New baby and post birth advice #56

[LavaFlake]

Hello just thought I’d park myself in these threads as Baby Lava has now arrived Seven pounds seven ounces and five days early.

As you can see from the timestamp of this message we’re already settling into the new Mum lifestyle

 

[CallMeHollywood]

I think we’re going to have to agree to disagree with some of these statements. Some of us would’ve loved time with babies before they were whisked away for treatments, and some would’ve loved time to heal and rest to be the best they could be for their baby - some both. Whatever your views, I think we can all agree that the important thing is being honest and letting everyone have a view while being sensitive to each other’s experiences, especially for new mums coming over from the pregnancy thread who need to know that there isn’t a “normal”.
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I also need to add that this thread has been paramount to me as a new mum. Whether as a venting space or for advice or even just for someone to say, “I don’t know, but I hear you”. Let’s try and keep it a safe space.

 

[themuffinwoman]

It’s a tough one, because you only know what it’s like for you. And trauma is subjective so what I find traumatic, you might not. 2 people can have experiences exactly the same, and have different reactions. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to suggest that having more rest/sleep might make you function better as a Mum, as that’s what I took from WC’s comment.

Incredibly well said. The midwives took MM for a couple of hours so I could sleep, she would only settle on me and I was falling asleep with her on me. I knocked my table and they burst in because they thought I had dropped her.
Knowing WC for over a year from this thread and the pregnancy one, she’s a lovely person, and didn’t mean half of what is being suggested here. She was simply saying having some sleep might help, it’s not the same for everyone and for those other posters who have jumped on, you could also be classed as being “tone deaf” as you have no idea what her experience was.

 

[Ro98]

Let’s hope no one is honest moving forward and shares any details about how hard they’re finding motherhood because “it’s what you signed up for”.
This thread can turn sour so quickly.

 

[Tifastrife]

I am so sorry for the long rant incoming… really feel like I’m drowning and lost. We had a big bust up today and my other half said he’s feeling very depressed with everything going on in his life and my “nagging” is adding pressure and making him feel worse. He even mentioned he’d been feeling suicidal. It scared me, and I’ve asked him to speak to someone/seek help and we had a huge chat about everything going on, but as selfish as this is probably going to sound - but I have nowhere else to voice this - I kind of feel like once again my feelings and needs have gone ignored and been invalidated. I wouldn’t be “nagging” if I just had a little bit extra help.

When I asked for examples cause I honestly didn’t know I had been apparently nagging and he said moaning about me have to ask him to do bedtime instead of him offering, or moaning I don’t have help during the night. I don’t think it’s a big ask.

Sometimes I’ve lied to family and friends about how much he helps because I’m actually embarrassed. Or they’ll say things like why doesn’t he take him for the day to give me a rest and I’m like yeh good idea! While in my head thinking no, he wouldn’t do that. He’s great with his older son and does things with him - he says he just doesn’t know “what to do” with a baby. I manage to fill my days, work it out mate 🥲. I also apparently can’t moan about being two months into no sleep because “this is what I wanted.”

 

[WotsitG1]

To lighten the mood- what’s your mum name? I’m mama or mummy, purely mama because I’ve been mama to the dogs for 7 years and it suits me lol.

im dadadada because baby wotsit refuses to say mama

 

[WeepingCassandra]

I get it, but as a mum to a NICU baby (as I know a lot of others on here are) who was whisked away and then had to spend those nights alone in hospital, I would have done anything to be able to look after her and even hold her overnight the first few nights. You’re lucky you were able to do that

Actually, if you read my post you'll see that I was able to hold my baby once every few hours for an entire week as he was in the jaundice light chamber for so long. If someone had said "we'll do his next two feeds, don't worry" rather than "Yes, you do need to keep staying awake 24 hours a day to attend to his needs even though you've been awake for 4 days already and 2 of those days were in labour resulting in surgery" I could have gotten a decent chain of sleep, that's all. I really struggle if I don't get enough sleep and for me I would always prioritise sleep, I'd rather not eat, leave the house, do anything else than be sleep deprived. There's a reason the military use sleep deprivation as a torture technique!

