Heartbreak.

[gigi_93]

I just recently got dumped by my partner who I’ve been with for 4 years. Somebody on another thread gave me the idea of starting this one to vent and let it all out, and also invite anyone else to do the same if they’re going through a breakup, or just to share stories of older breakups and heartbreak.

My story: long distance relationship, him in Florida and me here in the UK. I’ve been flying over regularly for the past 4 years, I’m close with his family and practically a step mum to his 3 children. Love of my life etc...then the pandemic hit and borders closed. I haven’t been allowed into the US since March 2020, last time I saw him was just before that. I fully believe partner exemptions should have been allowed with testing and quarantine and I wouldn’t be in this mess but that’s another rant.

We held on and held on with FaceTime etc, then we decided I’d go via a third country (Mexico) and he would pay, but my flight was cancelled, and when I went to rebook it he completely unexpectedly told me not to bother and that he was done with our relationship. It hit me like a freight train, there’d been no signs this was coming at all. In fact he told me he loved me and missed me just hours before. I tried to reason with him and then he decided to block me on everything which was another huge blow. I feel like my world has ended, I haven’t eaten or slept since. My life was there with him and he’s taken it away and I don’t know what to do.

Sorry that was so long. Please feel free to share your stories and any advice for this absolute hell I feel right now

 

[Lovethesun]

It will ladies time will heal I promise . Curveball with my story though now , after 2 months of zero contact , nothing at all over Xmas or anything , bearing in mind he ended it 3 weeks before Xmas . Just as I’m feeling “over” him in lots of ways , as in my appetite has come back & im sleeping again much better & not thinking about him 24/7 . He messaged me on Facebook , I literally felt sick , my heart raced , it’s like they have a radar & pop back up when they know you’ll be feeling ok . My theory is he did have someone else & that’s gone tits up so he wants me back . No way though as all the lovely ladies on these threads made me wonder what I saw in him in the first place as our relationship was problematic.
Maybe just try In time to look at it as a blessing & you will hopefully meet someone closer to home x

 

[Papparazzo]

Gigi I've come over from the truffalo thread.

I didn't comment on there but I am in the throws too. My engagement ended 3 weeks ago now and I am in that shit stage of not being able to sleep, dreaming every fucking night about him and just adjusting to what feels like a death. Speaking every day, seeing that person every single day to nothing, no contact, nothing, is life altering.

It's awful but time will heal I am sure.

 

[LateG0ssiper]

My husband has left our home out of the blue. I'm beside myself. I don't know what to do. I don't really have any other family. I can't go to work. I can't sleep or eat. I am terrified of losing my home. We had planned the rest of our lives together. I can't bear him not being here, not holding his hand and hugging every day. It's all I've known for years and years. I don't think I can get through this.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

It’s all well and good saying we shouldn’t be at the mercy of any man etc. and I understand the sentiment but in the first few months after the breakup of a long term relationship it’s pretty much impossible to think that way. I really wish I could. Getting “under” someone also doesn’t work, the thought of being with anyone else repulses me. Maybe one day it won’t but today, tomorrow and probably next month won’t be “one day”.

Wish I could be the boss babe who just clicks her fingers and the ex is washed from her hair, but I don’t think that person really exists.

No I appreciate that but it’s just such a bloody shame sometimes reading the posts on here, women literally waiting around for the scraps off the table from men who have dropped them in a heartbeat and who are showing no signs of giving a damn.
you are worth more than that yknow?
you said your ex has said he wants to talk to you over the weekend? How is that fair? He knows how you feel, knows you are desperate for answers from him so he decides to call the shots and he dictates when he’s going to speak to you...and leaves you in limbo for days on end agonising over what he’s going to say. It’s not fair. Fuck that. He’s got something to say? Say it. As an outsider looking in, it’s just all bullshit - he’s using the emotional hold he has over you as a form of control. I’m sorry if sometimes I come off as harsh but it just angers me that guys behave like total arsewipes and so many of us just take it.

