Jack Monroe #92 Reverse Robin Hood, grifts from the poor to give to herself

[bignose28]

Just an aside here, before Jack emerges with today's chaos.

As someone that's long had a "problematic" relationship with alcohol I've really appreciated the ongoing discussion on this thread about AA and related matters. Am not a joiner, and the prospect of meetings brings me out in a cold sweat, but you could say I've been dry-curious for a while.

Picked up a pdf of Living Sober and finding it a fascinating read. 10 days since I last had a drink and not planning to have one today

A sincere thankyou and (less sincere!) fuck off.

 

[xoxo]

Just happened across this tweet from the person who paypalled Jack £20 for the trolley.

This is heartbreaking.

 

[BlendedSlop]

A day in the life

Jack was woken from her dinosaur nap by the rumbling of a lorry pulling up outside the shitty bungalow.

"Get to fuck!" she screamed, struggling to extricate her Mediterranean arse from her (gifted) weighed blanket and scrabbling to turn off her six radios. "I haven't had my eight hours!"

Immediately updating her Twitter with this very important information as she grifted over to the window, she parted her (gifted) £250 handmade curtains and peered outside. A delivery driver was unloading the latest shipment of donated shopping trolleys from the lorry.

"I suppose it's nice of my followers to send me shit, and I am after all so deserving of all this stuff, but I haven't got the room..." Jack mused to herself, absentmindedly poking her tongue through the 50p sized hole in her lip.

Suddenly the enormity of the task at hand hit her with the force of a sleeper train to Edinburgh. Not only did she have to blend some bollock sausages, present the results on her Instagram and send out the postcards her Patreon backers had paid for, she now had to somehow accommodate 18 new shopping trolleys in a space already bursting at the seams with high-end furniture. How was she expected to do so much work in a single day while still recovering from the worst case of burnout her private doctor had ever seen? She felt the many sideboards closing in on her.

Falling to the floor with a wordless howl of rage, she pummelled the carpet, roaring and gnashing her teeth. "It's a good job my severe arthritis is having a day off," she panted once she'd calmed herself down.

She sought advice from the sentient mirror, who simply said: "Your solution is as it ever was, my bodybuilding pescatarian friend - the kindness of strangers."

"That's it!" Jack crowed, leaping atop a sideboard and hopping in excitement. "I'll crowdfund an extension for the trolleys! I'm sure my landlady won't mind. After all, I've already designed the current kitchen and renovated the shed for my mayonnaise exploits. And if she dares say anything, I'll set my 250,000 dear friends on to her."

Filled with renewed motivation, she scampered over to her laptop and checked her online tip jar. "Not enough..." she seethed, cursing that her late-night tweets about not being able to afford to sleep hadn't had the desired effect. She tapped furiously at her keyboard with her finger sausages, sending a grave message to her acolytes.

"Going to be taking a break from this hellsite (and all other sites) for a while. I'm fine, honestly, it's just that my budget doesn't stretch to internet services at the moment. I'll just have to do what we all used to in the olden days and find other ways to connect with people. If you need to get in touch, I'm sure my agent will be able to pass on any letters. Take care of each other."

After making sure the tip jar on her redesigned website was functional, she sprawled on her (gifted) sofa and languidly spooned devilled eggs into her greedy goblin mouth. "Well, that's another hard day's graft done," she said aloud through a mouthful of anchoiade. "Time for another nap."

 

[Pocahontas]

Congratulations to @TriviaNewtonJohn for the thread title! I’ve lost count, babe. Vlad says you aren’t getting any more bitcoin from him though.

