Jack Monroe #130 Or, more likely it just didn’t happen

Status
Thread locked. We lock threads when they have 1000 posts, click the blue button to see all threads for this topic and find the latest open thread.
New to Tattle Life? Click "Order Thread by Most Liked Posts" button below to get an idea of what the site is about:

Pocahontas

VIP Member
Congratulations to @Walkdengirl for the words and @waffle maker for the nomination! 🎉 A joint thread title effort. Your prize: a baggy each of the scrap stock.

Recap of thread #129

  1. She was so happy and proud about Thunderclap.
  2. Earworm Jack woz ere.
  3. Plant Jack was ‘too shy’ to contact James Wong.
  4. Her vegan pastitsio was what Linda M would have wanted (to insulate her loft with). What about the blue plastic ..?
  5. Her ‘frustrated, autistic head’ needs help with discerning when evening time starts. Another one of her thrilling pollz.
  6. Politics Jack says you have to impeach Trump because she was expelled for stealing a scalpel.
  7. She hid being expelled from her parents. Hmm.
  8. She could have been a teacher, you know.
  9. She dusted off one of her favourite stories about the time she got some ‘household name respected news editors and reporters and journalists’ telt at a dinner party.
  10. The Unbearable Lightness of Jack.
  11. She ate three sandwiches outside of meal times.
  12. She cleaned her kitchen. I repeat, she cleaned her kitchen.
  13. @appleskin is the toaster truther.
  14. Salt and vinegar leeks for breakfast, anyone?
  15. Her sense of taste is still in the recovery period.
  16. Scrappy dappy stock.
  17. [*]
    For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):

    Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
    Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/

    Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.

    For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.

    *** JACKISMS ***

    Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:

    Yes, absolutely x

    Some other favourite Jack quotes:

    ‘Babe, same’
    ‘I did a chaos’
    ‘My maverick brain’
    ‘My sad little face’
    ‘I’m BUSY’
    ‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
    ‘I laughed up a lung’

    ** NEW **
    ‘Literally hella embarrassed AF’ about ‘Brexit and flip-flopping Covid flippancy’ and she ‘didn’t even vote for it’.

    She likes to describe herself as ‘puppyishly honest and naively enthusiastic’

    As of late November 2020, Jack conceded she is not poor, but living to a budget as she is saving for a forever home for her and SB.

    *****

    One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **

    To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).

    Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *

    Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)

    We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.

    During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.

    Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.

    Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.

    *Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*

    Also:
    • She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
    • She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
    • Her dad's a fucking LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
    • Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
    • ** NEW ** However, during Lockdown 2 (November 2020), a bubble buddy, ‘buddle’ (BB) came to stay with Jack. BB is pescatarian, cycles 200 miles a week, and works in London. Jack is teaching her to cook, while also using her as a figure of gentle ridicule. She cannot cook, she cannot iron, she cannot clean the television properly, she left the hose out and it got eaten by a fox, and she doesn’t know the difference between wet and dry ingredients.
    • Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
    • She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
    • During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
    • The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.
    • She recently claimed she found her Burberry scarf in a muddy puddle.
    [*]
    Use the pink link tab at the top of the thread to find Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, where you will find all episodes of Daily Kitchen Live.

    We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.

    • Lastly, but importantly, when submitting ideas for the next thread title, please use the words ‘thread title’, as it makes it easier to search. Just using the number won’t be enough. We also can’t have swears in the title, and try to hold off until around p. 40 for your suggestions, if possible. ThankYOU.
    [*][*]
 
Last edited:

Switchstreetz

Chatty Member
Jack can you calm the hell down and go for a dinosaur nap please? some of us are barely into #128 😭



(probably already been mentioned but Laura Waddell did a fantastic write up on the Alison Pearson twitter situation, sadly without mentioning true hero of the hour 'fellow express telegraph writer' Jack Monroe. Can read it here)
 

Harrybosch

VIP Member
I mean, she even has the non-existent toaster on full view!

Pathological! (I’m not a doctor, M’lud, just guessing)

That space where the flowers are is where her old fridge was. It will accommodate any standard 60cm width fridge or fridge freezer. Why is her fridge in the hall again? Oh, yes, right, it's because she chose to buy a £3,000 double door giant smeg to keep food for a two-person household.

Jack is neither poor nor an eco warrior.
 

Emmapism

VIP Member
Thanks for the new thread and most brilliant summary @Pocahontas 🙂

Unlike Jack I don't gently declutter I just throw broken or old things forcefully into the bin.

Then again my flat doesn't look like a dirty jumble sale so maybe I'm doing it wrong.

I should probably be more gentle and mindful and start lying about toasters........for.....some.....reason 🤷👍😂

ETA: Shout out to the blue jug at the top. You would be a natural place for all of those flowers but Jack prefers to spread them out across various milk bottles because she's such a maverick!
 

Walkdengirl

VIP Member
Congratulations to @Walkdengirl for the words and @waffle maker for the nomination! 🎉 A joint thread title effort. Your prize: a baggy each of the scrap stock.

