Narcissistic and toxic parents #2

[Phil Anne Throw Pee]

It’s always “I’ve done so much for you” like you are forever indebted because they say they’ve helped you out so you owe them a favour for the rest of your life. It’s also odd how they remember instances from five, ten even twenty years ago and even though you can be forever grateful it’s always, most certainly a high price to pay for there ‘help’

I greatly relate to this which is why I've gone no contact. Grateful that your parents did the barest minimum and provided for you in your childhood? Jesus Christ almighty.

 

[screamqueen]

Hi all
Been lurking here on and off, I hope it’s ok to just write down how I’m feeling. I’ve had another upsetting interaction with my narcissistic dad today, he always comes when my husband is at work and I’m alone.

He’s demanding money from me (I got an inheritance from a relative and he genuinely feels entitled to some of it). He makes me feel like shit to try to manipulate me into doing what he wants. I have a husband and children, he’s not my priority but when moneys involved he acts like he is. He’s not poor, he owns a nice house in an expensive part of the country plus a few rentals, I rent my house.
Having an interview with a boss who doesn’t like you describes perfectly how he makes me feel. I actually told him today how my last interaction with him made me feel, his response was that he can’t make me feel a certain way, that’s all on me! I got a load of other abuse and he told me that he basically doesn’t like me. He also walked out of my house in a tantrum slamming the door because I didn’t say what he wanted to hear.

I know I’m going to go no contact, I can’t cope with this anymore. I know this is a bit tmi so I apologise, but I actually got diarrhoea from the stress from our last interaction. That’s how he makes me feel. I’m just gutted really, but he’ll never change. I can’t imagine making either of my kids feel like this.

Any advice for going no contact? Thank you

Just popping in to say I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that you’re not alone here, and I hope it’s helped a small part to share your experience. There’s lots of like-minded people here, Sending love xx

 

[Rodneytrotter]

I’ve lost pretty much all of my family and friends of family like this. I couldn’t go to my dads funeral even, so I’m sorry you’re in the same boat

Oh no, I'm so sorry that you couldn't go to your dads funeral

 

[Bananabadger]

Hi @Maid22, god that sounds tricky and painful. If he'd been admitted to hospital/hospice, you could ring the hospital and ask for an update?

 

[no-no]

I’ve got to attend a funeral tomorrow and really don’t want to go as I’m estranged from so-called ‘family’. I went on a wild goose chase to get flowers today and finally secured some to collect tomorrow. Really annoys me how my mum is all “I’ll bring flowers” without having the means to source them. I paid half and will have to collect but she acts all competent to others when she might as well be like “what’s a flower?” to me. Learned helplessness and covert narcs. And the woe is me act over Christmas because my GC brother hasn’t spoken to her in years has worn thin. I’ll be glad once NY is out the way, she’s hinting at that but no thanks.

 

[Reality_tv_lover]

Thank you ranting thread for recommending this one. I left home at 16 have had NC try to make effort but it's wasted she just talks to me as if nothing ever happened and our relationship is great and I'm too awkward to bring it all up

 

[Readingismyhobby]

I think the only way is to contact a solicitor for myself which I don't know if I can afford to do.

Try the Citizens Advice Bureau, they may be able to help.

 

[Bettyboo2475]

What do people do when they're having a tough time and feeling down about the no contact. I would find it helpful to know what I can do to forget as I constantly ruminate about what if, and if I could do anything different.

 

[Merpedy]

She’s not working and has decided we should have a meal together 🫠🫠

Can’t wait to listen to 30 mins of how shit other people are and how she’s not at all like them

 

[Bettyboo2475]

I saw it as the only way I would survive and keep a good relationship with my children, so I don’t think about what I could do really. It was a case of it’s me or you, bitch, and I choose me. That’s not to say I didn’t mourn having an actual loving parent but the two things are different and I had to come to terms with the fact that a loving mother didn’t exist for me. Once you realise and accept not getting that fantasy parent, it gets easier. I wish my life had been different but nothing I could have done or could do would make it any different.

Thank you for this. Even though I did the same about 8 years ago, I still suffer with the low feelings about the whole situation. I have 2 boys, 7 and 12 and I've broken the pattern because I wouldn't dream of treating my kids like I was. Without them I honestly don't think i would be here.

 

[Rose28454]

You're not a narc (you wouldn't be asking the question if you were), but you are an enabler. You are also a martyr and you talk about money an awful lot (a common weapon used against adult children of narcs and abusers). Really you came to the wrong place if you expected any sympathy for you instead of your daughter.

Wow that was nasty and I didn’t come to this thread looking for sympathy just sone answers. I am fully aware I am an enabler having stayed with an alcoholic so long. Fully aware I come accress as a martyr that’s what being the child of catholic parents does to you
Anyway my daughter and I had a long chat and a few tears today and have come to some understandings for the future

 

[Nadia Vulvokov]

Hope everybody is doing OK

 

[Good Egg]

Personally I think I over compensate. I’m a people pleaser. My relationship with my kids and grandkids is light years away from the toxic relationship I had with my parents. I frustrate Mr Toes by putting everyone else first to the point that I get used. But the small child in me won’t allow me to let anyone down or say no. I think it’s because growing up with my brother as the golden child I’m terrified of upsetting anyone by saying no.
Mr Toes often reminds me that I am entitled to do things for myself or things that I enjoy but I struggle to if I think that I might be needed elsewhere. As soon as anyone asks me for anything I literally drop everything and rush to assist. It’s something that I’m working on but years of being the “cat that got kicked” is deep rooted.

