Jack Monroe #201 Queen of Sharts

[BlendedSlop]

Just been reading one of Hack's early interviews and was reminded of her original, unfiltered view of the working classes:

Nowadays, she continues to pound the "I'm working class and always have been, we woz poor and I'm one of you, povs" hammer, but in the early days her attitude was very much "I'm a decent middle class girl who fell on hard times, I'm not like them."

So, Jack, as someone who was brought up on benefits, because my mum had numerous chronic, debilitating illnesses and my dad had to take early retirement to become her carer, I want to say this loud and clear: I'm every bit as much of a "normal person" as you are, not a scumbag.

I didn't go to university because our household needed an actual income and I was the only one of us able to work. I got a job, with no help from daddy, started from the bottom (no degree or the benefit of a grammar school education, had to make do with middling GCSEs from the local comp) and worked my way up. I now work in a professional role, with stress and long hours, and still don't earn what you did in the job you were handed because of your connections. While working full time, I've been working towards further qualifications in my spare time, and while it's been tough at times, when I finally do qualify I'll be able to look back with pride on what I've achieved - unlike you with your honorary degrees, which, without even a shred of humility, you felt entitled you to call yourself "Dr."

You may not have been raised on benefits, because apparently that's something to sneer at, but you're more than willing to accept handouts from strangers to fund your extravagant lifestyle, all while maintaining the deceit that you're a smol underdog urchin one missed payment away from plummeting back into the depths of The Poverty. In my book that makes you a far bigger scumbag than anyone guilty of owning a tracksuit, eating burgers (presumably Five Guys doesn't count) or watching the occasional episode of Jeremy Kyle (also, given your own shambolic foray into daytime TV, maybe it's time to get down off the high horse).

In summary - get fucked x

 

[Sideboard Bob]

yellow sticker swedes

Yellow sticker Swedes.

 

[kachoochoo]

Jack Does Strictly


Week One Training Footage

Jack arrives at dance studio

Jack: "Hey, Aljaz! I'm Jack Monroe, single mother, cook, food writer, author, accidental conqueror of fears, purchaser of luxury goods, Greek, Norn Irish, admirer of Nigella, 5 foot 1.7, puppy brain. I understand I've been put with you cos you're not due a ringer this year and you may have the patience and good humour to cope with me. hahahaha! what am I like? have I mentioned I can stand on my tiptoes for twelve whole minutes? I danced in heels with my bff Marcus, you know? Rashford, that is, Marcus Rashford. I solved the whole free school meals in the holidays with him you know? I don't ever like or retweet his tweets but I taught him everything about child poverty.

now then, what's our dance this week? I'll nail it. once and done, that's me"


Aljaz: (sotto voce)"what the fuck have I been landed with now? Janette, please save me"

Aljaz: (out loud) "Yay! Jack! So great to see you! we're gonna do great! we will be performing (dramatic pause) street/commercial to 'Food, Glorious Food!'"

Week One Live Show

Alan Dedicoat: "Please welcome to the floor,
single mother, cook, food writer, author, accidental conqueror of fears, purchaser of luxury goods, Greek, Norn Irish, admirer of Nigella, 5 foot 1.7, puppy brain, Jack Monroe and her partner Aljaz Skorjanek!!!!"

[please insert your own interpretation of Jack and Aljaz dancing street/commercial to 'Food, Glorious Food here]

Tess: "Wow! The people are on their feet! how does that feel my darling?"

Jack: "well, you know, Tess, it feels almost as good as that time when I launched a hate campaign against David Walliams"

Tess: ".... [Tessbot does not compute] ok. well, get on up to Claud. The scores are in!"

Claudia: "so Jack, have you tried head and shoulders?"

Jack: "I've invented a new one, Claud. out of lard and WD40. it's in the next, next book. whatever happens, I'm sure Nigella is very proud of my journey."

Claudia: "well, the scores are in. good luck Aljaz."

Craig: "Fucking dreadful, darling. ONE!"

Shirley: "It's never too early! For an exit from Shirley! 2!"

Motsi: "I have no idea what that was meant to mean, my sweet. You tried, so I can give you one."

Anton: "Haha! Marvellous! 10!"

Sunday Results Show

Tess: "So we are down to a dance off between Jack and Aljaz doing street/commercial to "Food, Glorious Food" and someone off Love Island and Amy doing a Viennese Waltz to "Industry Baby" will our first couple please take to the floor?"

