Heartbreak.

[gigi_93]

Same here. @gigi_93 take a look at this post when you've got time, it really put things into perspective for me
Edit: didn't realise the whole thing would embed here haha. The post is so long!

Thank you for sharing the post, I’m going to read it now

Not kept up with this thread but hope everyone is managing to feel the best they can

When I met up with my ex in September it felt like a waste of time. I didn’t get any closure and it felt like a showing off exercise for my ex. I haven’t spoken to him since December (he text me happy Christmas I just text back the same to be civil). Since then he’s text me, emailed me, sent me a birthday card and I’ve blocked him everywhere. Just be cautious if you do talk to your ex, don’t let them back in after any progress you’ve made.

I saw this post on my Instagram earlier and it helped me:

I’ve made zero progress! If I’d made any at all I doubt I’d even be entertaining him :/ I’m just far too curious about what he has to say to me. At least there’s no chance of us meeting up I suppose

In a way I do but also not. I think he's doing his best to try and forget about me and move on when all I'm doing is waiting for him to see sense and come home. I just can't accept that this is it after so long. I think about contacting him all the time but I don't know if it will make things worse.

It’s so hard to know what to do for the best. It seems like you are making progress even in small ways, so maybe it’s a good idea to carry on the no contact thing rather than putting yourself back at the start again

(As I’ve said before I don’t feel qualified to give advice given my own situation!)

 

[LateG0ssiper]

Thank you for sharing the post, I’m going to read it now



I’ve made zero progress! If I’d made any at all I doubt I’d even be entertaining him :/ I’m just far too curious about what he has to say to me. At least there’s no chance of us meeting up I suppose



It’s so hard to know what to do for the best. It seems like you are making progress even in small ways, so maybe it’s a good idea to carry on the no contact thing rather than putting yourself back at the start again

(As I’ve said before I don’t feel qualified to give advice given my own situation!)

I just don't know what to do, I'm still finding it really difficult to take everything in. This will sound ridiculous but it still feels like a bad dream, every time I wake up I look over and it's a shock that he's not there. I don't know how long I can go on not talking to him. I was thinking about writing to him but I don't know if that's a bad idea. I know I can't change his mind if he's still adamant that this is what he wants but I feel like I haven't had the chance to properly respond to him as it was such a shock when he said he was going.

 

[ProphecyGirl]

I just think, it's not the end of the world. Does it feel like it? Yes. Will you get over it? Also yes.

I was with my ex for 8 years from the age of 17 and we split when I was 25, so I'd gone through my teenage years and early 20's tied up in a relationship, which I wanted to last forever. I put him on a pedestal even though he was horrible in so many ways.
I went on a night out and came home to an empty house, he just packed up and left. Turns out he was pratting a girl from work and god knows how many other times he cheated (he once lost his keys on a night out and took him until 8am to find said keys... funny)

I thought my life was over, I didn't think I'd get over it. I didn't eat, sleep, do anything. Every night after work I just slept in my dark, cold living room, eating super noodles just to eat something. I drank, used other substances (which I was always so strongly against and judgmental about) I lost sooo much weight. Eventually, after time I got over it.

I think the saying is "get over someone else by getting under someone else" is somewhat true. But I think you need to find yourself and enjoy your life after heartache.

 

[LateG0ssiper]

I just think, it's not the end of the world. Does it feel like it? Yes. Will you get over it? Also yes.

I was with my ex for 8 years from the age of 17 and we split when I was 25, so I'd gone through my teenage years and early 20's tied up in a relationship, which I wanted to last forever. I put him on a pedestal even though he was horrible in so many ways.
I went on a night out and came home to an empty house, he just packed up and left. Turns out he was pratting a girl from work and god knows how many other times he cheated (he once lost his keys on a night out and took him until 8am to find said keys... funny)

I thought my life was over, I didn't think I'd get over it. I didn't eat, sleep, do anything. Every night after work I just slept in my dark, cold living room, eating super noodles just to eat something. I drank, used other substances (which I was always so strongly against and judgmental about) I lost sooo much weight. Eventually, after time I got over it.

