I'm in the process of going no contact. Whatever the family equivalent of "slow quitting" is with your family is what I'm doing. I've blocked their calls & it's only WhatsApp that comes through to a locked chat and I'm keeping information shared to a minimum as anything I've shared previously is told to my aunt's, uncles & neighbours from my hometown. Even stuff I've said in confidence. I've also being told stuff that my aunt's have told my NM in confidence, that I'm 100% sure they wouldn't want me knowing.
I see how their presence effects me, I'm wound up for days in the lead up to seeing them, I'm on edge & would snap and be short with people in a heartbeat. My stomach is in bits I've severe diarrhea and cramps ahead of meeting them - which now I know is all linked to anxiety and stress
I've invited them to my home, but it's met with criticism that it's only on my terms- kids are at the age where they've activities/matches , so no 10am on a Saturday doesn't suit!! Just for context they are both retired so not as if they are rushing anywhere. My home or my appearance is criticized, would you not cut the grass, would you not change the cushions & freshen the place up, would you not replace those candles, would you not replace those flower beds. My home is fine there no issue with it, it's the perfectionist presentation & not a hair out of place my NP wish to present to society. I grew up in a house I want my children to grow up in a home.
I tried going to their home to "maintain a relationship" & also avoid my home being criticized but the concentration shifts to me, I look tired I look worn out, would i not hoover my car, my hair is very long. I've previously tried to counteract all these by arriving with a clean car, manicuring myself so no comment on my appearance etc- it's EXHAUSTING!! And they will always find something! My shoes will give me fallen arches & my eyes brows are "different".
Everything really only came to light for me when I got i pregnant and had kids, it made me feel a love that I never experienced and I couldn't imagine treating my kids or making my kids feel how I was made feel as a child. I was bet with a belt & a slipper growing up by my NF & swore blind that he would never ever be let near my kids.
Growing up ages 0-10 I thought my childhood was completely normal, but as I hit 12/13 and would go to friend's houses for sleep overs I would find it weird that they all sat for dinner, that they all watched a movie together?? They all went in holidays together ?? What? Ages 13 onwards, my siblings and i were dropped from family holidays! While friends still went away!
Fast forward into my late teens and 20s, I started observe and see what normal was & found myself spending more time in friends houses and boyfriends who had close families and really loved it! I left home and rented in my 20s, but was still caught up in family dynamics, every time my parents argued we were some how involved & made involved in their argument! Which now as a grown adult I see was so wrong!!! I was asked by a therapist once of my favourite/best memory of my childhood and happiness with my parents and I do not have any! Just arguing, walking on egg shells & witnessing arguements shouldn't have been exposed to as a child/teen. Any family occasions over the years I attended and hate & make my excuses to leave early or not attend. Christmas I stopped attending in my 20s & would spend with whatever boyfriends family I was seeing at the time.
Now, my life is my own family and friends & my happiness. Communication is a minimum and my response back is something along the lines of "all good here, kids well, miserable weather out". Family occasions I avoid and usually plan things or say I've something on. It's really been my own sickness & kids sickness over the past 18 months that blew my eyes right open to realise they are so selfish and do not give a shit about me. It's sad. But Ive realised it's not on me!
There have been Alot of tears over the past 18months where I've cried over not having family support & would love someone to come, hug and mind me and tell me everything will be ok. It's hard, but as others have said we are all grieving a relationship that we never had or does not exist. Xx
but just wondering how you guys have coped with a narc parent when can’t just cut off contact with them? My mother is the narc but my dad is a wonderful person and my young daughter doesn’t see my mothers narc ways and adores her so I couldn’t just cut contact for that reason.. but she’s becoming more and more unbearable and it’s grinding me down now. One minute she’s nice as pie and the next she’s really nasty, making lies up and causing me and my sisters to argue and fall out.
I guess you and your son-in-law have something in common then!
fingers crossed your community comes out!