[dances happen]

Tess: "Our dancers have done all they can. I just need to ask our judges who they want to save tonight"

Craig: "well, I hated one a lot less than the other, darlings. for me, it's the one off Love Island and Amy"

Motsi: "Jack, I loved your high energy, but I have to vote with my heart and save the one off Love Island and Amy

Anton: "Haha Marvellous! It's a 10 from me!"

Tess: "Shirley, you have the deciding vote. whose life will you ruin forever?"

Shirley: "Jack, your feet needed to be entirely more turned in, I don't care how long you can stand on tiptoes and for that reason I'm saving the one off Love Island and Amy."

*Jack howls, collapses to the floor, rips and tears and rents apart cans*

Aljaz breathes a sigh of relief

 

[Falkor]

Trifle Defender kept going.

 

[traumatised sideboard]

I wonder what the conversations between Jack and her handler are like when they're discussing her weekly social media outing.

Handler: what do you want to post about this week?
Jack: I thought I'd post a picture of my new haircut-
Handler: oh, that seems fine
Jack: -in my underwear on a sideboard
Handler: no
Jack: what about the Olympics?
Handler: yes, vaguely topical at least
Jack: I want to mention that folding my underwear led our athletes to get all the gold medals
Handler: no
Jack: can I talk about the unbearably hot weather?
Handler: that was several weeks ago but alright
Jack: I've got a pic of me in my hammock in my underwear
Handler: NO

 

[Deej]

Trifle defender spreading truth!

 

[traumatised sideboard]

It is with a heavy heart I must announce that with the demise of Thread #200 it is time for us to set our kumquats free. We all looked ravishing, rakish and just a little bit ridiculous but they must be released back into the wild to scamper and scurry. Thread title comes courtesy of @SlopAmbsase via @MaineCoonMama please both enjoy your chocolate salame. I'm teetotal so I replaced the amaretto with red lentils, I hope that's alright.

In the last thread:
- we celebrated the two hundred thread milestone. There were kumquats kindly donated by @misshydrangea's salon, cursed GIFs and a dance party that Jack was sadly unable to attend.
- Jack returned to social media to let everyone know that she is an adult and staying away from socials was her own idea and definitely NOT some kind of conditional agreement
- she provided pictures of Mom's chocolate salame made with her son that predictably had very little resemblance to the original recipe both physically and chemically but did you know she didn't use amaretto because she's an alcoholic? Can't believe she's never mentioned that before. This also involved plastering 'the four foot love of [her] life] all over Instagram to rustle up some of that delectable online engagement
- allegedly she made some sort of cheese and tomato filo tart. The cabal are sceptical as it appeared to be largely solid
- Mom remains uninterested in Jack's repeated attempts to get her attention

Poca edit:
Sidey T’s newest sick beat here for those who missed it.

 

[Pocahontas]

I wish I had the skillz to put a Jimmy Nail face on a spoon.

 

[traumatised sideboard]

Jack please repost this portrait I did of you on your Insta. I found it in a lever arch file, I think I should do more of it but only if enough people suck up to me.

 

[BlendedSlop]

The Smeg purchase was nothing to do with freezer space - it was another outlandish purchase that's so generic its fucking boring.

Re: the Smeg, I'm currently reading through earlier threads and got to this part, where her GIFTED Smeg had allegedly given up the ghost. Of course, rather than go in for a cheaper replacement, she was looking to buy another Smeg (or, let's be real here, angling for them to send her one). At the time they were going for £1,700 at her favourite budget supplier, John Lewis. And this was mere weeks after her huge dramatic post on Twitter where she posted her Patreon and begging bowl details because she was losing out on work because of lockdown.

Barely scrapes together a living but doesn't blink at the thought of blowing almost 2 grand on a fridge

 

[blurstoftimes]

I did this. Just stumbled across randomly while on the 11pm train from Victoria - need to do more of this

 

[kachoochoo]

TD has even used the word chaoses! amazing

 

[lilamay]

Noticed something in this article from 2014 showing her resentment towards THAT MAN goes way back.

That last sentence is a definite dig at him - he made lobster mac n cheese on Jamie's Comfort Foods just before this article was published.

Yet in her Headrush Spaghetti recipe she says (though we must take what she says with a pinch of salt and POBP) 'Traditionally, on Valentines Days gone by, I would knock up a pan of tagliatelle with a slow-cooked chilli and tomato sauce, hand torn basil and parsley, a few finely chopped olives and two lobsters from Leigh Fishermans Co-op nestled on top'. Why is that ok but not lobster mac n cheese? Also, Jamie's recipe used 1 lobster to serve 6, while it sounds like she used one lobster per person.

