The Depression Thread

[chandlercheesecake]

Just want to vent really. I feel really down today.

I hate me. I've never fit in anywhere or been able to make any true friends. Everyone just points out how quiet or shy I am. I thought this would stop once I left school 11 years ago, but it still happens to this today. I've been bullied in workplaces and left out. One situation that still hurts me even though it happened 2 years ago, was when a woman who I thought was my "friend" tried to get my boyfriend to witch about me with her behind my back.

There was also a time a few years ago when I set up a fan group for something and actually made some online friends, but then I got busy with work so didn't have the time anymore. When I did return, they had all gotten closer and one of them was even like "Not being rude but who are you?" even though I was the one who set up the group.

I also had another online forum friend a couple of years ago that blocked me because they got the wrong end of the stick about a YouTube clip I sent them. That one still kinda stings too when I see them post on that forum.

I always try to smile and be friendly with people but I struggle a lot with holding conversations and sharing details about myself. I feel like I have been ashamed of myself since I was about 4 or 5 years old because teachers and relatives would always shout at me and treat me like I was all wrong because I was shy.

Last year I did find out about something called "toxic shame" and I think I do have it.

I have never gotten help from doctors, but I think I finally should.

 

[unnecessary]

Why is the embarrassing? Firstly a hell of a lot of people these days simply cannot afford to move out of home and secondly being a virgin is nothing to be ashamed of. So you’re a late bloomer. Too many oeople rush to have sex and bitterly regret it.

Personally, I think 26 is way too young to get married and have babies. I was still at uni at 25 and then building my career after and didn’t marry until I was 31. Now that I’m divorced, I’ve travelled the world and am far more financially well off than I was when I was married (and no not because I got any sort of settlement), because I am free to choose what type of work I do without having to worry about stability. Yeah I feign happiness at these people, but I don’t want what they have. Never wanted babies, not interested in getting married again. I’d like a partner, but only if he’s the right man for me! I’m certainly not afraid of being alone.

It’s really hard to live in a world where you’re expected to have certain achievements by certain ages, but actually all you do by following these unwritten rules is end up living your life the way you’re expected to and for me that was never the life that made me happy.

My advice to anyone - you do you and let others get on with it. You will never achieve happiness in life by comparing yourself to others. OK, so you’re scared to grow up, that’s fine. Who are you actually harming? You’ll know when you’re ready to have sex or move out or whatever and there’s no law that puts an age limit on that!

That's so true that people cannot afford to leave home - I guess I'm embarrassed because I could afford it - I just don't feel emotionally ready to live by myself - I depend on my mum in ways I hate to admit. I also identify as asexual - I really feel nothing sexually.. ever. And so I guess I feel embarrassed about that in the way that I feel 'broken.' So while my way of living isn't bad or wrong - I just don't feel proud of it because I don't think I should feel the way I do. It's purely me - and I wouldn't judge anyone else for feeling the way I do. I completely agree with you - we shouldn't compare ourselves to others and the expectations that society sets for us.

 

[Libbylulu]

I got married really young to a man who was older. We weren’t suited and I was far too young. I married him because I was lonely and afraid of being on my own when my friends were in couples, buying houses, moving on with their lives. It was a disaster. I’m married now the second time for twenty odd years, live overseas and at times I’m still lonely. What I’ve realized now I’m older is that most people are. Don’t be in a hurry to move out, move on, conform because you may think it’s what you should do. Let things progress naturally. Live your best for you.

 

[isabellalovescats]

I am very low and lonely today. I realized yesterday that I started liking someone and I really hate that feeling. Because everyone leaves. I am so lonely but so mortified to get attached to people again. I don’t know how to cope with that. I am scared.

 

[Libbylulu]

I am very low and lonely today. I realized yesterday that I started liking someone and I really hate that feeling. Because everyone leaves. I am so lonely but so mortified to get attached to people again. I don’t know how to cope with that. I am scared.

