Ruby Granger #44 To be or not to be pretentious, that is the subjective question.

[gossip_guy]

One day, Ruby will realise that "fit" is short for "outfit". Today is not that day.

 

[Binx]

"Um" -- Ruby Granger, 2023

can this be the next tread title please

 

[gossip_guy]

Oh god, it's every bit as embarrassing as I'd imagined. It's so bad. She looks on the verge of a panic attack throughout and barely comes close to making a point, much less a well-reasoned, backed-up argument.

Her whole defence is: "People have free will, so it's not my fault if children follow my toxic examples and lose money, get hurt or die! I shouldn't have to be held responsible for anything! I just want money and to be able to lie about things, I don't care what happens to other people! I just get cash for influencing, it's their own fault if they get influenced! Besides, other people in the world do worse things so I should be allowed to do whatever I want without consequence!"

I love that she burns up a significant chunk of her allotted time saying, "Influencers have a very positive impact on people. I could list many examples, but I'm not going to - that wouldn't be a productive use of my time." Ruby, you're at a debate over whether influencers have a negative impact or not and you're arguing for the opposition, that's the only way you should be using your time!

It's a good job she has no plans to pursue a law degree. "Your honour, Oiy cyould provoide avvidence pryooving moiy cloient is VARRY MOCH INNOCENT, boht that wouldn't beee ayyy prodocktive yeese of moiy toiyme. Instead, please allow me tyeu recoite some onrelated acadammick quotes Oiy Gyeegolled."

 

[Griftwood]

I don’t think I’ll be able to watch it. I think the level of second hand embarrassment might end me

Never fear, there’s a synopsis in the comments!

 

[gossip_guy]

"This isn't an ad"

Yes, Ruby, this is an ad. You were gifted a product and chose to advertise it to people as a result. You were paid (free stuff still counts as payment with the ASA) and then showed the product off to your followers. That's exactly what an ad is.

It's just especially damning that, yet again, you chose to go out of your way to advertise something you have no interest in whatsoever (and naturally haven't bothered watching before advertising) purely because you were gifted it.

What a cretin.

 

[Griftwood]

I was just delivered the best and, frankly, the only study advice I’ll ever need on tt. Ready? Prepare for your mind to be blown.

If you start working on your essay a week before it’s due, it’ll take you a week to complete. If you start the day before, it’ll only take you a day.

Studytube, you’re officially obsolete.

 

[gossip_guy]

"my first book is currently on submission"

Umm..."first"? Ruby, did you conveniently forget about Erimentha Parker, Lottie Parton, Penelope Peppermint and every other half-assed, plagiarised book you tried and failed to get published inbetween?

"OIY AM A WROYTA! JOSST PLEASE FORGAT ABOUT AWLL THYOSE OTHHA THINGS OIY WROTE PLEASE, THEY DIDN'T COUNT! OIY'M ALLOWED AS MANNIE DYO-OVVAHS AS OIY WANT, MOIY MUMMY SAYS SYO!"

Given how much this video screams "I AM RECOYTING AD COPY PROMO BLURBS THAT OIY WAS PAID TO READ", I don't believe for a second that she paid for this herself.

She also claims to be a "chronic over-editor" which might be the most unintentionally hilarious things she's ever said.

 

[gossip_guy]

It’s like she’s trying to write an entire story out of Tattle thread name suggestions. I can’t even decide which one to nominate. ”Inconsequential concussion of the eye”, ”Original sin for the naturally boring mind”, and ”Mum was a… and dad made sculptures out of rice” are all strong contenders at this point.

"It was heavier than cats I had known" might be my favourite line.

Ruby has also entered a brave new era of fiction where boys who aren't disappointing siblings, mysteriously vanishing fathers or personality-free teachers exist for the first time, but only to serve as a cautionary tale to warn people of the dangers of talking to boys.

Beware: If you talk to boys, the streets will become filled with dead cats.

