Jack Monroe #105 The slop thickens

[Smeghead]

Jack Monroe #106 She’s ‘aving a carafe

 

[BeautifulTrauma]

The best post ever to grace Tattle has been found once again...

 

[lilamay]

This squiggle knows what's what!

 

[Alansbigplate]

Thanks for the new digs @Pocahontas cripes we move more often than Jack

 

[Pocahontas]

Congratulations to @ScamSandwich for the words and @IGisntreal for the nomination! 72 reactions Mmmincemeat doughnut apiece for both of you.

Recap of thread #104

1. She feels less stressed out now she’s not being rigid about spending exactly £20 on Sundays (tired of that lark, amiright?).
2. She doesn’t watch Strictly but was ‘raging’ that Nicola Adams had to pull out. No need to go full metal Jack - it was to self isolate due to her dance partner testing positive for Covid.
3. @colouredlines made a Jackellany Jacktionary Jackopedia, just in case you ever a spot a Jack out in the wild and need to identify exactly which type you’re dealing with.
4. Jack says: ‘I’m a big fan of the accidental kisses on tweets and I don’t care how basic it makes me look tbh x.’
5. She promoted The Unwritten and asked them for a job, while also reminding them that she was in on the concept.
6. She finally realised Dominic Cummings had left No. 10.
7. She was contacted by someone re: some sausages, but to quote @Harrybosch, the account may be ‘less kosher than Jack’s sausages’.
8. She put her cutting political commentary hat on and joked about Trump and Cummings.
9. She counts herself among the Excluded.
10. Wedge up Jack is popping to the shop again. Such kindness.
11. Jack is the ‘kindest person on Twitter’. ‘Thankyou xxx’. Oh, stop. No, you stop. Stop.
12. She thinks Boris Johnson’s brother is ok because he’s ‘immaculately turned out and very polite’. He’s got such good values.
13. More treats out of that pesky November food budget. They just ‘fell into the trolley’. This happens a lot to people on a strict budget.
14. She’s taken it upon herself to be a Monster Munch martyr. She basked in the flattery.
15. Such an environmentalist.
16. Oh, pleeeaaase let her do a publishing quote?
17. The cooking lessons with buddle continued, plus more sanctioned nitpicking. They were ~both~ in hysterics enough for her pick up her phone and film it, but she won’t post it because she doesn’t want to ... identify her and she ... respects her privacy.
18. Mince pie doughnuts gave her absolute GLEE. She was ‘honestly unbearably pleased with herself’. No shit.
19. She invented them, fam.
20. Spoiler: Jack for Dummies

    [*]
    For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):
    
    Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
    Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/
    
    Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.
    
    For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.
    
    *** JACKISMS ***
    
    Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:
    
    Yes, absolutely x
    
    Some other favourite Jack quotes:
    
    ‘Babe, same’
    ‘I did a chaos’
    ‘My maverick brain’
    ‘My sad little face’
    ‘I’m BUSY’
    ‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
    ‘I laughed up a lung’
    **New**
    ‘Literally hella embarrassed AF’ about ‘Brexit and flip-flopping Covid flippancy my and she ‘didn’t even vote for it’
    She likes to describe herself as ‘puppyishly honest and naively enthusiastic’
    
    One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **
    
    To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).
    
    Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *
    
    Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)
    
    We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.
    
    During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.
    
    Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.
    
    Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.
    
    *Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*
    
    Also:
    

    • She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
    • She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
    • Her dad's a fucking LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
    • Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
    • Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
    • She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
    • During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
    • The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.
    • She recently claimed she found her Burberry scarf in a muddy puddle.

    
    Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.
    
    We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.
    
    

    • Lastly, but importantly, when submitting ideas for the next thread title, please use the words ‘thread title’, as it makes it easier to search. Just using the number won’t be enough. We also can’t have swears in the title, and try to hold off until around p. 40 for your suggestions, if possible. ThankYOU.

    [*]

 

[Boyo]

I‘m sorry but if you were really on the bones of your arse, you’d give these rings (which you are trying to imply don’t mean anything to you) a wipe and get down the jewellers or pawnbrokers, to exchange them for butter tokens or ouchy ointment vouchers or whatever, wouldn’t you? You may have a ‘stupidly small finger’ but you’ve not got the only one that size in the world. There are others. Otherwise, there’d be no need for a size letter for it. Make it make sense.