Low and lonely is such a tit feeling. Sending you big hugs. Don’t feel mortified, let things play out - not everyone leaves, only those you don’t need in your life, those who don’t deserve you. It may sound corny but 100% true!

 

[Raininvain]

Could anyone advise is this person rude or is it me? I was talking today in the street with a neighbour, general chit chat etc and we got onto talking about another very elderly neighbour who has come out of hospital etc, then went into a recovery place and is now home.She has home carers coming in and her son hasn't really been around etc and yet another neighbour has had to help out etc...
Anyway the lady said to me what are you going to do when your old and all this happens to you and you have absolutely nobody to help you etc? I'm not married and I don't have kids etc. I was just a bit shocked really for someone to come out with that. I mean anything could happen and I'm not forced to get that old, my Dad died young and also no one has needed care in my family either. Is it me being oversensitive or the neighbour being rude?

 

[ordinaryjelly]

Could anyone advise is this person rude or is it me? I was talking today in the street with a neighbour, general chit chat etc and we got onto talking about another very elderly neighbour who has come out of hospital etc, then went into a recovery place and is now home.She has home carers coming in and her son hasn't really been around etc and yet another neighbour has had to help out etc...
Anyway the lady said to me what are you going to do when your old and all this happens to you and you have absolutely nobody to help you etc? I'm not married and I don't have kids etc. I was just a bit shocked really for someone to come out with that. I mean anything could happen and I'm not forced to get that old, my Dad died young and also no one has needed care in my family either. Is it me being oversensitive or the neighbour being rude?

I think your neighbour is being rude. I'd say something like "having children doesn't guarantee they will care for me in old age and what if a husband died first, anyway?"

No one knows what needs we may have in our old age. I have a 43 year old neighbour who needs carers due to poor health and a Grandma who lived to 99 independently in her own home. Try and let her words float into your head and out again, they are junk mail.

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

I just hate how good days are always followed by horrible ones. I was so cheerful yesterday night, and today I’m absolutely miserable. I can’t do anything at all, I just did the bare minimum at work and have been in bed all day completely debilitated by emotional numbness and self-hatred. It feels like I don’t deserve to be happy and when I am, I know I will be punished for that later.

 

[Raininvain]

I am very low and lonely today. I realized yesterday that I started liking someone and I really hate that feeling. Because everyone leaves. I am so lonely but so mortified to get attached to people again. I don’t know how to cope with that. I am scared.

Just take them as they come, and dont invest too much in them, so if they dont stick around then so what?
I think its part and parcel of life that people just come and go. I've lost touch with quite a lot of really nice friends over the years and it wasnt through falling out, it was move to do with life changes, like they got married had more kids, job changes for everyone etc. Not everyone keeps in touch. Just try to take things for the moment etc. Same for a possible partner.

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

This thread has been rather quiet, but I hope it’s a good sign and you are all doing okay. How are you today @chandlercheesecake? I’ve been thinking about you because your post has touched me deeply. You sound like a lovely person, and I’m really sorry you had to go through this pain.


As for me, I’m okay today. I thought I’d wake up happy but no, I’m still numb. Doing my best to distract myself, just taking it slow. What I don’t understand is why my meds aren’t working anymore.

 

[isabellalovescats]

Low and lonely is such a tit feeling. Sending you big hugs. Don’t feel mortified, let things play out - not everyone leaves, only those you don’t need in your life, those who don’t deserve you. It may sound corny but 100% true!

Thank you so much! You give such good advice. I’m just scared I don’t know how to let things play out. So far I’ve found that people either stay around for a few months but once I decide to trust them and let my guards down, they all leave. I have become very paranoid about their intentions so now I really want to define things early on so that I don’t get attached. That happens in both romantic and friendship contexts. My anxious nature really likes labels and knowing where I’m at (acquaintances or friends, hookup or girlfriend, etc.) but I don’t know how to get a clear answer from other people without coming off as demanding.