 

[yeya]

Love how Ruby calls this girl Katie her ‘friend’ and then Katie calls Ruby ‘people’ like she’s just a random fan

 

[yeya]

Ruby with her bullying fetish again why on earth would she ‘love this comment so much’?! So much that she made an entire video reply to it which she very rarely does.

She also then goes on to say that she’s been told the blazer she’s wearing looks like a school blazer. If someone said that to me I would never wear it again.

Her obsession with school and bullying is just SO WEIRD.

 

[gossip_guy]

Oh look, another extended déjà vu section of a video where Ruby claims she can't focus if there's "CLOTTAH". She JANUINELY deep-cleans her room AWLLL THE TOIYME and HONNASTLEEEE isn't content to just live in dusty squalor. She proves it by...just lazily wiping her desk with a wet-wipe and flicking bits of dirt behind her desk.

The furrow-browed caveman look of bewilderment as Ruby tries in vain to understand how a "HYOOVAH" works definitely shows that she cleans thoroughly and often. JANUINELY (squint). At no point does she consider changing her sheets.

She shoves some stray junk into her leather bag - SYO VEGAN! - but not before planning her day in her defunct planner which she ALWHEYS YEEZES, OFFCWOARSE. Someone remind her about the half-yearly "yearly" planner which she seems to have forgotten about.

When she's done pretending to be a diligently clean and organised person, she starts regurgitating more bits of lecture handouts at random, in a vain attempt to seem incredibly bright. It might prove more effective if she weren't seemingly just snatching stray thoughts from every third paragraph of someone else's summary of something, with no context inbetween and no signs that she understands any of what she's read. Meanwhile she's shouting so much about THE WAAHRMING that it's no wonder her dog's having a panic attack.

The desperate need to appear busy, organised and intelligent feels especially forced; there's no way she's feeling remotely confident about going back to uni. She's left the reading until the last minute once again and doesn't appear to understand what little she's done. To add insult to injury, she concludes that a play she was assigned can't possibly be "HYEEGELY REVEEHRED" simply because she's never heard of it herself, like she's the arbiter of taste and knowledge and not just a barely-literate Tory dimwit.

Meanwhile, her fake accent is all over the place, peppered with spontaneous lisping and insufferable clicking, clucking and lip-smacking.

Ruby goes on a manic 30 second "ron" in her back yard.

Suddenly her neighbour's back yard is on fire. Check the crime scene for Oxford-branded candles and planners from 2022 used as kindling; Ruby had motive and opportunity.

Like 12 outfit changes later, Ruby must've realised it had been a while since she advertised anything dishonestly, so she crams in an undeclared ad for some gifted RAMMADEEE KYOMBYOOOOCHAAAAAAHHH.

And as with every video where she pretends to regularly "DECLOTTAH" her living space, she says she needed to spend an hour and a half organising and clearing her download folder. She paints this as being organised, but as with all things, Ruby's still never learned to simply organise things as she goes to efficiently use her time instead of wasting hours doing it after she's made a mess. But if she did that, she wouldn't have extra busywork to pad a video with.

Speaking of time-wasting, she decides to create a vision board devoted to her fake interests, with quotes from books she hasn't read and pictures from things she hasn't watched. Then she announces that she's started to read "Croyme and Ponnishment by Dostorr Yothski".

Ruby's in the middle of praising "MOGGUT CAVENDISH" and regurgitating summaries she read online when she claims that her parents asked her for help with a crossword, which is a bit like hand-selecting the most immobile pensioners you can find at the old folk's home when recruiting for your gymnastics team. Naturally, Ruby and her lone brain cell don't understand the assignment, so she just plays a game of Hangman with herself and loses.

She apparently thought her hairline wasn't receding enough through malnutrition, so decides to do "sommthing diffrent" with her hair. She sloppily rolls it in a curler, leaves it for an hour and then gives up on whatever she was trying.

