Narcissistic and toxic parents #2

[ot55]

Is there a possibility she could have dementia?

She’s in her early 50’s and is functioning totally normally. But my Nan was a huge narc and ended up getting dementia so some genetic traits there

 

[test_name_please_ignore]

Just popping in to say I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that you’re not alone here, and I hope it’s helped a small part to share your experience. There’s lots of like-minded people here, Sending love xx

Thank you I really appreciate that. And yes even just sharing that does help in a way.
I will definitely be sticking around, in a weird way knowing others are going through similar makes me feel like I’m not so alone with this. My husband is incredible and so supportive, but he can be a little frustrating as he always thinks just appealing to my dads better side will make him see sense. But narcissists don’t have a better side do they!

 

[fnddlsoxnz]

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all of this.

I cut my narc mum out of my life in May and haven't spoken to her or any of my family members since. I didn't give her an explanation, just literally blocked her from being able to communicate with me on everything. I just got fed up of being the scapegoat child, of trying to process years of abuse while still having the person who caused the abuse being a large part of my life.

You don't owe yours an explanation either: in fact, taking the time to carefully draft an explanation would just be giving her one last load of narc supply from you, because if she's anything like my mum she won't actually care about what she's done wrong or what feelings she's hurt.

Feel like I could of wrote this myself

 

[Urbanbunny]

Yes it’s very easy to say that my mum had a great upbringing but I can see the cracks. My nana was super religious and old fashioned and my papa was very over-protective of my mum. When he died, she fell apart so I can see how she could have fallen apart. I can also see how she wasn’t allowed to develop any sense of responsibility as he was such a nice man he’d do everything for her.

But even sometimes now I worry deep down inside that I am just like her. But I love my child so much and I want to make people happy so who knows ? Maybe it’s just a mask and I don’t even know it’s a mask….

 

[EllsBellsWells]

I just thought... my gran recently passed (none of my family contacted me to tell me). I was on speaking terms with my gran and know she has left me something in her will. Does that mean I will have to speak to relatives? I'd rather not receive anything than have to speak to them.
---


Just realised this makes me sound really money grabbing. It isn't meant to.... I'm just panicking about one of them contacting me.

You should be able to buy the will from the gov website, and it should tell you who had been appointed as the solicitor and if it’s a solicitors firm handling the paperwork, that will be named on there too. You can contact the solicitors directly then, and if you were worried about just looking like you were only interested in the money you could instead ask about a particular item or keepsake of your Grans that you’re interested in. Here’s a link to search probate and then buy the will-

Search probate records for documents and wills (England and Wales)

Search online for a will, grant of representation or probate document for a death in or after 1858

www.gov.uk

This way might mean you have some control of the situation rather than living each day worrying that they’re going to contact you out of the blue. I’m really sorry for your loss, it’s really sad that nobody told you.

 

[PiesAndLattes]

parents.. and people in general.. who don’t make an effort to be in your life, don’t want to be in your life.

harsh, but usually true, with the rare exception.

there’s a ton of reasons why a parent might not want to be in their child’s life - not all parents love their children, not all parents like their children. Some parents/narcs are so bad at parenting that they hate to be reminded of it in the form of their offspring. The list of possibilities is endless.

The harsh truth is.. fighting to keep them in your life is a waste of time and energy. It’s better to accept the reality as it is (even if it’s hugely painful) and learn to accept the situation for what it is. Trying to “pretend” and play happy families with Narcs will only continue to hurt you and reinforce generational trauma.

accepting that your parents don’t really care is awful, truly awful. But when you face that truth, you also face the reality of who they are as people, and learn to accept that it was never a problem with you as a person, it’s them who are lacking.

as for that guilt? It’s likely reinforced by 2 things; societal expectations and the common narc tactic of using guilt and shame to control those around them.

I haven’t seen my narc parents in two years, and I feel a huge amount of shame and embarrassment when people ask me about it and judge (I have a very low tolerance for people who say things like “that’s so odd” and “but family is so important” very low.) I feel loneliness and sadness every day because of it, because I’ve faced the reality that i was never loved the way I deserve to be and I’ll never experience that relationship.

but equally, I’m much more at peace now.

Thank you and thank you for sharing your own personal experiences. I have been NC with my (what I believe to be) narc sister for many many years. It was surprisingly easy to cut her off after being treated so badly by her and watching her treat my family badly. I know one of my parents has cut her off, the other only speaks to her because of her child and wanting to be a grandparent. For some reason it feels harder to do that with parents who are otherwise “ok”. I feel the same though with the shame and guilt associated with telling people about the family dynamic. My partner has a very different family, super close and very strong bonds even with separated parents so it’s tough but it is what it is I guess. Thank you again

 

[Meringue22]

I once stood up to my mum when she blustered into my living room uninvited, with a face the colour of a tomato and started yelling at me. I can still feel the pleasure of telling her calmly that “this is my house and I will not stand for any bullshit she was planning on spewing. If she wanted to talk rationally I would listen but if she was going to rant to leave immediately and close the door on the way out. My house my rules”. I can still see the shock on her face. It stopped her completely in her tracks and left her speechless.