FWIW, there's a birth centre in my local area which does actually provide overnight support for new parents who are struggling or need a rest which you can be referred into. They also allow people to come and stay for 24 - 48 hours in the first 3 or 4 weeks to provide breast feeding support and also help with general care for the baby, so if you're completely clueless and struggling like I was then it's a space where you can go and learn how to do the basics. It is much more common in a lot of other countries to provide new parents with a lot more support than we do - and indeed when my mum had me and my sister in the UK in the late 80s and early 90s the babies were taken away over night to a nursery to allow new mums to sleep and heal! For me I'm certain having that routine made my postnatal depression worse and really set us up on the wrong foot. It's not for everyone, that's true but for me it would have been a god send. I couldn't access the birth centre local to us for a few reasons but wish I had pushed for it. I guess I see it as yet another reduction of NHS services... maternity services are so dire atm and my local one has recently been the centre of a Panorama investigation... [For context I work in the NHS too]

It is certainly different for all parents and I'll be first to admit that I also struggled to bond with my baby, needing support from the infant bonding team etc. but I don't think having a healthy baby and having him with me 24/7 at all times would have helped with that. I'm the first to admit that I've never been one of these mums who lives, breathes, sleeps their baby but that's my own personal situation to manage. I love him with all my heart but it is hard being a parent whatever your circumstances which we can all agree on and perhaps a nicer start might have made things a bit easier for us.

I'm sorry if I offended you or anyone else but that's my personal opinion and you're welcome to disagree all you like. I don't want anyone to read this thread and think their opinions aren't welcome because it is a hugely useful support network for new parents.

Anyway.

My boss has emailed me regarding my return to work and given me a date two weeks earlier than the one I came up with when working out my annual leave. I've also been asked to do a flexible working request and reminded that "they may not be able to accommodate it" which seems ridiculous when 1) they don't have any bloody staff and 2) I'm dropping one day in a service that is covered 7 days a week on a rolling rota anyway. Fed up of it all being so difficult.

 

[calmyourritas]

I know it's probably better for the baby and bonding if they're given to us straight away and we have to look after them immediately, but I can't help but think perhaps there needs to be some leeway with having someone professional take care of them for just the first night or two so new parents can actually sleep and regain some energy.

I get it, but as a mum to a NICU baby (as I know a lot of others on here are) who was whisked away and then had to spend those nights alone in hospital, I would have done anything to be able to look after her and even hold her overnight the first few nights. You’re lucky you were able to do that

 

[opintionatedperson]

Just giving myself a tap on thr back for successfully bringing away my 4 week old for two nights for a family wedding which I was part of the wedding party.. Thankfully everyone understood my no hold rule and I felt like a superstar even attending it. After a questionable first night, he was brilliant for the actual day and we're just having cuddles during one of his feeds.

 

[Heyguysswipeup]

Echoing what @3areasofbotox and @calmyourritas have said @WeepingCassandra what a tone deaf and utterly privileged and frankly vile comment. You are SO lucky to never know the pain of having your baby taken away, without being able to hold them and not knowing when you will see them again. It is a trauma that will NEVER leave you and a pain worse than you have ever felt.

I never comment on this thread but do read along, and can I just say @WeepingCassandra your comment is extremely tone deaf to NICU parents and parents who are very poorly after childbirth and are not able to be with their child. The trauma it leaves is heartbreaking and time we will never ever get back. You need to count your blessings

I think you are taking their comment way out of context and as for someone who never posts on this thread, I don’t know why you’re all of a sudden piping up now? I’m sure what the OP said never had the intentions of offending anyone. Everyone’s birth experience is different and adjustment post partum is different, she never said anything with malice.

 

[WeHadFunRight]

To lighten the mood- what’s your mum name? I’m mama or mummy, purely mama because I’ve been mama to the dogs for 7 years and it suits me lol.

