Narcissistic and toxic parents #2

[AlwaysSummer]

Firstly, hope everyone is having a nice Easter - events like this are always so tricky with family, so sending love to you all

I’ve been on here before to talk about my narc mum and had some really helpful feedback, so thanks to everyone who took the time, it’s so nice to feel less alone.

My dad isn’t a narc, but I find he is building more and more avoidance tactics when it comes to seeing me and it’s getting to the point where it’s become a bit of a running joke so just looking for a bit of advice really.

my husband and I don’t have kids and have lived where we live for over 3 years and my dad has never visited. My siblings live The same distance from my dad but in the opposite direction yet he is always visiting them. Both siblings have children so I know he’d want to see them, but it’s starting to feel like he doesn’t visit us because there’s no reason for him to come, e.g no grand children.

He has quite an overbearing wife who he is constantly on the phone to or messaging when he is at family events, I think she has major insecurity issues, so when we have been together as a group (when I’ve gone to visit siblings and dad has been there too) he’s terrible to hold a conversation with as he’s always distracted either by her calling or texting, or he just has the same bullet pointed conversation points so it just constantly feels like you’re having the same conversation with him, e.g money, buying a house, work, etc

Every time I ask him about when he’s coming to visit he seems to palm me off and give me an excuse about needing to work a lot to pay off a holiday or something, yet I then see he can find the time to visit my siblings because one of them will share a picture.

It’s gotten to the point where it’s quite upsetting that he won’t visit, and I feel a bit like a baby putting this into words, but it’s like because we don’t have kids my dad doesn’t really care about spending time with us. I can’t remember the last time I had a proper conversation with him as even when he calls me to catch up, he’s at work and constantly having conversations with other people at his work whilst on the phone to me.

My husband lost his dad so it’s even more of a big thing to want to see mine but I’m sort of getting to the point of being fed up asking him when he’s coming down.

Anyway, sorry, feels a bit like a pointless moan, but yeah, I just feel like I’m missing something and can’t fathom what it is.

Happy Easter all x

Could you possibly write to your dad and explain how you are feeling about him not wanting to visit and ask him outright why he doesn’t. Whatever the answer, at least you will know you have tried to understand his motives.

 

[Mollywobbles]

You are very welcome. Just a thought, but if you can get to her house you could book a viewing and maybe get to see it one last time? Just don’t tell them who you are, make up a fake name and after they’ve shown you round ask if you can wander round on your own before you leave? Most agents let you do that. But it might feel strange to visit it, just a suggestion if it helps you take some more photos.

Or get a friend to book and go with them

 

[TheSlayer]

It’s Christmas Eve, on my Larry so will share some narc parent experiences that may ring true.

Had 3 siblings. I was the Golden Child to all siblings yet I had higher expectations than they did?

Was told I would be caring for them in old age!

Was the one who did everything for 40+ years until snap point then the wanna be swooped in. Didn’t help, they got 1:4 in the will

The father was the narcissist but took 40 years to realise the mother was the enabler and not the victim.

We can’t change the past. We deserved better but we can be better than they were.

Hugs to everyone struggling it gets easier the longer they are gone.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

When I was executor for my Dad, I had to fill in the probate forms, take them to the local court and they checked them for accuracy and death duties.
Then I had to swear I would distribute legacies as according to the will, etc.
Could you contact the court and ask/tell them what is going on and ask for advice.?

Thank you It's definitely worth looking into. If I think about it too much I get either really angry or sad. I'm most upset about the fact that they didn't offer me one of her brooches, I saw my cousin (auntie's daughter) wearing one and it just made me sad.

Do you know I think the hatred of me is because I went NC with my dad who isn't even their blood relative he's their in law.

 

[griftalo]

One of the things that made me doubt my own judgement with my mum and where I actually gaslit myself, was when she would get extremely angry if she thought that someone else had insulted or disrespected me. Because of this, I would think “If she gets this annoyed over someone else disrespecting me, then there’s no way she’s doing it to me - I must be imagining it all.” What I didn’t realise until much later was that, in her mind, her children were her possessions and hers alone to abuse. It wasn’t that she was offended for me, it was more like “How dare they use my possession - only I am allowed to play those games with my possession!” - like a child throwing a tantrum when they’ve seen someone else play with their toys. Realising this was a fairly sad lightbulb moment, but an important one in realising that I’m not actually imagining her behaviour.

All of this

 

[Nadia Vulvokov]

I'm finding it extremely hard in the last year, I don't know why. For all these years I have blocked it out, but now it's really, really hurting. Has anyone experienced this? The abuse has really messed me up as a person, I have never been able to socialise, any loud bangs and my heart races. I cant wear or touch a belt , it brings back painful memories. I used to hide under trees in the rain so I wouldn't be beaten as a child. Doors used to be broken down in the house and we would be whipped with a belt. I haven't spoken to anyone about this. It wasn't until this year that I realised how wrong that treatment was growing up as a child. Its like a voice in my head telling me then that I'm over reacting .

