Narcissistic and toxic parents #2

[HitnMiss]

Me too. It helps to know you're not alone

 

[Rodneytrotter]

I agree. Your Auntie has apparently 75% just smacks of greed to want your share too tbh.

We had something similar with my partner’s family and his family did contest it, up to high court stages. Luckily, it didn’t actually get there but it was pretty much to the wire.

People get pound signs in their eyes and common sense is thrown out of the window where there’s a will and money involved. It’s stressful and not what you need when you’re grieving the loss of a grandmother either, best of luck with it all.

Edited to add: have you seen the will? Normally, it has addresses of beneficiaries contained within it.

Yep, ive also lost my mum (her sister) but they dont care about that. I have seen the will, it doesn't say any addresses for any beneficiaries.

 

[cee-bee]

I think you need to decide which is the option you can live with the most.

E.g. Is the dream wedding worth the strings attached or would you rather have a smaller wedding but hold on your own?

Nobody can really say cause we’re all different. I know what I’d do but I’m not you.

Maybe make a pros and cons list?

ive tried with a pros and cons list but it’s complex and I feel it’s hard to reduce it down to that?
I was hoping someone faced a similar dilemma and could give some insight on what they might’ve changed or Don differently?

my best friend (other than my fiancé the only person I’ve mentioned this to) said it was unlikely that my dad would gift me money at this point, so I could either ask for it outright and potentially have a nice wedding, or not ask and have a reduced wedding. Either way I’d know he didn’t want to give it to me, either way he’d be at the wedding. There’s no way out of feeling a bit shit about the situation and there’s no way to avoid his lack of care - the only real difference is whether or not I get a nice wedding.

She grew up and knew my grandmother very well, and saw the close bond I had with her and I think that colours her view of things, but I know some people would take the approach that ultimately, my grandmother didn’t gift me anything and thats that.

 

[HitnMiss]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. He's still emotionally abusing you and your sister is learning from him by the sounds of it. Can you make an excuse not to go next weekend so you can have a think about what you want to do? Do you feel he's emotionally abusive to your kids? That would be a reason to limit/cut contact in my opinion.

 

[TheSlayer]

@Maid22 only thing I can suggest from experience is telling them straight you want nothing to do with it.

I got told to look at how someone was years ago rather than who they had become. It was a lecture.

I wanted to respond but I didn’t and refused to be involved in anything saying point blank “I’m not interested and don’t want my name attached”

All you can do really

 

[or JusRollWithIt]

One of the things I've dreaded has happened, I'm really not sure how I'm going to deal with it tbh.

Do you want to talk about it here?

 

[Nadia Vulvokov]

Thank you , I explained to my sister in law this morning, I didnt mention which family member that I've set boundaries with, but she completely understands my decision. She is disappointed we will not be attending but understands why. I won't ever put my children & myself in a situation that we are not happy in , in order to keep others happy . It is mentally and physically draining. So appreciative of the kind members on this thread. Can't thank you enough for your invaluable advice to this situation we unfortunately all have had to deal with in our lives. Stay strong and I hope you can enjoy a peaceful life without negativity or drama.

Amazing, bet you feel so much better!

 

[Rodneytrotter]

@Rodneytrotter

I wonder if you'll be able to find the solictor here, you can put your gran's name in, hopefully her details will come up and the solicitor

https://www.thegazette.co.uk/wills-and-probate

Thank you, I've had a good look but it's not there unfortunately

 

[HelloStereo]

I know for a fact that there is no will so yes I would be entitled to something. But I also do know it won't be a lot since a lot of the assets have already been funneled to my golden child sibling and are already in his name.

Fair enough. A few years ago my mum was asking for my address so she could put it in her will but it felt like she was just using it as a way to find out more about me.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

I'm always plagued by the thought that I'm imaging the behaviour of my parents towards me over the years, I've just found a document on my laptop of my birth experience with my youngest. He's 7 this week, so I'm feeling all nostalgic, however its just proved to me that all my thoughts about my parents behaviour are true. But why do I doubt myself when there are these reminders everywhere.

