Jack Monroe #219 Why you sob? Russell Hobb

[SarcasticEllis]

One lone brave squiggle amongst the arse lickers

 

[BlendedSlop]

Giving big "rebellious left-wing uni student and her disapproving Tory mother" energy.

 

[BeautifulTrauma]

The finished cake….

And with the prune juice poured all over

And the bit Jack didn’t post….what it looks like inside…

It is stodgy as fuck. It took a fair whack with the spoon to get into it and it still looks like shit in a dish.

 

[traumatised sideboard]

Post-Mantra Jack looks straight up like someone you'd see on those local politics newsletters that get shoved through your door.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

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“early December“ … omg could it be the book‘s release date? Or will it be an article that we‘ll find some time next year in the “My Weekly” archives?

I don’t want to but here’s my nails too...

Spoiler

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Yeah Jack didn’t reply to RH in public, bet a DM to them flew off faster than that kettle fell (right on it’s heavy wide bottom despite having water in it, I feel like the smash is in the wrong place but can’t explain why, because I am not technical or scientific, please join me in mithering if you can explain)

I am very technical and scientific, and I agree, there’s something off about the smash.
My conclusion is that it wasn’t something smashed INTO the glass, but broke OUT. Most likely an egg.

Here‘s a sketch of my theory, loosely inspired by @Silver Linings ‘ artistic explanation of the event.

 

[greenvelvet]

Some of my friends are from Southend. One of their relatives used to date Jack (apparently she was a nightmare and an inconsistent liar - don't know any more details than that and I've never met or spoken to the relative myself)

Anyway, my boyfriend hates Jack with a passion and the most interested he's ever been in Tattle is when he went through these threads with me last night. He got me to help him navigate the 200+ you lot have written and patiently went through the Jackisms to get acquainted with the lingo. His personal favourite post was the ranked list of Jack's personalities lol

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

Don't bother xoxo

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

Do you remember the time Jack had a massive eye?

November 18, 2020. Screenshot: @Silver Linings

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

 

[traumatised sideboard]

Is she really blending anyone else's prunes tonight or is it just me? That salad is fucking rancid, her completely unwarranted self-praise is actually inducing indigestion and the smug are making me want to compress my computer monitor into a non-functional cuboid slab with my bare hands. You're not gently tiptoeing back, you've been BACK for weeks you total and utter twatting ballbag.

 

[carefulnow]

I never feel clever/witty enough to post in this thread so I lurk from the sidelines, but I've popped in to say I thoroughly enjoyed the live cookalong though I have now been put off cooking my dinner.

 

[Veronicaaa]

 

[Falkor]

Here's my attempt at a first verse and chorus of that well-known Billy Joel song, We Didn't Smash The Kettle. If anyone wants to carry on, feel free, because I need a shower!

Why you sob, Russell Hobb? All you had was one small job
Boiling liquids night and day, heating up the water.
One smol pixie had a trip, stuck her hand out, great big hit
Struck you on your side now you're not working as you oughta

We didn't smash the kettle
It was always toiling, permanently boiling
We didn't smash the kettle
No, we didn't break it, but you tried to fake it

 

[Silver Linings]

 

[Boyo]

You’re telling me these are the same person? No fucking way.

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It looks like when they get similar-ish actresses to play siblings in tv dramas.

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Giving big "rebellious left-wing uni student and her disapproving Tory mother" energy.

 

[ThunderClapForCapers]

 

[Satisfying Click]

The first photo has such strong Daily Mail SadFace energy

"Local woman fined £300 for putting broken kettle into wrong recycling bin."

 

[traumatised sideboard]

 

[BeautifulTrauma]

So right now, we have the cooking oil, sugar and prunes (which I’ve destoned myself) and that beautiful syrupy prune juice to go over the top.