Jack Monroe #203 Found a packet of pork mince

[kachoochoo]

you trifle defender

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

Hello fact loving ninnies, it’s not month end yet but it’s time to bore you nonetheless I’ve been gnashing and wailing to the skies wondering about how many of Jack’s Patron gains are resubscribers versus newly acquired victims so have dug into it for us!

Obviously there’s no way for me to know definitively as I would never be able to get unique user IDs (and methodology below behind spoiler before we get accused of hacking by boomer tech Jack) but it feels like a fair enough assumption that anyone who joins soon after churn day is a resubscribing user who may have had a payment bounce, changed card details, etc etc.

Conclusion is it looks pretty bleak for her and not a business model I’d want to be a part of. Not only are her gained patron numbers down but we’d argue increasingly just resubscribers, she’s not reaching anyone new anymore. Now she’s very much reliant on that loyal fanbase so should maybe consider actually sending them some shit?

Btw equally happy for interpretations or discussion around this as I’m just pulling it together, can tweak or look into other questions too.

And as we haven’t had it in a while, just a top line summary

Spoiler: Methodology

I have a script that’s set up to run every 10 mins and it basically opens a web browser, goes to her patreon page and just scrapes the publicly facing patron count that she has to have on it and appends it to my lil database. If she hadn’t hidden the money one I’d have added that too lol. It’s nothing illegal or immoral or accessing any of her patron’s data as I’m sure she will accuse, even if I could do that I wouldn’t as I am a GDPR good girl (unlike Jackie) and again unlike Jackie and her taxes I don’t wanna do hard time for diddly shit I’ve got it sweet on the outside tyvm x

The script collects the two plain coloured columns, then added the grey to make it easier to summarise and double check to make sure you lot get non sloppy #facts.

Ps sorry for boring post x

 

[sophiepoetry]

SB found a literal gym in a puddle and now the shitty bungalow is a Fitness First

 

[traumatised sideboard]

Is there a reason she's more unbearable on Instagram? Like on Twitter she could still write massive threads and post photos but for some reason this is so much worse. Anyway, I've just finished work on the Slopbot V3 prototype.

Joking obviously. Sexy Slopbot is strictly for Patreon subs.

 

[traumatised sideboard]

I don't know how sobriety works but surely she can't be five years sober now if she said at the end of last year she'd slipped up and had a drink, don't you re-start the clock if that happens? Maybe it depends on whether the sober part was a lie or the drink part was a lie. I don't know, I don't lie either

Dear hearts it is a blessed day, my Tattleversary! That is why I am wearing this very fetching hat. Thankyou x to the cabal for a year of lols and scathing essays, now fuck off.

 

[kachoochoo]

I was inspired by the "cover of caravan cookbook" comment

and I fully believe that this has higher production values than most of her other book covers

 

[Pocahontas]

Congratulations to @Sideboard Bob (that’s Sidey B to pals) for the words and @Rekyavikgirl (Björk?!) for the thread title! You know what your prize is gonna be, don’t you. That’s right - a nice big jar of anchovy butter, lovingly handchurned by Jack.

Recap of last thread:

1. She was Gollumically proud of her pebble circle.
2. Also of her cockatoo eyes.
3. Felt cute, deleted later.
4. A fellow doctor (just singular) wrote an academic paper on her. Validation with footnotes.
5. She fisted some blackberries into a milk bottle.
6. She wore her deceptively cheery yellow coat and grinned ‘like an idiot’.
7. She made a pork mince and changed the caption once or twice.
8. She put the anchovy butter in the ribollita
and drank ‘em bowl up.
9. ‘Slick, salty, sea-briny, fatty, melty’, ‘wildest horny dreams’ and ‘Hhhhhhnnnnngggghh’ sadly didn’t make the edited caption.
10. Alexa! Play This Is Me from The Greatest Showman.
11. Oh, Jack, those days are magical! Yes, ... but.

Spoiler: Housekeeping

Housekeeping





Please use the words ‘thread title’ (two separate words) when making a bid for one as it makes it easier to search. Also, try to hold off to the latter part of the thread if possible (after post #500). And remember - no swears are allowed.



There is a thread in the off topic forum called Food and Drink where off topic chat is encouraged if / when Jack is quiet.



New to Jack? Have a look at the wiki.

