Niomi Smart #28 Still smarting over dreamy Joe, giving fascist Forky a go.

[sitkx]

Besties,

Please join me on a Tattle Wellness Retreat.

First day schedule:
11:00am - A moderated forum with the following guests will take place

• In conversation with Fredward Woodward: The spice rack that broke the camel’s back
• In conversation with Charlotte: What went wrong // The bridesmaids proposal I wasn’t ready for
• Special guest, Dettol Daddy: One coffee, one hidden packet of Splenda. How it started and how it ended

12:00pm - open bar Happy Hour


16:00 - carbohydrate buffet (Warning: as the event organizer, I HATE not being in control of my body, and I eat exclusively carbs. So if any form of vegetable is found on your person during the trip, you will be promptly escorted off the premises. No refunds.)

18:00- coffee hour & PowerPoint Presentations

• Please join us at 6 for coffee (minimum 2 drink purchase per person required), followed by PP presentations by Niomi Smart. Presentations include “How to Lose Friends and Influence People”, “How to be a carbon villain”, along with fan favorite “I am NOT an influencer”

19:00 - Instagram feature presentation by Terrina titled “That was then & This is now”. Big Tezza will explore Dimbob’s greatest Instagram moments. Notable mentions include pizza night” and “” with the mop hair.

20:00- Karaoke bar (special guest: Bradley Simmonds)

• Bradley will be performing a medley of greatest hits, such as “Achy Breaky Fart”, “Wake me up when Niomi tags me”, “Smells like Niomi is hitting the Spirits”, “While my dignity gently weeps”, “Hellbent for Instagram exposure”, and others

21:00- Paint and Sip with Verity

• Join us for a glass of wine and interior design lesson with Verity, where we will paint by numbers on a book-wallpaper while learning about Britain’s tackiest interiors

22:00- Happy Hour and Poetry reading with Special Guest Caggie. Poems include “Saturn is coming” and “The end is nigh”

23:00- End of day 1

Please sign up, spots are VERY limited. Cost is £35,000/person per night + taxes, organizational fees, accommodations and travel not included, food not included.


Special Thank You to our sponsors: Dettol, Farmacy, Mercedes Benz, and the National Rugby Association in partnership with the Woodwards.

See you there

#AD #Sponsored #Gifted #Sustainable #Plant-Based #vegan #fishtank #garage #Brixton #Sussex #OnwardNotWoodward #Anna #Fredward #Bridesmaids #WeeekendGetaway #SmartSwap #SmartSkin #LivingSmart #NOTanInfluencer #reducereuserecycle #mercedesbenz #veganinterior #Gleambot #JusticeforJoey

 

[lilamay]

That breakfast makes miso sad.

 

[Pundertaker]

Borrowing from @lilamay 's miso post here:

Niomi Smart #29: miso happy, miso thin, miso single, miso dim

 

[blurstoftimes]

so intrigued by this dystopian sounding wellness centre so I looked on the website and discovered that this is the founder. Would YOU trust this man with your health and wellbeing? It's a male Terrina!

ps why is he holding a glass jug filled with beans

Spoiler: nightmare fuel

 

[Shutterbug99]

I posted in Bradley's thread but just had to mention here that this guy has a giant picture of himself BESIDE HIS BED! What a catch!

 

[Mr.Mistoffelees]

Spot the difference

 

[lostjate]

Interesting that Forky used a picture from his weekend away with Nims to accompany his response to this question. Mmm...hmmm.

Also, who thinks Nims sent the question?!

View attachment 817674

The use of the word ‘females’ is so ick

 

[Gymgirl1994]

Long time lurker here but have never actually posted. So… hello (This is a long post, I’m sorry)
Nothing too exciting to report but a few years ago I actually bumped into Niomi & Joe while I was abroad. This was when I really idolised her and couldn’t believe it when I saw her. I was with my boyfriend and he told me to say Hi.. (so cringe and awkward I know!) but after a lot of encouragement I thought, what have I got to lose?
She was sat with Joe and all I said, very politely, was that I really enjoyed her videos and it was nice to meet her. Joe was sooo lovely and had a big smile on his face. He thanked me for coming over but Niomi looked at me like a piece of poop! I felt instant regret! It was so awkward I wanted the ground to consume me. What’s funny is I remember thinking it’s odd they don’t seem that into each other? They weren’t talking (which is fine.. I suppose we aren’t always in gripping conversations with our partner) but I remember thinking it was really odd. She was posting photos of their trip like they were the most in love couple you’d ever seen.
I get the impression even Joe found her posts cringe/not true to their reality. She created this over the top ’perfect couple’ persona which even they weren’t living.

 

[QueenBW]

My vibe about Forky being one of those frat bros who cajole women, or worse, into having sex with them because they think they're God's gift to eath intensifies with every new bit he unveils about himself.

I dislike Niomi actively, but I wouldn't wish Bradley even on her. You can tell he's never given an orgasm to anyone but himself in his entire life but thinks women just have them by looking at him.