 

[lilamay]

I actually had to go for an angry walk to let off steam after her Twitter nonsense. One minute she can't afford butter and the next she's Father fucking Griftmas.

'Father fucking Griftmas'
I know it's too early to suggest a thread title but...

ETA - seems I'm now a VIP member! Fancy!

 

[Scarletfever]

More to the point, you'd be thinking 'that isn't grapefruit squash she's knocking back in a carafe that's conveniently disguising the colour of the liquid inside'. You'd be thinking 'Fucking Hell, she's knocking back the wine some'.

Grapefruit squash wasn't on the £20 shop. I'm starting to think she's not being 100% transparent on what she spends on food and drink

 

[ChickenPorridge]

Guys I've been waiting for a while to post this, just been waiting for the right time as I want to do it justice. Something very very dramatic happened to me a while back it was an incident involving a very very sharp small piece of fauna and my finger. I won't go into detail as the details don't exist and I don't have time to make any up, I'm too busy. I've spoilered it as it might be uncomfortable reading for some of you and I never ever strive to upset anybody.

Spoiler: Dramatic secret

Jack is still a massive twat

 

[Millais]

I've been, well not quite Grunka-ing because there's not a hope in hell of me catching up at the rate I'm reading, but plowing through the Jack threads since I discovered Tattle during the Jack in Edinburgh saga, and now that I'm at the point in my catch up where Jack has just arrived in Edinburgh, I figured it was a good and symbolic time to make the leap into another timeline and introduce myself here in the present. Thank you for entertaining me on my journey during these long lockdown evenings, may all of you be blessed with a Smeg of mysterious provenance and a DM slide from Matt and his forearms, you lovely and hilarious lot.

The thing that absolutely blew my mind was when I realised how much had happened in such a short space of time. It was when someone mentioned that Jack had only had that poor kitten for one or two weeks that I thought "I'm sorry? What?!" I thought those threads had covered at least a month or more! Then I went back and chose random pages on random previous threads and took note of the dates, and was shocked to discover that things that I had assumed to have happened months apart had actually happened weeks or even DAYS apart. I can't get over how utterly exhausting it must be to be or know Jack. More has happened to Jack in the few months between Daily Kitchen starting and setting up her tripod in Edinburgh than I think has happened in my entire life!

 

[Passive_Aggressive_Lemon]

I don’t read these threads any more because quite honestly she sent me over the edge with ouchymouth (the original one not the subsequent cover versions). But I always read the summaries as I’m tagged in the spoiler.

@Pocahontas you make me HOOT each and every time. You are a national treasure and should be rewarded with at the very least an MBE if not a damehood for services to tattlers. Now fuck off x

 

[BeautifulTrauma]

Omg Thread 31 was amazing! I remember JM attempting to gaslight me, making out she had DM’d me and that she hadn’t blocked me on Twitter because I asked why her and Matt were so negative about afternoon tea. She had unblocked me whilst on Thread 31 to try and make out I was making it all up! It was the most surreal thing ever as I even started to doubt myself, so god knows what Louisa feels like being with her 24/7.

She genuinely thought she’d come on here like she does on Twitter and Mumsnet and have everyone feeling sorry for her by the end. We didn’t, she didn’t know what to do or how to handle people who weren’t hanging on her every word and she flounced. It was a sight to behold.

 

[ChickenPorridge]

Didn't she say earlier she checks with BB beforehand each time she mentions her on twitter?

If that happens (a big if) just utter lol at this taking place and Jack quickly asking for permission to tweet about it. "BB, just about to share that funny thing I said with my twitter followers. Need to mention you to provide context, is that ok?"

"Go back to bed Jack"

The whole sad story was fabricated in her maverick brain to showcase that her and BB aren't sharing a room, and to list all of her 'lowly' belongings in an imaginary will. I try not to be too *scathing* in my posts here, but....tragic

 

[Blurp]

Second mention of the fixed contract yet she previously said that she was on a rolling contract. She's forgetting her own lies as she's so thick. Given that the landlord has put t'house on t'internet as being available from February some weeks ago, I don't think that she's going to have much trouble with getting out of said contract. She was already sorting out her crap and packing. Hope she gets rid of all the dreadful bowls and plates as well as the archaeological cutlery.

