Narcissistic and toxic parents #2

[rainbowlemon]

I am a size 14 but my BMI means I am obese because I’m like 5’0.

Recently I was misdiagnosed with cancer and then re diagnosed with 2 chronic health issues. More recently I’ve had an unexplained seizure.

My mother has repeatedly made comments about my weight. She then said my “bad” diet probably caused the seizure. Obviously this is not the case and the specialist said that’s got nothing to do with it.

A family wedding is coming up and she’s made multiple suggestions that I maybe should lose weight. I’ve been on steroids for the chronic health issues which led me to gain a stone.

Last night she sent me the link to the saxenda weight loss injections and said “don’t take this the wrong way but why don’t you do this?”.
I haven’t suggested to her that I want to lose weight.

I have commented that the steroids made me gain weight but I even joked that I’d rather be a bit rounder and alive than skinny and dead.

I’m 37 and it’s really getting to me. If I retaliate/make a comment back it causes a world war and I cannot be bothered with the drama.

My husband wanted to send her a message last night but I told him not to.

Sorry, I really just needed to rant. I’m so sick of it.

Keep enforcing your boundaries. Tell her you no longer want any more comments on your weight or you will not be contacting her.

My weight has always gone up and down. I've been everything from a 10-18. Even when I was heavier. I didn't even feel like it was a problem personally, but comments from my own mother made me feel much worse and more self conscious. It was another comment on a forum but it went like "women are allowed to take up space in the world." You don't have to be a set size.

 

[allthingschocolate]

Eurgh parents just got home from a long, hard day at work (I am a nurse) barely had time to eat and had my mother having a moan at me as I didn’t reply to her message from 10 am so I tried to explain to her that I had been busy (she works too but albeit 3 hours 3x per week) she is the most laziest person going has many health problems purely because she doesn’t help herself and my dad is a total enabler! I have a medical condition also but I don’t use it as any excuse and never go on about it but they never ask how I am I feel so isolated I am on my own as a single parent and thought great got a nice peaceful weekend as my daughter at her dads and then I get a barrage of abuse from them which I don’t need so I ended up hanging up on my mother! Now I feel angry and frustrated! Both are slightly narcissistic they adore my brother (he isn’t supportive in the slightest) and can never put one foot wrong in their eyes! My brother only gets in touch when he needs a dog sitter so will pulling the plug on this now I’m so fed up it’s unreal does help to rant on here tho can anyone else relate to the middle child syndrome

 

[rainbowlemon]

Eurgh parents just got home from a long, hard day at work (I am a nurse) barely had time to eat and had my mother having a moan at me as I didn’t reply to her message from 10 am so I tried to explain to her that I had been busy (she works too but albeit 3 hours 3x per week) she is the most laziest person going has many health problems purely because she doesn’t help herself and my dad is a total enabler! I have a medical condition also but I don’t use it as any excuse and never go on about it but they never ask how I am I feel so isolated I am on my own as a single parent and thought great got a nice peaceful weekend as my daughter at her dads and then I get a barrage of abuse from them which I don’t need so I ended up hanging up on my mother! Now I feel angry and frustrated! Both are slightly narcissistic they adore my brother (he isn’t supportive in the slightest) and can never put one foot wrong in their eyes! My brother only gets in touch when he needs a dog sitter so will pulling the plug on this now I’m so fed up it’s unreal does help to rant on here tho can anyone else relate to the middle child syndrome

We talked about expectations in therapy. Abuse is never okay. If they can’t talk to you with respect they don’t deserve to talk to you at all. Both my parents are currently blocked on WhatsApp. I only unblocked when I mentally able to deal with them then they go back to being blocked. They do not have unlimited access to me. I would suggest you try the same.