 

[Imonlyme]

This is going to sound harsh but I don't mean it to, I'm just being honest. If a guy dumps you then blocks you, but a few days or even weeks later unblocks you but says nothing, then he's playing games with you.

If a man broke up with you then genuinely regretted it and wanted another chance, he would unblock you and send a message saying so.
Ask any guy, they will tell you that if a man wanted you and was genuine in his feelings for you then you would know about it. He would make it clear that he wanted you. Anything else is just playing games and hedging his bets.

I know going through a break up is hard, been there and done it, got the scars to prove it. But I would honestly rather be alone with my hurt than be with someone who's playing games with my feelings. Taking a guy like that back is only going to have you wondering when he's going to break your heart again.

It's true what they say, time is a healer and you do get over it. You might not forget it, but the pain does go away and you do move on.

 

[LateG0ssiper]

I started reading this thread last night and just thought I’d add my two cents in, @LateG0ssiper i notice you don’t like/react or reply to any comments regarding your situation which probably means you want to ignore what’s really happening with your husband but makes me think of my parents.
My dad walked out on my mum nearly 4 years ago with absolutely no reason or signs it was coming just packed a bag and left, didn’t say he wanted a divorce and told me and everyone else he just needed some space. He moved in with his best mate (divorced, lives alone) and completely cut all contact with my mum and told me he was depressed and needed some time alone, the whole time my mum cried to anyone she spoke to that she ‘needed him’ and ‘can’t throw 20+ years of marriage away’ and ‘mabye he’s just going through something and will come back’. 8 months down the line it came out that he had been having an affair on and off for years, no-one knew, not even my dads best mate he was living with! And the worst part of it all my mum wouldn’t accept it, it was a ‘midlife crisis’ and she would have gladly taken him back, I felt so bad for her but also found it really embarrassing she wouldn’t accept it was over. In the end she reluctantly filed for divorce (he never did, dragged his feet the whole time!) and she nearly called it off numerous times because she was so sure he would come back and it would be a ‘blip’ in the marriage. Now fast forward a few years my dad is still with the woman and my mum is on her own, finally accepts that the marriage is completely over and is doing a lot better and doing things for herself, it really was awful seeing her desperately trying to cling onto the marriage and make excuse and excuse for him and losing all her self respect and confidence.
I’m just saying don’t hold out for this happy ending that may never happen because you’ve been with him so many years, if he was to ask you for a divorce would you accept it or would you make excuses for him and try and blame it on lockdown/mental health? If you were to ask for a divorce and he was to agree would you finally accept that the marriage is over? Don't waste months waiting for him to make the first move, that’s what my mum did just because she couldn’t face reality and she wasted nearly a year hoping that it would sort itself out

My reason for not liking/responding to any posts is that my husband ended up taking his own life 3 weeks ago. I felt that I should update everyone as some of you have been so lovely and supportive - special thanks and love to @Eyerollbrainache and @gigi_93 - I hope you are doing better.

Those of you who were quick to be dismissive of the "excuses" I was making about his mental health (you know who you are but I won't name names at this point), I hope that you will take mental health issues more seriously in the future as this is the worst thing I could ever imagine anyone ever going through. I know my husband very well and knew tat something wasn't right with him, as I kept saying. If anyone ever gets that feeling about someone, please step in and try to help however possible.

