Narcissistic and toxic parents #2

[alwaysdreaming]

Thank you lovely, really hope your baby is ok xx
I wrote out a massive reply, just deleted it, too much stuff to share on here, such a shame we cant pm each other
I shan't be getting in touch with them, there's been too much damage and upset over the years

Ahhhh that’s so annoying when that happens.
I am here for you if you ever need to deal with anything.
I have found I can’t remember half of things that occurred to me if I had to tell you on the spot what occurred. Sometimes randomly I’ll have these flashbacks and I can’t believe what occurred and then I’ll block it from my memory. It’s how I survived my childhood I guess. No one at school knew how me and my siblings grew up. Everyone thought we had a great family.
Did you experience the same ? Have you blocked things from memory as a way to cope ?

I agree I wish we could PM. I wonder why that is?

I agree and totally understand your decision.
I am glad you are doing what’s right for you.
You have moved forward and there’s not point turning back. From experience no one changes and you owe no one nothing.
You may not have closure but you will have peace. ( I pray )
That’s the ultimate power.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

He's in a care home, and the last time we went was awful. He just has let himself go completely, I don't want to go or take my kids to see him like that. It's traumatic but my brother has left Easter eggs and a birthday card for my youngest there, don't know why he couldn't post them. So am being forced to go. My husband is coming too, I no longer want to visit either parent without him. After tomorrow I won't visit again. Have to do the same with my mum, same story completely. They want to see the kids, not me, never me xx

I'm glad you have your husband to support you I don't suppose husband could go in his own to collect them? Once you've seen them for the last time you can start to heal. I had therapy once I went NC and it helped a lot.

I don't understand the reasons for it, but I completely relate to them only wanting to see the kids! It's the same for me.

 

[HitnMiss]

Congrats on your new grandchild I guess you and your son-in-law have something in common then!

Thank you, it's a very special time
Yes we do have that in common. I just hope he goes no contact way before I woke up.

 

[TheGlossy]

I hope you don’t pay the fees again if they already owe you from last time! As you said yourself they are treating you like a bank.

By not consulting you about the date to sign the closure document, they have given you a get out here. Simply text a reply and say that the date and time isn’t convenient for you but that you are glad your brother is taking charge now. Therefore he can pay and you can extricate yourself from an ordeal that sounds like it’s caused you nothing but a great deal of time, stress and inconvenience!x

The thing is … there is nothing to be paid out of pocket for any of them. My mother has 5K stuck in probate for which release is pending signature of the closure document.

The notary fees were meant to be deducted from those 5K but my mother made a whole fuss over this. She essentially didn’t want the notary to be paid at all (which nuts) and the reason why she caused drama by wanting to switch notaries etc.

I made the offer to pay the fees so she could get the full 5K released to her account and close this chapter, but technically, she has zero to pay out of pocket (same for my brother). The notary fee is 1K which is rather standard for this type of process. It’s hardly life changing amounts.

In brief, I essentially made an offer to pay 1K when there was no real need for it. Huge mistake.

 

[Slaybutter]

@HitnMiss Thanks for understanding fingers crossed your community comes out!

 

[nothanksbabes]