I'm so sorry. Have you thought about speaking to your GP? Sending you hugs x
---

I definitely do this! I block my mother out a lot now

It's amazing what our brains can do to protect us isn't it?

 

[rainbowlemon]

Thank you for all of the replies and support. It really does mean a lot.

I took a screenshot of the above and wil try that with my brother if he brings it up but he's stopped.

He goes back every weekend that he can. I haven't gone back in 5 months.

 

[Mollywobbles]

My dad put a note through my door at lunchtime which is TELLING me to sign something meaning I have power over his will if he becomes mentally incapacitated. He wrote that I MUST sign it in black ink and that he will collect when ive signed it. My dad is mentally absolutely fine apart from being a completed control freak obvs. I'm literally trembling which is the effect he has on me.

It’s probably just a power of attorney. It’s a good thing to have because if he is ill and unable to make decisions then you can do it on his behalf. But it has to be ratify the court, you can’t just take control when you feel like it.
If the worst happens it is a good thing to have and will make life easier

 

[alwaysdreaming]

@alwaysdreaming hope you have a lovely day tomorrow

Thank you soo much ! That’s very sweet. I wish you a wonderful day everyday.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

I completely agree with this! Don’t let a bullying family take it from you.
Oh and change your number too

Thank you, I wasnt sure whether they need my number for me to receive my inheritance? I'm not sure how it arrives.

 

[Maid22]

@Chandler Bing how are you lovely?

 

[Bettyboo2475]

They said if she doesn't then I can apply to have her removed as executor which obviously would cost more. They were very nice and honest about everything and they knew their stuff. They said I could wait until I receive the money before I pay but obviously I don't know how much I am due.

The £1800 is to pay for a letter to be sent to her telling her that I am requesting my share, informing her of her obligations as executor and requesting the accounts.
Then they will work out how much I will receive.

They also said that I could write to her myself and tell her that I am requesting my share. They said if she ignores me or refuses then they'd pick it up from there. But in all honesty I wouldnt know what to write, especially as I'm now no contact,and I'd risk my dad getting in touch.

Eta they also said that she had not used a solicitor for this but is doing it all herself using an online system and there is a risk that she has spent/ will spend it (but that she would still owe me.

I'm so sorry. They can never take away what you had with your gran. It really is hard to stay no contact when put under pressure, I'm realising that I keep being hooked back by being told my parents are poorly

 

[KirstyC]

New to this thread but just wondering how you guys have coped with a narc parent when can’t just cut off contact with them? My mother is the narc but my dad is a wonderful person and my young daughter doesn’t see my mothers narc ways and adores her so I couldn’t just cut contact for that reason.. but she’s becoming more and more unbearable and it’s grinding me down now. One minute she’s nice as pie and the next she’s really nasty, making lies up and causing me and my sisters to argue and fall out.

 

[alwaysdreaming]

My old man has finally died, I feel nothing, why should I? My oh keeps on asking how I am, he really doesn't understand that I don't care, I've had no contact for over 10 years, so he's been dead to me well before that.

Oh gosh I’ve just seen this. I dip in and out of this thread as sometimes I relive my trauma
Sorry to rehash just wanting to know I’m here.
It’s awful when you’re gaslighted. Now your waste it makes you furious. Don’t waste that energy. That’s what the fuckers want.
Your nasty family member who rang you could you not block him ?
Hope your dog is well?

 

[Bettyboo2475]

No I don’t visit. I do all of the admin - we have deputyship. I’m selling the properties, there are 2. It’s a full time job. And I already have one of those!
if I have to go I can’t eat, get a bad stomach & it makes me feel so ill.
how often do you go? X

I went once on my own, and was told not to come without kids next time as he wanted to see them more than me , been a couple of times and could quite happily not go again.

My mum is in a different home as she has Alzheimer's. I'd rather not see her either if I'm honest. My brother does all the admin for them. It must be very time consuming for you.

 

[rainbowlemon]

It's hard as well trying to make friends, I have a really hard time trusting people and I don't easily open up or instantly have fun with new people.

It's been 9 months of working with my new therapist. I know I don't fully trust him yet.

It might take time but you will trust when you do and trust has to be earned.

 

[not_influenced]

Looking for tips on how you all deal with or cope with narcissist parent/parents. What are your coping strategies, how do you hold boundaries etc

 

[Bettyboo2475]

How do you deal with other family members who criticise me for walking away from my neglectful parents? It's particularly loud around things like Easter and Christmas. I'm struggling a bit at the moment x

 

[Slaybutter]

@Jj2431 It sounds like by saying no to the party you’d be sticking up for your kids rather than putting them in the middle of a war zone. I think that taking them to the get together when he’s not treated you well, or them, sends an unhealthy message. Instead of attending, you could find other activities that will engage your kids in the community and will enrich their lives for years.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

I've just had the nastiest phone call ever, why are your so called family so nasty? I've been made out to be a liar, that really pisses me off, I don't lie and I remember stuff, but they've all changed what really happened, so it makes me look in the wrong, I wish they'd all disappear and never bother me ever again.

I'm so sorry that you've had to put up with a phone call like that. You can see the bullshit xx