Jack Monroe #92 Reverse Robin Hood, grifts from the poor to give to herself

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Congratulations to @TriviaNewtonJohn for the thread title! I’ve lost count, babe. Vlad says you aren’t getting any more bitcoin from him though.

Recap of thread #91

  1. Looks like she may soon be in receipt of a shopping trolley or two. Perhaps then, good followers of Jack Monroe, the trolley crowdfunder is not necessary. Stand down, stand down.
  2. She was also donated £20 from someone who looks like they need it far more than Jack does.
  3. Hold the phone, anti-aging pink velvet curtains can be sourced from John Lewis. Recaptured youth, here I come.
  4. She made a tomato and stuffing soup, called it a fancy Italian name, used a fancy font and posted the photo.
  5. Wet mustard now joins the ranks of how Jack likes things (ham, eyes and ... puddles).
  6. Say, what do I do with this cabbage, Jack? Why <shuffles through encyclopaedic recipe mind> bung it in a curry or casserole!
  7. She’s not going to post daily photographs of her cooking anymore as it’s ~very~ time consuming. All this doing-what-she-said-she-was-going-to-do lark can not be maintained and don’t you forget it.
  8. Oh, please, let the good people ‘admin your admin’ to get you out of your ‘admin spiral’, Jack. Or are you worried things won’t ... add up?
  9. She needs to put her big pants (the sideboard girdle?) on because she’s ‘working’ late nights and she’s still burning out.
  10. Jack, do have Patreon? Funnily enough, yes she does have Patreon, but it’s such hard work fulfilling her meagre promises, she just wants the money, baby.
  11. Thrifty Shades of Beige really took the country by storm.
  12. She doesn’t see the point of white sauce if it’s not a cheese sauce. Of course, ‘most of them aren’t’. The first rule about No-Bechamal Club is we don’t talk about how to spell it correctly.
  13. @LavaFlake took one for the cabal and tackled the Vegan Creamy Mushroom Soup recipe. She lived to tell the tale: results and photos here.
  14. Jack used to be poor and ‘garlic used to be a luxury god damn it’ but now she can ‘inflict the misery’ of ... well, looky here! What’s this? Why, it’s Good Food for Bad Days, written by hers untruly.
  15. Lil Uzi Hurt (@lostblackboy) (who does still follow her ...) asked Twitter for advice in writing books. Southend’s answer to Stephen King offered her two cents’ worth (including: ‘word-vomit’, ‘mental equivalent of pulling a fatberg out of the sink’ and ‘really good tit’).
  16. Stacey Dooley will be presenting a new BBC show and Jack is going to ‘hate-watch it’. Needless to say, she’s going to have the last laugh. (While clawing at her John Lewis weighted blanket and spooning condensed milk straight from the tin into her mouth).
  17. Please, someone commission Jack’s ‘Gobblebox’. She wants a second series.
For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):

Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/

Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.

For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.

*** JACKISMS ***

Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:

Yes, absolutely x

Some other favourite Jack quotes:

‘Babe, same’

‘I did a chaos’

‘My maverick brain’

‘My sad little face’

‘I’m BUSY’

‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’

‘I laughed up a lung’
🥴
One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **

To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).

Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *

Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)

We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.

During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.

Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.

Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now duck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to duck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.

*Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*

Also:
  • She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
  • She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
  • Her dad's a bleeping LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
  • Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
  • Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
  • She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
  • During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
  • The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.

Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.

We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.
 
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Ooh I’m NEVER here when a new thread gets made, I feel like I’ve just seen the birth of a unicorn!
beautiful recap as always @Pocahontas, you are a star of the cabal 🌟
 
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She does do this “idea for a TV show” thing every so often, and although the ideas are invariably crap, I honestly don’t think Jack realises this. She pinned that tweet about the Annunziata pitch for ages.
It’s just like Alan Partridge dictating his TV ideas into his dictaphone.
 
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Amazing recap. Thank you!

I am still hung up on her "I was being sarcastic by dragging my friend's new show to my almost 300k followers who willingly piled on as instructed."

IMG_20201020_194042.png


I don't believe you.gif

You were caught on bitching behind your "friend"'s back so now back pedalling with a slick "I was being sarcastic". Smooth Monroe, very smooth.

With friends like JM, who needs enemies?
 
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Amazing recap. Thank you!

I am still hung up on her "I was being sarcastic by dragging my friend's new show to my almost 300k followers who willingly piled on as instructed."