Mummy but she doesn’t say that yet.
When 5 was smaller she used to call my husband “the other one”

 

[loveanatter]

We had our call with the dietician yesterday and I know a few others have mentioned waiting lists etc…
She was exceptionally helpful! I feel like we waited a bit too long for a lot of the advice and I probably knew a lot with having 3 CMPA children but nonetheless helpful.
She agreed that a child that is suffering with severe constipation regularly isn’t normal and has put a plan in place with a few little things to help and is going to see him in person in 4 weeks.
(4 weeks so we can see if any of them help)
I feel like for the first time in 12 months, someone listened to the problem and actually wanted to help!
So for anyone still waiting, may there be light at the end of the tunnel x

 

[Nosysamsie]

Let’s hope no one is honest moving forward and shares any details about how hard they’re finding motherhood because “it’s what you signed up for”.
This thread can turn sour so quickly.

It's a shame this morning seeing this. I've always felt like this thread is a bit of a safe space when you're struggling for some support because there's usually someone out there going through the same or has been through the same.

 

[Hinchhater1442]

Are you all for real? I appreciate having your baby whisked away must be traumatic, but do you know each persons individual circumstances to stay they also didn’t have a traumatising time??? And that, despite not having their baby away from them, they too didn’t have to deal with things that left them traumatised in the after math?
Shit, I thought this was a decent thread until now.

 

[anything at all]

Just need to vent

Woke up with a sore throat, all achey and sneezy so think I def must be getting what hubby has got have a banging headache too ! The timing…

Really pissed off though, I felt like absolute shite when baby woke up and I said to hubby we both should get up as I don’t feel very well and now hub has been nothing but horrible to me ever since all because I didn’t let him sleep in while he’s still ill. Then I wish I didn’t bother waking him up either as he wasnt helpful at all and just went and sat on the sofa with coffee.

Like sorry but we’re both ill? It’s not exactly fair for either of us to just lay in bed while the other struggles alone with baby is it? And I let him sleep in the last 2 mornings..
But no he’s been picking small fights about anything he can with me ever since. I hate when they also say things like ‘why did you want to be a mum if you just want to stay in bed’. Really unfair thing to say. I hate it.

 

[fudgebox]

Do you know what winds me up, is the people on peanut that post ‘my baby slept through the night last night should I be worried’ like no enjoy the sleep I wish mine would sleep through!!

 

[Pontiac_Bandit]

Baby bandit's been feeling upset and unwell the past few days with a nasty cold, and I haven't done weaning for a couple of days as he wasn't drinking enough milk so I focused on that. Today he seemed fairly cheerful after a visit from his grandparents so I grabbed a pouch of apple and banana puree from Lidl and he LOVED it, he had over 2/3 of the pouch which is the most he's ever eaten!! So proud of him

 

[Onepotatotwopotato]

The posted didn’t say this though. When you’ve just given birth and it’s traumatic, and you then have a baby to look after, it makes it difficult to recover and be able to look after baby in the way you thought/ had hoped you’d be able to.
my baby wasn’t in NICU or any special care unit, but I was severely poorly after giving birth and relied on the nurses and my husband to take care of the baby so I could try and get better. Everyone’s situation is different. Everyone seems to have jumped on weeping Cassandra other than Rita who’s comment actually had a bit of grace to it to explain the other side,

I had a rough induction and a section like weeping Cassandra (I think) and really struggled after, the midwives were kind enough to take my baby overnight for a few hours so I could sleep and it really helped me ... Didn't affect bonding either!
I've also had two kids whisked to nicu upon birth and I can honestly say I wasn't offended at all by the comment. I don't really have a point just wanted to add my two cents lol

 

[Hinchhater1442]

I was not being rude, I think if you ask anyone on the threads I frequent they’ll tell you I’m anything but. But you explaining what it’s like to give birth and care for a baby… I’m simply saying I know already.

It’s a tough one, because you only know what it’s like for you. And trauma is subjective so what I find traumatic, you might not. 2 people can have experiences exactly the same, and have different reactions. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to suggest that having more rest/sleep might make you function better as a Mum, as that’s what I took from WC’s comment.

 

[WotsitG1]

Never rains but it f**king tips it down!
A women drove into us in car today. Baby wotsit is fine…. Car seat was only a month old… saved up for this bloomin car seat…. Now I’m reading quote me happy don’t cover car seats! I wanna curl up and cry… and I have a stinking cold!