Recap of thread #91

1. Looks like she may soon be in receipt of a shopping trolley or two. Perhaps then, good followers of Jack Monroe, the trolley crowdfunder is not necessary. Stand down, stand down.
2. She was also donated £20 from someone who looks like they need it far more than Jack does.
3. Hold the phone, anti-aging pink velvet curtains can be sourced from John Lewis. Recaptured youth, here I come.
4. She made a tomato and stuffing soup, called it a fancy Italian name, used a fancy font and posted the photo.
5. Wet mustard now joins the ranks of how Jack likes things (ham, eyes and ... puddles).
6. Say, what do I do with this cabbage, Jack? Why <shuffles through encyclopaedic recipe mind> bung it in a curry or casserole!
7. She’s not going to post daily photographs of her cooking anymore as it’s ~very~ time consuming. All this doing-what-she-said-she-was-going-to-do lark can not be maintained and don’t you forget it.
8. Oh, please, let the good people ‘admin your admin’ to get you out of your ‘admin spiral’, Jack. Or are you worried things won’t ... add up?
9. She needs to put her big pants (the sideboard girdle?) on because she’s ‘working’ late nights and she’s still burning out.
10. Jack, do have Patreon? Funnily enough, yes she does have Patreon, but it’s such hard work fulfilling her meagre promises, she just wants the money, baby.
11. Thrifty Shades of Beige really took the country by storm.
12. She doesn’t see the point of white sauce if it’s not a cheese sauce. Of course, ‘most of them aren’t’. The first rule about No-Bechamal Club is we don’t talk about how to spell it correctly.
13. @LavaFlake took one for the cabal and tackled the Vegan Creamy Mushroom Soup recipe. She lived to tell the tale: results and photos here.
14. Jack used to be poor and ‘garlic used to be a luxury god damn it’ but now she can ‘inflict the misery’ of ... well, looky here! What’s this? Why, it’s Good Food for Bad Days, written by hers untruly.
15. Lil Uzi Hurt (@lostblackboy) (who does still follow her ...) asked Twitter for advice in writing books. Southend’s answer to Stephen King offered her two cents’ worth (including: ‘word-vomit’, ‘mental equivalent of pulling a fatberg out of the sink’ and ‘really good shit’).
16. Stacey Dooley will be presenting a new BBC show and Jack is going to ‘hate-watch it’. Needless to say, she’s going to have the last laugh. (While clawing at her John Lewis weighted blanket and spooning condensed milk straight from the tin into her mouth).
17. Please, someone commission Jack’s ‘Gobblebox’. She wants a second series.

Spoiler: Jack for Dummies

For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):

Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/

Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.

For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.

*** JACKISMS ***

Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:

Yes, absolutely x

Some other favourite Jack quotes:

‘Babe, same’

‘I did a chaos’

‘My maverick brain’

‘My sad little face’

‘I’m BUSY’

‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’

‘I laughed up a lung’

One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **

To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).

Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *

Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)

We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.

During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.

Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.

Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.

*Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*

Also:

• She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
• She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
• Her dad's a fucking LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
• Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
• Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
• She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
• During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
• The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.

Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.

We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.

 

[MancBee]

With regards to the far right, I worked as a nurse back in the late 80s/early 90s and nursed an elderly man who had been part of a force which liberated the camps. What he saw was so horrific that he got photos taken because, as he said "nobody will ever believe us without some proof".

He had kept the photos after the war in a photo album which his wife brought in so he could show me.

All I can say is man's inhumanity to his fellow humans knows no bounds. The camps were by this point free of German guards and one photo showed a little girl washing from a bowl on the ground. Behind her were bodies piled high and she was there and washing herself like this was totally normal.

Heartbreaking.

I've been outspoken about Far Right ideology ever since. Some of the campaigning for Brexit left me open mouthed...of course it was Farage behind the worst.

Without too much, my father was a prisoner of war in Stalag Luft. He was forced to work in the brickfields making bricks that built Auschwitz and Birkenhaus. Can you imagine having to live with that guilt for the rest of your life? ETA, he was not aware of what the bricks were used for at the time,.

He was on the so-called Death Marches across Poland and Germany as the allied troops advanced. They had no food, no shoes and walked hundreds of miles on scraps of bread. He told me of a story where on the march a train with food became derailed. The prisoners had to get the train back onto the tracks but were not allowed any of the food. One of the prisoners stole a rabbit and tried to make a fire to cook it. They were caught and because they wouldn't say who stole it, the guards chose 10 at random, shot them then hung their bodies on lamposts that the prisoners had to walk past.

His friend at that time has written a book which is the most harrowing thing I have read. Both are now dead, but hopefully, their stories will continue to be told.

The thought that Jack is trying to make personal gains and take a moral high ground, weedling herself into something she knows nothing about makes me physically sick.

 

[Saint_clemmie]

“my budget doesn’t stretch to butter, did everyone hear that?” “MY BUDGET DOESN’T STRETCH TO BUTTER!!!” Give me money, but don’t give me money, but do.

 

[MancBee]

My grandfather was a POW in WWI.

The Germans dug him out from a hole underneath the bodies of the horses he cared for, took him to a field hospital, performed emergency surgery and plated the gaping hole in his skull and fed him three square meals a day and clothed him until the end of the war.

Not only did he always refuse to take part in parades because, to him, it was glorifying war for the benefit of people who hadn't done it and the ordinary soldiers were just soldiers like he was, doing what they had to, but he said in reference to the 1930s-40s atrocities, such as the Holocaust (GM was Jewish, so they had extra reason to fear the Allies losing) that hungry people will do anything if they're promised food - and the Germans had been desperately hungry for many years following WWI.

Yes, Dad did say some of the German soldiers were kind, but the guards on the marches were brutal and unforgiving, they too were starving and any rations were to feed them first. They walked 650 miles from Sagan in Poland to Berlin.