 

[no-no]

Took my mum out for a birthday lunch before. Got to the restaurant and she basically just sat in silence, didn’t make any effort to talk then didn’t eat the food and was eye-rolling staff. We left in an hour. Has anyone else experienced this? She makes such a big fuss of going out and when I’ve taken her out in the past she always does this. There’s a vibe at the table that she’d rather be sat with anyone else but me. I get she may have been upset my brother doesn’t speak with her and today would’ve been hard but I didn’t bring it up because my WHOLE life has been the sideshow. Just be grateful one of your children are putting in some effort. But he’s the GC and I suspect also a narc, doesn’t have contact but can do no wrong.

 

[Maid22]

My oh met someone yesterday who mentioned something really bad from years ago, it brought back aload of awful memories, my old man was truly a nasty narcissist twit, might sound harsh, but I'm glad he's dead.

 

[Maid22]

Hope everyone's ok on here x
I've heard about grey rocking on here today, been reading about it, it's very insightful, I'm going to try and to put it into practice.

 

[Meringue22]

Hope everyone's ok on here x
I've heard about grey rocking on here today, been reading about it, it's very insightful, I'm going to try and to put it into practice.

I’ve decided to do this too. I’ve had a bit of a lightbulb moment this weekend!

 

[Maid22]

I’ve decided to do this too. I’ve had a bit of a lightbulb moment this weekend!

Me too x

 

[catchinguphere21]

Growing up , were you beaten as a child ?

 

[Beach88]

Growing up , were you beaten as a child ?

I experienced this as a child.

Hope you are as ok as possible. Easter can be full of difficult memories.

 

[Nadia Vulvokov]

I've been using grey rock too when I *have* to be around my mother. But I've also started disassociating around her which after looking it up seems to be a protection thing, fight flight or freeze (so it must be flight or freeze I'm experiencing) Does anyone else have this? It's like I involuntarily shut down when she starts talking nonsense.

 

[catchinguphere21]

I'm finding it extremely hard in the last year, I don't know why. For all these years I have blocked it out, but now it's really, really hurting. Has anyone experienced this? The abuse has really messed me up as a person, I have never been able to socialise, any loud bangs and my heart races. I cant wear or touch a belt , it brings back painful memories. I used to hide under trees in the rain so I wouldn't be beaten as a child. Doors used to be broken down in the house and we would be whipped with a belt. I haven't spoken to anyone about this. It wasn't until this year that I realised how wrong that treatment was growing up as a child. But then Its like a voice in my head telling me then that I'm over reacting

 

[Meringue22]

I've been using grey rock too when I *have* to be around my mother. But I've also started disassociating around her which after looking it up seems to be a protection thing, fight flight or freeze (so it must be flight or freeze I'm experiencing) Does anyone else have this? It's like I involuntarily shut down when she starts talking nonsense.

I definitely do this! I block my mother out a lot now

 

[Nadia Vulvokov]

I'm finding it extremely hard in the last year, I don't know why. For all these years I have blocked it out, but now it's really, really hurting. Has anyone experienced this? The abuse has really messed me up as a person, I have never been able to socialise, any loud bangs and my heart races. I cant wear or touch a belt , it brings back painful memories. I used to hide under trees in the rain so I wouldn't be beaten as a child. Doors used to be broken down in the house and we would be whipped with a belt. I haven't spoken to anyone about this. It wasn't until this year that I realised how wrong that treatment was growing up as a child. Its like a voice in my head telling me then that I'm over reacting .

I'm so sorry. Have you thought about speaking to your GP? Sending you hugs x
---

I definitely do this! I block my mother out a lot now

It's amazing what our brains can do to protect us isn't it?

 

[catchinguphere21]

I'm so sorry. Have you thought about speaking to your GP? Sending you hugs x

No, I feel by speaking out to someone about it face to face just makes it more real if you understand ? I have really distanced myself from my parents (they are separated years) since before Christmas. My mother was draining me, god I feel awful for saying that now but I just wanted time out. I was sick and tired of always being there for her when ever it suited her, I always put myself last when it came to my family . I always made the effort, it was never done for me. So I have stepped back, feeling a small bit less guilt for that now so that must be a good improvement. I am enjoying life with my little children. When I see them laughing and so so happy , going to bed so peaceful, it kind of tugs at my heart as I think back to when I was their age and how I didnt have that kind of peaceful life . Sorry for rambling on this thread. I happened to find it and felt safe speaking about this to people who may understand where I'm coming from .