View attachment 281995

I don't believe you.gif

You were caught on bitching behind your "friend"'s back so now back pedalling with a slick "I was being sarcastic". Smooth Monroe, very smooth.

With friends like JM, who needs enemies?
I say she hadn't a fecking clue who was behind it. Always has to let on like she has inside info on everything. Thoroughly unlikeable person
 
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I am somehow amazed and not surprised at the same time, that there is already a need for a new page. Jack has certainly been Jacking today!
And she really is a tit with the “they’re a friend, I already knew that” crap she constantly pulls. Reminds me of a smug 8 year old. It’s funny Jack has all these “friends“, but nary a friend to be found. 🤔
 
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Ooh I’m NEVER here when a new thread gets made, I feel like I’ve just seen the birth of a unicorn!
beautiful recap as always @Pocahontas, you are a star of the cabal 🌟
Babe SAME!!! Exciting times!
Seconding what you said about Queen @Pocahontas !
This...
The first rule about No-Bechamal Club is we don’t talk about how to spell it correctly.
... didn’t make me hoot, fizz, or do anything weird to a lung. But it did make me genuinely laugh out loud. Which is better.
 
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Amazing recap. Thank you!

I am still hung up on her "I was being sarcastic by dragging my friend's new show to my almost 300k followers who willingly piled on as instructed."

View attachment 281995

I don't believe you.gif

You were caught on bitching behind your "friend"'s back so now back pedalling with a slick "I was being sarcastic". Smooth Monroe, very smooth.

With friends like JM, who needs enemies?
she’s such a knob. She had no idea who was behind it and they probably aren’t even mates because she has no mates 🙄 I hate how she chastises the squiggle who tagged him in though, she loves to make well-intentioned people feel like tit doesn’t she?
 
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This is a very minor thing, but something that has been bothering me for a while. Why do all of Jack's recipes call for fat cloves of garlic? Particularly with the budget supermarket own ones you often only get a couple of fat cloves per bulb - the rest are teeny.
 
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Babe SAME!!! Exciting times!
Seconding what you said about Queen @Pocahontas !
This...
The first rule about No-Bechamal Club is we don’t talk about how to spell it correctly.
... didn’t make me hoot, fizz, or do anything weird to a lung. But it did make me genuinely laugh out loud. Which is better.
Oh and of course 👏🏻🥳👏🏻 @TriviaNewtonJohn for a scarily accurate title.
I did not mean to quote myself like an absolute dick there, right all over a new thread too. 😣
 
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View attachment 281965


They’re the Gogglebox producers apparently. Mates, i’m sure.
She has such delusions of grandeur, he’s a friend? Alright love 🥴

She did this earlier with “moved back home”, babe you’d left for half an hour to live in a cushty west London mews and be your rich fiancé’s human shadow? She’s tweeted about being scared of the tube so can’t imagine it was a truly immersive city experience 🥴
 
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This is a very minor thing, but something that has been bothering me for a while. Why do all of Jack's recipes call for fat cloves of garlic? Particularly with the budget supermarket own ones you often only get a couple of fat cloves per bulb - the rest are teeny.
Either Nigella describes them like that or Allegra.
 
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I say she hadn't a fecking clue who was behind it. Always has to let on like she has inside info on everything. Thoroughly unlikeable person
But Jack has inside info on the Queen's honours system don't you know, she knew all about Marcus Rashford's MBE well in advance.
 
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Amazing recap. Thank you!

I am still hung up on her "I was being sarcastic by dragging my friend's new show to my almost 300k followers who willingly piled on as instructed."

View attachment 281995

I don't believe you.gif

You were caught on bitching behind your "friend"'s back so now back pedalling with a slick "I was being sarcastic". Smooth Monroe, very smooth.

With friends like JM, who needs enemies?
Gotta love her attempts at back pedaling. Who could forget the frantic reverse after "it's what Viv would have wanted" 😂
 
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I think we should start taking bets on

1. What time the tweets shitting on Stacy Dooley and Richard Bacon's new show get deleted at; and

2. What "excuse" will be wheeled out for said tweets.
 
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I am somehow amazed and not surprised at the same time, that there is already a need for a new page. Jack has certainly been Jacking today!
And she really is a tit with the “they’re a friend, I already knew that” crap she constantly pulls. Reminds me of a smug 8 year old. It’s funny Jack has all these “friends“, but nary a friend to be found. 🤔
I’m sure itms already been said but your name is *chef’s kiss*
 
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