Seriously well done. Addiction is so pernicious. Please stay safe.
Thankyou. Im doing okay, im on methadone and im not abusing that anymore either (at one point i would double up on that/miss days etc etc). My family are extremely supportive. Ive also got complex mental health issues-bpd and bipolar which i think kinda explains my risk taking behaviour when it came to drugs and my impulsivity. I have just read another post where they talk about users who could be classed as functioning users who also have professional careers, and that is me and the people i used to associate with. We are not all toothless, skinny, scruffy, trainspotting type characters!
I wrongly used to assume because i was functioning- i still had a bloody good job, paid all my bills, and was a good parent, that i could handle it. Because i used to binge and sometimes i would hammer it, and then not touch it for a couple of months. But it did get to me, and its sad but it ended with me attempting suicide twice, being sectioned, being in a mental health hospital for 6 weeks. And when i came home from hospital my family pretty much kept me as a prisoner- not that they were abusing me or anything like that, but i had to get rid of my phone, completely cut off those people, and focus purely on me and my family.
I wish it was as easy to get off drugs as some people suggest it is. Withdrawing is absolutely fucking horrible, also and this might sound crazy but heroin is a lovely drug! Why else would people intitally use it? It wrapped me up in cotton wool, and i felt amazing. I know realize its because i was trying to mask my other feelings (connected with my mental health). Its a tough thing but im getting the right support and medication- both for my addiction and my mental health, and for the first time i genuinely feel present in the moment- like i dont have any outside influence or stresses, im fully present with my children and my partner.
I will hold my hand up and say I am completely oblivious to functioning addicts as in I’m aware they exist I’m just not aware of any I know. Close people in my life completely obliterated themselves on this drug, so the only firsthand knowledge I have of it is from watching them and how their lives fell apart, one is dead. I don’t meant to insult anyone with my views, I’m speaking from ignorance not intent. I applaud you for staying sober
I completely see what you mean, and some would argue that in the end i was not functioning at all because it ended with me attempting suicide twice, being sectioned and in a mental health hospital, and then being treated like a child by my family- not being able to go out, they would look after and give me my meds so i couldnt double up, not being able to have a phone etc etc.
I personally feel that the idea of functioning comes down to money. The rich people who used heroin never ever had to struggle to get the money to get hold of it, they never had to steal or lie to obtain their funds. I guess on a superficial level i could probably be described as functioning due to me going to work, paying bills, i took care of myself in terms of hygeine and looks. But on the inside- it co-existed with my mental health and was so so damaging to me and you could argue it very nearly destroyed my life. I also look back now and almost feel scared at how i used to use it after a period off it, It wouldnt matter to me that i hadnt took it for 2 or 3 months, i just used it as i would have used it had i been hammering it. And that is why my drugs worker always used to tell me- i was at more of a risk of an overdose than someone who would use it every day, and yet i didnt care. But now i realise i was trying to escape from my mental health issues.
Sorry for waffling on xx