I think the saying is "get over someone else by getting under someone else" is somewhat true. But I think you need to find yourself and enjoy your life after heartache.

If this is aimed at me then I think that last part is very insensitive and extremely flippant. I'm married. My husband has had some sort of mental health breakdown. It's a 13 year relationship and we're adults, not teenagers. We own a home together that we were renovating. It's not a case of moving on and sleeping around.

 

[Bellaboo83]

I think people are just trying to say something that helps, not purposely being flippant. Everyone's situation is different. You've posted on a public 'advice' thread so people will reply with their thoughts. Really appreciate what you're going through but I thought the general advice above was meant kind in nature

 

[LateG0ssiper]

I think people are just trying to say something that helps, not purposely being flippant. Everyone's situation is different. You've posted on a public 'advice' thread so people will reply with their thoughts. Really appreciate what you're going through but I thought the general advice above was meant kind in nature

I know that I've posted about this publicly and I do appreciate that people are trying to help but I just found that particular comment to be a bit insensitive as I said, even if it wasn't intended to be that way.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I know that I've posted about this publicly and I do appreciate that people are trying to help but I just found that particular comment to be a bit insensitive as I said, even if it wasn't intended to be that way.

I think it was meant for as way of saying that after a break up you do at some stage start to move on with your life, and that your own happiness as an individual should be your focus rather than torturing yourself every day over what has ended. I don’t think there was any malice intended in the post.

 

[ProphecyGirl]

If this is aimed at me then I think that last part is very insensitive and extremely flippant. I'm married. My husband has had some sort of mental health breakdown. It's a 13 year relationship and we're adults, not teenagers. We own a home together that we were renovating. It's not a case of moving on and sleeping around.

This wasn't aimed at anyone, I have not read your post. It was a general statement of my personal experience. I also didn't say anything about sleeping around. I am also an adult.

 

[LateG0ssiper]

I think it was meant for as way of saying that after a break up you do at some stage start to move on with your life, and that your own happiness as an individual should be your focus rather than torturing yourself every day over what has ended. I don’t think there was any malice intended in the post.

Yes I do appreciate that if that's how the post was supposed to be, it was just how it was said. I'm not an infatuated teenager, it's not a case of being able to suddenly move on with my life, there is a lot more to it. For instance, I still don't know if I'll have somewhere to live in a few months time.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Yes I do appreciate that if that's how the post was supposed to be, it was just how it was said. I'm not an infatuated teenager, it's not a case of being able to suddenly move on with my life, there is a lot more to it. For instance, I still don't know if I'll have somewhere to live in a few months time.

I don’t think anyone was implying your were an infatuated teenager?

lots of us as adults have had relationships breakdowns and have had the burden of sorting out the practicalities that come with that such as finances/kids/property etc - with the upmost respect, you are not the only person to ever go through this.

its tit. It really is. And it hurts and it’s a scary, unsettling thing to go through but you have to get that fire in your belly and start focusing on you - not him. There’s too many great women - here and generally speaking - just putting all the power & control in the hands of men who have done them wrong/walked out/bailed - stop. Be selfish; look after yourself and start moving forward for you. You can’t go on allowing yourself to be at the mercy of any man - husband/boyfriend/live in lover - whoever.

(I am trying to be kind here before I get absolutely jumped on for this comment!!!)

 

[Imonlyme]

Yes I do appreciate that if that's how the post was supposed to be, it was just how it was said. I'm not an infatuated teenager, it's not a case of being able to suddenly move on with my life, there is a lot more to it. For instance, I still don't know if I'll have somewhere to live in a few months time.

Have you managed to talk to your ex regarding the house?

