butterfliesandhurricanes
VIP Member
I’m dreading Christmas. If I’m completely honest I didn’t think I’d be here. Not sure how I survived this year. I just want the whole festive period to be over.
- Notice
Blahblahahaaa77
VIP Member
Sick and tired of social media. The sickly, happy photos. The excess…erghk!
I’m really struggling at the moment. I’ve been depressed and massively anxious since the age of 4 and I’m in my 20s now.
currently my mental health is so bad that I don’t go out and see anyone, my moods swing massively one way or the other so my life flips between fully on track and completely lost the plot and it’s so upsetting. Ive had years of CBT of all kinds, counselling and medication for depression that hadn’t helped. I’ve had a high couple of months which resulted in me getting £6000 into debt buying stuff I wouldn’t normally with no thought process then I suddenly just crashed and want to die again and don’t see the point in living. It’s exhausting as I’m either completely obsessive and trying to control everything and when something happens I lose the plot and I’m too depressed to do anything other than lay on the sofa and cry for months. I’m not suicidal, I just want the swings and the pain and the thoughts to stop if that makes sense. I referred myself in January as I began to think I could have something more ‘complex and serious’ than depression that has to be tackled in a different way but I won’t even be seen until the end of July.
currently my mental health is so bad that I don’t go out and see anyone, my moods swing massively one way or the other so my life flips between fully on track and completely lost the plot and it’s so upsetting. Ive had years of CBT of all kinds, counselling and medication for depression that hadn’t helped. I’ve had a high couple of months which resulted in me getting £6000 into debt buying stuff I wouldn’t normally with no thought process then I suddenly just crashed and want to die again and don’t see the point in living. It’s exhausting as I’m either completely obsessive and trying to control everything and when something happens I lose the plot and I’m too depressed to do anything other than lay on the sofa and cry for months. I’m not suicidal, I just want the swings and the pain and the thoughts to stop if that makes sense. I referred myself in January as I began to think I could have something more ‘complex and serious’ than depression that has to be tackled in a different way but I won’t even be seen until the end of July.
LennyBriscoe
VIP Member
I want to run away. I find life incredibly difficult at times and this is one of them. I don’t have anywhere to go though. I feel hopeless and helpless as a parent, I can’t deal with a particular situation (well a couple really) and I have no control over either.
I also hate Christmas and it’ll be here in no time. I wish there was a way you could ‘opt out’ of the whole thing because I get sucked into it, buying and wrapping gifts, cards, the music…and then it’s here and it’s shit.
Im so good at masking how I feel but the mask is slipping more and more and I’m worried where it’s all going to end. Life is difficult enough without having depression too.
I also hate Christmas and it’ll be here in no time. I wish there was a way you could ‘opt out’ of the whole thing because I get sucked into it, buying and wrapping gifts, cards, the music…and then it’s here and it’s shit.
Im so good at masking how I feel but the mask is slipping more and more and I’m worried where it’s all going to end. Life is difficult enough without having depression too.
Bitofthebubbly
VIP Member
Found this thread after not being able to sleep all night, it’s been really emotional reading everyone’s experiences, my heart goes out to you all.
I’ve been depressed in some form for as long as I can remember really. Anxiety has plagued my life too but that’s definitely gotten worse as I’ve gotten older and I realised what it was. I think it stems from childhood, not that I had a terrible childhood but looking back I was bullied quite badly from quite a young age at school and there was a lot going on in my family for a period of time which I think affected me more than I realised. I also realised that as a child back then I wasn’t supported and guided by my family as well as I could have been which maybe didn’t help me feel very secure growing up and contributed to some of my MH issues I deal with today. Not that dwelling on the past helps anything though.
I was on sertraline for a couple of years a few years back, they did help but I ended up being on the highest dose in the end. I got bored of taking them and started forgetting to take them so I stopped picking up my prescription and stopped taking them cold Turkey (not the best idea I know). I definitely wouldn’t recommend this, all I had was brain zaps, mentally I didn’t notice a huge change, but the zaps were annoying enough and lasted a few weeks. If I ever go on meds again and decide to stop them, I’ll definitely stop them properly next time rather than take a silly risk with my mental health. Never tried talking therapies or counselling, not very good at this whole self referral system we have in England, it scares me to take that step for some reason. It took me forever to eventually pluck up the courage to see my gp for meds in the first place.
Since being off meds I’ve mostly been coping. I self medicate with cbd and some thc which does help and I can stop it when ever with no brain zaps. I tend to have good days and bad days but I never feel fully ok really. There’s always something stressful on my mind dragging me down and I can’t ever really turn it off. Sometimes I have nights like tonight where I can’t shut my eyes without my brain going off on what I call an anxious tangent no matter what techniques I try to distract myself. Every day is a bit of a slog really even when I feel ok, some days I can barely force myself to do normal every day tasks which makes me feel so useless and lazy. My house ends up in a state sometimes which makes my mood even worse until I eventually can’t stand it any longer and sort it out but I wish I could just stay on top of it to begin with because life would be so much easier.