I read this and my mouth dropped open. You have described EXACTLY what my ex was. He'd do something entirely of his own fault and making, but it was always my fault, I was "playing the victim" when I tried standing up for myself and tell him it wasn't my fault and I hadn't done anything wrong, or it was me and my "mental health" (there was nothing wrong with me at that point), and the rages were terrifying, screaming the worse things I've been heard into my face, and then somehow I'd end up apologising. He'd either refuse to say one word to me for a week, or he'd take my phone, keys and bank card off me and lock me out of the flat. I slept on the streets in the middle of February. Everything was always my fault. This was two years ago now annd I have changed beyond belief. I'm stone cold...I refuse to let annhone into my life, including friends, annd the only other human beings I have in my life are my parents and work colleagues. I do the same thing every single night and weekend, on my own, at exactly the same times. I tell myself I'm being strong and protecting myself. I still replay the situations over and over in my head, STILL questioning myself sometimes, "WAS it my fault?". When everything came to a head and the Police became involved, they used Clares Law to tell me about his background....Id never heard of it until then....the police used it to try and prove to me he had countless things against him with a number of other exes, to try and show me none of it was my fault. He's a dangerous person and that only scratches the surface of the things he said and did. He didn't have any friends but his work colleagues couldn't regard him high enough...this charming, cheeky, funny guy that would do anything for anyone. But behind closed doors he was an absolute monster. I'm doing well for myself now, but being that was the second abusive relationship I've now been in, I've promised myself I'll see the rest of my life out by myself with no friends and definitely never another partner. I just seem to attract users ...even in friends....I just don't trust anyone anymore. The only friends I have are the ones I have on Tattle

Edit: apologies, I've just noticed this thread was about parents, the "narcissistic and toxic" bit grabbed my attention

My heart goes out to you. I was in a similar situation with my ex who did exactly the same. Someone suggested Clare's law and I thought, oh he's not *that* bad (my ex was abusive but a bit troubled and socially inept and being the idiot I was, I felt sorry for him). Anyway skip to the end of our relationship and someone sent me an article from a magazine documenting how he'd attacked his ex and received an 18 month suspended sentence for ABH.

I then met a lovely man, sadly his ex wife (who I knew first) is a massive abusive narc who abused him for years and their kids, and then tried to bully me. When I set a boundary with her she ruined my fucking life, turned the kids against me and made him choose between them and me by threatening suicide.

I'm like you now in that I can't ever trust another human being again. These horrors always win their hollow little victories at our expense and I'm done with it. If these people were animals you'd put them down for the good of society. They are vile and a net loss to everyone they come into contact with. They are failed human beings. I honestly absolutely detest them.

 

[cee-bee]

Looking at this from what my relationship is with my narc parent (who also has taken a lot of money from grandparents when he certainly did not need it) I wouldn't ask for the money. I simply couldn't give him the satisfaction.

I don’t think mine would get satisfaction from my asking (or maybe he would, who knows. I struggle to understand him).

what I do know is that he has always resented having children and see us as a burden and obligation. He does the minimal amount he can as a father but expects us to be grateful and fawning for the things he does do.

I don’t think he’s withholding gifting me money in the hopes he’d get the satisfaction of me coming with a begging bowl.

I think it’s down to him wanting to avoid having to step up and his own greed. I think if I asked, he would give me money but I think he’s hoping I won’t.

 

[Sheeeet]

@Rodneytrotter

I wonder if you'll be able to find the solictor here, you can put your gran's name in, hopefully her details will come up and the solicitor

https://www.thegazette.co.uk/wills-and-probate

 

[HitnMiss]

Me too. It helps to know you're not alone

 

[Rodneytrotter]

I agree. Your Auntie has apparently 75% just smacks of greed to want your share too tbh.

We had something similar with my partner’s family and his family did contest it, up to high court stages. Luckily, it didn’t actually get there but it was pretty much to the wire.

People get pound signs in their eyes and common sense is thrown out of the window where there’s a will and money involved. It’s stressful and not what you need when you’re grieving the loss of a grandmother either, best of luck with it all.

Edited to add: have you seen the will? Normally, it has addresses of beneficiaries contained within it.

Yep, ive also lost my mum (her sister) but they dont care about that. I have seen the will, it doesn't say any addresses for any beneficiaries.

 

[cee-bee]

I think you need to decide which is the option you can live with the most.

E.g. Is the dream wedding worth the strings attached or would you rather have a smaller wedding but hold on your own?

Nobody can really say cause we’re all different. I know what I’d do but I’m not you.

