Narcissistic and toxic parents #2

[Rodneytrotter]

Wow, so sorry for you all struggling at the moment with narc parents. Hugs for those who need it today. Be kind to yourselves and remember, although it's hard, the person attacking you does not like themselves very much.

As predicted my own narc mum has completely lost her s*** with me for politely asking her not to make my daughter uncomfortable with interrogations every time they are alone (sometimes when they aren't too). I am now being accused of keeping my daughter from her. She saw her yesterday. She then starts dragging up allsorts of untrue accusations from years back. I'm also just back from the emergency Dr's as got bacterial sinusitis and gone deaf in one ear. she knows I'm unwell. Now my daughter keeps apologising for bringing up the fact she felt awkward with all the questioning and she feels terrible about it. I'm exhausted

I hope you get well soon and how typical of a narc to not cope with being faced with the truth

It would be worth reassuring your daughter that she absolutely did the right thing in telling you that she felt uncomfortable.

 

[Nadia Vulvokov]

I hope you get well soon and how typical of a narc to not cope with being faced with the truth

It would be worth reassuring your daughter that she absolutely did the right thing in telling you that she felt uncomfortable.

Thank you, I have reassured her loads and she's feeling a bit less frazzled today.

 

[Snowjoke]

Blamed for Christmas not going the way they want it to go. They don’t know what they have done to deserve this, a family that can’t be together on Christmas. Insane that people can be this deluded

 

[no-no]

First time poster but after Xmas my head is.
Does anyone else bite their tongue so much out of knowing nothing good will come from expressing your feelings and only one person (me!!) will end up upset?!
I truly feel like it’s time to step away from my entire immediate family (parents and brother) after years of emotional torment but it is just so so hard.

Biting my tongue isn’t enough, I have to completely quash reality. Very jarring when family, neighbours etc don’t know what they’ve put you through, and even when you’ve tried to confide to family they don’t want to know. Total flying monkeys who just label you the oddball/problem. This is why I don’t have anything to do with people (hoping that’ll change one day), because the ones I’ve met only care about how you make them feel and a narc is usually the ultimate schmoozer.

 

[Maid22]

My old man has finally died, I feel nothing, why should I? My oh keeps on asking how I am, he really doesn't understand that I don't care, I've had no contact for over 10 years, so he's been dead to me well before that.

 

[KirstyC]

New to this thread but just wondering how you guys have coped with a narc parent when can’t just cut off contact with them? My mother is the narc but my dad is a wonderful person and my young daughter doesn’t see my mothers narc ways and adores her so I couldn’t just cut contact for that reason.. but she’s becoming more and more unbearable and it’s grinding me down now. One minute she’s nice as pie and the next she’s really nasty, making lies up and causing me and my sisters to argue and fall out.

 

[shadowcat5]

New to this thread but just wondering how you guys have coped with a narc parent when can’t just cut off contact with them? My mother is the narc but my dad is a wonderful person and my young daughter doesn’t see my mothers narc ways and adores her so I couldn’t just cut contact for that reason.. but she’s becoming more and more unbearable and it’s grinding me down now. One minute she’s nice as pie and the next she’s really nasty, making lies up and causing me and my sisters to argue and fall out.

I have a similar circumstance. I can't cut her off because it's too much hassle, and she runs to other family members to nag me. I'm also an only child so there is no other sibling as a buffer.

I personally follow the shallow, off topic of me talk and disengage technique (it's not a real technique lol). I keep conversations light and about her, I answer minimally about myself and when she starts her nonsense I disengage. This way I give her 0 ammo.
So for example, she will kick off because I am not doing as she pleases (One time she kicked off because I didn't want to take extra t shirts on holiday with me.) so I will say "I am happy like this." or "I am fine with it this way so no worries". She will keep trying to argue but I will stick to the wall of 'no worries' until she gets bored. We're at a stage where she stops bothering after 2 attempts now because she knows I will just no worries her off.
It's hard going and sometimes I do fall into the trap of arguing with her or the back and fourth and it wears me down but I am working on it.

 

[Definitely Maybe]

@shadowcat5 if you google the term 'grey rock' you will see this is a term used to describe the method you used, one of the google results says ' The tactic includes limiting emotional responses, avoiding eye contact, and removing yourself from situations whenever it's possible to do so'

 

[Slaybutter]

I blocked my mom this morning. She was blowing up my phone in order to try and gaslight me. Not anymore. I feel so peaceful now

 

[Nadia Vulvokov]

Well done thats a big step, you stay peaceful and enjoy your day! I text my mum yesterday to say she can't speak to me like she does anymore as I won't accept it. She did not reply. Was supposed to be there for lunch today but bailed out in a polite way by text this morning, now I'm in the pub eating steak and having a pint of cider waiting for the football to start. I'm also feeling very peaceful right now! Happy New Year to you all x

 

[Slaybutter]

Well done!!

 

[Nadia Vulvokov]

Well done!!

Thank you!

It's not often she's stood up to, so think I flustered her with the very diplomatic text about how she speaks to me. Then when I politely declined coming over today she didn't know how to react!