OK, so who is said "friend" whose name begins with L but isn't Louisa, then, Twat? Have you actually got a friend that you haven't driven away and demented? Especially given that Louisa starts her cycle rides from your current house. If you were actually worried about security, you wouldn't share so many details and photos of the house and area, and would have encouraged Louisa to make her Strava private earlier. You are a danger to yourself and tweet every thought and fart all day and night long. Numpty.

Oh, and put your fucking family first for just once in your life, you selfish wanker. You've never done anything of the sort. If we actually believed that you'd ever been in dire poverty, you would have been the most shit mother since Magda Goebbels or Medea in not making sure that your son was properly looked after by informing his father or your family of your situation. If we were to believe you, you neglected to look after his needs for your own ill-judged pride. Scum.

Feed your son decent food, treat him with kindness, give him whole treats, pay him attention before your social media, and stop plastering all his private details over Twitter. You are an embarrassment as a mother, always putting yourself first and displaying yourself in cringeworthy thot shots in a futile and pathetic attempt to get your end away.

Oh, and pay more attention to hygiene. Your nails, pots, pans, cutlery, crockery are a disgrace. You are by no means 'military around the edges', far from it. Had I had you under my command as an NCO, you would have been on punishment duties regularly for your lack of personal and general cleanliness. My father's white glove rounds would have ended in you up before a senior officer for similar. I'll give you two pieces of military advice: you'd be out of your depth in a car park puddle, and you have reached rock bottom with regards to veracity and have started to dig.

Don't risk the health of your mother either because you are too ignorant and unintelligent to understand bubbling, you weapons-grade arsehole.

Finally, buy a fucking dictionary, you twat of a Slopslinger. Even ration packs look more palatable than your so-called 'cookery'.

 

[FlashBoof]

Swollen face yea right
I hope the cancer cookbook doesn’t get a mention on this series of the ouchy mouth saga.

A book that costs at least £20+ and she has two copies of. A book that, for the less well off cancer patients in my hospital, they photocopy requested recipes for the patients after they have had a browse, whilst they sit there on chemo drips.

I know we all have our red lines when it comes to Jack...some it’s the Veganish grift, others the cat cruelty, yet more the appropriation of mental health issues and diagnoses. For me, it’s always going to come down to her twatting about with cancer. It really isn’t something to appropriate - in fact, I would wager it’s her most disgusting cap she pops on from time to time.

I would never do it, of course because she genuinely isn’t worth it, and certainly not worth the petrol, but I am sorely tempted on occasion to go down, knock on her door and show her some pictures of my beloveds weight loss, explain how the chemo ruins appetite, the mouth ulcers that require specialist treatments and mouthwash. The teeth issues from vomiting and struggling to brush teeth properly. Fighting the complete lack of appetite for even the nicest of foods. And the overall dread and fear they pervades every aspect of your waking life.

I hate her.

 

[HarderFaster]

My favourite part of thread 31 was that she furiously claimed not to ever read here but knew a) all of our syntax, b) all of our in-jokes and c) the most ridiculous or pointless “lies” which had only been alluded to once or twice.

I also liked how she bounced in on this spacehopper of honesty claiming that she’d clear everything up and set the record straight but then evaded every single question which exposed her. On a laptop, actually, you mitherers. It was truly on brand and it cemented her demon status for me. In fact it probably prompted an evolution from puzzled irritation to evangelical loathing.

 

[HarderFaster]

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Right, I read pretty dense academic texts for a living but I’m not sure I understand this - is she saying that someone commissioned a drawing of a robot for her following her relapse?

And is she then crediting this drawing for not re-relapsing, above the vast knowledge and support system offered by AA or other alcohol advocacy organisations?

Have I got this right? She’s seriously saying a grifted gifted picture is more effective than a structured programme?

She is actively, irresponsibly dangerous.

 

[Shesaidwhat?]

Waits patiently for Jack to see this and blag she knows all about it. Also Jack note how Marcus is being kind even when today’s media haven’t treated him with kindness, there’s no getting his followers riled or snark remarks.

 

[crystaleyesd]

Omg I'm absolutely criiiiiiiinging for her. I believe her now that Louisa moved in as a friend, but Jack obviously thought it'd be like shooting pixies on a sideboard to get her back into bed. The reminders of their first pasta-scented shag, the endless hooting with their shared *brilliant* humour (don't we get on soooooo well??), the shuffling around outside her room and "accidentally" bashing your leg for sympathy and attention - pwease kiss it better wahhhhhh

 

[Pocahontas]