 

[sitkx]

I can't wait for her 30th birthday meltdown! This is all just too funny at this point.

It makes me laugh how in all her previous videos, she always goes "I think these are... what are these Joe? Vegan chicken nuggets from Patty & Bun?" or "I think this is a raspberry coulie on top of the cake?" as if she didn't overanalyse the menu and ingredients prior. She's always had a stick up her bum!

Even now, she's trying so hard but in different ways. Imagine her doing a full face of make-up and putting on a slutty top on a Saturday night to take 300+ photos emulating your ex-bf's latest love interest? IMAGINE IT! She's so embarrassing.

you mean…like this? The discount version of anna

and of course this one, credits to @corncob

 

[CheshireLove]

With another flight coming up, I’d like to point out ‘Little Miss Sustainability’ Niomi’s recent flights -

July 2021 - Mallorca
August 2021 - Marbella
August 2021 - Saint-Jean-Cap-Ferrat
September 2021 - Ibiza
September 2021 - Santorini

I’m certain I’ve missed a few. These trips have been back-to-back and interspersed with several breaks to Cornwall and Soho Farmhouse.

 

[corncob]

Nice try dimbobs

 

[Lovemeabitoftea]

View attachment 813826Is this edited it looks a bit unnatural?

also who took this pic

I feel physically uncomfortable looking at this photo. Her back is arched to emphasise her butt, her stomach is sucked in to show off her rib cage, and her face is stiff and she looks pained from thinking way too hard about how she’s coming across. How does this photo in any way embody the joy of solo travel?? Can the woman just breathe??

 

[lilamay]

I posted in Bradley's thread but just had to mention here that this guy has a giant picture of himself BESIDE HIS BED! What a catch!

View attachment 820156

But he has a picture of loved ones on his chest of drawers... you can see a photo - oh no wait it's him again.

Also you'd hope he puts up some blinds. He might want to watch himself but I'm sure the residents of Battersea don't.

The last time she talked about surgery, she just had the freckle in her eye removed. Probably something similar but she needs an entire day of rest, yet instead of resting, she’s fishing for sympathy on Instagram.

Yeah and it'll have been done at a private clinic. She's got no sense of perspective whatsoever.

 

[Coldfeet]

Slightly off topic. I was a bookaholic as soon as I could read. In junior school our ancient teacher was droning on about penguins. I piped up and said, 'We have a penguin book at home'. Teacher: 'Oh lovely bring it in'.

Next day I proudly trotted in with my 'penguin' book. Gave it to the teacher. She gasped. Spluttered. Went very red in the face and sent me to the headmaster. I was mightily puzzled.

Turned out that the book was PUBLISHED by Penguin. The infamous 'LADY CHATTERLY'S LOVER'

Once the head established that I hadn't actually read this book, he gently wrapped the book in some newspaper and told me to take it home.

Told my dad and he laughed so hard he almost had a heart attack!!
All a mystery to me

 

[sydneybarrett]

People feeding into her delusions:

Ahh yes, a spitting image:

Also what happened to Audrey Hepburn being her idol, guess she changes it to whoever matches her current hairstyle

Love this comment tho surprised it didn't get deleted

 

[corncob]

She’s lost it, guys. She really has LOL. Such an embarrassment and blissfully unaware of it

 

[Ms.Marble]

I don't want to step on anybody's toes here and please don't feel attacked, it's just my personal opinion.
But I find it ridiculous for someone like Niomi to drive a car that is so gigantic that it doesn't even seem to fit inside the parking spot lines. For me there are several issues with the size of that car.
1. Electric or not, the resources that a car like this takes up to function is just a shit ton, in production and everything else. 2. A car of that size is so bothersome in London, where traffic isn't the best to begin with. Parking will be an absolute nightmare. This car takes up SO much space on the street, whether parked or driving. And when, realistically, will it ever hold more than one or, at most, two people? Something that could have been achieved by a car that is a lot smaller.
And realistically, when will she ever need to have a car of that size? At what occassion does she actually have a need for a huge car? So that she doesn't go and buy moving boxes the next time she moves? Or to move her and her workout gear to one of the gyms? What does she ever transport? I have never actually seen her transport anything or anyone.....

And, not to repeat myself, but she lives in London. She doesn't commute to anything. Why does she need a car to begin with?

 

[kalechips]

and I’m not trying to start a fight, I’m genuinely curious. Why is him saying females in that post bad? The answer is stupid, but I don’t get why that part is singled Out. I hate him and want to hate him for the right reasons, I need to know what I’m not understanding so I can join in the hate Forky’s female post, too lol

The word 'female' isn't synonymous with 'woman', it's an adjective used to describe the biological sex of any given species. When people like Forky use it as a noun it essentially reduces women to their biological/reproductive functions. I also think it gives me and a lot of people the ick because describing women as 'females' is often seen in really sexist subcultures, like incels, MGTOW and redpillers, who use it to denigrate women.

 

[Callan]

We should create a new drinking game, everytime Niomi says that she's happy everyone eats a piece of bread.