 

[traumatised sideboard]

Quick poll, which is worse: Done Jack or That'll Do Jack ? She'll have someone's eye out with that bleeding spoon.

Edit: forgot to add I am firmly in the camp, That'll Do just jostles my courgettes.

 

[Boyo]

So many hospital visits!! Hopefully not wasting valuable NHS resources in search of online attention. What next? Unexpected Butterflies? Writer's Cramp?


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Hope you don’t mind TCFC but I’ve adjusted the maladies for our Slop Queen.

 

[FlashBoof]

First prize to the person/people that said she would never change. If this isn’t proof that she has been kept off social media, I don’t know what is. And WHY would anyone share a picture that looks like vomit, as food, when their business is food? I am never repulsed by anything Nigella shares.

Just wanted to add my voice to the praise that she has shared an (allegedly) untouched photo. I am in the gang that doesn’t give two shits about her looks and age - other than it being another example of her being false/fake/lying (pink curtains and soft softly soft sunlight, anyone?).

I do care that she has been recently paying out at least three grand on just rent and aparthotels per month, whilst running a scam on people via Patreon, some of which will undoubtedly be struggling, but feel good for supporting the wee urchin. And not paying tax. That’s the killer - the woman who would be the people’s prime minister and saviour of the poor, not paying a single penny in tax apart from VAT on her ridiculous spending habits. Whilst fishing for sympathy because of “health”. And co-opting addiction. And pretending to be the primary career of her son - which is clearly apparent now, isn’t the case.

TLR Her natural looks aren’t a problem worthy of comment - her massive grift, huge and wasteful spending, failure to pay tax, lies about virtually every aspect of her life, and her co-opting of illness/addiction, should be classed as criminal behaviour.

 

[DisgruntledGoat]

It all suggests that her situation wasn't even close to as dire as she likes to suggest. She must spend every day utterly terrified that the truth is all going to come out.

I think this is why her mental health is so poor and why the narc rage went to 11 when these threads popped up. She’s led a pretty charmed life almost entirely on her terms, with a few trip ups (chief not letting her wear traaaaazers; Allegra telling her she likes tits; pater not simply giving her a portion of the property empire) being embellished as life-altering yet happily monetisable trauma. And barely questioned, with convenient labels of right-winger, homophobe, transphobe or misogynist to anyone who dared.

My friend had a three year affair that hiding caused so much stress it gave her a stomach ulcer. This is exactly the same: Jack’s doubling down of lie upon lie have made her position in the public eye untenable. She’s already played the addiction card so excited to see what her “rising from the ashes” tale will be this time around.

 

[Pocahontas]

If she liked it then she should have put an egg on it.

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

View attachment 727678

I hate that I always disagree with her around recovery because I don’t want to be like a guard to it at all, just personally think perpetuating this myth of the functioning versus “non functioning” actually only serves to enable people’s denial. You can have a solidly aspirational middle class lifestyle and have a serious addiction problem that renders you miserable, is that really functioning? Is it all okay as long as you’re in a detached house like what does functioning mean? Such a small % of addicts will find themselves in a state where they cease to be able to execute any part of a normal life (eg work, house) that I think it keeps a lot of people who could benefit from recovery out of it.

Jack’s dubious origin story also perpetuates this with her horrid stories about hissing at interns, calling people up on mat leave and starting rows with her partner. It weirdly made me feel shame for having shared so candidly here because I’d hope no one thinks we were all like this - ime you’re more likely to encounter serious depression & anxiety problems with low self esteem than that.

 

[Veronicaaa]

Marmalade, I have to ask - what on earth are you doing going back that far on Jodie Marsh's insta? Are you OK??

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

That'll do .

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

I was just scrolling down Jodie Marsh's Insta. Look what I found

 

[Winthropp Tuesday]

Go Henry squig is among us. We you!

 

[sophiepoetry]

Random but does anyone remember Jack’s cardiac issues phase? Breadcrumbing that she’d had some kind of heart attack and that she had to wear a monitor 24/7 and had had some kind of near death experience in front of SB and had to be carried wailing into an ambulance in the middle of the night? Probably all long scrubbed from the internet but was one of my first clues that they were a wrong’un

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

Apologies if we've seen this before but wtf?

(It's from 2018)

The creator was the only backer: