the night before, and our first thought was him, but as per, deny, then spoke to me like I was a child, which made me madder, which he knew how I'd react, so he can say I was on one, and he's in the right, if that makes sense?
I get you about RH, I love that thread, such a lovely bunch and a laugh, probably most days I have contact, thank you lovely for asking x
My dads been diagnosed with Eupd but I often see narc traits in him. He's pushed basically everyone away from him and now heavily depends on me and its draining. Trying to set boundaries feels impossible. For example all week he has had the opportunity of going up to A&E for 'chest pains' and for my younger sister to look after his dog while he does so. He's chosen not to go all week then decides at the weekend he wants to go and me and my sister should cancel our plans to take him. I explained to him A&E isn't a day trip out and if you can put it off all week you most likely don't need to go. Its like everything is a test. He says well I would do it for you! To which I respond well actually I don't think you would and also you should, you're the parent? We aren't your parent. The only thing he will do is borrow us money but id rather he didn't as he will throw it back in our faces almost like its a bargaining tool. I'd have too much guilt to go no contact but anyone found anything that works in setting boundaries with these types of people?
We are on the mend. Thanks for asking.@alwaysdreaming hope you and your little one are feeling better, I bet you're a good caring mum
I know the feeling of being isolated, I'm abit of a recluse, haven't left the house for over 2 months apart from dog walking, it's just the way I am now.
I didn't realise what a narc was until a few years ago, then it all made sense, I think back over the years and the behaviour of my old man, and my mother being the enabler, then the golden child who has cloned into my old man, how they twist things which have been said, that's why I get so angry and frustrated, cos I remember but they deny deny. My mother just shuts down, but then tbh, she really wasn't much of one.
I watch stuff on the TV and think wow, how awful some kids are, but their parents are always there for them, no matter what they've done, the way they've treated me and my oh, you'd think we were the worst people ever, which we definitely are not, but they end up making you feel like tit.
I shouldn't have rung him that day, but something happened the night before, and our first thought was him, but as per, deny, then spoke to me like I was a child, which made me madder, which he knew how I'd react, so he can say I was on one, and he's in the right, if that makes sense?
I get you about RH, I love that thread, such a lovely bunch and a laugh, probably most days I have contact, thank you lovely for asking x
I always feel the enabler is just as bad as they don’t do anything. I always feel like that the enabler in a way is an abuser as we all have a choice.
I don’t know the situation of why you had to call him but I would literally stay away as you have feelings of trauma and he clearly loves to wind you up. That’s not someone you want to be around. Have you ever had a sit down discussion or is that impossible ?
I am also a recluse in a way mostly from other humans. I think due to being around narcissistic personalities I find myself almost too empathetic and when I make friends I always get hurt as I give more than I take. So now I’m super wary and I distant myself from people. Terrible trait really but the way I think if the parents didn’t want to treat me right how can I expect every day people.
Sometimes a dog is a true best friend hey.
Tattlers, I need to vent and ask for your advice, on behalf of a friend, at the same time.
I'll be honest and say that until recently, I didn't even know what narcissism was - but now I'm thinking back to people I've come across over the years who I would've described as problematic, and I wonder if they had narcissistic traits. Reading up on the subject a fair bit (when I had Covid and had all the time in the world to go down quite a few rabbit holes), opened my eyes.
I have a dear friend who I believe is the scapegoat for her narc mother. Her mother seems to latch on to people - very unhealthily - and only contacts my friend when she's upset one of the people she latches on to or wants yet more money. My friend feels very much like a last resort in that regard.
Today, my friend visited me and was really upset. Her mother had called her in the morning to say her fridge-freezer is broken and she has no money to replace it. When she told my friend this, she immediately said she wouldn't consider buying secondhand. This seems to be strange timing as her mother had previously told her that she'd been out shopping with her aunt, who had to replace hers.
I asked my friend what the issue is with secondhand? Surely if she's hard up, asking for a handout, she can't afford to be choosey? Apparently it comes down to pride and she of course can't be "seen" to be having anything old (even though her house is falling down around her ears, but that's a different story).
My friend has done well in life and has a lot of nice things. Her mother doesn't respect her, or any boundaries, at all - even turning up uninvited to "pop in" which she knows my friend hates. It's as if she does tit like that to assert her authority.
I asked my friend what she is going to do. She said she's told her mother to talk to social services, as they will be able to help. Of course her mother started ranting and raving, then turning it back on my friend, saying if she could afford to buy a new outdoor lounge setting (which my friend did at Christmas time), then she could afford to help her out - or she could even sell that. Why on earth should she be expected to?! Why is her mother expecting her to bail her out - yet again - as she has many times in the past?!
