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[colouredlines]

I'd like to take a quick look at this:

When English speakers refer to ragù they usually mean ragù alla bolognese...aka bolognese sauce. This is the same sauce commonly used in lasagne, so the first 3 items on her 5-item list are the same thing.

Risotto is not even remotely slow-cooked.

Boeuf bourguignon can't really be made alcohol-free, because alcohol is the key ingredient. If someone told you they were making boeuf bourguignon and gave you (tinned?) beef in tea and tomato purée, you could probably have them for false advertising.

In short, Jack knows nothing about cooking. Again.

 

[BlendedSlop]

I can't with her latest bout of utter bullshit.

My rented house
My non-existent budget (when it suits)
My rolling monthly fixed term tenancy that I'm desperate to get out of even though this shitty bungalow is the only place that's ever felt like home and I've been banging on for a year about wanting to buy it

Instead of twatting about making cardboard models of your furniture (seriously, WTAF) and whingeing about your massive, gorgeous house, try doing a day's work.

PAY YOUR FUCKING TAXES
WRITE YOUR FUCKING BOOKS
POST YOUR FUCKING PRINTS
FIX YOUR FUCKING WEBSITE
GET TO FUCKING FUCK

(Apologies @MancBee but she's getting on my last nerve today)

 

[Veronicaaa]

This is all further proof that Jack has no idea how a restaurant or professional kitchen works, they are usually teeny and every inch is planned to create a flow and keep any other space for tables, which is where the money is made.

OMG exactly! Long term readers may know (sorry for the Jack-ism ) that I used to have a fast food takeaway shop , we made everything from massive vats of soups to steak pies, lasagnes, macaroni, chilli, full breakfasts, paninis, chips obvs (etc etc you get the drift) in the tiniest of spaces to feed loads of hungry tradesmen and office workers every day. Her kitchen is about 4 times the size of our tiny one, our entire space was probably only slightly larger than hers in total and we managed to cram massive freezers deep fat fryers and industrial griddle units etc and there were quite a few of us who had to work in it. She has NO IDEA.

 

[Pocahontas]

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No sympathy for these fish people. Once bitten, twice shy - and why, oh WHY is free stuff still given to people who don’t need it?!

 

[Ispyabudgetbeanblogger]

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It's a lovely, large galley kitchen. Shouldn't be too taxing to make it workable. Thousands of people up and down the country manage.

When I was Jack's age I had a galley kitchen that was 2m x 1.5m. It was very bijoux, but we still manage to produce food that required teeth.

 

[MancBee]

Its the strangest rental set up I’ve ever heard. Hasn’t she previously intimated that she pays rent by the day / week?

She has said that it is a fixed term contract, but also said it was a rolling contract. Most UK tenancies are assured shorthold tenancies. These are for a fixed term (6 or 12 months) but can be extended either by signing a new agreement for a further fixed term, or move on to a monthly rolling contract.

I did a time volunteering at Citizen's Advice and basic tenancy information was part of the induction. You also acquired loads of information from the salaried expert staff when you sit in on client consultations.

She is talking absolute bullshit. She has signed another 12 month contract. That is the only way she can't move out for 12 months. There is no other explanation.

 

[Orphan_Black]

SHE DEEPCLEANS THE KITCHEN 5 TIMES A DAY!!!!

IT'S NOT SUITABLE FOR WORK!!!!

Jack is a PROFESSIONAL cook. She NEEDS a perfect Wren kitchen, for work, ya know. How can she work? She doesn't. The kitchen table isn't even suitable for sitting at to do her taxes.

This explains so much, no wonder the poor smol pixie has struggled. It's her unsuitable kitchen in her shitty bungalow.

The struggle is real.

 

[DisgruntledGoat]

Speaking of Jack Does Italian...

In the run-up to the Brexit referendum, Jack decided to do a series of recipes celebrating the many cultures of Europe. This lasted for precisely one entry: pizza.

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"the Sicilian chef who snuck across the ocean" suggests a poor understanding of both geography and immigration law. Later, Jack encourages people to put leftover tikka masala on their pizza, which is possibly the fastest way to piss off an Italian.

PIZZA.

First up in celebrating our multi-cultural foodie society, is the great Italian classic, pizza. For those of you so deeply ingrained in patriotism that you have never had, enjoyed or endorsed a piz…

cookingonabootstrap.com

As a footnote, Jack's This Is England Brexit tag would later be used for mushroom rogan josh, ramen, and peanut butter frozen yogurt. If she ever returns to Tattle, WHY?! will be my one question for her.

