Heartbreak.

[Very traditional]

@BettyCrocker everything you have said in this thread is so true.

I know it's hard to hear but I've been there and I wish I had someone being honest with me like you have been. As much as I wanted everyone to tell everything was going to be ok that simply wasn't true and made it much harder in the long run.

If a man can leave you after a long term relationship and cut all contact and demand that you not contact them for the sake of their mental health with no thought for your own mental health then he just doesn't care.

Please ladies try and be strong and start living life a bit. Pick a hobby or keep yourself busy, learn something new or do something to give your life some purpose. You'll feel better for it I promise. And if your men sort themselves out and do want to give it a go you'll be in a better place to make the relationship work. And if they don't then you'll have achieved something for you and will be a step closer to healing.

xxx

 

[Lovethesun]

Its literally the worst time to go through a breakup. Even worse is he can do whatever he likes as Florida has no restrictions. For two weeks I’ve watched him go about his life on social media like nothing has happened and I don’t exist! :/ Did you get given a reason by him for doing it to you?

also has anyone got any tips to stop yourself stalking the shit out of their social media?? He may have blocked me but I can still see from a browser. I feel unhinged

Block them , this is what I did . The thought of a picture of him popping up with a new girl made me feel physically sick . I also made a new Facebook as I had so many of his family on my old account I just wanted to start a fresh . It’s my new Facebook which I hardly went on that he messaged me on . But just block to stop yourself looking , you’ll only hurt yourself checking on him . I blocked his Instagram & Facebook & deleted his phone number immediately so I wasn’t tempted to message him . My kind of way of coping is deleting everything , pictures the lot to kind of pretend they don’t exist or the memory doesn’t exist . But I get this doesn’t work for everyone . I absolutely hated my ex once he’d left so I didn’t want to cry over pictures anyway

 

[gigi_93]

My reason for not liking/responding to any posts is that my husband ended up taking his own life 3 weeks ago. I felt that I should update everyone as some of you have been so lovely and supportive - special thanks and love to @Eyerollbrainache and @gigi_93 - I hope you are doing better.

Those of you who were quick to be dismissive of the "excuses" I was making about his mental health (you know who you are but I won't name names at this point), I hope that you will take mental health issues more seriously in the future as this is the worst thing I could ever imagine anyone ever going through. I know my husband very well and knew tat something wasn't right with him, as I kept saying. If anyone ever gets that feeling about someone, please step in and try to help however possible.

I'm sure you will all understand that I won't be coming on the site again but I felt that I should thank those who supported me when he left, your words did provide some comfort at the time. My life will never be the same again but I am seeking help to get through this. I wish everyone going through heartbreak well x

I don’t know if you’ll read this and I’ve tried to DM you but it won’t let me. I’m so incredibly shocked and sorry to hear this. I stopped coming in the thread because some of the things people were saying were just too hard to hear, and I feel awful for not checking in. Despite what some other people have said, you’ve come across as a strong person in this thread and I hope you can get through this. If you can DM me please feel free. You don’t have to go through it alone, even if you just feel like venting on here. I will check in and listen.

 

[Letsgooutside]

I saw your posts catching up with THM threads. I was with my childhood sweetheart for 11 years and we were engaged. We were about to book our wedding and he suddenly got cold feet, started acting weird, and was acting out of character. Whenever I spoke to him about it he gaslit me. Eventually he admitted he was struggling mentally and needed a break. I asked repeatedly if there was someone else and he assured me there wasn’t. He even told me he was insulted and hurt that I would think such a thing.


Anyway he moved into his mums spare room and asked me not to contact him for a few weeks. It was torture. I hadn’t gone digging I’d never have found out he was shagging an 18 year old from work. He wanted a break with me to see if things worked out with her. Keeping his options open!!

The loss of the relationship and the betrayal absolutely floored me. I couldn’t eat or sleep and I had suicidal thoughts. What’s worse is he couldn’t bring himself to explain or apologise properly. He refused to engage with me. He just said it was over and blocked me on everything.