Basically what I was wanting to say is that its bloody hard feeling like you're just not enough, and when I walked away, they didn't stop me, and never did stop me. My heart is breaking all over again, even though I'm no contact I still have to see them, I feel some latent responsibility to go and see them still, and maybe I'm hoping somewhere that they'll be pleased to see me. Quite often i'm not and I'm left destroyed for a few days. I'm visiting my Dad tomorrow, and dreading it.

Ah your feelings are pretty normal. I often fantasise that my dad is pleased to see me/ proud of me, or even that he realises what he's done.

I hope tomorrow goes ok. Although if it goes okay it can leave you confused about whether you got them all wrong, and then you go back, and then they break your heart all over again. How much time do you have to spend with him tomorrow?

 

[Slaybutter]

The DIL thread: https://tattle.life/threads/daughter-in-law-experiences.38913/

 

[HM03]

How do people deal with the guilt and anxiety of first being no contact?

 

[Rodneytrotter]

I’m paranoid I think my mom is always upto something just to turn people against me so I’m left with no one.

What makes you think that? X

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Hi all. Its my teenage daughter's birthday next week and she will no doubt receive a card and money from a particular flying monkey (my auntie) that I have issue with.

For context, my gran left me some money in her will but my auntie who is executor and had control over my gran's bank account has kept all of the money.

Should I send the card back or chuck it in the bin? In the past I have let my children have the cards and money but she's crossed the line now and I'm still very raw and angry.

 

[Phil Anne Throw Pee]

I used to be so close to my mum, but the past few years it’s like something switched in her head and she’s become such a horrible person.

She accused me of abandoning her when I went to uni. She accused me even more of abandoning her when I moved in with my boyfriend. She takes everything as criticism and cries about everything. She screams at me and my brother that we’re cruel and selfish. Then she calms down and expects us to forget like it never happened.

I’m on permanent egg shells with someone I used to be so close to. I don’t get it. It makes me sad as I hate being around her now. Literally the most minor of things will have her screaming at you and badmouthing you to the rest of the family.

It’s really affecting my mental health at the moment. Like how can your own mother say such vile things to you.

Is there a possibility she could have dementia?

 

[Bettyboo2475]

Just heard back from the solicitor and it will cost me £1800 to get a letter to my auntie instructing her to make sure I get my share of the will.

Oh wow, that is a lot of money

What will happen if she doesn't pay you x

Post too short

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Is there some place to report this to? I know my mum forged my grandma’s will so everything went to her, but I couldn’t prove it. But if you have the will and no evidence of money isn’t there some regulation? And I’m sorry. She sucks.

I think the only way is to contact a solicitor for myself which I don't know if I can afford to do.

 

[cee-bee]

I would have a wedding within your means. That way, you’re not indebted to anyone. Is delaying the wedding until you have the funds an option?

Will your family be giving you money as a wedding gift? Could your mum ask what your dad plans to gift? Maybe you could ask for the gift money upfront to put towards the wedding?

we don’t want to delay as we want to have kids etc and im already in my 30s and have a lot of anxiety about getting pregnant in all honesty.

I don’t think he plans on giving us much in the way of a wedding gift tbh, but it’s not a bad idea!

 

[Rodneytrotter]

does anyone else ever worry they're 'turning into'/picking up traits of a narc family member?

Me again but yes! At work I've started ranting out loud with my opinion like my dad. My colleagues find it quite intimidating I think!

 

[Bettyboo2475]

I’m paranoid I think my mom is always upto something just to turn people against me so I’m left with no one.

I'm sorry you feel that way, I understand and have found that most of my family on my mum's side don't contact me. So I don't bother myself. She is wanting you to be the victim, so be strong and don't worry about it. Find your own people.