Marmalade Atkins
VIP Member
I've been on an eleven-page catch-up so this is old now, but it made me laugh so I'm posting it anyway.
- Notice
BlendedSlop
VIP Member
TREATMENT FOR NEW CHARITY AD
*Sombre piano music*
Grave voiceover:
"Cooking in a functional kitchen is something most of us take for granted. But did you know there are people in the UK right now who don't have a draining board on the right side of the sink?
This is Jack."
*Fade to closeup of Jack's sad little face as she forlornly holds a miniature cardboard sink up to the camera*
Voiceover cont'd:
"Jack works 28 hours a day and hasn't been on holiday since before she was born. This month, she's only bought three pairs of pleather trousers and a ninth Cotswold Co sideboard because the stress of having an incorrect kitchen configuration has made her forget her John Lewis password and she can't buy the other essentials she needs."
*Greyscale montage of Jack washing a filthy antique spoon, mistakenly putting it to drain on the wrong side of the sink, howling in anguish, dropping to the floor and clawing at the lino*
Voiceover cont'd:
"It's appalling that Jack has to live like this. But it doesn't have to be this way. For just £99 a month, you can help people like Jack get the kitchen they deserve."
*Small print on screen at this point reads "Actually, just Jack."*
*Music changes to an upbeat, jazzy tune*
*Full-colour, sunlit shots of Jack happily placing washed crockery in her new sentient draining board - NOW ON THE RIGHT SIDE - and charging one of her seventeen phones in it at the same time, applying ridiculous eyeshadow in its gleaming reflection, etc*
"Please give today by calling 0901 149 0600 or by visiting the website onscreen.
Together, we can help stop kitchen nightmares.
Thankyou."
*End on Jack's gurning face*
*Sombre piano music*
Grave voiceover:
"Cooking in a functional kitchen is something most of us take for granted. But did you know there are people in the UK right now who don't have a draining board on the right side of the sink?
This is Jack."
*Fade to closeup of Jack's sad little face as she forlornly holds a miniature cardboard sink up to the camera*
Voiceover cont'd:
"Jack works 28 hours a day and hasn't been on holiday since before she was born. This month, she's only bought three pairs of pleather trousers and a ninth Cotswold Co sideboard because the stress of having an incorrect kitchen configuration has made her forget her John Lewis password and she can't buy the other essentials she needs."
*Greyscale montage of Jack washing a filthy antique spoon, mistakenly putting it to drain on the wrong side of the sink, howling in anguish, dropping to the floor and clawing at the lino*
Voiceover cont'd:
"It's appalling that Jack has to live like this. But it doesn't have to be this way. For just £99 a month, you can help people like Jack get the kitchen they deserve."
*Small print on screen at this point reads "Actually, just Jack."*
*Music changes to an upbeat, jazzy tune*
*Full-colour, sunlit shots of Jack happily placing washed crockery in her new sentient draining board - NOW ON THE RIGHT SIDE - and charging one of her seventeen phones in it at the same time, applying ridiculous eyeshadow in its gleaming reflection, etc*
"Please give today by calling 0901 149 0600 or by visiting the website onscreen.
Together, we can help stop kitchen nightmares.
Thankyou."
*End on Jack's gurning face*
TraceyJacks
Chatty Member
THREAD TITLE: It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a life.
Ispyabudgetbeanblogger
Chatty Member
Fruitjack
VIP Member
How patronising she is. 'Welcome to my world'. What world? The world where you can stay at home all day rearranging your excessive belongings and pop to town to buy more shit you don't need because you have the money, space and time to do so. I've never been closer to revoking my Tattle membership by pointing out some home truths and if she hadn't blocked me I'd have almost certainly succumbed to politely questioning her.
heretoreaditall2019
VIP Member
So have just done an estimate on her revenue for 2021 - this isn’t straight forward but please bear with the explanation of it and as you read the bullets look at the table to help visualise! Excel phobic fraus pls join us on this journey and rest assured we will guide you through it!
So we factually know how many subscribers she had per month - what we don’t know is which payment tier they’re on or the platform fee Patreon are charging her. There’s also more complex shit like annuals get discounted but I see that as going in the vague estimate of avg monthly sub?
Because we don’t know these two we can take a look at a range of values and decide the assumptions that fit for us. So along the columns we’re applying different patreon fees, with 12% being the very highest according to their documentation and I’d assume for the big boys raking in tens of thousands a month?
Along the rows we have different avg subscription values, from the absolute minimum of £3.50 up to a hugely generous £20.00.
So let’s run through some scenarios:
* The absolute bare minimum she’d have received last year is £10.7k, assuming everyone is on the cheapest tier of £3.50 and Patreon are charging their highest fee of 12%
* Moving along the blue row you can see how a change in rates would effect her take home, if she’s on the cheapest rate of 2% she takes home £11.9k
* Going all the way up to the most £££ assumption that the average sub is £20 per month, this would mean taking home £61.2k - £68.2k per year.
* Personally for me, I think the truth lives somewhere in the grey. I think her audience are affluent enough that an avg sub of around a tenner makes sense and I’d imagine that she’d only be subject to minimal fees, so a take home of £25k - £34k from this makes sense.
Ps can we pls discuss how ducking annoying the ads are when trying to do a long post????
So we factually know how many subscribers she had per month - what we don’t know is which payment tier they’re on or the platform fee Patreon are charging her. There’s also more complex shit like annuals get discounted but I see that as going in the vague estimate of avg monthly sub?
Because we don’t know these two we can take a look at a range of values and decide the assumptions that fit for us. So along the columns we’re applying different patreon fees, with 12% being the very highest according to their documentation and I’d assume for the big boys raking in tens of thousands a month?
Along the rows we have different avg subscription values, from the absolute minimum of £3.50 up to a hugely generous £20.00.
So let’s run through some scenarios:
* The absolute bare minimum she’d have received last year is £10.7k, assuming everyone is on the cheapest tier of £3.50 and Patreon are charging their highest fee of 12%
* Moving along the blue row you can see how a change in rates would effect her take home, if she’s on the cheapest rate of 2% she takes home £11.9k
* Going all the way up to the most £££ assumption that the average sub is £20 per month, this would mean taking home £61.2k - £68.2k per year.
* Personally for me, I think the truth lives somewhere in the grey. I think her audience are affluent enough that an avg sub of around a tenner makes sense and I’d imagine that she’d only be subject to minimal fees, so a take home of £25k - £34k from this makes sense.
Ps can we pls discuss how ducking annoying the ads are when trying to do a long post????
Ispyabudgetbeanblogger
Chatty Member
Reminder: this is her kitchen.
Sideboard Bob
VIP Member
I don’t know why, but when you mentioned “smol cardboard representations” and “Pythagoras”, I had to make one.I want to see the smol cardboard representations of her furniture she calculated the dimensions of and then laboriously crafted with her poor wizened arthritic hands. Wait... is this the daily Pythagoras application?!
(I accidentally cut her hand off so have drawn it back on. Permission to draw hand not gained.)
MancBee
VIP Member
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg
Don’t put the boxes in your garage or shed, Jack ...!
Ispyabudgetbeanblogger
Chatty Member
Great call, Jack. Tell the burglars when to visit your garage again.
NomDeGuerre
VIP Member
Oh fuck OFF with the tip jar rattling about needing a bigger kitchen / wallet.
She's surely earned enough in the last few years for a deposit on a decent sized house. Maybe not in her desired area or what Allegra / Louisa could afford, but this alleging she HAS to rent because money is so tight is so sick making.
She's surely earned enough in the last few years for a deposit on a decent sized house. Maybe not in her desired area or what Allegra / Louisa could afford, but this alleging she HAS to rent because money is so tight is so sick making.
I think I get so fucked off at this particular brand of Jack Grifting because I'm trying to scrape together the deposit for a house on just one income and wouldn't dream of asking family, let alone perfect strangers, to help.
Marmalade Atkins
VIP Member
Rekyavikgirl
VIP Member
'Schwankend' - THREAD TITLE NOMINATIONThis is all the funnier and cringier when you know in hindsight that she couldn’t even bring herself to vote Remain
Is there a name for someone who writes with great conviction yet has none? I imagine that German would have something polysyllabic and delicious.
Edit: ahahahahahaha this is perfectView attachment 987372
traumatised sideboard
VIP Member
Her degree is going well then. Must be well on her way to a third doctorate by now. Those tassel baskets are vile btw. They look like something a snake would appear out of if you played a flute near it but with frumpy accoutrements. It gives off strong hot air balloon basket vibes as well.
Also it's fucking CANNELLINI you gormless bean-rinser. C-A-N-N-E-L-L-I-N-I. Two Ls, for Louisa Left.
Also it's fucking CANNELLINI you gormless bean-rinser. C-A-N-N-E-L-L-I-N-I. Two Ls, for Louisa Left.
Veronicaaa
VIP Member
Apart from everything else, isn't it weird to do a naked streak round the house when your pre-teen son is in?
Veronicaaa
VIP Member
Oh fgs
colouredlines
VIP Member
Pics of the scale models of her living room furniture or it didn't happen!
traumatised sideboard
VIP Member
Good luck and godspeed, kitchen snakes.
