Jack Does Strictly
Week One Training Footage
Jack arrives at dance studio
Jack: "Hey, Aljaz! I'm Jack Monroe, single mother, cook, food writer, author, accidental conqueror of fears, purchaser of luxury goods, Greek, Norn Irish, admirer of Nigella, 5 foot 1.7, puppy brain. I understand I've been put with you cos you're not due a ringer this year and you may have the patience and good humour to cope with me. hahahaha! what am I like? have I mentioned I can stand on my tiptoes for twelve whole minutes? I danced in heels with my bff Marcus, you know? Rashford, that is, Marcus Rashford. I solved the whole free school meals in the holidays with him you know? I don't ever like or retweet his tweets but I taught him everything about child poverty.
now then, what's our dance this week? I'll nail it. once and done, that's me"
Aljaz: (sotto voce)"what the duck have I been landed with now? Janette, please save me"
Aljaz: (out loud) "Yay! Jack! So great to see you! we're gonna do great! we will be performing (dramatic pause) street/commercial to 'Food, Glorious Food!'"
Week One Live Show
Alan Dedicoat: "Please welcome to the floor,
single mother, cook, food writer, author, accidental conqueror of fears, purchaser of luxury goods, Greek, Norn Irish, admirer of Nigella, 5 foot 1.7, puppy brain, Jack Monroe and her partner Aljaz Skorjanek!!!!"
[please insert your own interpretation of Jack and Aljaz dancing street/commercial to 'Food, Glorious Food here]
Tess: "Wow! The people are on their feet! how does that feel my darling?"
Jack: "well, you know, Tess, it feels almost as good as that time when I launched a hate campaign against David Walliams"
Tess: ".... [Tessbot does not compute] ok. well, get on up to Claud. The scores are in!"
Claudia: "so Jack, have you tried head and shoulders?"
Jack: "I've invented a new one, Claud. out of lard and WD40. it's in the next, next book. whatever happens, I'm sure Nigella is very proud of my journey."
Claudia: "well, the scores are in. good luck Aljaz."
Craig: "bleeping dreadful, darling. ONE!"
Shirley: "It's never too early! For an exit from Shirley! 2!"
Motsi: "I have no idea what that was meant to mean, my sweet. You tried, so I can give you one."
Anton: "Haha! Marvellous! 10!"
Sunday Results Show
Tess: "So we are down to a dance off between Jack and Aljaz doing street/commercial to "Food, Glorious Food" and someone off Love Island and Amy doing a Viennese Waltz to "Industry Baby" will our first couple please take to the floor?"
[dances happen]
Tess: "Our dancers have done all they can. I just need to ask our judges who they want to save tonight"
Craig: "well, I hated one a lot less than the other, darlings. for me, it's the one off Love Island and Amy"
Motsi: "Jack, I loved your high energy, but I have to vote with my heart and save the one off Love Island and Amy
Anton: "Haha Marvellous! It's a 10 from me!"
Tess: "Shirley, you have the deciding vote. whose life will you ruin forever?"
Shirley: "Jack, your feet needed to be entirely more turned in, I don't care how long you can stand on tiptoes and for that reason I'm saving the one off Love Island and Amy."
*Jack howls, collapses to the floor, rips and tears and rents apart cans*
Aljaz breathes a sigh of relief
Why is she so, so gross?