I think she's really very jealous of his success. But it's clear he was a lot more willing than her to work his way up than she was. And guess what Jack - he left school with just TWO GCSEs!

 

[ChickenPorridge]

It's the same old puzzle with Jack Monroe. Simultaneously has an agent, a lawyer, an IT guy, an assistant and an accountant but also seemingly, has none of them.

The lawyer moved to number 1 Israel street, Israel. Matt the IT guy has probably blocked her from all avenues of contact, changed his number and moved. Caroline Whohashands is on eternal furlough. Natalie (?) went to the office to pick up the shopping trolley the same day that several hundred sacks of fan letters were delivered and hasn't been seen or heard from since although residents nearby have reported muffled screams, and the accountant/Sunday school teacher went back to his real job on Only Fans.

 

[kachoochoo]

just seen roadside mum tweeting that she's thinking about writing a book about poverty in modern Britain...

niches and ripped cans are gonna be everywhere in da bungalow

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

Mom?????

for those of you I fooled with this elite Instagram story edit, this is not real but still begs the question why is trifle defender not speaking to her mate about this?!

 

[Pixieboots]

My darlings, I haven't grunked in a few days but I've just had a drunken conversation with a friend on which he admitted to following the Jack threads here! I am delighted.

 

[LennyBriscoe]

Just been reading one of Hack's early interviews and was reminded of her original, unfiltered view of the working classes:

View attachment 703209

Nowadays, she continues to pound the "I'm working class and always have been, we woz poor and I'm one of you, povs" hammer, but in the early days her attitude was very much "I'm a decent middle class girl who fell on hard times, I'm not like them."

So, Jack, as someone who was brought up on benefits, because my mum had numerous chronic, debilitating illnesses and my dad had to take early retirement to become her carer, I want to say this loud and clear: I'm every bit as much of a "normal person" as you are, not a scumbag.

I didn't go to university because our household needed an actual income and I was the only one of us able to work. I got a job, with no help from daddy, started from the bottom (no degree or the benefit of a grammar school education, had to make do with middling GCSEs from the local comp) and worked my way up. I now work in a professional role, with stress and long hours, and still don't earn what you did in the job you were handed because of your connections. While working full time, I've been working towards further qualifications in my spare time, and while it's been tough at times, when I finally do qualify I'll be able to look back with pride on what I've achieved - unlike you with your honorary degrees, which, without even a shred of humility, you felt entitled you to call yourself "Dr."

You may not have been raised on benefits, because apparently that's something to sneer at, but you're more than willing to accept handouts from strangers to fund your extravagant lifestyle, all while maintaining the deceit that you're a smol underdog urchin one missed payment away from plummeting back into the depths of The Poverty. In my book that makes you a far bigger scumbag than anyone guilty of owning a tracksuit, eating burgers (presumably Five Guys doesn't count) or watching the occasional episode of Jeremy Kyle (also, given your own shambolic foray into daytime TV, maybe it's time to get down off the high horse).

In summary - get fucked x

I wish I could love this more than once! She is such an uneducated, nasty, self-centred madam, she thinks she knows everything and she actually knows nothing.

My circumstances are the same as yours @BlendedSlop, my dad fell ill when I was 5 with a brain tumour and developed epilepsy so he had to leave his job as a bus driver. He also couldn’t be alone for a long time whilst they figured out his medication. I know my mum and dad felt bad about our situation even though it was just one of those things.

I think there are more people with some degree of empathy than none at all but that’s not an attribute Jack has. She’s throwing about comments about JK but did she not have a pop about people believing those on benefits didn’t deserve big tellies…either way, it’s criminal that she’s had this career and as BSlop rightly said, taking money from people worse off than her for doing absolutely nothing. She reminds me of my brother - he’s got a chip on his shoulder about money and also thinks he should be paid solely for existing.

I am beyond gleeful that her star seems to be waning. Couldn’t happen to a nicer person.

 

[Orphan_Black]

 

[Orphan_Black]

I was having a Monroe google and landed on their Metro articles, they are so badly written, and full of lies. The swede one is my favourite, it's all other people's recipes and this gem of a quote;

I checked the time; the store closed in twenty minutes. There were easily a dozen swedes mournfully bearing their beseeching yellow stickers. I picked up four, paid, and stuffed them in my backpack. I had to stop twice on the walk home to regret my profligacy and roll out my shoulders, but by now, I was committed.

This is the person claiming to be strong enough to move a bloody sideboard, but four manky swedes caused severe back pain, lugging them home in a backpack. Oh my LJC lord!