Wow this resonates... so much x. I’ll post better later but wow

 

[shadowcat5]

I've had my narcissistic parent telling my young children what a awful and anxious child I was at their age. I don't know what they are trying to achieve by this, but it's making me so cross. I think my narc parent is just jealous I'm able to offer my kids a better life than they could offer me.

Definitely jealous and probably wants to weaponise your kids against you.

if you can and feel comfortable could you sit your child down and explain to them that you were a bit unhappy as a kid of their age and you want them to know that if they ever feel that way they can talk to you and they don’t need to feel ashamed? Is that an option? Hopefully that might counter the narc parent getting in their head about that being something bad when there is nothing wrong with being anxious. It’s insane what kids latch onto.

 

[Darvos]

I don’t know if this is of any use to anyone but this is on 99p Kindle Daily Deal today. Seems highly rated:

Amazon product

 

[Good Egg]

I’m so sorry.

I just wanted to say that you’re not alone.

I took my mum wedding dress shopping with me and she could not have been less interested. She was bored and annoyed that I wanted to see a few shops. She made my wedding prep a nightmare and created so many problems along the way.

I had a baby and again she made things so much more stressful and difficult. I had to be kept in for a few days after the birth and she would call me shouting that its my fault the birth went the way it did and I should have had a C-Section.

It’s really hard as you expect your mum to be there for you in moments like this.

My heart breaks for you this is so so sad

 

[Good Egg]

Thank you so much for your kind words, Good Egg!
My husband is such a good person that he believes his father could change as deep down that's what he wished would happen.
He stopped working at the family business 9 months ago and has been unemployed ever since. Needless to say that it has been quite the ride. But thankfully he'll start a new job next month, doing something he's always wanted to do with people he already knew, same age and really nice. I'm really hoping it'll be the beginning of a new and happy chapter for both of us.
His dad has said some truly horrible things to him, like if it had been someone else that had a son like him, they would've killed themselves, that he was going to disinherit him and that he'd pay my husband to remove his surname from his name. He hasn't forgotten any of this, but at the same time he always picks up the phone when he calls him, so it's always a matter of time until when is our next stress, which I find so disheartening. When I'm picking up the pieces from the last stress, a new one happens. And it affects my husband in the sense it brings out in him some traits his dad has, like short temper, etc.
I try to hold on to the good things we have, but at the same time, I really struggle to stay optimistic.

I think it’s normal to pick up traits unfortunately as it’s all they’ve known growing up. Does he see his Dad’s behaviour as wrong and does HE recognise when he speaks out of turn?

 

[Maid22]

Ahhhh that’s so annoying when that happens.
I am here for you if you ever need to deal with anything.
I have found I can’t remember half of things that occurred to me if I had to tell you on the spot what occurred. Sometimes randomly I’ll have these flashbacks and I can’t believe what occurred and then I’ll block it from my memory. It’s how I survived my childhood I guess. No one at school knew how me and my siblings grew up. Everyone thought we had a great family.
Did you experience the same ? Have you blocked things from memory as a way to cope ?

I agree I wish we could PM. I wonder why that is?

I agree and totally understand your decision.
I am glad you are doing what’s right for you.
You have moved forward and there’s not point turning back. From experience no one changes and you owe no one nothing.
You may not have closure but you will have peace. ( I pray )
That’s the ultimate power.

Thank you lovely, I'm always here for you too x. Hows your baby?

I get you about the memories, Ive tried really hard to block stuff out, but certain things will happen, and it reminds of something, was the same, everyone thought our family was great, nice home etc, but no one knows what goes on behind closed doors, it's the secrets and lies which I obviously didn't realise or know until I got older, i didn't know what the word love was until my oh said it to me.
Reading these threads really break my heart, how our so called 'parents' have treated us all, emotionally or abusive, my heart goes out to each and everyone one of you.

 

[Becca0888]

Thank you guys, means a lot to hear that, even if it is from two strangers

 

[FlipFlop0706]

My mum does this.

She’ll reappear and message/speak as if NOTHING has happened.

It must be their way of avoiding an apology? Maybe to turn things on you so it looks like you’re the one being difficult/ holding a grudge?

It completely dismisses your feelings.

I need to have a read about this grey rocking method as its been mentioned a few times.

Sorry I have no advice to offer but wanted to let you know you’re not alone.

It just blows my mind how one little word can be so difficult? Just apologise. I apologise for everything it’s ridiculous. Even if I haven’t done anything I end up apologising!!

I’ve really struggled with grey rocking as my default is literally just to accept when people treat me poorly and carry on to keep the peace. So then they do it again and again and the result? well here I am with depression and anxiety I joke but seriously.

Before I read about grey rocking, I was going to just give her the silent treatment but I’m glad I didn’t as that would be turned into me holding a grudge. Am struggling with it though.