 

[ProphecyGirl]

My post really wasn't aimed at anyone, it was just how I dealt with it. I was 17-25 and he was all I knew, I didn't go out or have friends or a personality as I thought I had to please him through the emotional abuse he put me through so it was honestly just about how I coped with it

I am sorry for what you're going through and if you thought it was aimed at you. I really do hope you find happiness @LateG0ssiper

 

[Imonlyme]

I don’t think anyone was implying your were an infatuated teenager?

lots of us as adults have had relationships breakdowns and have had the burden of sorting out the practicalities that come with that such as finances/kids/property etc - with the upmost respect, you are not the only person to ever go through this.

its tit. It really is. And it hurts and it’s a scary, unsettling thing to go through but you have to get that fire in your belly and start focusing on you - not him. There’s too many great women - here and generally speaking - just putting all the power & control in the hands of men who have done them wrong/walked out/bailed - stop. Be selfish; look after yourself and start moving forward for you. You can’t go on allowing yourself to be at the mercy of any man - husband/boyfriend/live in lover - whoever.

(I am trying to be kind here before I get absolutely jumped on for this comment!!!)

100% agree with what you said about finding that fire within yourself to look out for number 1.

Obviously everyone needs time to cry it out and get somewhat past the initial shock of being left so abruptly. But once even the tiniest bit of the storm has passed, you need to focus solely on yourself.

 

[LateG0ssiper]

My post really wasn't aimed at anyone, it was just how I dealt with it. I was 17-25 and he was all I knew, I didn't go out or have friends or a personality as I thought I had to please him through the emotional abuse he put me through so it was honestly just about how I coped with it

I am sorry for what you're going through and if you thought it was aimed at you. I really do hope you find happiness @LateG0ssiper

Thank you, I'm sorry for taking it to heart. As you can imagine I'm feeling hyper sensitive at the moment from the exhaustion.

Have you managed to talk to your ex regarding the house?

No, I haven't seen or spoken to him in almost 3 weeks now and I was scared to bring it up when I saw him, it felt like it was too soon. I agreed to only contact him about anything urgent while he was starting therapy so I'm trying to honour that. I know it's a conversation we'll have to have at some point but having had some financial advice it's not looking good for me. I have very little in the way of family and friends and to be honest I'm terrified.

 

[Imonlyme]

Thank you, I'm sorry for taking it to heart. As you can imagine I'm feeling hyper sensitive at the moment from the exhaustion.


No, I haven't seen or spoken to him in almost 3 weeks now and I was scared to bring it up when I saw him, it felt like it was too soon. I agreed to only contact him about anything urgent while he was starting therapy so I'm trying to honour that. I know it's a conversation we'll have to have at some point but having had some financial advice it's not looking good for me. I have very little in the way of family and friends and to be honest I'm terrified.

I'm so sorry to hear that. I completely understand you're feeling terrified but that's all the more reason why you have to think about yourself right now. You have to secure your own future now and it's time for you to place some of your own boundaries and conditions with your husband.

You agreed not to contact him unless it's an emergency, you having somewhere to live is an emergency. You should tell him that it's imperative that you both discuss the living options together and as soon as possible. You have to know every single option available to you so you know which direction in which to move. Being in limbo like you are won't help with how you're feeling, and having one less thing on your mind could give you the strength you need to move forward.

Honestly Hope you feel better soon

 

[LateG0ssiper]

I'm so sorry to hear that. I completely understand you're feeling terrified but that's all the more reason why you have to think about yourself right now. You have to secure your own future now and it's time for you to place some of your own boundaries and conditions with your husband.

You agreed not to contact him unless it's an emergency, you having somewhere to live is an emergency. You should tell him that it's imperative that you both discuss the living options together and as soon as possible. You have to know every single option available to you so you know which direction in which to move. Being in limbo like you are won't help with how you're feeling, and having one less thing on your mind could give you the strength you need to move forward.

Honestly Hope you feel better soon

Thank you. We are due to have some work done early next month so maybe that's the time to speak about it. That gives me a week or so to get some more advice and try and think things through some more. It's so hard to think clearly at the moment, I'm still trying to work as much as I can but it's almost impossible to focus. I know I have to start putting myself first and that's exactly what I'd be telling anyone else in my situation but it's hard when you're used to being a couple and thinking of someone else all the time.

