- Notice
Congratulations to @blurstoftimes for the thread title! 78 reactions 
it could only be this one, couldn’t it? Brava, Blurst.
Recap of thread #101
it could only be this one, couldn’t it? Brava, Blurst.Recap of thread #101
- The cooking lessons with her ‘mysterious’ bubble buddy continued. First up, Ribolitta and hot and sour soup.
- Mushroom dust? She invented it, fam.
- She has a lot of people on block on Twitter. ‘Chat shit get banned innit.’
- Don’t be saying she doesn’t stick to her words - she actually sent those chocolate bars, didn’t she. Thrifty Shades of Beige recipe cards, you say? What were they again? - they seem to have slipped her mind.
- She showed off her massive fridge. Where’s the butter, Jack? Only got lard, ain’t I, guvnor.
- Her bubble buddy is just a buddy. Good job too cos she doesn’t know how to put things away in a fridge, not to Jack’s standards anyway. What a silly buddle. How would she be able to survive without Jack?
- Joe Biden winning the US election had the gall to interrupt lockdown larder. She cracked out a dad joke in retaliation.
- #Saltyjack strikes again.
- She afforded herself a thanks from Marcus Rashford. Cheers mate, I did pave the way for you, didn’t I? Enjoy that MBE, WON’T YOU.
- Remembrance Sunday? Forget about that - she’s got a splinterrrrrr. The Audacity. It turned into a bit of a Sunday saga, to say the least.
- More ‘uppity blue ticks gone rogue’. They seem to be popping up like little mushrooms.
Wood FINGERRR, she’s the Jack, the Jack with the liar’s touch 
... she’s a massive Bond fan, of course. And everyone’s getting it wrong!- Nay matter, she deleted her Bond discourse. Prolly cos she admitted to being a fan on the hellsite.
- The splinter to end all splinters may in fact jeopardise her cooking stint with The Guardian. That’s right, Jack. Best get those disclaimers out early.
- The frauen had some fun with Monroe, Jack Monroe.
- Tank Girl appeareth.
- Her and her buddle made a mediocre pizza despite fancy cheese. Sow’s ear, silk purse and all that.
- She trod on some glass agaiiiiiin.
[*]
For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):
Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/
Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.
For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.
*** JACKISMS ***
Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:
Yes, absolutely x
Some other favourite Jack quotes:
‘Babe, same’
‘I did a chaos’
‘My maverick brain’
‘My sad little face’
‘I’m BUSY’
‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
‘I laughed up a lung’
One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **
To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).
Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *
Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)
We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.
During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.
Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.
Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.
*Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*
Also:
- She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
- She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
- Her dad's a fucking LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
- Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
- Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
- She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
- During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
- The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.
Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.
We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.
- Lastly, but importantly, when submitting ideas for the next thread title, please use the words ‘thread title’, as it makes it easier to search. Just using the number won’t be enough. We also can’t have swears in the title, and try to hold off until around p. 40 for your suggestions, if possible. ThankYOU.
Flumps
VIP Member
Nope. Not having it. Sorry. I've gone off and questioned my behaviour before because you've posted stuff like this. You know what it feels like, it feels like the 13 years I spent with my ex-husband when I questioned every single step I took, every single thing I did, because he would pull this deny, attack, reverse shit on me. It hollowed me out, and I spent years, fucking years, learning not to be that person any more. You take your online version of that and shove it sweetheart. You're out of order. There are so many lies in your fucking 90 posts in the last hour that even your Twitter followers are all 'Hey, what's up here?' and now you're weaseling out of it with a poor little old me routine.
I wrote a load of justifications here, but I've deleted them, because there's no need for anyone here to justify themselves. Anyone can read what's here and see what's real and what is gaslighting bullshit.
Ahem. It's possible I need to step away from the internet for 10 minutes.
jenny2603
VIP Member
Normal cookbooks will have something nice connected to a recipe "...this is something my mum used to cook for us", "this is my version of a dish we had on holiday in Tuscany a few years ago". Whereas Jack is all "this reminds me of the time I tripped over a dead dog and fell headfirst into a sharps bin before climbing out and rolling under a train. I died three times and when I came round could only greedily neck liquidised beans over a hot stove. Which blew up".
jenny2603
VIP Member
We should probably come up with some new injuries for her to fake, keep things exciting. I'm going for the following:
1. Hit by a stray tennis ball.
2. Bitten by a mad horse.
3. Trips and lands headfirst in a skip.
4. Unspecified boating incident
5. Steps on a mousetrap.
6. Flattened by a runaway trampoline.
7. Slips on a giant grape.
8. Is accidentally catapulted from a see saw
9. Punched by Judith Chalmers
10. Stubs toe on a hibernating tortoise.
Alansbigplate
VIP Member
blurstoftimes
VIP Member
If you had to be stuck in a lift with Soap Jack, Bond Jack or Tank Jack which one would you choose? I would personally choose to simply lay down and die.
Veronicaaa
VIP Member
Alansbigplate
VIP Member
If I’d managed to get my ex to move back in I’d be acting the same as Jack...but that’s cos he’s a fuckin bellend and I’d be wanting to piss him off and drive him away forever
Peeky_Mink
Well-known member
Flumps
VIP Member
Shut the absolute fuck up, you gaslighting piece of shit. Jesus fucking Christ. This is unconscionable. Stop with your DARVO bullshit. Why the fuck are you doing this? Why are you so determined to be this person? It's fucking abhorrent to lie and lie and lie and lie (about the smallest of fucking things) and then do this fucking reversal of roles bullshit. You're being called out (incredibly mildly on Twitter, less mildly on here) because YOU ARE FUCKING LYING. You aren't the victim. You are perpetrating a fucking falsehood that has actual real life effects on other people. You aren't the saviour of anyone, you aren't the poster child for anything, you are making a fool of yourself. This is just fucking embarrassing. Give it a fucking rest.
(Sorry @Silver Linings, obvs not aimed at you. Also sorry everyone else, but this is such fucking triggering shit that I can't deal with it.)
Veronicaaa
VIP Member
OH MY GOD SHE'S SO FUCKING DISINGENUOUS!! No one's saying you can't have nice things they're saying you can't claim to be feeding 2 adults and one kid on £20 a week you absolute fanny!!!
HarderFaster
VIP Member
Just trying to iron out the creases in the Jack-time continuum for my own sake, and as I’m feeling particularly schadenfreude-y this morning I’ll just remind you lovely frauen and herren, that in the 36 hours since she smugly tweeted about how unapologetically living one’s best life was the greatest way to stick it to us tragic trolls, she has done nothing but complain about incredibly minor-to-non-existent ailments, engage in futile Twitter arguments about James Bond and asparagus, and look for tank videos (?!) on YouTube.
If this is her living life to the full I’d really hate to see her at a low ebb.
If this is her living life to the full I’d really hate to see her at a low ebb.
Veronicaaa
VIP Member
Didn't squiggle get the patreon memo that the first rule of missing postcards is you do not talk about missing postcards?
tippingpoint
VIP Member
I love this thread. It’s really...smart? Does that sound wanky? Everyone is smart, really quick witted and there’s Partridge references. Favourite thread on Tattle by far.
Scarletfever
VIP Member