This is all the funnier and cringier when we know in hindsight that she couldn’t even bring herself to vote Remain

Is there a name for someone who writes with great conviction yet has none? I imagine that German would have something polysyllabic and delicious.

Edit: ahahahahahaha this is perfect

 

[Veronicaaa]

Did we know that Jack lost the full use of her hands at the age of 29 . How is she going to manage without Caroline-with-the-hands?

 

[OwlRightsReserved]

"You simply haven't been paying attention for the last eleven years."

Sod off into the sunset, Jack, you massive prune.

Also, what bloody world? She has a massive social support network, enough cash to spaff on eleventy billion Wilko products as she elevenerifes around every therapist's office in the greater Essex area. She's got parents with wealth, her son's father is apparently God's gift to parenting-kind, and she's had a string of spendy fiancées who have given her access to the media set to the point where she had a daily live television slot, despite being vastly unqualified for it. She has squigs pouring out their savings into her Patreon every month, multiple books published, and the opportunity to actually make something of that if only she'd do some fucking work and pay her bloody taxes.

Instead she's gently, softly, tentatively pissing into the wind and then screaming about the injustice of it all. If that "fucking sucks", then she'd be about as much use in the real world as a slapped arse cheek.

What a rancid specimen she is today. Gah.

 

[ChocolateMuffin]

Meanwhile, LJC's insta story is her in her 'Happy Place'. She's only at a bloody Mary Poppins show with someone who's NOT JACK

Ooooo the shade

 

[Lemonsweets91]

I love how she always says she works 10,000 hours+ a week so when you divide the big figure salary by all of those hours she's on less than the living wage.

Babe, you haven't worked 80 hours in total in your whole adult life. Passive income based on your poverty narrative is essentially legal fraud. Now FUCK OFF.

 

[Veronicaaa]

 

[Flash123]

Fixed it for you Jack!

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

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A timber merchants will cut wood any size you want tho? Pretty sure most B&Qs will too…?

Are we seriously watching someone complain about their PANTRY as the country is facing its second utility bill hike in a couple of months??? Fuck off!

 

[OwlRightsReserved]

Oh fgs
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"My grandmother fled a fascist dictatorship and brought prized family possessions as a security; thankfully those possessions survived, which means they're perfect to palm off on a low-rent food destroyer cook."

That squig needs to sit down and have a big think.

 

[DisgruntledGoat]

Now I think about it it’s extremely similar to a meal we had in a box last week…

I know there’s nothing new under the sun and I suppose she doesn’t need Gousto when she has Ocado but it’s telling of just how much she lies and lies and lies about everything that this thought even passed through my brain.

(I feel officially like I have transcended a class boundary in becoming someone who can order recipe boxes. Wish there had been a teacher who had derided my working class background so I could passive-aggressively send them my order confirmation email: “See? SEE?! You said I’d never amount to anything but now someone measures out my herbs for me!”)

 

[MancBee]

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Jack can't get out of the rental agreement for at least another year! What sort of rental agreement has she signed? It must be a 5 year one. I have never heard of such a thing.

 

[TheDragonWithAFlagon]

I’d dearly love to know how much she paid for that lot.

But surely she's already explained she didn't pay for more than couple of boxes, the rest was given to her?

Because of course, the cost of sending two canteens of cutlery is exactly the same as the cost of sending seventeen boxes. Even humble eBay sellers love paying people to take their stuff.

 

[Sweetcouchpotato]

Reminder: this is her kitchen.

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Anyone get the impression that, like the clothes dyeing and the Depopping… this kitchen reorganisation “project” is just another pointless exercise in epic procrastination and Twitter engagement?

Do your taxes, Jack.

The "my unsuitable kitchen means I can't do my job until I've done 1 million complicated things to put it right" reminds me of my husband. We've lived in this house since 1998 and it's still an undecorated, slowly deteriorating mess of 1/4 finished DIY projects and a lengthy list of jobs not even started. Onlyhe can't do anything because he needs to build a work shop first and can't do that until he empties the existing sheds into the garage, but first needs to empty the garage but can't start that until he's completed the house renovation which he can't start because he needs to build a workshop first. It's exhausting to live with. I should probably take the brexit tins and Leave.