I think for me most of the time I am just about keeping it together. Like I said every day feels like a slog, but I think I’ve just accepted that this is just part of who I am, I am just a moody bitch sometimes because my brain is a bit wonky. Don’t get me wrong I’m not miserable all the time and I can still have fun and a laugh, but I can’t ever really see a life where I am completely free from depression and anxiety as much as I wish that wasn’t the case.
I’ve been depressed in some form for as long as I can remember really. Anxiety has plagued my life too but that’s definitely gotten worse as I’ve gotten older and I realised what it was. I think it stems from childhood, not that I had a terrible childhood but looking back I was bullied quite badly from quite a young age at school and there was a lot going on in my family for a period of time which I think affected me more than I realised. I also realised that as a child back then I wasn’t supported and guided by my family as well as I could have been which maybe didn’t help me feel very secure growing up and contributed to some of my MH issues I deal with today. Not that dwelling on the past helps anything though.
I was on sertraline for a couple of years a few years back, they did help but I ended up being on the highest dose in the end. I got bored of taking them and started forgetting to take them so I stopped picking up my prescription and stopped taking them cold Turkey (not the best idea I know). I definitely wouldn’t recommend this, all I had was brain zaps, mentally I didn’t notice a huge change, but the zaps were annoying enough and lasted a few weeks. If I ever go on meds again and decide to stop them, I’ll definitely stop them properly next time rather than take a silly risk with my mental health. Never tried talking therapies or counselling, not very good at this whole self referral system we have in England, it scares me to take that step for some reason. It took me forever to eventually pluck up the courage to see my gp for meds in the first place.
Since being off meds I’ve mostly been coping. I self medicate with cbd and some thc which does help and I can stop it when ever with no brain zaps. I tend to have good days and bad days but I never feel fully ok really. There’s always something stressful on my mind dragging me down and I can’t ever really turn it off. Sometimes I have nights like tonight where I can’t shut my eyes without my brain going off on what I call an anxious tangent no matter what techniques I try to distract myself. Every day is a bit of a slog really even when I feel ok, some days I can barely force myself to do normal every day tasks which makes me feel so useless and lazy. My house ends up in a state sometimes which makes my mood even worse until I eventually can’t stand it any longer and sort it out but I wish I could just stay on top of it to begin with because life would be so much easier.
I think for me most of the time I am just about keeping it together. Like I said every day feels like a slog, but I think I’ve just accepted that this is just part of who I am, I am just a moody bitch sometimes because my brain is a bit wonky. Don’t get me wrong I’m not miserable all the time and I can still have fun and a laugh, but I can’t ever really see a life where I am completely free from depression and anxiety as much as I wish that wasn’t the case.
Sickofinstacrap
Well-known member
My mum passed away 2 weeks ago after a long illness, my work are being assholes about me taking time off, people who I thought would check in, haven’t at all. My mind won’t accept that she’s gone, I still feel like it’s not real and she will be back soon. I just got engaged before this happened and bought a house and I haven’t been able to remotely enjoy it. First world problems I know. I feel like I’m never going to be happy. I’m in a constant whirlwind of wanting to end it all but then not wanting to put my family through that. My mums illness has drained the life out of me. I’m so jealous of everyone with a mum. I’m so jealous of people who have their own kids and are a mum. I don’t know how I’m ever going to be happy again. Sorry for the vent I feel like I can’t say this to anyone really.
nothanksbabes
VIP Member
Not really sure which bit of this thread full of people on various anti-depressants, in therapy and recovering from self harm among other issues you think is just some people who feel a bit sad diagnosing themselves with depression for a laugh.
This is the reason I don't bother telling people. Outwardly I'm the life and soul of the party and function well enough, but have struggled with complex PTSD my entire adult life. But I have a laugh with my mates and manage to brush my hair so I must just be a bit sad
.
TapToBoreMeRigid
VIP Member
I was awake from yesterday morning til 2pm today. Got 4h sleep. Ate a ready meal. Now playing animal crossing. It's hard to imagine that I once enjoyed festivities.
Bogwoppit
VIP Member
I’m so pathetic I really am, I just don’t know what else to do, I should think myself lucky my kids spend time with their dad & I get time to myself but that’s the problem, I have absolutely nobody. I’m sat in my bed at the moment crying, it’s a Saturday night people are out or spending time with others & I’ve got a bottle of gin to keep me company, I have no friends. My kids say I should be happy in my own company & yes I am at times but it’s too much of my own company, I feel my life passing me by so much right now. All I do is cry, when I go to bed then I can’t sleep cos I have nobody to talk to. I just don’t know what to do at all, I’ve come off social media cos I’m sick & tired of seeing everyone else happy with their partners or people out with friends, I just feel invisible & only ever wanted when it’s for someone else’s gain, sorry to rant on.