Someone said before it’s compatible to someone dying and that is true. I grieved for that relationship and what made it worse was the lack of closure.
It sounds like there could be stuff your ex isn’t telling you and of course it’s easier for him to hide stuff the other side of the world. Either way he has been cruel and heartless and he’s denied you any form of closure.

It’s a cliche but the pain does go away and you will find happiness. I’m married now with a gorgeous little family. I realised after meeting my husband that my ex was not the right person for me and we had nothing in common and no chemistry.

It’s 10000% his loss and if he is a shithead and a coward xxx

 

[under the ivy]

Turns out he had met someone else and got in a relationship with them straight away so I'm 99% sure he was cheating but he's now got a beer gut and is balding and I'm 8st lighter with an incredibly decent guy by my side so it's funny how the world works out

I laughed at this about the beer gut and balding I met up with my ex in Summer (when beer gardens opened to 'talk' - we did but didn't get anywhere!) and he looked so different! Maybe my rose tinted glasses had come off but he hadn't shaved and had gained weight. I don't like to mock anyone but I'd been working out, looking toned and just had my hair done. I looked a solid 8

 

[Lovethesun]

Been with ny partner 8 years he is muslim im not, i said i would try. About to sign tenancy agreement and hes left me. Absolutely heartbroken

I genuinely think this lockdown has messed with men’s heads a lot more than women’s . Women handle emotion so much better . Men just shut off & keep it in . That’s why unfortunately suicide is so much more common in men . If only they opened up more .
Hoping all the ladies on here are doing well . I think back to how I was when I started this thread that constant knot in my stomach & anxiety , no appetite . Keep strong it really does get better . And I’m looking forward to lockdown restrictions being lifted by summer & by then I’ll be ready to go out with friends & hopefully meet my mr right when the times right . Lots of love to anyone not feeling better yet . Every day is a step closer .

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Tbh, i love how blunt you are.

I honestly wish i had someone like you when i was going through my heartbreak.
At the time i wouldnt have liked it as i was too wrapped up in heartbreak and hoping, but everything you have said is spot on.

Yeah see id be saying the exact same things to any of my female friends in these situations- the only difference is I’d be saying it over a few bottles of wine!!!!! I know it’s not what people want to hear - I fully get that but sometimes it’s what people need to hear to give them that jolt of reality.

 

[Columbo]

I hate the fact that this thread was started for support and now it’s ending up with women piling onto another woman because she doesn’t fit in with how others would deal with things, all you are doing is helping isolate someone who maybe needs some place to vent,

I don’t care if he’s had an affair or whatever, it’s her marriage , if she wants him back that’s her business not anybody else’s

Couldn't agree more. People are posting here for support not to be humiliated and belittled all over again. I do think everyone's intentions are good but there's a way of making your point and still being sensitive to a person's situation. You'd have to be a very strong person to close the door on a marriage and never look back no matter what the other person has done wrong. It's not as easy as that.

 

[Ggdownundah]

I’ve been a lurker on many threads for a while now but never felt the need to post until I came across this. Most likely I will regret this but here goes...
I broke up with my ex of 6 years around 4 years ago. I was the one to end it and I got with someone new (admittedly) far too soon and although I’m still with said person, in my mind I’ve always compared the two even though I know it’s terrible of me to do so as they are both completely different men/relationships. I often think about my ex and have the urge to get in to touch (I haven’t). I recently found out he has moved on and it’s cut me deep to my core. Why? I have no idea. Perhaps deep down I always thought we’d end up back together, somehow? Or maybe I’m just bitter he has someone new. Weirdly when we broke up it didn’t bother me at all, I didn’t miss him, got annoyed when he tried to contact me etc. And yet now I’m utterly broken. Can’t eat, can’t sleep and when I do sleep I dream of him. It almost feels like these past few years have been one big blur and I’ve suddenly opened my eyes to what I done by ending things and getting with someone new too soon.
Don’t get me wrong we had our ups and downs when we were together but all I seem to think of is the good times we had. My current partner is lovely and I feel awful for even thinking this inside my head, let alone typing it out on the internet for all to see but I felt like I needed to get it off my chest.



I hope everyone with a broken heart will be on the mend soon

 

[LateG0ssiper]

We are posting on here for support. Some of us are really struggling. I don't think it's fair to be arguing. Can we please keep this as a respectful space?