Ruby and her mummy dress up like Tory cartoons for a trip to London. Mummy Bones is in the middle of telling the audience what she got for lunch when Ruby loudly interrupts her to tell everyone at a mile-a-minute pace what she got, because THIS IS MOIY SPOTLOIGHT MUMMY AND YEU CAN'T BAAHHSK IN THE GLYOW OF IT!

They got to the Chanel exhibit, and in a further attempt to seem smart, Ruby just starts robotically parroting the information she read on the exhibit pamphlet.

Along with the required reading, she's also left packing until the last minute. After some mournful music, it's time for Ruby to get ready to give her parents some peace and quiet and leave for at least a day before she runs home again. Ruby says she was incredibly organised when she first packed for Oxford, but doesn't feel as organised this time. This is the same Ruby who rattled off a long list of all the shit she forgot to take to Oxford the first time, but her memory's destroyed on account of all the lies and malnutrition, so she forgot about that.

But long story short, she's JANUINELY ACKSOYTED TYOO BEE GYOWING TYEUUU AWKSFUD, AVVERYONE and HONNASTLEEEE isn't completely out of her depth and putting off the move back and clinging to mummy for as long as she can, OIY PROMMISE YEUU THAT. (Squints.)

 

[gossip_guy]

That dead-eyed grimace totally sells how JANUINELY ACKSOITED SHE IS tyoo beee reetaahrning tyooo AWKSFWUD.

 

[Griftwood]

Joint credit for thread title goes to @Sibyl Vane and @DarthMiepies!

Roobee is festering in her childhood bedroom over Christmas br... I mean vac, showing no signs of going back to Oxford though term starts next week. She has entertained us with a video on "how to be an intellectual", which was just as cringe as the title suggests. For New Year's Eve, the Boneseses baked a total of four (4) almond cakes in order to appease their voracious almond-hoarding dragon of a grandmother and also to keep the forgotten younger sister away.

No sign of a book deal yet.

 

[Satisfying Click]

Fuck me, this man seeing mama Bones and Ruby prancing in their matching hats, I am

 

[hereso6620]

how is no one mentioning the hitachi magic wand just sat on the floor behind her?

 

[missmina]

Looks like Martha is just as busy as her sister

View attachment 2770543

This is such an unemployed kid on their parents allowance pretending they are busy day plan lmao absolutely useless

 

[friendlyfire]

That head tilt in every photo makes me irrationally angry

 

[CatCafe234]

Why the long arm roobs, get back to being productive

That’s her shelf-stretching arm.

 

[gossip_guy]

That reading recap was excruciating to sit through and I wouldn't recommend anyone do that to themselves.

She prefaces the video with a disclaimer that you need to watch her monthly recaps from last year if you want "detailed revyeeeees" of the books she read last year because she won't be going into detail here. I watched those and they were all vague plot blurbs that offered no insight, but whatever.

She continues her age-old tactic of promising that she'll go into detail about things she says she's read but refuses to talk about in some future video that naturally never materialises.

Ruby allegedly read "AWKSFWUD AND AWKSFWUDSHAAAHR IN VARRSE". She says that this book is an anthology that's somehow arranged both alphabetically and chronologically. She seemingly has no clue what "chronological" means and makes no effort to explain what she thinks it means, either.

The collection is assembled alphabetically, but not chronologically, either by the poems' publication dates or the editor's own arrangement based on their memories of Oxford.

The editor even outlines in their introduction that they were keen to avoid a chronological arrangement.

Also noteworthy: Ruby tries to teach her audience how the alphabet works with her mangled fake AMMA WATSYON accent.

"C will bee....CHROYSTCHAAAHRCH. T will be...CHEETAHSS."

Ruby ignored the actual "T" poem themes in favour of a word she can't pronounce thanks to her cartoonish fake accent. Classic.

It goes without saying that Ruby did not read this book.

"CATCHOORDATH."

