Oh God I can’t face Morrissey and his nonsense.
What's he been saying now?Anybody else had a moment of 'Oh, for God's Sake' over Morrissey's latest whinings, by the way?
She does have a younger, adopted, sister who according to Jack wants to follow their mother into nursing, so a professional, well-respected if underpaid job unlike whatever Jack does. Also the older RAF birth brother who she says she punched, and the younger adopted brother whose hair she was going to cut to get BAME points.Does Jack have a sister hidden away somewhere....
DAY ONE IN THE SLOPHOUSE Mk II.
'Just put this tile on your phone, L, and they'll never get lost again!'
The only time I can't find my phone is when something else is put on top of it.
'Go on, give it a go, I bought extra ones for you!'
[sigh] Okay. It'll just show me it's in this roomunderneath somethingthough, won't it? Like Find My Phone does?
'Umm, yes - but it'll meanI canwe can make it bleep so we can tell if it's under the sofa or behind some books.'
TWO DAYS LATER:
'WHERE WERE YOU? I had a chaos AND YOU WEREN'T HERE'
Got stuck at work for ages. Couldn't call, sorry.
'THAT'S STRANGE. Are you sure you weren't in x 's beer garden for at least 2 hours after leaving work?
What?' Well, yes, we had the meeting there.
THE FOLLOWING MORNING. LJC IS ON THE C2C SERVICE, STILL FEELING SLIGHTLY DISCOMBOBULATED FROM THE PREVIOUS DAY'S QUESTIONING.
[thinking] How did she know where I was?
Is she psychic?
Did one of my friends put anything up on Insta?
[Train continues rattling along]
...
...
...
duck'S SAKE. The Tile. tit. Bollocks. I've gotta get rid of this thing. [twists it off easily and sticks it under the seat] That should sort it.
THAT EVENING AT THE LOVE NEST:
'Go anywhere nice today?'
No, been in the office all day.
'Nowhere else?'
No.
'You sure?'
I'm sure.
LATER ON. THE ATMOSPHERE IS A LITTLE STRAINED. LJC IS IS CAREFULLY WATCHING TV WHILST POTS ARE BEING POINTEDLY SLAMMED ABOUT IN THE BLUE KITCHEN. THE PITTER PATTER OF ICKLE BALLET TOESES APPROACHES.
'Your Tile isn't on the back of your phone'
Really? [think fast, woman, you're in thetitslop if you can't get out of this one]
Oh, crap, I dropped my phone on the train. It must have come off at the same time. [duck, duck, bollocks duck]
'Hmmph. They were REALLY EXPENSIVE, YOU KNOW.'
I'll give you the money for it, sorry, I guess they just aren't as useful when you travel lots?
'Well, OK. You are so silly, always losing things, aren't you? Like YOUR SCARF.'
Yes, I promise I'll try to be more careful.
JUST UNDER THREE WEEKS LATER. LJC GLANCES AT TWITTER TO MAKE SURE JM HASN'T OFFERED PENELOPE KEITH OUTSIDE, CHALLENGED ANGELA RIPON TO A DUEL OR THREATENED TO KICK SIR DAVID ATTENBOROUGH IN THE SHINS (OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT).
Oh. SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT.
I’m shookNope. We can put as many black and pink sacks out as we like every week here. It’s good when you have lots of stuff to get rid of but some people take this piss and paths are unusable on bin day!
I'm shook also. Wheely bin and recycling every two weeks and a snarky note if your bin is too full.I’m shook
We get sarcastic stickers with the bin left randomly placed, like a passive aggressive game of hide & seek.I'm shook also. Wheely bin and recycling every two weeks and a snarky note if your bin is too full.
well, there was that pic of all the recycling boxes in the kitchen with notes on to say what goes in whichImagine Bin Jack!