 

[Littleelf]

My ex absolutely crushed me when he broke up with me out of the blue after 2 years together. We were very young but I'd stood by him on his entering the RAF and being away alot and I had literally based my whole life around us moving away to wherever he would be based and me getting a job there. One night he just broke up with me and wouldn't give me a reason, I was completley hysterical. Stopped eating, sleeping, going to college or work.

A week later at college I saw him through a door kiss another girl. I went straight home and never went back to college again expect to do my exams. I was crushed absolutely destroyed, but still completley in love with him. I thought (stupidly, i was so young) that my whole life was over without him I was nothing at all.

Over the next few months we saw each other here a there in the pub ect slept together a few times. He used to ring me from his base and we'd talk for hours in the middle of the night. ended up getting back together. Then one night he went out to a party and told me I hadn't been invited and turned his phone off all night. I broke up with him the next day but even though it was me that broke up I was so upset. A few days later he wanted to meet to get a coat he'd left at my house and he turned up with another girl. I thought my heart was going to explode it was devastating.

It was a long time ago but to think about it now I still have knots in my belly. I don't think I've ever gotten over how that felt to just be smashed into a million pieces like that by someone that I thought was the love of my life. I've moved on have a lovely man a baby a house everything I've ever wanted, but ill never forget how that felt.

It does get better, learn lessons from it and move on xxx

He also added me on instagram and year or so ago, he's married with a kid. He still messaged me asking me how I was ect, he's allways liked to keep himself at the forefront of my mind.

I blocked him

 

[Platformcrocs]

Just be very careful. He may be making sure that you are still pining for him to boost his ego. My ex did that to me.

Same here. @gigi_93 take a look at this post when you've got time, it really put things into perspective for me
Edit: didn't realise the whole thing would embed here haha. The post is so long!

 

[CosmicCreepers]

I truly believe a break up is comparable to someone dying, as that person disappears from your life, in fact in your case I would say it is even worse as there is no closure and you can see him carry on his life. So its almost like the him you knew has died and a new one has lived on?

I think this a way of him running away from his own issues as others have said, just remember you did nothing wrong and you deserve to find true and lasting love. I know it's so cliche but life does get better and I'm sure he will regret his decision as time goes on. When that happens, he may try to get back into contact. But just think, does someone who really loves someone do anything to hurt them on purpose? Of course not!

My close friend is in such a bad relationship, her partner is not caring or loving at all and she keeps saying "its lockdown". At first I believed it but then he had his friends over to his house, so was totally okay with breaking lockdown, which begs the question, if he loved her why wouldn't he have her over if he is totally okay with his friends being over? One day she will realise, and I know it's going to be very hard for her when she realises.

You will be okay, I promise

 

[LittleMy]

The best thing you can do right now is focus on yourself. Do things that make you feel good and busy yourself enough to take your mind off him. It’s okay to think over things and to feel the way that you do, to let it all out, but then pick yourself back up again and don’t dwell there.

I met my ex when I was 17 at a mutual friend’s party. I had recently ended my first ever relationship after finding out I was being used and the guy (three years older) had been sleeping around with other girls behind my back. There was a lot of drama surrounding it including a pregnancy scare, and I was left feeling very depressed and just a shadow of myself. The only reason I went to this party was because my friends ambushed me and dragged me along. Also, the girl who’s party it was had also been dumped that very day so I felt I had to go along for moral support. In hindsight, I probably should’ve avoided this new guy, but we hit it off and he was a lot of fun. He was in a band, I’d go to gigs to watch him play. We would get blind drunk together and I forgot everything.

We were together on and off for 7 years before we finally split for good. Although I knew in my mind that we weren’t meant to be together, it was the hardest time of my life and I agonised over it so much. I loved him, and he claimed to love me, but we agreed that we both wanted different things. He loved being “one of the guys” and wanted to party and drink and jam all night every night, while I was ready to settle down and start a family. The fact that it wouldn’t be with him was devastating. When he moved out I became severely depressed to the point where I screamed in my mum’s face that I wanted to die. I felt like I was going mad and it took me all my time to drag myself out of bed. I’d lie there thinking about ways to do it.