I'm sure you will all understand that I won't be coming on the site again but I felt that I should thank those who supported me when he left, your words did provide some comfort at the time. My life will never be the same again but I am seeking help to get through this. I wish everyone going through heartbreak well x

 

[StrawberryCream]

I started reading this thread last night and just thought I’d add my two cents in, @LateG0ssiper i notice you don’t like/react or reply to any comments regarding your situation which probably means you want to ignore what’s really happening with your husband but makes me think of my parents.
My dad walked out on my mum nearly 4 years ago with absolutely no reason or signs it was coming just packed a bag and left, didn’t say he wanted a divorce and told me and everyone else he just needed some space. He moved in with his best mate (divorced, lives alone) and completely cut all contact with my mum and told me he was depressed and needed some time alone, the whole time my mum cried to anyone she spoke to that she ‘needed him’ and ‘can’t throw 20+ years of marriage away’ and ‘mabye he’s just going through something and will come back’. 8 months down the line it came out that he had been having an affair on and off for years, no-one knew, not even my dads best mate he was living with! And the worst part of it all my mum wouldn’t accept it, it was a ‘midlife crisis’ and she would have gladly taken him back, I felt so bad for her but also found it really embarrassing she wouldn’t accept it was over. In the end she reluctantly filed for divorce (he never did, dragged his feet the whole time!) and she nearly called it off numerous times because she was so sure he would come back and it would be a ‘blip’ in the marriage. Now fast forward a few years my dad is still with the woman and my mum is on her own, finally accepts that the marriage is completely over and is doing a lot better and doing things for herself, it really was awful seeing her desperately trying to cling onto the marriage and make excuse and excuse for him and losing all her self respect and confidence.
I’m just saying don’t hold out for this happy ending that may never happen because you’ve been with him so many years, if he was to ask you for a divorce would you accept it or would you make excuses for him and try and blame it on lockdown/mental health? If you were to ask for a divorce and he was to agree would you finally accept that the marriage is over? Don't waste months waiting for him to make the first move, that’s what my mum did just because she couldn’t face reality and she wasted nearly a year hoping that it would sort itself out

 

[TheOpposite]

Just my two cents, but every single man I know who has left a ‘committed’ relationship - out of the blue, due to depression, wanting to find himself, is unhappy but confused, it’s not you, it’s him - always has another woman. Men seem incapable of simply ending a relationship and moving on solo.

My husband’s best friend left his partner a few years ago and ‘moved to his parents to sort his head out’. I actually had respect for him, because he claimed they were unhappy and there was no sense dragging out the relationship. Meanwhile, he was telling his parents that he was staying at our house (unbeknownst to me). In reality, he was at his new girlfriend’s place. Six months later, I’m introduced to the ‘new’ girlfriend. It took me less than 30 minutes to suss out that she had been around for much longer than the ‘few weeks’ he claimed. My husband eventually admitted he knew all along but stayed quiet.

And I know of another two men who have similar stories. I personally would rather know that my partner was leaving me because he’d met someone else or I caught him having an affair over wispy washy excuses that hurt and confuse. You can draw a line in the sand and move on. But if his reasons for leaving aren’t so clear, it’s hard to see the situation so starkly. Some people just can’t stand being the ‘bad guy’ and think that if they drip feed the breakup it’s better than bluntly ending it.

 

[Feztive]

I just want to say Iv been reading this thread for the past couple of days and keeping up with it and just want to send you all a virtual hug it does get easier just take it one day at a time and do what you got to do for yourselfs. My ex left me about 7 years ago and at the time I thought my world had ended, he left one day to go work and I didn’t have a clue that was the last time I’d see him he rang me later to tell me he was going to be staying at his mums from now on, I was broken like a few had said I had no idea and was out the blue he even gave me a kiss before he left that morning. He blocked me on everything and I made a fool of myself trying to get in contact with him, he blocked my number but if you ring with 141 in front it does ring thru so used to leave him voice mails begging him to come back. I spend weeks crying over him not living just going thru the motions of the day then when I was home I’d lock the door and cry all night then one day I just stopped and thought fuck you im worth more then this and as soon as my mindset changed I became happy again and enjoying myself he came running back unblocking me on WhatsApp sending me msgs but I was done. It hurt like hell but ya know what it was all worth it Iv met my new partner we’ve just had our baby and I feel really happy and content and I’d go thru it all again because what Iv got now was well worth it. Keep going ladies my friend told me this one day and she was right : everything will be alright in the end, if it’s not alright then it’s not the end.