Recap of thread #129

  1. She was so happy and proud about Thunderclap.
  2. Earworm Jack woz ere.
  3. Plant Jack was ‘too shy’ to contact James Wong.
  4. Her vegan pastitsio was what Linda M would have wanted (to insulate her loft with). What about the blue plastic ..?
  5. Her ‘frustrated, autistic head’ needs help with discerning when evening time starts. Another one of her thrilling pollz.
  6. Politics Jack says you have to impeach Trump because she was expelled for stealing a scalpel.
  7. She hid being expelled from her parents. Hmm.
  8. She could have been a teacher, you know.
  9. She dusted off one of her favourite stories about the time she got some ‘household name respected news editors and reporters and journalists’ telt at a dinner party.
  10. The Unbearable Lightness of Jack.
  11. She ate three sandwiches outside of meal times.
  12. She cleaned her kitchen. I repeat, she cleaned her kitchen.
  13. @appleskin is the toaster truther.
  14. Salt and vinegar leeks for breakfast, anyone?
  15. Her sense of taste is still in the recovery period.
  16. Scrappy dappy stock.
  17. [*]
    For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):

    Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
    Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/

    Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.

    For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.

    *** JACKISMS ***

    Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:

    Yes, absolutely x

    Some other favourite Jack quotes:

    ‘Babe, same’
    ‘I did a chaos’
    ‘My maverick brain’
    ‘My sad little face’
    ‘I’m BUSY’
    ‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
    ‘I laughed up a lung’

    ** NEW **
    ‘Literally hella embarrassed AF’ about ‘Brexit and flip-flopping Covid flippancy’ and she ‘didn’t even vote for it’.

    She likes to describe herself as ‘puppyishly honest and naively enthusiastic’

    As of late November 2020, Jack conceded she is not poor, but living to a budget as she is saving for a forever home for her and SB.

    *****

    One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **

    To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).

    Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *

    Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)

    We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.

    During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.

    Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.

    Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.

    *Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*

    Also:
    • She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
    • She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
    • Her dad's a fucking LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
    • Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
    • ** NEW ** However, during Lockdown 2 (November 2020), a bubble buddy, ‘buddle’ (BB) came to stay with Jack. BB is pescatarian, cycles 200 miles a week, and works in London. Jack is teaching her to cook, while also using her as a figure of gentle ridicule. She cannot cook, she cannot iron, she cannot clean the television properly, she left the hose out and it got eaten by a fox, and she doesn’t know the difference between wet and dry ingredients.
    • Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
    • She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
    • During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
    • The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.
    • She recently claimed she found her Burberry scarf in a muddy puddle.
    [*][*][*]
    Use the pink link tab at the top of the thread to find Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, where you will find all episodes of Daily Kitchen Live.

    We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.

    • Lastly, but importantly, when submitting ideas for the next thread title, please use the words ‘thread title’, as it makes it easier to search. Just using the number won’t be enough. We also can’t have swears in the title, and try to hold off until around p. 40 for your suggestions, if possible. ThankYOU.
    [*][*][*][*]
Oh my word, I'm truly honoured. thank (space) you @Pocahontas and @waffle maker
 

LyraBalaqua

Chatty Member
I think Lockdown is getting to me as I'm finding the merry (non existent) toaster dance highly amusing. 😁 Where will it appear next? Is it even the same one?

Please someone send her a nail brush with NAILS written on it. We'd all be forever grateful. 👍
Anyone who’s had children ; remember the Usbourne books with the duck that was somewhere on the page, we can look for The Happy Toaster 🍞
 

Lanie

VIP Member
That space where the flowers are is where her old fridge was. It will accommodate any standard 60cm width fridge or fridge freezer. Why is her fridge in the hall again? Oh, yes, right, it's because she chose to buy a £3,000 double door giant smeg to keep food for a two-person household.

Jack is neither poor nor an eco warrior.
Does she have her sweeping brush and shovel hanging above her bench. Yum. Shitty cat paw crumbs from the kitchen floor in youre sandwich.. 🤢🤢
 

Brian Butterfield

VIP Member
That space where the flowers are is where her old fridge was. It will accommodate any standard 60cm width fridge or fridge freezer. Why is her fridge in the hall again? Oh, yes, right, it's because she chose to buy a £3,000 double door giant smeg to keep food for a two-person household.

Jack is neither poor nor an eco warrior.
Whenever she uses the words gentle, soft or buttery it makes me do a sick in my mouth.
 

PoorPatrol

VIP Member
I'm waiting for the picture of the greedy smol goblin surrounded by softy softy cheap white bread toast now there's a toaster. There will be no control!
Mmmm lard on cheap toast
FYI, in her dreadful Bootstrap book, she says any time they want bread in her house, they make it. Her foolproof wonderful recipes mean that one never needs to schlep to Asda to buy an inferior alternative, obvs 🙄
 

Lanie

VIP Member
Honestly she should be careful cat shit can carry toxoplasmosis. Look it up, it's horrid. It's not something I would want to twit about with. I'm not saying she uses it to clean up the cat shit but the cat will most likely have bits of it on its paws and walking it through the house.

I would never let a cat on my worktops for that very reason. I'm am a big animal lover but I don't see the need to share my cooking and food prep place with them. My old dog had its own bowls and fork and her own bed that all got wash regulary. The floors were hoovered and washed daily.
 
Status
Thread locked. We lock threads when they have 1000 posts, click the blue button to see all threads for this topic and find the latest open thread.
Top
AdBlock Detected

Please disable your adblocker to use tattle

I've Disabled AdBlock    No Thanks