Narcissistic and toxic parents #2

[nothanksbabes]

Highly recommend this.

For me, the narcissists in my life are my ex, and a former friend, not parents, but the patterns are the same. Some useful information and advice about how to deal with these people.

 

[Ablemabel]

Thank you so much.

On the surface I can tell you and I believe that it’s not my fault and that she’s a grown woman who makes these choices

But underneath in my heart she’s my mum and I feel sorry for her. Even though I know that’s what she wants and thrives on. She always pulls me back and then when I’m there clobbers me over the head with comments like how terrible a teenager I was. She never thanks me for anythng - bringing her stuff, making her dinner…she’s an awful person

I hear you - this is my experience too. The guilt is overwhelming. Do read what @cee-bee wrote. It will help.

 

[Jj2431]

Definitely haven't seen any abuse in any form towards my children. If there was he would Definitely be out of our lives. I know some people maybe think that he's inviting me now but once again, it will be me making effort to go there and he will be drinking. He can't just come to the house for an hour and have a coffee every few weeks. My teenage son has seen him drunk before and he doesn't like it.

 

[Beth1980]

You worded that really well, for some reason I will still defend my mother to others even though they don't deserve it. They still blame everything on me with no accountability for their actions while acting all 'sweetness and light' when others are around.

 

[Black.bird]

does anyone else ever worry they're 'turning into'/picking up traits of a narc family member?

This is a thing, apparently - but at least if you're aware of it, you can nip it in the bud?

I feel terrible for anyone who has narcissistic/toxic parents, I really do. I don't have any personal experiences to share and didn't think I even knew any narcissists until recently ... I quickly learned to keep a VERY wide berth from them.

 

[Maid22]

So as expected, narc mum sent a card (god only knows where she found this one) with a line on the front along the lines of “all I want for Xmas is to hug my child and tell them I love them” she also only addressed it to me, totally left my partner out.

her sibling also sent me a Xmas card and inside wrote “talk to your mum, you’ll never forgive yourself if something happens” - WHY DO THEY DO THIS?! My partner was furious at that card..

Eugh. The holidays make their narc tendencies even worse.

I'm also so angry they've done this to you, I've had the guilt trips over the years, they don't work anymore. Why do they have to do this on times like xmas or birthdays etc, so calculating of them, hope you're ok x

 

[Bettyboo2475]

I struggle with this too. As if it isn't hard enough having to go no contact without being judged and condemned by others.... I hope you are okay.

Feeling better but as you know there is a void that never goes away. We are survivors though. Sending you love xx

 

[Rodneytrotter]

He’s a narcissist so he’s never at fault. Ever! I can completely understand why this has triggered you, I’d be the same but you cut him off for a reason. A valid one. I know my mum tells people stuff that makes me look utterly vile but I don’t care anymore because I know it’s not me who is the narc! Remind yourself why you cut him off and that it was and still is for the best x

Thanks so much

 

[allthingschocolate]

I haven’t kept in contact with them. I’m NC with my mum and my brother his wife and my neice. Also NC with my MIL, SIL and her kids.

Believe me when I say I could write a book on all the shit I’ve endured over the years but I’m much lighter without them in my life.

Someone once asked me if it was me that was ‘the problem’ no, it’s just that I don’t take any shit anymore. If you don’t bring anything to my table you’re gone.

It’s well over ten and twenty years respectively.

Thankyou that’s really helpful and appreciate you taking the time to reply, I’ve always felt like an outcast where my brother and sister are concerned, as I’ve said previously they have met up a few times and not included me in anything, always feel so left out and like I’m just not good enough other than to look after my bothers dog and as for my niece she’s a spoilt, entitled madam, brought her gifts for Christmas and not even a thanks, I’ve also never had a good relationship with my sister who is a full on narcissist and I cannot stand her husband honestly done with them all I think your right I will feel better and lighter without them in my life not that they bring anything positive to it

 

[alwaysdreaming]

Thank you for asking lovely, hope you're ok to and likewise, here for you too x

I was so angry after the phone call ( I called him on someone else's phone, I don't want any of them to have my number) I am trying hard not to think about the conversation, but you know what it's like after, I wish I had said things differently?so that still bothers me, but at the end of the day, I never, ever want to have anything to do with again, but he's a vindictive fucker, and I don't trust him at all. It's affected my anxiety alot, but thank god for my dog (he's doing ok thanks) he makes me get on with my day as he needs exercise ( so do I !)

I’m ok thanks! My baby has just turned 1 and we both have a cold so I’m feeling miserable. Plus I am currently a SAHM and this was not the plan so I’m feeling isolated and feeling like I have lost my identity. I know it’s temporary situation but I’ve been feeling sorry for myself.

I’m glad your doggie is doing well. Get that fresh air. Just be careful don’t walk in secluded areas
We can’t live without them can we. Mine looks like a lion and he’s just lying down next to me.

Did you want to say more ?
Do they live close to you ?
With Narcs everything is a game to them. If you ignore and get on with your life that’s what makes them mad. You have been through a lot in your life don’t let HIM affect your day. It’s not worth your energy. I know you know this. Just I don’t want you feeling down for silly bastards.
Sounds silly I used to suffer from anxiety and panic attacks and I used to do daily affirmations in the morning and in the evenings. It worked. Imagine I used to tell myself “ you are cool, calm collected. Today is a good day. “
Kinda insane but it brainwashed my mind. Plus watching RH.
Honestly RH saved me from a narcissistic abusive relationship.
Imagine I didn’t even know what a Narcissist was until I was 25 years of age.