Maybe make a pros and cons list?

ive tried with a pros and cons list but it’s complex and I feel it’s hard to reduce it down to that?
I was hoping someone faced a similar dilemma and could give some insight on what they might’ve changed or Don differently?

my best friend (other than my fiancé the only person I’ve mentioned this to) said it was unlikely that my dad would gift me money at this point, so I could either ask for it outright and potentially have a nice wedding, or not ask and have a reduced wedding. Either way I’d know he didn’t want to give it to me, either way he’d be at the wedding. There’s no way out of feeling a bit shit about the situation and there’s no way to avoid his lack of care - the only real difference is whether or not I get a nice wedding.

She grew up and knew my grandmother very well, and saw the close bond I had with her and I think that colours her view of things, but I know some people would take the approach that ultimately, my grandmother didn’t gift me anything and thats that.

 

[HitnMiss]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. He's still emotionally abusing you and your sister is learning from him by the sounds of it. Can you make an excuse not to go next weekend so you can have a think about what you want to do? Do you feel he's emotionally abusive to your kids? That would be a reason to limit/cut contact in my opinion.

 

[TheSlayer]

@Maid22 only thing I can suggest from experience is telling them straight you want nothing to do with it.

I got told to look at how someone was years ago rather than who they had become. It was a lecture.

I wanted to respond but I didn’t and refused to be involved in anything saying point blank “I’m not interested and don’t want my name attached”

All you can do really

 

[or JusRollWithIt]

One of the things I've dreaded has happened, I'm really not sure how I'm going to deal with it tbh.

Do you want to talk about it here?

 

[Nadia Vulvokov]

Thank you , I explained to my sister in law this morning, I didnt mention which family member that I've set boundaries with, but she completely understands my decision. She is disappointed we will not be attending but understands why. I won't ever put my children & myself in a situation that we are not happy in , in order to keep others happy . It is mentally and physically draining. So appreciative of the kind members on this thread. Can't thank you enough for your invaluable advice to this situation we unfortunately all have had to deal with in our lives. Stay strong and I hope you can enjoy a peaceful life without negativity or drama.

Amazing, bet you feel so much better!

 

[Rodneytrotter]

@Rodneytrotter

I wonder if you'll be able to find the solictor here, you can put your gran's name in, hopefully her details will come up and the solicitor

https://www.thegazette.co.uk/wills-and-probate

Thank you, I've had a good look but it's not there unfortunately

 

[HelloStereo]

I know for a fact that there is no will so yes I would be entitled to something. But I also do know it won't be a lot since a lot of the assets have already been funneled to my golden child sibling and are already in his name.

Fair enough. A few years ago my mum was asking for my address so she could put it in her will but it felt like she was just using it as a way to find out more about me.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

I'm always plagued by the thought that I'm imaging the behaviour of my parents towards me over the years, I've just found a document on my laptop of my birth experience with my youngest. He's 7 this week, so I'm feeling all nostalgic, however its just proved to me that all my thoughts about my parents behaviour are true. But why do I doubt myself when there are these reminders everywhere.

Basically what I was wanting to say is that its bloody hard feeling like you're just not enough, and when I walked away, they didn't stop me, and never did stop me. My heart is breaking all over again, even though I'm no contact I still have to see them, I feel some latent responsibility to go and see them still, and maybe I'm hoping somewhere that they'll be pleased to see me. Quite often i'm not and I'm left destroyed for a few days. I'm visiting my Dad tomorrow, and dreading it.

Ah your feelings are pretty normal. I often fantasise that my dad is pleased to see me/ proud of me, or even that he realises what he's done.

I hope tomorrow goes ok. Although if it goes okay it can leave you confused about whether you got them all wrong, and then you go back, and then they break your heart all over again. How much time do you have to spend with him tomorrow?

 

[Slaybutter]

The DIL thread: https://tattle.life/threads/daughter-in-law-experiences.38913/

 

[HM03]

How do people deal with the guilt and anxiety of first being no contact?