Unfortunately that was the one and only time I’ve ever had the emotional strength to stand up to the old witch. And the only reason I did it was because she was coming to complain about one of my kids who she (wrongly) thought had wronged her.

I went complete mama bear defending my daughter. I only wish I could stand up for myself more often. But years of being ground down have left me drained.

Mr Toes keeps telling me to stand up to her. And I rehearse speeches constantly but I just can’t form the words when I’m with her.
But I’m betting she’ll never call any of my kids again. Because I’m certain that I’d probably find the words then

Why is it so difficult to defend myself?

Sorry for rambling but I too am in bed with a headache.
edited spelling mistake (damn autocorrect!)

I’m the same. I find it so hard. And when I’ve found the guts to speak up she says ‘what’s wrong with you?! You’re so touchy!’.

 

[griftalo]

How did No Contact progress and work out for you? If you wouldn't mind sharing.

I've been in trauma therapy for a few years now. Before that, I did talk therapy for the first time ever and just the act of being listened to and empathised with for literally the first time in 30 years changed my whole life. I was able to make some really positive life changes after that. But it was the beginning of the fall of the "I had a great / privileged childhood" house of cards.

I'm very low contact these days. I don't call or text. A lot of that happened after my wedding, since I couldn't reconcile my and my fiancé's incredible generosity and inclusion of my family with the terrible, neglectful treatment of my mother at the time. Plus I have the loveliest, kindest, warmest mother in law and the contrast really opened my eyes.

Cutting my mother off entirely hasn't happened, since I would also lose my sister and father to that and they are not as fcuked up or toxic to me as my mother. I tell her nothing though and maintain strict boundaries. There will have to be a conversation soon about my mentally ill older brother though, who my mother minds almost full-time and she's in her 70s now. And no way is that situation getting handed over to me in their old age. I just haven't been in a healed enough place to be able to have the conversation yet.

It’s been a good few years, I’d be better if I could have stopped her seeing some of my children but I’ve done what I can. I have been able to keep my younger ones away which is a blessing as she’s negatively affected relationships in the family - as you’d expect!
I don’t think you need to have a conversation, do you? I’d wait until it’s brought up and just say no.

 

[Readingismyhobby]

How did you train yourself not to react to what your toxic parent say? I'm visiting my parents (my mum asked and I felt too guilty to say no). At this point, I'm pretty good at ignoring my dad and not reacting to his comments. Except when he starts talking about current events. My work is all about current events, we see the horrifying aftermath in details everyday, we analyze everything and work on what is gonna happen (terrible stuff). It's like he enjoys other people pain, he says cruel things until I can't hold it anymore. It's stupid because I know he doesn't care, he only does it for fun.

The aftermath is terrible because my hands shake so bad, I can't do anything for 30mn, and I want to burst into tears like a child. I can't stop thinking about what he used to do when we dared stand up to him or disagree as kids. I hate how small he makes me feel when I'm in my 20s ffs.

Can you train yourself to be aloof? Or do you have any tips? Any book recommendations?

I had the Grey Rock approach recommended to me. If you google it there is lots about it. I also reduced my contact with my mother to the absolute minimum.

 

[it’s not been changed?!]

She sounds like she's constantly trying to needle you. Perhaps she's insecure.

Only way to stop it is to not react at all. Eventually she might cut it out, sometimes they don't because it's a default behaviour for them. Unfortunately like everything this means you have to focus on your reaction to her and try not to have one. It's bloody difficult!

Thank you. At the time she says these things, they kind of go over my head, so I don’t really have a reaction. It’s only afterwards, when I relay the conversation, I realise she’s trying to embarrass me and put me down in front of other people.
I was never brought up to talk to people the way she does. It’s ridiculous that I let it bother me since I’m nearly 40 and she’s almost 60.

 

[catchinguphere21]

Advice needed please..

So my nephews Holy communion is coming up in 3 weeks time... there is a meal booked for afterwards, all family invited .

These are the things that I find really stressful, as my mother will single me out or do & say things to trigger me. I have chosen to look after my wellbeing in the last 2-3 months by being distant. When I told her on phone this evening that my daughters and I would not be going , she turned it back on my saying... you can't do that, your brother will be so disappointed as he has always attended your things (not always) just guilt tripping me here , the usual she then said ... have you not asked "my teenage daughter" does she want to go, or are you stopping her too?