 

[HarJR289]

Hellooooo

I’ve just popped over from Truffs thread too

4 weeks out of a 4 year relationship for me. Came out of nowhere. He was supposed to be moving in with me the day he decided he wasn’t happy and I came home from work to the bits he had at my house gone. Not heard from him since. 4 years ended like that. I feel sad all the time, can’t sleep well, feel like I’ll never be happy again. Trying to do what I can to keep my mind busy. I really miss him, but for him to end it how he has I feel like I don’t know who he was anyway. If he didn’t want to move in all he had to do was say we could’ve had a mutual, respectful ending, didn’t have to lie and lead me on and let me down the apparent day he was moving in.

 

[Lovegin]

I hate the fact that this thread was started for support and now it’s ending up with women piling onto another woman because she doesn’t fit in with how others would deal with things, all you are doing is helping isolate someone who maybe needs some place to vent,

I don’t care if he’s had an affair or whatever, it’s her marriage , if she wants him back that’s her business not anybody else’s

 

[Doitforthegramhun]

My heartbreak was about 11 years ago but I remember it like it was yesterday! I was very young my first love infact we had been together about 3 or 4 years he got a new job and all of a sudden it was like I didnt exist, not answering my calls hardly seeing me and when he did it was half arsed this was going on for a good few weeks, I was celebrating a big birthday and I heard nothing at all from him on the day untill about 7:30 he started calling me, I shit you not I ran to the phone in excitement only to be met with the sounds of him having sex with someone else. I was devastated, he had no idea she had called me on purpose so I would hear that, after that i cut all contact and never spoke or seen him again it was like my whole world had ended. Everywhere I went I was in fear I would bump into him, turned out they ended up getting together and staying together for a good few years untill she cheated on him with a co worker oh the karma.

Every single thing in our lives happen for a reason we dont know why at the time but trust what your journey is meant to be as much as it hurts now, had I stayed with that person I would never have my beautiful children or married to my now husband. You will move on you will be happy again I promise, for now cry your heart out as much as you can but dont ever cry over him again once your done that's the best advice I ever got. Xx

 

[Lovethesun]

I also think men run away from their problems , so he finds it easier to block you & not face up to what’s happening . Rather than explain himself & open up . Men are cowards

 

[Imonlyme]

Yes I'm waiting around but I have nothing else to do. I'm not going anywhere. I want to stay in this house if I can, I love it here. If he decides in 6 months time that he wants to come back I'd let him. I'm certainly not going to be looking for another relationship after being with him for so long. It's not a matter of moving on for me, it's a case of learning to cope with my new life for the time being. I can't move on just like that after 13 years when I know that the person I love isn't well. I know that everyone will tell me I need to move on but it's only been 6/7 weeks since I've had the biggest shock of my life and I'm still processing it.

You do have something else to do. You have your life to live. Maybe there is a way you could stay in your house. But personally I think you're clinging onto a life that's no longer available to you, but you're completely unwilling to let go even though he has.

You say that in 6 months time if he decides, that you'll let him come back. You've given entire control of both your life, your mind and your emotions to a man that left you so callously. In 6 months time you might be different and so angry at the way he's treated you that you won't take him back. Waiting around and actively putting your life on hold for that long is only going to make you more vulnerable and willing to accept whatever selfish morsel he gives you, and that will only end in disaster.

No-one said anything about you getting into another relationship. That isn't what moving on means. I would never tell anyone to just hop into another relationship after being hurt the way you have. By moving on I mean finding out who you are, and what makes you tick. Your life doesn't have to and shouldn't revolve around a man. I don't care if you're married or not. Your happiness and stability should not rest on the shoulders of another person. If you can't be happy and content on your own then no relationship you enter into will ever work.