Just take them as they come, and dont invest too much in them, so if they dont stick around then so what?
I think its part and parcel of life that people just come and go. I've lost touch with quite a lot of really nice friends over the years and it wasnt through falling out, it was move to do with life changes, like they got married had more kids, job changes for everyone etc. Not everyone keeps in touch. Just try to take things for the moment etc. Same for a possible partner.

Thank you so much for your wise words. My solid friendships have fizzled out over the years and I’ve become quite the recluse. Nothing bad even happened - like you said, life changes played a part mostly. I’m now dealing with a possible partner situation. I really like the person and want to see how things play out but I also don’t know how to let things play out. I don’t want to become invested at all if he’s not taking things with commitment in his mind (bf/gf) although we’ve only known each other for a month so maybe I’m being unreasonable here? I hate social anxiety. Compounded with depression, I’m horrendous in social situations.

 

[caterday28]

My partner has recently had some good news and has been really happy and so positive about our future. I'm struggling a lot but he seems fairly oblivious to it (he knows I still struggle with my mental health, it's chronic at this point, but he hasn't clocked how hard it is right now). Anyway, I am finding it REALLY difficult to be around him. Obviously I want him to be happy! But I'm so irritable and it's grating on me. I just want to be alone, in a dark room, in bed under my duvet. I don't want to speak to or see anyone. It's making me feel worse because I seem like such a horrible person. I think I'm hiding my irritability well - I'm not snapping at him etc. Can anyone relate?

 

[Sideboard Bob]

My partner has recently had some good news and has been really happy and so positive about our future. I'm struggling a lot but he seems fairly oblivious to it (he knows I still struggle with my mental health, it's chronic at this point, but he hasn't clocked how hard it is right now). Anyway, I am finding it REALLY difficult to be around him. Obviously I want him to be happy! But I'm so irritable and it's grating on me. I just want to be alone, in a dark room, in bed under my duvet. I don't want to speak to or see anyone. It's making me feel worse because I seem like such a horrible person. I think I'm hiding my irritability well - I'm not snapping at him etc. Can anyone relate?

I can relate to the bit in bold. It’s one of the most heartbreaking parts of depression for me. I don’t want to be like this, I know it will help so much to be around people I love but I just isolate myself, I don’t even know why I do it, it’s like a form of self-harm.

 

[Penguin86]

 

[lemonl189]

Help!
im new to this forum I have just Made my account and this is my first post.
I’m searching for help because I am too scared to talk to anyone about how I feel face to face. I’m having a really hard time and I cannot control my thoughts some days I can think things are getting better and the next days are the lowest of low. Some back story throughout my childhood it was never good in school I used to get bullied for the way I looked and I always tried to fit in however a few years later at the 16 age I starting getting some attention i liked but I was way out of my league and then had a traumatic accident 2 years ago and was burnt and left alone (I think this is where my trauma lies I’m not sure I’m over it) I lost all my confidence and had to return to school all my friends knowing what happened and had massive burn patches on the side of my face. At the time this didn’t fase me at all I thought it wouldn’t affect me (it has now I think it is because I never processed it) 3 years after I now dropped out of college no job no friends because of anxiety and depression (not diagnosed) I get flashbacks of what happened I’m too scared to admit my feelings because I have no one to talk to and the people I know we don’t have that kind of open relationship or don’t take me seriously. I want to change my life so bad I want to get back into education a job and new friends I have missed out on so much the fire took so much away from me and during the lockdown I think is when I processed what had happened and that’s when it all hit me I didn’t leave the house for months gave up on things I enjoyed and lost myself. How can I change things to make things better and get a better life?