Libbylulu
VIP Member
I got married really young to a man who was older. We weren’t suited and I was far too young. I married him because I was lonely and afraid of being on my own when my friends were in couples, buying houses, moving on with their lives. It was a disaster. I’m married now the second time for twenty odd years, live overseas and at times I’m still lonely. What I’ve realized now I’m older is that most people are. Don’t be in a hurry to move out, move on, conform because you may think it’s what you should do. Let things progress naturally. Live your best for you. 
justmeandmycat
Well-known member
So depressed. I’ve been in therapy for years and I just want to be at a baseline where I’m not riddled with anxiety and intense emotions and depression. I feel so lonely and sad and unloved and not worthy. I understand because of my chronic mental illnesses, I’ll always be in therapy and require treatment but I don’t want my life to be this way. It is exhausting. I just want to be okay and safe and not anxious and not sad. I don’t even ask for happy that much. 
Sheabutter
VIP Member
I can’t tell if I’m depressed…. 
justheretoread99
VIP Member
We’ll agree to disagree.
So sad that there’s clearly still so much stigma around depression (and other mental health conditions).
My point is, none of us know what’s going on in someone’s else’s head. Not me. Not you. Not anybody but them.
If someone just seems “sad” or “worried” to you, you really have no idea what they truly feel. A lot of people with depression are ‘high functioning’. (Although, I hate that term). To strangers in public I seem bubbly and chatty. When in reality I’ve just spent the past 2 weeks in bed, surviving off 1 small meal a day with un-brushed hair and un-cleaned teeth.
To the person “worrying” over something but seems calm on the outside. You have no idea about the heart palpitations they have. The trembling. The sweating. The shortness of breath and tight heavy chest. Their racing thoughts and sense of dread on the inside.
Comments like yours put people off opening up and asking for help/support.
To claim a “minority” of people are wasting GP’s time and unnecessarily utilising facilities is so ignorant. In an ideal world everybody should be able to have time with GPs and have access to facilities. No matter how big or small their “sadness” or “worrying” may seem to others.
I don’t want to sound like I’m trying to police a thread but this probably isn’t the thread for you.
Oh totally! It’s such a vicious cycle isn’t it. Feeling so anxious about something then procrastinating and feeling even more anxious because we’ve procrastinated. It’s good to know there are others that feel the same. I feel crazy and pathetic sometimes like “why can’t I just do it now”
gingerteacup
Chatty Member
Anyone else really struggling this festive season. My chest feels so tight, I can’t stand the thought of seeing family tomorrow, it’s just all a bit much.
Quarrantinemadness
VIP Member
Hello 
I’m suffering a lot at the moment, I hate it, I wish there was a cure and I could lead a normal life x
I’m suffering a lot at the moment, I hate it, I wish there was a cure and I could lead a normal life x
butterfliesandhurricanes
VIP Member
Does anyone else struggle with binge eating/emotional eating ? I know for some it’s a case of losing appetite but for me I have always used food whether it be when I’m happy, sad, anxious whatever. I’m very low at the moment, dark thoughts etc and I feel like the binge eating is getting out of control. It’s not helping because it makes me feel horrible bloated and disgusting but when you get that few moments of fake happiness eating food it seems worth it. Anyone else struggle with this ?
TapToBoreMeRigid
VIP Member
Trying to stabilise on new med, husband also mentally ill, mum being tested for cancer, me being tested for autoimmune conditions, our dog having breast cancer and now we have found out my FiL has been being abused by family.
Additionally we have no money and the idea of Christmas makes me sick.
Happiness everywhere I look and it is so jarring.
Sending love to all
Additionally we have no money and the idea of Christmas makes me sick.
Happiness everywhere I look and it is so jarring.
Sending love to all
Underhiseye
Chatty Member
Hi everyone, sorry I haven’t read anyone’s posts yet because I just don’t have anything in me right now but I will. I just wanted to write how I’m feeling.
Had depression for years, probs since I was 12 but only diagonosed at 24 (27 now). This week has been bad. No reason for it, no triggers, just one of them weeks. I’ve spoilered the next bit as it refers to self harm (hope I spoilered it right)
Sorry I just wanted to write how I’m feeling. I do have friends I can talk to but I never know what to say.
thanks for making this thread
Had depression for years, probs since I was 12 but only diagonosed at 24 (27 now). This week has been bad. No reason for it, no triggers, just one of them weeks. I’ve spoilered the next bit as it refers to self harm (hope I spoilered it right)
I was at work today just trying to get through the day, went to the toilet for some peace and was looking for anything in there I could hurt myself with, sharp edge, loose screw anything. Hitting stuff doesn’t do anything for me I need a cutting or burning pain. Anyway thankfully there wasn’t anything. Came home, cried in the shower for an hour. Got out the shower and cut, then cried more. I wish there was a way I could end it all without hurting anyone around me. Now I’m just led here mad at myself for hurting myself, and fuming that it’s summer and I’ll have to wear long sleeves for the foreseeable..
Sorry I just wanted to write how I’m feeling. I do have friends I can talk to but I never know what to say.
thanks for making this thread
Libbylulu
VIP Member
Depression just sucks the joy out of everything and makes life hard work. I’m sending big hugs to all who need right now. This thread is such a great safe place to let our feelings out. Someone is always about to reply. So no matter how low or miserable you feel.... post away