I'm really exhausted by this

She always uses my teenage daughter against me , making out that I'M the problem always. Please can I have advice on how to deal with this situation.

 

[HitnMiss]

Typical narc behaviour. I'm glad your cousin is seeing it too. I sometimes questioned myself and wondered if I'd misunderstood but I see it clearly now!

Are you in contact with her?

I recently heard of a psychotherapist on YouTube called Ross Rosenberg and I've found his videos helpful.

 

[Tangent Tiger]

Me again.havent heard if he's croaked it, really wish he would, so sick of hearing he's on the way out, I know I'm gona have a problem, I REALLY don't want my name in his obituary or on his headstone, but there's fuck all I can do unless I speak to the others, which I really don't want to do.

I quite admire the way you're so forthright upon it. I'm still conditioned to be a "good" girl most of the time, even though it can drive me berserk.

It's really difficult to say you don't like or want to be near your relative! I can't stand my sibling.

Seems like a lot of people here have to put up with temper tantrums and vicious lies, must be a personality type. I'm slightly mixed about my mother, she's either full on nasty or too gushy. I don't like either mode!

Why does holiday season mean that they are on top form?! My narc has been playing up too. I love Christmas as well, why do they have to ruin it?!

I guess they want to put up a facade of everything's perfect during the festive season and feel that they deserve attention/indulgence?

 

[Chandler Bing]

@Chandler Bing hope you're ok x
My 'brother' really hate calling him that, has actually turned out worse than my old man, I would never have thought it years ago ( he lived with us for ages ) but something nasty changed in him, but to everyone else, the likeable charmer bloke, he won't discuss things, he threatens and warns you, it's hard to explain on here, but I'm sure most on here understand, it's awful sad reading on here what we've all had to go through, truly breaks my heart.

On another note, @Nadia Vulvokov well done you and congratulations

They look so good to strangers don't they. All about appearances.

 

[Nadia Vulvokov]

I think about this sometimes but try to remind myself of all the good things I have now as an adult mostly my wonderful partner and what I always longed for, my independence.

But there are personality traits and mentalities I carry around now that are so difficult to break that id love to go back and overcome. I'm very socially awkward too as my NM would nitpick at anything and everything I ever said or did to other people so I ended up not saying anything which she then called rude! I also have quite bad health anxiety which comes and goes as my mother would talk incessantly about illnesses, people dying, her own hypochondriac behaviour from I was tiny.

Just wanted to say that I have a lot of respect for you! To recognise your unwanted traits, which everyone has and narcs make no effort to address or acknowledge, shows massive self awareness and empathy.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Almost 2 years since I went no contact with my dad. Except I'm realising that I never actually went no contact with him, all I did was never message or call him again and he has never been in touch!

 

[Eureka]

Try not to feel embarrassed. I know it’s easy to say and difficult to rearrange in your head. But everyone needs to release and I’m sure most of your friends have cried and got emotional before. It’s just difficult trying to express how much a narc parent destroys your life to people who don’t have narc parents. They (from personal experience) assume that you are over reacting and this is normally based on their “normal” relationship with their parents. The very idea that someone doesn’t like their own parents is an alien concept to most people.
One of my (now ex) friends told me that I should cherish my mother because I only have one. And when I told her that my mother is toxic and I’d prefer to not have to speak to her again she called me a selfish bitch and hasn’t spoken to me since!! (Her loss)

What I’m trying to say. But not very well is we understand we live with the same feelings you have and if you want to get drunk and vent on here we won’t judge because we’re all walking the same path as you

much love

Thank you so much.

 

[Maid22]

Hope everyone's ok on here x
I've heard about grey rocking on here today, been reading about it, it's very insightful, I'm going to try and to put it into practice.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

How do you deal with other family members who criticise me for walking away from my neglectful parents? It's particularly loud around things like Easter and Christmas. I'm struggling a bit at the moment x

I struggle with this too. As if it isn't hard enough having to go no contact without being judged and condemned by others.... I hope you are okay.

 

[Merpedy]

My narcissistic mother decided that this year we must make some sort of effort for Christmas. I don’t know why or who she’s trying to show off to given that we never do anything and it’s just another day

Of course she’s now completely stressed herself out about it and is going to complain later about how I didn’t help. Yet at no point has she asked me to help and even if I tried it would become a problem or not good enough or whatever. It’s just really tiring

I’m also not a fan of Turkey and she’s making a whole thing of having Turkey this year and I’m obviously stuck in a position where I can’t just reject it outright as that would be rude and she’d cry about all the effort she made, which no one asked her to make at any point

She’s meant to be working for most of the time so I was really excited to just do Christmas Day on my own but she’s managed to ruin that too with all of this unnecessary stuff