 

[Platformcrocs]

No, I haven't seen or spoken to him in almost 3 weeks now and I was scared to bring it up when I saw him, it felt like it was too soon. I agreed to only contact him about anything urgent while he was starting therapy so I'm trying to honour that. I know it's a conversation we'll have to have at some point but having had some financial advice it's not looking good for me. I have very little in the way of family and friends and to be honest I'm terrified.

I think it's time to have a proper discussion with him. He can't keep holding all the cards. It's not right. Sometimes no contact is the right thing to do if you're in a relationship where you don't live together (and a clean break), but you are married and have financial ties to him. He's dragging this out and it's really unfair on you to be left in limbo.

There’s too many great women - here and generally speaking - just putting all the power & control in the hands of men who have done them wrong/walked out/bailed - stop. Be selfish; look after yourself and start moving forward for you. You can’t go on allowing yourself to be at the mercy of any man - husband/boyfriend/live in lover - whoever.

Yep. I think all of us have made the same mistake in the past. I carried on living with an ex for a few months after we split (usual worries - money and selling the house) but the reality was, he had no intention of sorting out the house and buried his head in the sand. I moved out in the end. I had to live with a flatmate for a few months and it was tough but I couldn't carry on as I was. You have to take control of the situation. It set me back so much and I wish I packed up sooner. Live and learn, I suppose.

 

[Imonlyme]

Thank you. We are due to have some work done early next month so maybe that's the time to speak about it. That gives me a week or so to get some more advice and try and think things through some more. It's so hard to think clearly at the moment, I'm still trying to work as much as I can but it's almost impossible to focus. I know I have to start putting myself first and that's exactly what I'd be telling anyone else in my situation but it's hard when you're used to being a couple and thinking of someone else all the time.

I know how you feel. Your life has been about putting someone and their needs ahead of your own for so long, you're stepping into new and unknown territory now that it's time to put yourself first and It might be scary, but that doesn't mean it can't be good. Just think how good it will feel to know you've done what you needed to do for yourself and managed to pull yourself out of a scary space.

I think you're doing the right thing giving yourself a week to get some advice so that you're armed with solid options and maybe not be forced to be so dependent on someone else. Your next moves are all about taking back the power and control over your own life, wellbeing and emotions. That doesn't mean you can't consider or think about your husband, but never feel the need to put his needs and wants ahead of your own.

I think you've done amazingly well since your break up and I honestly think you need to give yourself more credit and be proud of yourself for where you are right now. Even if it doesn't feel like you've made any progress, know that you have. Any step forward, however small is still a step in the right direction.

 

[LateG0ssiper]

I know how you feel. Your life has been about putting someone and their needs ahead of your own for so long, you're stepping into new and unknown territory now that it's time to put yourself first and It might be scary, but that doesn't mean it can't be good. Just think how good it will feel to know you've done what you needed to do for yourself and managed to pull yourself out of a scary space.

I think you're doing the right thing giving yourself a week to get some advice so that you're armed with solid options and maybe not be forced to be so dependent on someone else. Your next moves are all about taking back the power and control over your own life, wellbeing and emotions. That doesn't mean you can't consider or think about your husband, but never feel the need to put his needs and wants ahead of your own.

I think you've done amazingly well since your break up and I honestly think you need to give yourself more credit and be proud of yourself for where you are right now. Even if it doesn't feel like you've made any progress, know that you have. Any step forward, however small is still a step in the right direction.

What you said at the end really means a lot, thank you x

 

[gigi_93]

It’s all well and good saying we shouldn’t be at the mercy of any man etc. and I understand the sentiment but in the first few months after the breakup of a long term relationship it’s pretty much impossible to think that way. I really wish I could. Getting “under” someone also doesn’t work, the thought of being with anyone else repulses me. Maybe one day it won’t but today, tomorrow and probably next month won’t be “one day”.

Wish I could be the boss babe who just clicks her fingers and the ex is washed from her hair, but I don’t think that person really exists.