 

[Maid22]

I'm finding it extremely hard in the last year, I don't know why. For all these years I have blocked it out, but now it's really, really hurting. Has anyone experienced this? The abuse has really messed me up as a person, I have never been able to socialise, any loud bangs and my heart races. I cant wear or touch a belt , it brings back painful memories. I used to hide under trees in the rain so I wouldn't be beaten as a child. Doors used to be broken down in the house and we would be whipped with a belt. I haven't spoken to anyone about this. It wasn't until this year that I realised how wrong that treatment was growing up as a child. But then Its like a voice in my head telling me then that I'm over reacting

I'm so sorry what you've been through, reading your post has reminded me when my late brother had the belt, my old man used the buckle, and I was made to sit there and watch it.
You are not over reacting, you're safe to say anything in this thread, am glad that you can say it here, we all understand

 

[Nadia Vulvokov]

Second what @Maid22 said. This is a safe space to vent and keep posting if it helps you. We all are in the same boat here and there's no judgement just understanding

 

[catchinguphere21]

I'm so sorry what you've been through, reading your post has reminded me when my late brother had the belt, my old man used the buckle, and I was made to sit there and watch it.
You are not over reacting, you're safe to say anything in this thread, am glad that you can say it here, we all understand

Thank you. Yes it was like we waited our turn to be belted, it wasn't until my younger brother came to me Christmas and was very upset speaking about our childhood. He had kept it to himself too all these years. It was the first time we spoke of it together as adults . I haven't been the same since. It has taken alot out of me. I cant sleep at night, that I'm reliving it over and over again. We never did anything out of the way as children but we were punished. I used to cycle around the local grave yard as a young child as it was the one place that I felt safe and that nobody could hurt me. I used to sit at graves and "speak" to the people buried there. I got comfort from it. If I were to tell this to anybody now, could you imagine what they would think its just not right.

 

[Chandler Bing]

Did really well, went from July to January not speaking to him. He caught me on a good day just after new years, and I'd had a couple of drinks so answered the phone. I shouldn't have, the abuse was off the charts. Not spoke to him since and I really don't want to either, but unfortunately that comes at the cost of never seeing the rest of my family again. Every day is even more miserable than the one before. If i speak to him, I'm miserable, if I don't get to see anyone from my family, I'm miserable. I just can't win.

My friends dad died recently, at 95 years old. Amazing, lovely, proper family man. But all it did was make me think my dad is 70, if I have to go through another 25 years of abuse, I'll kill myself.

My husband's family and friends still after almost 15 years don't understand why i don't have a family and I'm so tired of the judgement that I'm considering divorce and just going away to live by myself. I can't do it anymore. Sick of my job too so I just spend every day dreaming of starting a new life abroad.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Did really well, went from July to January not speaking to him. He caught me on a good day just after new years, and I'd had a couple of drinks so answered the phone. I shouldn't have, the abuse was off the charts. Not spoke to him since and I really don't want to either, but unfortunately that comes at the cost of never seeing the rest of my family again. Every day is even more miserable than the one before. If i speak to him, I'm miserable, if I don't get to see anyone from my family, I'm miserable. I just can't win.

My friends dad died recently, at 95 years old. Amazing, lovely, proper family man. But all it did was make me think my dad is 70, if I have to go through another 25 years of abuse, I'll kill myself.

My husband's family and friends still after almost 15 years don't understand why i don't have a family and I'm so tired of the judgement that I'm considering divorce and just going away to live by myself. I can't do it anymore. Sick of my job too so I just spend every day dreaming of starting a new life abroad.

Do you have good friends? I couldn't get though this without friends xx