Ruby says this was from a sponsored post, but the author JANUINELY wrote one of her favourite books - "THISBUCKILLS" - that she stole YA mystery ideas from while lazily tossing together a YA mystery book of her own in hopes of landing a book deal with no talent or effort pretended to read last year. For "CASHORDATH", Ruby reads the most basic plot blurb out and offers no further details or opinion. According to Ruby, these books fall into the genre of "AGUGGUL'S GUY TUMMARDA".

Ruby did not read this book.

Then Ruby rambles for several minutes about various academic texts and books assigned on her uni course while manically waving her claw-hands around and regurgitating lecture handout snippets she copied into Notion. She says nothing of coherent substance.

She gives the briefest, vaguest blurb for Salomé, then adds, "It was HOIGHLEEE SCAHHNDALOSS AT THE TOIYME. IT WASN'T PRUFFWORMED." No further information or context is given and she cuts abruptly to the next book.

She mentions that "NYOTES FROM THE ONDERGROUND BY DOSTORR YOTHSKI" is going to be in the top ten books she read this year, "OFFCWOARSE". I don't know why "of course" since she hasn't read any Dostoevsky book before, nor did she seem to read this one.

And then she gives up on even reciting plot blurbs or condensed Sparknotes summaries and just starts listing book titles one after another. She gets most of them wrong or credits the wrong author.

Ruby then raves about "YOKAY DYAYS BOIY JANNY MOSSTUD" which she'd "HAAHRD SYO MOCH ABOUT ONLINE, OFFCWOARSE". She neglects to mention that she was gifted this book and was invited to a book launch event for it. She always provides unqualified praise in return for gifted products and/or events and, naturally, this is no different.

Tellingly, she compared this to Normal People. Like Okay Days, that's a book so far out of Ruby's wheelhouse that it's the kind of book that she'd only mention if she was paid to or gifted a copy and told to advertise it, or if lots of people were talking about it in her social media circles and she wanted to hop on the bandwagon by pretending she read it.

"OIY FEEL LOIKE YOKAY DYAYS DOZZ WHAT NORMAL PEEPOL TROIYED TYOO DYEUUU BOHT DIDN'T DYEUUU," Ruby says. That doesn't sound like Ruby's thoughts. That sounds like a promo review blurb she read or was asked to read. It's the kind of thing Jack Edwards would say about a book he'd pretended to read.

Ruby holds up her hands in a "don't come for me" gesture and says with disdain, "OIY DIDN'T LOIYKE NORMAL PEEPOL."

Umm...this your 4 star review of Normal People, Ruby?



Ruby even declared Normal People her favourite book of the year she "read" it. It's a given that she didn't read either of those books.

Sensing criticism on the horizon over the suspiciously vague nature of all her book reviews, recaps, etc., Ruby interjects before finishing the rest of the video.

She insists that she's JANUINELY RAD AND REMAMMBERS AWLLL OF THESE BOCKS, but not as well as she did 6 months ago, so you'll have to refer to those old monthly recap videos for clearer details and more in-depth reviews. Again, there was none of that to be found in those videos. She also didn't recap the full year, so they only a cover a fraction of this list.

This is also the same Ruby who claims in all her reading vlogs and such that she AWHLWHEYS wastes hours of her life VARRY PRODOCKTIVELEEEE transcribing all of her own thoughts and REFLACKSHONS about everything she's HONNASTLEEE read into Notion, JANUIELY! And yet here they don't exist and there's nothing to refer back to.

Her fans have flooded her comments to praise her memory anyway and fawn all over her for speaking so articulately about so many books. Yet she's clearly got a screen cued up next to her and spends most of the video awkwardly glancing at it, fumbling her way through reciting error-filled bits from it in her fake Emma Watson accent while pretending to be speaking off the cuff. And even with a digital cheat-sheet in front of her, her knowledge of 95% of these books taps out at whatever she could be bothered to copy from lecture handouts, Wikipedia or Sparknotes/Goodreads plot summaries.