 

[catchinguphere21]

I once stood up to my mum when she blustered into my living room uninvited, with a face the colour of a tomato and started yelling at me. I can still feel the pleasure of telling her calmly that “this is my house and I will not stand for any bullshit she was planning on spewing. If she wanted to talk rationally I would listen but if she was going to rant to leave immediately and close the door on the way out. My house my rules”. I can still see the shock on her face. It stopped her completely in her tracks and left her speechless.

Unfortunately that was the one and only time I’ve ever had the emotional strength to stand up to the old witch. And the only reason I did it was because she was coming to complain about one of my kids who she (wrongly) thought had wronged her.

I went complete mama bear defending my daughter. I only wish I could stand up for myself more often. But years of being ground down have left me drained.

Mr Toes keeps telling me to stand up to her. And I rehearse speeches constantly but I just can’t form the words when I’m with her.
But I’m betting she’ll never call any of my kids again. Because I’m certain that I’d probably find the words then

Why is it so difficult to defend myself?

Sorry for rambling but I too am in bed with a headache.
edited spelling mistake (damn autocorrect!)

Well done you for finding the strength to stand up to her, it's really hard. Does anybody else find their mother being so nice and caring towards your children and going against any parenting you have in place with them? If that makes sense ?

 

[catchinguphere21]

Hi, I'm sorry this is happening. It's emotional blackmail and triangulation as she's pitting you against her and your brother / her and your daughter.

My advice is stick to your guns. It can be really hard, but backing down gives her the power, so when another situation like this arises in the future she will know which strings to pull to manipulate you and control the narrative.

Have you spoken to your brother directly? It might be a good idea to let him know where you stand so he's not hearing your mothers version of events (which will be twisted to make you look bad by the sound of things)

Let us know how you get on

Thank you so much for your advice it is greatly appreciated. What could I say to my brother and his wife without coming across as "I couldn't be bothered attending" etc. I just don't want to put myself in that atmosphere as I get extremely unwell during and after it.

 

[Meringue22]

Hope everyone's ok on here x
I've heard about grey rocking on here today, been reading about it, it's very insightful, I'm going to try and to put it into practice.

I’ve decided to do this too. I’ve had a bit of a lightbulb moment this weekend!

 

[Urbanbunny]

I hear you - this is my experience too. The guilt is overwhelming. Do read what @cee-bee wrote. It will help.

It’s just annoying and a millstone that we need to carry around 24/7. Have had a wee read of her comments and will give them a try

 

[Tangent Tiger]

I can't go 100% no contact.

How do people cope with the temper tantrums and guilt tripping?

 

[Magnolia4]

It annoys me so much when my mom sort of complains that I don’t call and when I say she can also just call me, she claims she doesn’t want to be a bother. This logic kills me, if I’m busy I just won’t pick up?
I live abroad and it’s similar when discussing going to visit - I have 2 children, 2.5y and 5mo so obviously it’d be easier for me if my parents came to visit? He’s retired, she’s a teacher so plenty of time during school breaks but somehow there’s always something in the way or more important or preventing them from coming, or “it’d be better if you come to us instead” (it’s a 3h flight and fortunately it’s not a money issue). It’s just so frustrating

 

[Bettyboo2475]

Thank you. It has been emotional. Ive been scared to look at my phone this week for fear of what I'll receive next. And when I respond they all talk about it together and then I get a reply from another one. My husband has said he will talk on my behalf from now on at least.

I think that's good, i find my own voice in my head torments me with what ifs and criticism as if it isn't hard enough already. Your husband is lovely to step in and protect you. Stay strong. Xx

 

[Beach88]

Growing up , were you beaten as a child ?

I experienced this as a child.

Hope you are as ok as possible. Easter can be full of difficult memories.

 

[Maid22]

@Maid22 I have missed you too. I'm so sorry I disappeared, it just all got a bit too much.

How are you doing my lovely?

I so understand, really hope you're feeling better, it's so hard sometimes and a break from the internet is good, I do it to, not on here as much, but was so pleased to see you post, look after yourself xx

 

[Ablemabel]

id really recommend couples therapy… because for it to be sorted, your husband has to be willing to accept responsibility for his behaviour and want to change, and therapy can be a safe space for that type of reflection.

but yeh, I think reading up on comms style and CBT techniques would be a real eye opener for you.

for example, with CBT you relfect on scenarios like your husband huffing when you want to watch TV.

how do you feel when your husband voices that he wants to watch something else when you’re watching TV?

do you become tense? How does this manifest in your body? Do your shoulders tense up, do you clench your jaw?

do you feel panicked? What is your concern and the source of panic?

If the source of your panic is fear of your husbands disproval; why do you think you need his approval to watch your TV show? is there a fair balance of whose show you watch? If you watch his shows without complaint, is it inappropriate for you to want him to reciprocate? Or perhaps it’s a reasonable request? Are you able to observe those feelings of tension/guilt/fear and let them pass without reacting to them?

and so on! It’s all about observing your emotions and trying to understand them, rather than reacting to them, and learning to sit through uncomfortable emotions.

so in that scenario, you might want to say to your husband “I see you’re a bit put out I’m watching a show on TV, but I’ve watched your TV shows multiple times this week so I’m going to continue enjoying my show“.

the communication aspect of CBT, is about passive v active communication and when it’s appropriate. A lot of people pleasers communicate passively. We don’t direct our needs. It’s really worth reflecting and observing how you communicate!

This is such good advice!