 

[Raininvain]

Help!
im new to this forum I have just Made my account and this is my first post.
I’m searching for help because I am too scared to talk to anyone about how I feel face to face. I’m having a really hard time and I cannot control my thoughts some days I can think things are getting better and the next days are the lowest of low. Some back story throughout my childhood it was never good in school I used to get bullied for the way I looked and I always tried to fit in however a few years later at the 16 age I starting getting some attention i liked but I was way out of my league and then had a traumatic accident 2 years ago and was burnt and left alone (I think this is where my trauma lies I’m not sure I’m over it) I lost all my confidence and had to return to school all my friends knowing what happened and had massive burn patches on the side of my face. At the time this didn’t fase me at all I thought it wouldn’t affect me (it has now I think it is because I never processed it) 3 years after I now dropped out of college no job no friends because of anxiety and depression (not diagnosed) I get flashbacks of what happened I’m too scared to admit my feelings because I have no one to talk to and the people I know we don’t have that kind of open relationship or don’t take me seriously. I want to change my life so bad I want to get back into education a job and new friends I have missed out on so much the fire took so much away from me and during the lockdown I think is when I processed what had happened and that’s when it all hit me I didn’t leave the house for months gave up on things I enjoyed and lost myself. How can I change things to make things better and get a better life?

I'm sorry you have been through such a bad experience especially when your young as well. I think I would start with looking for some counselling to start off, Could you ask the G.P to refer you or is there a local Womens project etc? I think I'd do that and look for something local you could join, anything to get out of the house and meet people. I know its still difficult at the moment but things are getting a bit better. Like a book club, walking group/ running club/church group whatever you are interested in etc. I'd also force myself to walk for an hour a day for fresh air instead of being stuck in the house which can be very depressing in itself.

 

[lemonl189]

I'm sorry you have been through such a bad experience especially when your young as well. I think I would start with looking for some counselling to start off, Could you ask the G.P to refer you or is there a local Womens project etc? I think I'd do that and look for something local you could join, anything to get out of the house and meet people. I know its still difficult at the moment but things are getting a bit better. Like a book club, walking group/ running club/church group whatever you are interested in etc. I'd also force myself to walk for an hour a day for fresh air instead of being stuck in the house which can be very depressing in itself.

Thankyou so much and yes I think I’m definitely going to look into some clubs I’m interested in sports and fitness I think starting off meeting new people will be better before speaking to a gp because talking about my feelings is a lot I still have so much social anxiety around people I struggle to even go in my garden sometimes or seeing some of my family members I’m trying to conquer this as I would love to go out on walks by myself and not have to worry if others are judging me (I know they won’t be but it’s my brain telling me so) I’m trying to overcome my fears each day I know it’s not going to happen straight away but I know I need to for a chance of a better life if not I’m scared of failure.

 

[Libbylulu]

Help!
im new to this forum I have just Made my account and this is my first post.
I’m searching for help because I am too scared to talk to anyone about how I feel face to face. I’m having a really hard time and I cannot control my thoughts some days I can think things are getting better and the next days are the lowest of low. Some back story throughout my childhood it was never good in school I used to get bullied for the way I looked and I always tried to fit in however a few years later at the 16 age I starting getting some attention i liked but I was way out of my league and then had a traumatic accident 2 years ago and was burnt and left alone (I think this is where my trauma lies I’m not sure I’m over it) I lost all my confidence and had to return to school all my friends knowing what happened and had massive burn patches on the side of my face. At the time this didn’t fase me at all I thought it wouldn’t affect me (it has now I think it is because I never processed it) 3 years after I now dropped out of college no job no friends because of anxiety and depression (not diagnosed) I get flashbacks of what happened I’m too scared to admit my feelings because I have no one to talk to and the people I know we don’t have that kind of open relationship or don’t take me seriously. I want to change my life so bad I want to get back into education a job and new friends I have missed out on so much the fire took so much away from me and during the lockdown I think is when I processed what had happened and that’s when it all hit me I didn’t leave the house for months gave up on things I enjoyed and lost myself. How can I change things to make things better and get a better life?