My friend is riddled with anxiety and I'm feeling it too - why is this woman haranguing her like this? My friend doesn't owe her anything and shouldn't be expected to fund her mother's lifestyle - should she? I'm also going to add here that she found out at Christmas time that her mother had gifted hundreds of dollars to her granddaughter for Christmas; this came as a huge shock to my friend as she had been buying her ready-meals throughout the year because she claimed she couldn't afford groceries.
Also thrown into the mix is the issue that my friend has another friend who does supplement her mother's income and has told my friend that she thinks she should do the same for her mother. I know this happens in some cultures, but please tell me why she should do this?
My friend is now fully expecting phone calls from other relatives pressuring her to give her mother the money for a new fridge-freezer, and that thought alone is tying her up in knots. I've told her to tell them how she's already bailed her mother out and she can't keep doing it, but I don't know if she will.
Am I alone in thinking this whole situation stinks?! What should she do (aside from change her number and move far, far away)?
I'll be honest and say that until recently, I didn't even know what narcissism was - but now I'm thinking back to people I've come across over the years who I would've described as problematic, and I wonder if they had narcissistic traits. Reading up on the subject a fair bit (when I had Covid and had all the time in the world to go down quite a few rabbit holes), opened my eyes.
I have a dear friend who I believe is the scapegoat for her narc mother. Her mother seems to latch on to people - very unhealthily - and only contacts my friend when she's upset one of the people she latches on to or wants yet more money. My friend feels very much like a last resort in that regard.
Today, my friend visited me and was really upset. Her mother had called her in the morning to say her fridge-freezer is broken and she has no money to replace it. When she told my friend this, she immediately said she wouldn't consider buying secondhand. This seems to be strange timing as her mother had previously told her that she'd been out shopping with her aunt, who had to replace hers.
I asked my friend what the issue is with secondhand? Surely if she's hard up, asking for a handout, she can't afford to be choosey? Apparently it comes down to pride and she of course can't be "seen" to be having anything old (even though her house is falling down around her ears, but that's a different story).
My friend has done well in life and has a lot of nice things. Her mother doesn't respect her, or any boundaries, at all - even turning up uninvited to "pop in" which she knows my friend hates. It's as if she does tit like that to assert her authority.
I asked my friend what she is going to do. She said she's told her mother to talk to social services, as they will be able to help. Of course her mother started ranting and raving, then turning it back on my friend, saying if she could afford to buy a new outdoor lounge setting (which my friend did at Christmas time), then she could afford to help her out - or she could even sell that. Why on earth should she be expected to?! Why is her mother expecting her to bail her out - yet again - as she has many times in the past?!
My friend is riddled with anxiety and I'm feeling it too - why is this woman haranguing her like this? My friend doesn't owe her anything and shouldn't be expected to fund her mother's lifestyle - should she? I'm also going to add here that she found out at Christmas time that her mother had gifted hundreds of dollars to her granddaughter for Christmas; this came as a huge shock to my friend as she had been buying her ready-meals throughout the year because she claimed she couldn't afford groceries.
Also thrown into the mix is the issue that my friend has another friend who does supplement her mother's income and has told my friend that she thinks she should do the same for her mother. I know this happens in some cultures, but please tell me why she should do this?
My friend is now fully expecting phone calls from other relatives pressuring her to give her mother the money for a new fridge-freezer, and that thought alone is tying her up in knots. I've told her to tell them how she's already bailed her mother out and she can't keep doing it, but I don't know if she will.
Am I alone in thinking this whole situation stinks?! What should she do (aside from change her number and move far, far away)?
I'm so sorry for your friend, you're right this is a horrible situation she's been put in. Sounds as if she's being backed into a corner so she will eventually give in and buy the fridge. The mum is behaving like a petulant child begging for a toy in the supermarket!
From my own experience know how hard it is to say no, as your friend will end up looking like the bad guy which is really unfair.
My advice is to text her mum saying she's sorry but due to the current climate / energy bills / food etc she just can't stretch to it right now but happy to help her look for a decent 2nd hand one and send her some FB market place/gumtree ads as attachments. This way, she's offering to help and has it in writing so she can't have any comeback for not offering help, plus she's making her position clear in a polite and reasonable way. There's a great book I go back to often about dealing with emotionally immature parents. I'll find it and pop back with a screenshot. Hope this helps!
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Here you go. Found these are both really good and can help set boundaries.
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