My dad would never watch war films, or talk much about what happened to him until the final year or so of his life. He was the standard-bearer for many years at our memorial parades, not because it was the glorification of war, but in memory of his comrades that never came home. They certainly didn't take the prisoners of war in Stalag Luft (made famous in the film Great Escape) to the hospital. My father's best friend died of dysentery and they made my father dig his grave.

I took him to the Imperial War Museum North, where you can look up the graves of any soldiers. He stood at the terminal checking for his friends with tears rolling down his face, the first and last time I saw him cry.

ETA sorry this post is so off-topic, but Jack trying to shoehorn herself into something she has a cursory knowledge of fucks me right off.

 

[Cookiecookie]

Tomato

 

[Veronicaaa]

Well done for doing the bare minimum 4 days later I guess <standing ovation for Jack>

 

[Scarletfever]

Well safe to say she's definitely done her tattle catch up now.

View attachment 282949

What a dick. Squiggle's DMs are open too. But JM's too fucking high and mighty to DM a pleb.

Repay her the £20!

Honest opinion, that is so much better. It tastes like a cheap cup-a-soup.

Still far too much salt and it retains the claggy texture. A lot of effort and expense to create what is not even as nice as a cup-a-soup and loads more expensive. It has a persistent aftertaste which is not pleasant. The way it coats the back of your throat requires a lot of water to wash it down.

I would possibly eat it if there was absolutely nothing else (though I am not going to persevere this time). Would I choose to eat it? No.

I won't waste it though, as suggested I might add it to a ragu, or at least some of it.

Can I nominate this line as a thread title?

Jack Monroe #93 Persistent aftertaste which is not pleasant

 

[MancBee]

Where to start...

Thick slimy texture, probably due to the stuffing mix, not soupy at all. A bit like porridge after it has been left to long and it congeals into a semi-solid.

Flavours overpowering and not pleasant, sage dominant. Far too much salt using a whole stock cube for such a small portion. The density of tomato is now coming forth and is coating the back of my throat. I need water to wash it down. I can't take any more and will try her suggestion of "thining it down" with water, it is just too much.

Hang on for the sequel, return of the tomato soup, the thinned down version.

Will put back in the pan with water and reheat.

 

[NomDeGuerre]

I’m really uncomfortable with the use of the word ‘pilgrimage’ in regards to concentration camps.

 

[Silver Linings]

Holy fucking photoshop.

 

[MancBee]

Wow, these dinner parties she held sound riveting.

View attachment 283073

She has such a chip on her shoulder. They don't come much rougher than me and I've got friends as diverse as a Judge (one of Britain's youngest female Judges too ), hospital doctors and GPs, media lovies in Barnes and TV personalities in Manchester. I know millionaires and more. They are real friends and accept that the class I was born into was not a choice, they accept me for who I am.

Not one of them makes fun of me or my accent. I have seen all of them pissed and non of them would be so crass or insulting as to do so. They are my friends and wouldn't be if they acted as she says hers do.

However, I didn't go to a Grammar school, I didn't take O'levels I took CSEs. It didn't stop me from educating myself with further education which eventually led me to university. It took hard work and perseverance. They might have had an easier ride, but they never make me feel less than them because I'm not.

Perhaps, just perhaps, she was not liked and made a butt of their jokes and comments because she is not likeable. Perhaps they just didn't like her as a person, nothing to do with her back story.

Mind you, if they had eaten her food at the parties, can you blame them for taking a dislike to her?

Sorry for the diatribe, she is just getting on my thruppenies at the moment.

She has left a bad taste in my mouth........ literally.

 

[Scotty1976]

Well the ~I can't afford butter but I'm FINE, I can COPE~ tweet has had its desired effect

View attachment 282555

Thread#93.I can't believe she's no butter .

 

[MancBee]

Two hours later. Two cups of tea, cheese and salad sandwich and now a cup of coffee. I can still taste the tomato purée. It is lodged at the back of my throat like a coating. I just can not get rid of it. I only ate a couple of spoonfulls, what would I be like if I had eaten a bowlful?

I have decided to chuck it down the bog. It really isn't worth spoiling any other food with it. Such a waste.

Revised review........ disgusting.

 

[kachoochoo]

the serendipity on my timeline just now...

please excuse janky desktop ss, i know not what i do

 

[Silver Linings]

Bog roll jesus fucking wept. Not this again.

Not eating sugar is going well.

 

[Silver Linings]

She’s smoothed herself into the curtains!

 

[Scarletfever]

Marcus Rashford MBE just posted this:

It's so funny, because this is a really serious issue and a serious campaign, and if you go on to his twitter feed, he tweets about it randomly in between all sorts of trivial bullshit like "what's your favourite sweetie?"

Oh hang on, no, sorry, my mistake. He doesn't.

That honour is reserved for our self appointed mouth piece of the poor, Jack Monroe.