Either way I've had a great new years day and just couldn't stand to be in such a tense and oppressive environment today.

Starting the year as I mean to go on and it feels pretty good!

 

[Keikochan]

I cut contact with parents 6 years ago. Blocked them on phone, changed my email, blocked on all social media, returned to sender any sent post.
Finally, just a weeks ago, my husband and I closed on our new apartment. Obviously we are both super delighted to now own a home but the cherry on top is that they don't know where I live now. No longer do I have a fear of them stalking me outside, waiting to pounce on me if I leave the house.

 

[Slaybutter]

@Nadia Vulvokov That’s great I was two seconds away from losing it but then I came to this thread and was reminded about grey rock. In the past it hasn’t worked on her (she’s happy to talk nonstop without asking a single question!!) but it also gave me the motivation not to get emotional and give her that satisfaction.

@Keikochan bliss congratulations and enjoy

 

[Tanne1999]

My dad was due to come up for new year but his van has a fuel leak, so obviously cannot drive it.

My mums side of the family hate him. He was quiet absent in my younger years, but has been much better in adult years and we have a good relationship now.
We moved away nearly 2 years ago, and most of our family haven’t visited, or have only visited once. He’s been up quite a few times - he even asks to come up, doesn’t wait to be invited, which shows he puts the effort in.

Spoke to my Nan this morning. She asked if he did come up, I said no because of the van. She went to rip into him by saying ‘well I can’t say I’m shocked, he’s always been a let down and you should know he’ll never change’
Put her firmly back in her place there because I won’t have him slagged off for no reason just because they don’t like him based on the past.

 

[candyland_]

Well done to everyone who is standing up for themselves.

 

[call.me.coco]

My daughter turns 2 next month.
My in-laws live 2hrs away and my family live 3.5hrs away. Last year for her 1st birthday we had a small celebration at home and invited both sides of the family. My mum turned down the invite as its too far and she doesn’t get on with my in-laws. My mum said we should travel up instead the next day and she’ll do a little party at her house. My in-laws accepted our invite and came to our house and we had a really nice celebration.

My mum made a huge fuss that I had chosen to celebrate with my in-laws instead of with her. She was organising a party at her house and when we went up she kept saying how pointless it was her doing this as we’re not celebrating on the actual birthday but the next day.

I don’t want another dampener this year. I do not want to travel up and waste my whole weekend. In the past 3 years she has come down to visit no more then 3-4 times and had left early each time. We are expected to come up to visit every month and even then she always makes comments that we never visit.

She has already mentioned about doing another party at her house this year. I don’t want to go up. I want to host my daughter’s birthday and if she chooses not to come then that’s her choice. Why should I have to always be the one doing the travel. She’s perfectly fit, owns a car and could easily afford a train/coach ticket. The last excuse I got was that it’s ‘too cold’ to travel.

Sorry for the rant.

 

[Nadia Vulvokov]

My daughter turns 2 next month.
My in-laws live 2hrs away and my family live 3.5hrs away. Last year for her 1st birthday we had a small celebration at home and invited both sides of the family. My mum turned down the invite as its too far and she doesn’t get on with my in-laws. My mum said we should travel up instead the next day and she’ll do a little party at her house. My in-laws accepted our invite and came to our house and we had a really nice celebration.

My mum made a huge fuss that I had chosen to celebrate with my in-laws instead of with her. She was organising a party at her house and when we went up she kept saying how pointless it was her doing this as we’re not celebrating on the actual birthday but the next day.

I don’t want another dampener this year. I do not want to travel up and waste my whole weekend. In the past 3 years she has come down to visit no more then 3-4 times and had left early each time. We are expected to come up to visit every month and even then she always makes comments that we never visit.

She has already mentioned about doing another party at her house this year. I don’t want to go up. I want to host my daughter’s birthday and if she chooses not to come then that’s her choice. Why should I have to always be the one doing the travel. She’s perfectly fit, owns a car and could easily afford a train/coach ticket. The last excuse I got was that it’s ‘too cold’ to travel.

Sorry for the rant.

Sorry that you are in this situation. Why do Narcs switch up like that when they've already said they'd do something?! My own mum does it when she takes my daughter out shopping for example, and then when she brings her home makes a point of saying how much money she's spent! Sometimes I've felt so bad I've given her some money back and yes she took it!

Having stood up to my own mum over new year, my advice is to stick to your guns. Like you say, you will be travelling a long way and then possibly faced with awkwardness and passive aggressive behaviour. It's hard but you might feel lighter for standing your ground! Hope your daughter has a lovely birthday.

ETA you could counter argue its too cold to travel with a toddler?

 

[Rodneytrotter]

I remember this weird thing my mum used to do quite a lot:

She would ask me if I thought she was fat. If I answered no she would call me a liar, if I said yes she would say I'm nasty. And if I refused to answer she would pester the life out of me until I did.

 

[Maid22]

I've just had the nastiest phone call ever, why are your so called family so nasty? I've been made out to be a liar, that really pisses me off, I don't lie and I remember stuff, but they've all changed what really happened, so it makes me look in the wrong, I wish they'd all disappear and never bother me ever again.