And then a few months later, this guy who swore he loved me and had begged me not to put it on Facebook if I ever met someone new because he’d be devastated,had found a new girlfriend and was posting pictures of them together, rubbing salt in my wounds. I was devastated. I blocked him immediately although we had agreed to stay friends after we split because we were so close. I felt like such a stupid fool.

That, I believe, was the turning point for me. I started focusing inwardly and deleting him helped that. I lost weight, became more energetic and positive, went out with friends more and took on new hobbies. He was still in the back of my mind but I didn’t dwell on it like before because I was busy being happy. It was a year before I met someone else through online dating. Being with him showed me how a relationship should be, and we wanted a lot of the same things. We’ve been together 7 years now, married for 2, and have two beautiful sons. If I had to go through all of the pain of the past again to have what we have now, I wouldn’t hesitate.

 

[LaurieLaurie]

The best thing I ever did was to learn to say “Ok... Your choice” and instantly remove myself from the situation. You could drive yourself crazy analysing and looking for reasons and answers.

Often after a break up you realise a lot wasn’t as good as thought.

 

[Platformcrocs]

A few things I learned after my last breakup:

If it's not an enthusiastic yes, it's a no.
If they wanted to get in touch or work on the relationship, they would. See the previous point!
If you do get back together, they will do this again. The trust is gone.
No amount of tears or pleading will bring them back. Believe me, I tried. I'm angry at myself for doing that and wish I cut him out and moved on. I know that's easier said than done.

You can have a fulfilling life without them. There's a lot of things from my "old" life I don't have anymore, but that's ok because my life is different now. I really had to put the work into myself and figure out who I was, what I liked, adjust to living alone, therapy, etc, whereas he just fell into a new relationship - I actually feel bad for him because I know he doesn't really have any friendships and he thinks he can throw money at stuff instead. I had to get used to being alone and had no other choice. You're all a lot stronger than you think you are, even if it doesn't feel like it right now

 

[Imonlyme]

But no one is saying its OK. No one is pretending its fine. No one said let him treat you like crap. You can say 'not my intention' but you're pushing your strong feelings about how someone else should move on.

If you can't be empathic and just listen, then maybe leave the thread because sometimes when shit things happen to people, they just want to feel shit for a while and moan about feeling shit.

No one has said they will place their lives on hold or put these men on pedestals. However, it's not helpful saying 'well when will you move on' because when you are truly in the thick of the shit and sad you can't imagine that day happening.

It's fine to not have a plan when your heart broken, especially just 6 weeks in. It's fine to worry about someone else mental health. It's ok to not be ok sometimes.

And as for the religious part; that really sucks. It's hard and heartbreaking but making out that's he's some narcissist who's manipulating the situation doesn't help. It's just a shit situation and two people who love each other are sad right now. Again, very fresh and they are expressing that they love each other and it hurts still. He won't change his religion, and she won't but that doesn't mean they can't be fucking sad. It's not always a game or 'stringing someone along'. This thread is a place to talk about your sadness and heartbreak. Not dictate how people should move on and act like 'I am woman, hear me roar'. Maybe a few more months down the line, out of a lockdown it would be helpful but for now, that's not the reality of the fresh heartbreak on this thread.

I get what you're saying, but I also get the point of the other poster. I honestly don't think she is trying to be harsh, but some people just are blunt, it's who they are.

Heartbreak is awful, crushing and can leave you in a tailspin for quite some time. There's no timeline or manual for how long it takes to get over it, or even how to get over it smoothly. But all we are trying to say is while you're crying and feeling all of your emotions at once, remember to look out for yourself and don't place your happiness in the hands of someone else.

It's absolutely fine to want that person back and it's perfectly normal to miss them. But while doing so, also consider if the relationship really was working. If you truly were happy or will be again if you get back together.