I’m so sorry that things have been so tough and difficult. I know you say you’re too scared to talk to someone face to face but sometimes finding a good counselor can be a blessing. It took me ages to agree to see someone but when I found the right person it helped me organize my thoughts, voice things out loud, make a plan, even just baby steps to start. Sometimes it’s good to have someone to talk to even if it’s an effort to start. 🫂 xxx

 

[279cupcakes]

Hi my lovelies,

I hope you are all doing alright. I haven't been diagnosed with depression, but I struggle a lot with low mood and suicidal thoughts. I never actively tried to harm myself but every so often these thoughts crop up in my mind that no one likes me and I would be better off dead.
I had CBT that finished a month or so ago, because I was dealing with some painful family issues that made the suicidal thoughts more frequent. I found that really helpful in terms of helping myself cope with that one specific issue and reducing the frequency of the thoughts but I completely forgot how bad my mental state was even before that issue.
I'm really self critical and pick apart my appearance, and compare myself constantly to other people. I often feel like an awful person because I get really jealous of other people who seem to be living their best lives, and I get really annoyed easily and snappy towards the people I love.
I often just feel really low and down, and I have things that I do to distract myself (hobbies) but they feel like putting a plaster over a gaping wound. I try to stay upbeat by thinking about the future and how that will be easier but sometimes everything about the future seems so confusing and too much effort to deal with. I'm on the waiting list for counselling which I've had before and was semi-helpful, but I keep wondering what I'll do if it doesn't work. I know people who've been on anti-depressants and it's helped them but I just worry about side-effects, if they'll actually work, and how I don't want to be dependent on them (i think the last part is just challenging negative stereotypes about them that my parents have said).
So sorry this was so long- it helps to vent.

 

[lemonl189]

Thankyou I’m definitely going to try and

Hi my lovelies,

I hope you are all doing alright. I haven't been diagnosed with depression, but I struggle a lot with low mood and suicidal thoughts. I never actively tried to harm myself but every so often these thoughts crop up in my mind that no one likes me and I would be better off dead.
I had CBT that finished a month or so ago, because I was dealing with some painful family issues that made the suicidal thoughts more frequent. I found that really helpful in terms of helping myself cope with that one specific issue and reducing the frequency of the thoughts but I completely forgot how bad my mental state was even before that issue.
I'm really self critical and pick apart my appearance, and compare myself constantly to other people. I often feel like an awful person because I get really jealous of other people who seem to be living their best lives, and I get really annoyed easily and snappy towards the people I love.
I often just feel really low and down, and I have things that I do to distract myself (hobbies) but they feel like putting a plaster over a gaping wound. I try to stay upbeat by thinking about the future and how that will be easier but sometimes everything about the future seems so confusing and too much effort to deal with. I'm on the waiting list for counselling which I've had before and was semi-helpful, but I keep wondering what I'll do if it doesn't work. I know people who've been on anti-depressants and it's helped them but I just worry about side-effects, if they'll actually work, and how I don't want to be dependent on them (i think the last part is just challenging negative stereotypes about them that my parents have said).
So sorry this was so long- it helps to vent.

I completely understand where you are coming from on the appearance part and worrying about the future. For me when I get down about my appearance it’s because of what people (bullies) have said to me in the past I feel like I need to accept this and understand it was years ago when they said it and I am a lot better than their nasty comments. You are not an awful person for being jealous of others life it’s natural to want better especially if your having a really hard time you just automatically want the happiness others have this is normal but you have to think you don’t know what’s going on personally for example people only post on Instagram the best bits of their life sometimes you have to fake it until you make it keep going and thinking positive it can only get better from here. I agree with being snappy to the people you love for me this is because I am unhappy and unsatisfied I seem to take it out on others then feeling really guilty after for me I explain why I did that and say sorry it’s hard but after explaining they seem to understand. As for the future try to stay positive you are the creator of your own life and destiny I struggle with this a lot as I think it’s hard to know what you want then confusing thoughts happen but you just have to live in the present knowing that whatever we do now will help us for the future just know people have different paths and timings in life what people are achieving now you could achieve in 10 years or vice versa. You are not alone.