It's not that your husband isn't well, it's that something in life has changed for him and now he's decided he wants something different and you have to accept that. But while I say that, being married isn't an excuse to put up with bad or selfish behaviour. It doesn't permit your partner to treat you so cold and cruelly just because you have been together so long. By all means, people should work on their relationships and not just leave at the slightest blip, because relationships are work and they take effort, but effort on both parts. It shouldn't be on one person to make it work and fix everything, and if it is, then it's toxic and clearly one person has checked out.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but it's true. You may still be processing all that happened and that's fine. But you should still be trying to accept that he's left. Otherwise, you're doing yourself no favours. Cry, be angry, get frustrated but also look back over your relationship. Take off the rose tinted heartbroken glasses and really look. It wasn't all that perfect, something clearly wasn't working. There would have been signs dotted all through your entire time together, even small signs you could easily have missed. No one leaves a perfect relationship. No one leaves if they're happy. Even going through a breakdown, if you still love your partner you would stay and be thankful for their support.

You just sound like you are hellbent on having him come back no matter what the cost to your own emotions and well being. Even if he does somehow come back, it will never be the same and deep down you know that. You're just not ready to admit it yet.

 

[Spacemonkey1972]

I’m sending love to all of you on this thread. Breaking up is soul destroying At the minute you’ll see no light but there is
I was married for 18yrs. I was just under my 17th bday (Scotland. Legal). He was 24 and in the RAF. 18 months later first kid, then another and another. I had 3 kids under 5, I was 22. And we were so blissfully happy. Then things started changing. He cheated. I forgave him. He cheated again. And like a mug I forgave him again. Things started to change for me when I got a good job with responsibility. He cheated again. By this point I was ‘meh’ whatever. The girls adored him though so I tried. He was nasty towards me all the time. Then he took another woman to a restaurant on Valentine’s Day in 2006. For me that was the final straw. I threw him out. Obv I had to keep seeing him as we had teenage kids, and yes we slept together a few times after. Stupid stupid me. We divorced in 08 and he remarried quite soon after. That hurt me. But I stayed single. I had to spend time as ME. To know ME again. I did a degree. Had a fling with a toy boy. Had fun as myself. And in 2012 I met my now fiancé. He’s my absolute world. My grown up daughters love him, but they still love their dad too. He has alienated them to a degree sadly tho
Those couple of years after the split were awful. I cried. A lot. I panicked. I was sick. I drank a lot. But after I learned to love myself it was ok. Sounds cliched as hell but true
Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. I hope you’re all ok. And don’t drink and text lol

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Yes I do appreciate that if that's how the post was supposed to be, it was just how it was said. I'm not an infatuated teenager, it's not a case of being able to suddenly move on with my life, there is a lot more to it. For instance, I still don't know if I'll have somewhere to live in a few months time.

I don’t think anyone was implying your were an infatuated teenager?

lots of us as adults have had relationships breakdowns and have had the burden of sorting out the practicalities that come with that such as finances/kids/property etc - with the upmost respect, you are not the only person to ever go through this.

its shit. It really is. And it hurts and it’s a scary, unsettling thing to go through but you have to get that fire in your belly and start focusing on you - not him. There’s too many great women - here and generally speaking - just putting all the power & control in the hands of men who have done them wrong/walked out/bailed - stop. Be selfish; look after yourself and start moving forward for you. You can’t go on allowing yourself to be at the mercy of any man - husband/boyfriend/live in lover - whoever.

(I am trying to be kind here before I get absolutely jumped on for this comment!!!)

 

[Whaaaaat]

Do you have his email address? You could contact him on that.

If he doesn't reply, fuck him.

No - absolutely do not do that. By blocking you he has made it clear he doesn’t want to talk to you.

From my last heartbreak I learned that the still asking about each other’s lives just prolongs it. Cut them out, focus on yourself and keep your pride.