Lockdown would be hard on any couple, and the previous poster who managed to salvage her relationship is an exception, not the rule. Her boyfriend broke up with her because he was overwhelmed with many things including Lockdown, but as soon as he realised what he had done, he contacted her and made it clear from the get go that he wanted her back. There were no games or head fucks going on. For a lot of the posters on this thread going through a breakup, there have been many mind games and emotional manipulations going in and that's not right and shouldn't be accepted no matter what you're going through. But if your relationship can't make it through Lockdown then maybe it wasn't meant to be anyway. Maybe Lockdown showed what the relationship actually
was and it wouldn't have worked anyway, in which case you had a lucky escape.

Toxic relationships, including the one with ourselves should never be tolerated because the damage they can do can be so devastating and extremely hard to come back from. I'm 100 percent saying this from experience. No woman should waste her life waiting and endlessly hoping for a scrap of love from a man who doesn't care.

Like I've said before, be sad, cry all your tears, get mad, but behind all of that, make sure you keep your wits about you and don't get taken for a ride.

 

[Eyerollbrainache]

So, a long story short - in the first lockdown I was left heartbroken too. We had a messy relationship in hindsight. He wasn't long out of another one when we starting hooking up, and we'd known each other for a few years before. We had the most passionate relationship I've ever had. I fell pregnant and had an abortion in February as it wasn't an option for us to have a baby. Then a few week later, he just text me it was over. I was devastated. I was living alone and it was the first few weeks of lockdown. We'd had lockdown dates on zoom etc talked every day, so this came as a huge blow. We'd been seeing each other a year at this point, he talked about marriage etc, met families. I have never felt pain like that heartbreak. I cried to the point of pain, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. When I did (still now) he haunts my dreams. I re read messages, listened to voice notes ect. I had the worst anxiety over it, it was hell. Then 6 weeks later, when the pain was starting to be less fresh, he gets in contact. Ultimately we gave it another go but it wasn't the same. I didn't trust him. He destroyed me by dumping me through text after a year and then ghosting me. Eventually it happened again about 3 months later..... Then again...... And stupidly, I took him back a third time. In late last year he ended it again. Everytime as cold as the previous. Except, this time it didn't cut as deep, or hurt as bad. I have spent most of the past year alone in lockdown dealing with heartbreak and its been shit. I just wanted to see my friends or get drunk with them like you're supposed to after a break up!

However, nearly a year after the first time he broke me - it is easier. I still can't sleep and I'm lucky if I get more than 4 hours. I still think about him a lot and he still occupies my brain unfortunately. But I'm not in that state of panic and anxiety anymore, and I do truly think if lockdown was over and we could do anything except sit at home - it would stop.

I have absolutely no advice except the self care stuff and keep busy. I really hope you get through this stage quickly and move on to the next stage. The initial greif is a horrible and painful stage, but it does stop. Sending love to you all. X

 

[hello479]

I think it’s just really hard to accept as part of the process that maybe our partners weren’t the people we thought they were. Yes I recognise my marriage wasn’t perfect but we had been together a long time and I’ve always thought a marriage will take work and you’ll never sit back and think it’s perfect, but I think I’m mostly sad about this being reality and thinking what could’ve been. Half the day I spend crying about missing him and wishing this was all a bad dream, and then the other half I’m angry and thinking I’m a strong independent woman who doesn’t need a man for now!

 

[gigi_93]

how are you doing @gigi_93 ?

did you chat to him over the weekend?
sending lots of love to everyone x

Yeah we talked on the phone yesterday. For 4 hours! He was quite upfront and honest and didn’t give me any bullshit about wanting to be friends which I’m glad about. He mostly explained his mental state and why he felt like he had to end it. I had no idea things were so bad for him, although he seems a little better now. He’s having therapy provided by his job. He also told me he still loves me, there has never been anyone else and he wants me in his life, but both of us are equally unsure what to do since the world is still a mess and I still cannot simply just go there.

I didn’t want to just jump back in and get back together in one phone call, so we aren’t back together or anything. We just sort of agreed to keep talking until he’s finished all his exams and see where we are then. I’m happy to finally know what was going on in his head at least. I wish it was as simple as just giving it another go but with how everything still is, it just isn’t. And that makes me so sad. Mixed emotions :/

Thanks to anyone who has followed along with my little saga. I hope everyone is doing ok