Ruby naturally plugs Dakota Warren's terrible Rupi Kaur-esque poetry collection and gives it nothing but praise. She at least acknowledges that she knows Dakota this time, compared to all the other undeclared ads and 5 star reviews she's dropped on this without properly declaring that Dakota shares the same management as Ruby and is often forced onto cross-advertising playdates with her by their managers.

But she provides no detail about the book, doesn't appear to have done anything more than flick through a gifted copy and shill it at her manager's request, as with all her fellow Sixteenthers' products and projects.

"IT'S WARTH THE HOIYPE," Ruby says. Spoilers: There is no hype.

Hilariously, Ruby heaps praise on Philip Pullman because she really appreciates that he recommends that writers pay attention to the words that they use and "YEEZE GUD WAAHRDS" - things that Ruby herself has never done.

Ruby highly recommends that you read "THE BROTTHAZ CARAMEL-TSOFF" by "DOSTORR YOFFSKI".

Ruby plugs another sponsored, gifted book and insists that she would NAVVAR, AVVAR GIVE SOMMTHING A GUD REVIEEEEE JOSST BECOSS IT'S SPONSAAHD. Methinks Ruby doth protest too much considering she's never met a sponsor she wouldn't snatch money from and lie endlessly for. It's beyond hilarious that this disclaimer comes during a video sponsored by some random, overpriced snake oil vitamin pills probably made from old crayons and asbestos.

Ruby immediately follows up this bullshit disclaimer by plugging another book and neglecting to mention that it was gifted, or that the author is repped by one of the heads of the literary agency who signed Ruby. Then she drops a sponsor-chasing Daunt Books mention.

And to keep the train rolling, she claims she read The Queen's Gambit and watched the series - two things that undoubtedly never happened. But Ruby's talent agency are sponsor partners of Netflix, so she makes sure to praise both while slapping Netflix-branded cover art on-screen.

Predictable Ruby lies and bullshittery abounds: She claims she read WOTHERING HOYTS. AGANN. SHE AWLSYO RAD IT WHAN SHE WAS TWALVE.

Since it's been a minute or so since she threw an undeclared ad in, she tosses another ad crouton into the murky soup of lies and incompetence that is this video.

Ruby plugs FOIVE SARVOIVE. She says that she she did a readathon of this book in her parents' camper van with Blakeney. She avver-syo-hombleee brags that the video "went voiral, rahhndomleee".

What she means to say is that she and Blakeney spent half an hour in her parents' camper van and filmed a staged, sponsored video where they pretended to lock themselves in for 8 hours to read the book, as instructed by the publicity department who paid her for it.

By "went viral randomly", she meant to say "got significantly more views than my usual videos because this was a sponsored video being pushed to a wider audience by the publisher who paid me to make the video".

Naturally, Ruby neglects to mention the sponsorship payment for advertising the book, or the fact that it was gifted, or the fact that she and Blakeney attended a launch event for the book. Unsurprisingly, she struggles to provide any more information than is on the back cover, since she didn't actually read this, either.

Ruby finds excuses to mention HAHHR BASST FRAND BLAKENEEEEEEY at least four times in this video, which is twice the number of books she actually read this year.

 

[gossip_guy]

"but i might
suppose be good
mere in
things even if we don't see it" - Sara Crewe.

The PUNKY BREAD-ACTIVITY Insta is a completely hilarious mess since Martha took over.

There's only been two varieties of content: Gloomy image of nature or Ruby morosely glaring at her laptop screen, with a generic, Googled motivational quote scribbled on top, or a reposted story from someone else.

The vast majority of the brand's social media neglects to advertise the brand or its product/s - great marketing! There still hasn't been a proper flickthrough of that new distastrous half-yearly "yearly"/"AVVERYDAY" planner to show people what they're supposed to be paying for or clear up the false advertising.

I can't tell if Martha's mastered the art of Ruby parody and imitating her terrible social media posts, if she's following Ruby's crappy, clichéd content prompts to the letter and this is the result, or both of them are just completely devoid of imagination or talent in similar ways.