In a few years when you look back you’ll feel a lot better knowing you handled it like a boss, I promise you.

 

[Shinythings]

I was with my ex for 7 years from the age of 20. House, car, holidays, the whole thing. Thought we'd get married and have kids. Was really happy, rarely argued. Seemed a little off for a few weeks but blamed it on being busy at work which made sense for time of the year and industry he worked, but then he seemed himself again. Then one day out of the blue he just told me he was done. He didn't think our relationship was going anywhere and he didn't want to be with me anymore although he loved me. He had spoken about us starting a family and how it would work alongside our careers etc literally a few days before. Told me he was really excited to start a family.

So obviously I was completely blindsided. Heartbroken. Couldn't make sense of it all. No one saw it coming, his family and friends could not believe it. In fact I was the one that had to tell people because weeks had gone by and he hadn't told anyone. I thought he might have been having a breakdown, searched for any excuse as to why. Though in a couple of weeks he'd change his mind.

But no, he completely cut me off. Gave me 3 days to pack my things and leave, blocked my number, social media. I thought I'd done something for him to be so cold. I packed and I left, obviously there were a few lingering bits that needed to be sorted for a few weeks after.

About a month later I realised I'd left my passport in his cabinet so I organised through his parents to pop and get it and they let me in. There on top of his cabinet was a valentine's day card from his work colleague. The message in it, because obviously I looked, suggested something had been going on for a while. So that gave me some closure. He bare faced looked me in the eye and told me there was no one else. Liar.

So I think in hindsight, he met her at work, decided he wanted to jump ship, kept me strung along until he knew for certain it was a sure thing with her and then dropped me like the last 7 years meant fuck all. I've never seen or spoken to him since but through mutual friends I've heard he moved her in a few weeks after I left, became step-dad to her daughter, got engaged and had a kid together within the year. Still together as far as I know. So to say that left me with trust issues is an understatement. For a long I tried to understand why or how he could just drop me like that or why I wasn't good enough. They are answers you'll never know.

Fast forward several years and now I've been with my current partner 5 years and we're getting married in a couple of years. Life goes on. You move through it and you find happiness. I never thought I would at the time. I thought I'd never get over it. Granted its left me unable to trust anyone completely and I'm always waiting for it to happen again. The only thing I miss is having the money. He was incredibly successful and were very financially comfortable. But at least now everything I have is mine.

Funnily enough I've seen the same scenario play out with many people and there is ALWAYS someone else. Call it sexist, but i truly believe men do not leave long term relationships unless they have someone else ready to go. I'm yet to be proved wrong although there will be exceptions.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I know you're trying to be helpful, but honestly you're coming across very blunt. She's already said she's waiting and struggling, asking a time line won't help. It's great if this is how you moved on, but that's not for everyone.

Same for not changing religion/husband leaving etc everyone on here is doing the best they can for now, and at different stages. Life is hard right now, we can't see people like we used to do, or shop for new clothes or go out to eat. Typical normal breakup things. I never would have said I would handle the past year as I have, but when it came to it, I did my best. That's all anyone can do on here. Xx

Sorry if that’s how it comes across but im
Not going to just pretend that it’s perfectly ok for men to just walk out of long term relationships, fanny around doing whatever they fancy, treat women like dog crap, string women along and just generally act like absolute arseholes while the women sit back telling each other that “it’s all
Going to be ok/he will come back/I’m sure he loves you” etc etc etc - ive seen too many good women absolutely destroyed by men who clearly do not give a shit! Stop putting the power into the hands of men - men who show by their actions that they don’t care!!

Regarding the asshat who is using his religion to string someone along..... no. That’s madness “oh I love you but we can NEVER be together because of “god” yknow so...... but I love you..... and I will continue to play with your emotions forever more and never allow you to move on and be happy BECAUSE I LOVE YOU” - nah mate. That’s called gaslighting & coercive control - and it’s bullshit.