Jack Monroe #181 Time flies when you’re judging slop

[Eurgh]

Oh God I can’t face Morrissey and his nonsense.

 

[FrumpyCat]

Anybody else had a moment of 'Oh, for God's Sake' over Morrissey's latest whinings, by the way?

What's he been saying now?

 

[Blurp]

Does Jack have a sister hidden away somewhere....

She does have a younger, adopted, sister who according to Jack wants to follow their mother into nursing, so a professional, well-respected if underpaid job unlike whatever Jack does. Also the older RAF birth brother who she says she punched, and the younger adopted brother whose hair she was going to cut to get BAME points.

 

[Eurgh]

I looked. He’s complaining they’ve taken the piss out of him on The Simpsons. One of his fake songs was called ‘Everybody is horrid except me (and possibly you)’ which is so so so perfect.

 

[HotesTilaire]

I know my height and weight in old and new money, just not down to the point 7! I don’t say I’m 151.5cm.
I know inches but not how many bits they have, same with stones and pounds, unless I’m looking at a ruler or scale I don’t know how many are in them because they’re all different. You can do BMI in decimals!!!

 

[Knit one Pearl one]

Too short. Apologies, Admin.

DAY ONE IN THE SLOPHOUSE Mk II.

'Just put this tile on your phone, L, and they'll never get lost again!'

The only time I can't find my phone is when something else is put on top of it.

'Go on, give it a go, I bought extra ones for you!'

[sigh] Okay. It'll just show me it's in this room underneath something though, won't it? Like Find My Phone does?

'Umm, yes - but it'll mean I can we can make it bleep so we can tell if it's under the sofa or behind some books.'



TWO DAYS LATER:

'WHERE WERE YOU? I had a chaos AND YOU WEREN'T HERE'

Got stuck at work for ages. Couldn't call, sorry.

'THAT'S STRANGE. Are you sure you weren't in x 's beer garden for at least 2 hours after leaving work?

What?' Well, yes, we had the meeting there.



THE FOLLOWING MORNING. LJC IS ON THE C2C SERVICE, STILL FEELING SLIGHTLY DISCOMBOBULATED FROM THE PREVIOUS DAY'S QUESTIONING.

[thinking] How did she know where I was?

Is she psychic?

Did one of my friends put anything up on Insta?

[Train continues rattling along]

...

...

...

duck'S SAKE. The Tile. tit. Bollocks. I've gotta get rid of this thing. [twists it off easily and sticks it under the seat] That should sort it.



THAT EVENING AT THE LOVE NEST:

'Go anywhere nice today?'

No, been in the office all day.

'Nowhere else?'

No.

'You sure?'

I'm sure.



LATER ON. THE ATMOSPHERE IS A LITTLE STRAINED. LJC IS IS CAREFULLY WATCHING TV WHILST POTS ARE BEING POINTEDLY SLAMMED ABOUT IN THE BLUE KITCHEN. THE PITTER PATTER OF ICKLE BALLET TOESES APPROACHES.

'Your Tile isn't on the back of your phone'

Really? [think fast, woman, you're in the tit slop if you can't get out of this one]

Oh, crap, I dropped my phone on the train. It must have come off at the same time. [duck, duck, bollocks duck]

'Hmmph. They were REALLY EXPENSIVE, YOU KNOW.'

I'll give you the money for it, sorry, I guess they just aren't as useful when you travel lots?

'Well, OK. You are so silly, always losing things, aren't you? Like YOUR SCARF.'

Yes, I promise I'll try to be more careful.



JUST UNDER THREE WEEKS LATER. LJC GLANCES AT TWITTER TO MAKE SURE JM HASN'T OFFERED PENELOPE KEITH OUTSIDE, CHALLENGED ANGELA RIPON TO A DUEL OR THREATENED TO KICK SIR DAVID ATTENBOROUGH IN THE SHINS (OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT).


Oh. SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT.

 

[ReginaPhalangee]

Am I Tile?

This made me laugh so much,

#thread title nomination!

 

[Mitzymooface]

Nope. We can put as many black and pink sacks out as we like every week here. It’s good when you have lots of stuff to get rid of but some people take this piss and paths are unusable on bin day!

I’m shook

 

[SweetTransvestite]

Fear not kindly ninnies (especially @Carmina-Piranha and @HotesTilaire for the mentions) as yes, it is his birthday today so I'll be raising a glass of something bubbly in his honour. I'm just just exhausted with the whole 'human centipide' vibe from that awful Twitter hellshite. The fawning bullshit and faux concern over absolute nonsense is quite nauseating.

Back on topic though.... Jack smells like Gillian McKeith's Tupperware cupboard, pass it on.

ETA. Bonus Fraü points if you read that in 'my' voice.

 

[FrumpyCat]

I’m shook

I'm shook also. Wheely bin and recycling every two weeks and a snarky note if your bin is too full.

 

[Eurgh]

Ours just gets left on the path. No note just rats...

 

[kachoochoo]

never thought I'd get involved with waste management discourse here, but we've just watched the man over the road bring his blue bin down his very steep flight of stone steps before having to drag it back up after realising it's a brown bin day tomorrow!

we have communal bins. not communal skips tho. I'd like that

eta just realised I sort of started the waste management discourse with my screenshot of the decluttering book earlier! apologies, I must be in a fugue state!

 

[SweetTransvestite]

I'm shook also. Wheely bin and recycling every two weeks and a snarky note if your bin is too full.

We get sarcastic stickers with the bin left randomly placed, like a passive aggressive game of hide & seek.

 

[Toffee finger]

I’m a right bin saddo. It fascinates me how different bin collections are over the UK. I won’t talk anymore about it though as it’s even more boring than reading Jack’s tile tweets!

 

[Eurgh]

Imagine Bin Jack!

 

[MarzBarzie]

Evening Cabal,
I’ve not been around much but grunking at night is my new hobby. I just spotted this whilst scrolling - our wee smol pixie’s name appears to be missing...

 

[kachoochoo]

Imagine Bin Jack!

well, there was that pic of all the recycling boxes in the kitchen with notes on to say what goes in which

 

[Veronicaaa]

 

[colouredlines]

Spoiler: waste management talk

We have a set of big containers on almost every street with different coloured lids for general waste and various recyclables. They get emptied every day, which is great, but on my street it happens at 1am, which is...not so great. Other than that, it's a wonderful system. I never have to think twice about rubbish, and it also gives us something convenient to burn during protests.

My mum lives in London and I am always shocked by the waste collection there - particularly because in normal years I tend to visit around Xmas, when there are bags of rubbish piled up in front gardens!

On-topic: I hope Jack cleaned her hands thoroughly after yesterday's #ThatHappened. And yes, Jack, your fingernails are part of your hands.

 

[Aquamarina]

I use feet and inches for my height and stones and pounds for my weight. Maybe it’s because I’m an older frau (that I love Landahn Taaawn!) Bit niche soz.